Recently, I observed the passing of what I refer to as Emancipation Day. It was the day on which the court granted me a divorce from my ex wife. Before I moved into this house, I would go out to eat with my sister to celebrate because it felt very much like I imagine it does for any indentured servant to finally be free of an oppressive situation. When she left, the day slipped into ignominious emptiness mostly, and for a time, I thought I had found someone to erase that part of my life entirely.
As I considered it this week, I realized that my true Emancipation Day wasn't the day on which the judge granted the legal separation. It wasn't when I received the order. It was when I prayed for her for the first time and really meant it when I asked God to bless her, help her find happiness and peace, and lead her to Him.
Until you forgive someone, you remain under their control. Yes, it is true that you cannot be free as long as you are subject to someone else. Even if they don't tell you what to do, when to eat, and who will be your wife, as long as they control your emotions, they command in some way your life. If someone has hurt you so much that your feelings seem to choke you, forgiveness frees you. You know that you have really forgiven them when you can honestly pray for their happiness, safety, and success.
Lest you think me to be better than I am, I have no desire to see her again or be with her. She chose her path, which does not include me in any positive way, and I will leave her to it. However, I truly do hope that wherever she is that her life is beautiful and that her path leads her to peace in this life and eternal life in the world to come.
In short, I don't really know when Emancipation Day really was. What I do know is that I've been doing it long enough that I include every woman I have ever dated in those prayers. I hope things are amazing for them. For the most part, I also hope they leave me be. It was never really about them letting me go; it was about me letting them go.
Since that day, I have encountered and counseled with many people who have unfortunately experienced the pain of being divorced. Remember that you are not defined by what happens to you. You can define yourself by being the first to forgive and, not to forget, but to truly wish them happiness. It has been said that you should do good to your enemies because nothing will irritate them more. More to the point, we should do good to those who persecute us and spitefully use us, because it pleases our Father God.
I wish I had good advice about how to reach Emancipation Day. The only thing I know that did help is to start behaving like I wanted to be. I know that CS Lewis advised that we not worry about whether or not we loved our neighbor but act as if we did, because humans tend to become what they pretend to be. Even if you don't know how to do this, maybe you can pray and ask for help. I think that's what mostly happened, because one day I just really meant it, and so I think that charitable feelings toward me are as much a gift of God as the freedom from my ex wife. I do celebrate it, and I can celebrate because God freed my heart from guilt and anger and revenge to make way for real love. Love, real love, really does make you free.
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