When my Stake President met with me years ago he told me some interesting things. After he clarified the process of how divorce affects me as a member of the LDS Church, he reassured me that I would not be penalized for the agency of others. Then he said, “You don’t have to remarry if you don’t want to, but you’ll probably want to”. My father asked me last Sunday if I really do desire to marry, and I have to confess I’m not really sure that’s what I desire.
I make the case to people I meet that people make time for the things that matter to them. If I really desired to marry, I would make an effort to be in places where meeting women with strong potential to be my wife and mate are likely. Yet, rather than socialize with prospects, I take on extra classes and spend my weekends hiking with a few male friends. My behavior on how I spend my time indicates that I do not actually value it as much as I claim that I do. That being said, I followed the advice in a book my sister gave me years ago entitled, “Alone but Not Lonely” in which the author advocates that you spend your life doing what you like and allow God to bring into your life the people who belong. This is how I justified these choices, but they have not led to many long term prospects and to even fewer prospects for matrimony.
Many people use the cliché that behind every successful man there is a woman. What they don’t say is whether the woman mentioned was directly involved in the man’s success; that is inferred when sometimes it's not true. Despite what women may claim to the contrary, I have achieved what I achieved in life in spite of women rather than because of them (my mother excluded). My ex wife in part criticized me because she never thought I’d amount to anything, but now I have achieved a decent standard of living and a life with which I am comfortable. I can afford to do what I like and live how I like and eat what I like and still save for retirement, in part because I don’t have her or any hemi-clones eating away at my earnings. In short, I got where I got without the help of these women, and so I don’t see why I should trade my security for their companionship. Everything I control is under control, and I like those things the way they are.
Routine is the order of the day in my household. You may say that I have deep ruts, habits and preferences I am unwilling to bend for most people. I told someone recently that I know if I really care about someone because I’m willing to accommodate and compromise. I’m not willing to change most of my life for just anyone or for most of the people I know. When it’s the right person, I’ll be excited to change to make it right for them and change myself to really be the Doug they think I am all the time rather than just when I’m on my best behavior. I know that, because I did it once.
In short, I have always been looking for what the women I meet bring to the table. I know a lot of nice women. I know very few who would elevate my life in a visible way by joining me. So basically, when I look at one, I decide whether I’m willing to change my life to bring her into it, and quite frankly most of them do not make that cut. I’ve only actually known one woman with whom I actually discovered I wanted to have children, and unfortunately she rebuffed my affections. If I don’t want to have children with you, why would I marry you? If I don't want to marry you, what's the point in dating you?
My routine is ultimately one of logic and reason. It revolves around only the things that ultimately I do control. Sure, I could date on the internet, accept blind dates, join meetup groups, and the like, but ultimately those are fishing expeditions. When I choose instead to work extra hours or visit the gym or nurture friendships I already have, I essentially show that I'm putting my time into things that already are and things that I can control rather than speculating in things that may never be. I have learned that it is otherwise to throw good money away after bad money. Perhaps this is why I'm upset about the women I have dated, because I feel like I unwisely invested myself in things I ultimately don't control and from which I ultimately derived no lasting benefit. I don’t always like going home alone, but I don’t have to answer to anyone and I enjoy my independence. At this point, I know that if I don’t want to have children with you, then I don’t really desire to be with you.
By virtue of my choices, I have taught myself that I mean what I say. Sometimes I will eat donuts, but it’s because I know the cost and because nobody must pay it besides me. When I do things I know I shouldn’t or for reasons that are incorrect, I own it, and I have to fix it, and nobody else is hurt. When I make a promise, I follow through on it. I have yet to love a woman romantically on whose representations I could ultimately rely, and so I stick with what I know. That may sound strange for a man who lives in a gambling town, but that’s how I feel about it. It’s a gamble enough for me to put money into a vending machine.
I know what I desire out of life for the most part. I’m no longer interested in getting to know people for the sake of experiences. If I decide to date a woman, it’s because I’ve already spent time with her on a platonic basis and decided she is someone I could marry. I don’t date or “meet up” or “hang out” to see what’s out there. I go do what I like because then I always enjoy what I do, and if someone special comes along with whom to share it, that’s just an added bonus and a welcome one.
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