(Still) Finding Purpose

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I grew up religious. I was taught by good parents to be the best man I could be. The church infused us with a sense of purpose. It was clear that God gave us families and that God, as our Father, expected us to participate in that, to marry, multiply and replenish the earth. Unfortunately, things didn't turn out so well. It was not however because I drank lots of booze and drove wild. It was not because I was a philanderer or addict. It was not because I was lazy or did some terrible dark thing. It did however lead people to think that either I was doing things wrong or that I was lying about my intentions. Not succeeding and not attempting may look the same in the end, but they take very different paths. All I ever wanted to be when I grew up was a dad, but that requires you to decide how you're ok with having kids and then, if you want to do it God's way, finding someone interested in having children with you. That's a more difficult proposition than anyone ever taught me. Here are some obstacles of which the prognosticators of posterity conveniently seem ignorant.

Dashed by divorce

I followed the plan. I married at 23 in the faith, in the temple to a woman I met a religious classes (Institute). We went on dates to church things. I'm convinced now that she's the most consummate actress I ever met, engaged in the most elaborate charade ever conceived against me. After only a few months, it was clear that her interest in me was near zero, and she opined ad nauseum that I was not what she built me up in her mind to be. Rather than build me up, she tore me down, because being a wrecker is so much easier than building. Eventually the church leaders aceded to permit me to get divorced and a court took 90% of my assets and gave them to her because she was an "oppressed minority" essentially (my words, not theirs). So, everything I built, including every shred of confidence that survived the hellscape of high school, was dashed to pieces and I moved away to start over from scratch. The church provided no safety net for me, but when she fell on hard times and accused me of not keeping my end of the bargain, they investigated me. I satisfied their concerns, so she turned to the court again, which ordered me to pay half of her graduate school debt, all of which she incurred after divorce.

Dashed by defeat

I moved forward. I found a job in my career field. Soon afterwards, I found that, whereas I had started at the bottom, others were hired at the top of the payscale. Since then I have clawed and scratched my way upwards while others had the skids of their careers greased in grift. Despite their best efforts, my wages rise because the legislature controls my base pay, and because legislators, who automatically assume that the professoriate is left leaning, keeps giving me the same raise as everyone else. Meanwhile, I tried to date, first at church, then through acquaintances, and finally via the internet. Obviously none of that worked out or you would have heard about it. In fact, ever since my divorce, I have watched in dismay as nothing I did bore any fruit I wanted.

Distracted by other endeavors

Along the way, other challenges arose, distracting my gaze and sapping my strength. I went through financial crises at work, false allegations, a pandemic, an oppressive HOA as well as a series of grifters who mostly unsuccessfully came at me. Eventually I lost taste in doing anything because no sooner did I start something I wanted to do than some complication arose and took me off course. I used to have a neighbor who chided me on a father's day for not having any children, as if he was superior to me because he managed to impregnate women for whom he did not care or provide, and I learned to go far out of my way to avoid certain encounters and conversations that painted me as antagonist and the sole arbiter of my fate. An enemy hath done this.

Knocked down but still standing

Fortunatley for me, the Lord has actually had my back. If I look back to where I was 20 years ago when I was married still, I'm happier, healthier, and wealthier, not to mention wiser. Without a mentor or any coaching, I successfully naviated the siren song of many pitfalls, refused to acquiesce to the grift of corporations or romantic incorporation, and gained some sense of self respect. I spent some time in Alaska alone reflecting and found that, although I don't like the way I look per se, I like the person that I am. I speak my mind and don't worry about if it helps or upsets others, and I'm blessed with parents who support me even when they think I took a bridge too far. They are pleased with their articulate son and the way that he is self reliant and stable, despite the best efforts of the world to crush me underfoot.

While it bothers me to read stories and see videos of people who are less worthy proudly proclaiming their parental privileges and ascribing that accuractely to the assistance of the Almighty, I know that's not necessarily the end of my roles and responsibilities. I learned since getting divorced that the real purpose of the Gospel of Jesus Christ is in lifting up our fellow men. For most of us, this applies in our families, where we have specific people for whom responsibility and affection are expected and obvious. If we don't love them, then our love for others is largely imaginary. However, for those who cannot have a family, either because of things that happen to them or because of things that don't happen for them, the real purpose is to love our neighbors. Jesus made that very clear when he explained which commandment is the second greatest. So, if you dont have a family, you can still succeed. I won't pretend that it's as rewarding to teach and train other men's kids. It's not. However, each and every one of them is one of God's children, and He has promised that whatsoever we shall do to the least of these our brethren we have done to Him. Consequently, even if I never see any fruits or know if I made any headway into their outcomes or even their thoughts, every worthy thing I do counts, if not for them then for the God I love to serve and to whom I am eternally grateful for all that I have and am. He feeds me by the Brook of Cherith and validates my words, and one day He may save my life again. I hope.