The above image shows the average marrying age over time since the census was being taken according to the USA Today article. Interestingly enough, the average age for men varies very little compared to that a century ago, with parallel trends along the course of history. I wonder what happened in the 60s that made people want to marry young…threat of nuclear war perhaps? What the graph does not tell you is that if you omit Mormons from the data, the ages would trend even higher, since many Mormons marry in their very early twenties and such a one as myself single at the age of 29 does not endear himself well to women, regardless of their age. Also, another salient fact it omits is that prior to this date in time, men typically married older. John Adams (29) and his wife Abigail (20) represented a typical family- let the man become established in his career so as to better support the family. The difference today is that women too are preparing for the eventuality that they will bear their own support, hence a rise in the female age.
No objective analysis may omit the impact of careers on the change in marrying age. With more and more college required just to begin practice, men are often less able to provide a certain standard of living at 23 compared to yesteryear. Also, many families work on a dual income system, where their standard of living necessitates multiple incomes in order to buy a decent home in a decent zip code free of crime and with access to educational and vocational opportunities. Multiple cars necessitated by distal location of the home relative to work or school further exacerbate the need for earning power, further postponing marriage and children.
Some couples skew the data due to other trends. Long dating and cohabitation of partners who eventually marry but marry later further skew the data. This kind of “living in sin”, once socially taboo, now resounds as tinkling brass in the status quo as trendy and in. Marriage and family are in part obfuscated by what Elizabeth Warren and Amelia Tyagi refer to as a problem with cohabitation (see previous link). People try each other on as if they’re buying shoes, having apparently forgotten the reason why humans forge families in the first place. Perhaps that’s not surprising when you consider that California had to pass Proposition 8 this election just to remind its citizens thereof.
Once people eventually try to marry, they may find their options limited. How many fish remain in the sea? A dear aunt of mine, dedicated and driven but no less attentive to a desire to marry and rear children, waited until she was 33 to marry. Her multiple degrees and home intimidated the guys brave enough to attempt a relationship, and the lack thereof on the part of potential suitors tipped her off to problems with goals and dedications in the character of others who quite frankly needed to grow up. By waiting too long, some people find the supply of potential mates with whom happy and lasting relationships can be forged decreased so much that they opt never to marry or settle, leading to unhappiness and ultimately divorce. I find that as you get older, you also find less variety in which to find potential mates. Once you finish school and hobnobbing with people in your age, socio-economic and philosophical bracket, going after people becomes much more difficult
Consider also the problem of divorcees and one parent families. As the children advance in age, it becomes more difficult for them to accept a new parent figure, undermining the new parent’s authority and standing in the family. Also, for my own part I have witnessed people balk at dating the previously married, as if they were lepers, assuming that they are incapable of forging a happy and healthy relationship because a previous one failed. Ironically, I don’t know many people who married their first love, let alone those who are in a perfect relationship with their first crush.
Many of the young unmarrieds to whom I speak cite another problem, one of personality. They speak of Readiness and Self-identity as barriers to forging of families. Many young people define themselves as unready, more often than not out of fear or selfishness. Others have yet to find themselves, having identified themselves previously by their parents, peerage, or projection of the same, meaning that they aren’t currently a person in their own right. I empathize with folks who run up against this type of immaturity and self-centeredness. You don’t really want someone who isn’t their own person, who identifies themselves as “Mrs. John Smith”. If their character, identity, personae, and personality depend on their spouse, then they aren’t really a fleshed-out person yet, and therefore the person you marry may not be the person they ultimately end up becoming. Further still, these “plastic personalities” are often the people pursued by popular punditry, but they are not really persons with whom you can forge a relationship. Mercutio was an ever-changing personae, and not one with whom it was easy to get along.
Beware a trend revealed in the article to “postpone marriage until everything in your life is in working order”. If you wait until then, you will never be ready. There is always a complication, an unexpected event, or a change of plan. You might get laid off, find out you carry triplets instead of just one child, or catch a rare disease. Those are wild examples, but small things can change your course by a matter of degrees that puts you so off your endgame that you eventually find it impossible to arrive at your destination.
Like they say in the article however, it is very tough to see everyone you know around you settling into a family life and ask why you are not. For my own part, I believe that the fullness of satisfaction and happiness in life is not possible without a family. With great potential for sadness and disappointment come the greatest chances for happiness. Risk follows reward, and if you wait too long, you risk losing all. Am I brazen enough to pronounce a perfect age? No way. I know some people wait too long and some people don’t wait long enough. Thank God for prayer.
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