Last Sunday after worship service ended, I went around, as it was my month to conduct, and I thanked those who helped make our meeting possible and successful. The chorister, a kindly older woman of 82 years, praised my work and said, "Now we just need to find you a wife so you can be our next bishop". I know she means well, but people have been threatening me essentially with the prospect of making me the next bishop when our current one's term of office concludes, and the only thing keeping me from that threat coming true is that I remain single. I have noticed since quarantine that all of the people who seem to think I need a wife all seem to imply that I need one, not to be of benefit to me, but so that I can be of benefit to them. They don't see it as a way to enhance my life but as a way to rectify some flaw that keeps me from enhancing the lives of other people. I can enhance your life without a wife, thank you very much, despite what the cliches claim. Yes, there is a woman behind this successful man. She is my mother.
It's a threat because it places a burden on me. Becoming a bishop is a grotesque amount of work and responsibility. Sometimes I complain about the workload I have, but I know there are things that the bishop has to do that I can pass off on him because the handbook requires it. I have to burn two days of personal time off to attend boys camp this summer, but the bishop had to go along to girls' camp and spend personal vacation for that too. He has to meet with people and handle issues and keep them secret. Ultimately, he is responsible for everything that happens in the congregation. Sure, he can delegate, but if it doesn't happen, ultimately he's responsible. And he must do all this, keep working at his job, raise his kids, keep his household and tend his wife. There is a very good reason that Timothy explains the following requirements for being a bishop:
A bishop then must be blameless, the husband of one wife, vigilant, sober, of good behaviour, given to hospitality, apt to teach; Not given to wine, no striker, not greedy of filthy lucre; but patient, not a brawler, not covetous; One that ruleth well his own house, having his children in subjection with all gravity; (For if a man know not how to rule his own house, how shall he take care of the church of God?)
You need to be faithful, loyal, tending, hospitable, intelligent, restrained, temperate, and successful so that you are not tempted to abuse the church or its members and so that you can act in Christ's place with the best approximation of what He would do that you are capable. It might be a good work as Timothy suggests, but to do it with honor is hard work.
It's a threat because it places a surprise burden on my new wife. Assuming I met someone today, I could theoretically be married next summer. The current bishop's term comes up in 2026. This means that my new wife could end up being the bishop's wife after having been married to me for only two years. What if we have children? She could have a toddler. Not to mention, there are myriad new stresses that arise in the beginning of a marriage that could create strife and discord, and how many wives are honestly ok if their husband is required to keep secrets and spend long hours in a locked office that is not his paid job? This is what a bishop has to do. He must meet with people and keep confidences. He must do extra work after hours without additional pay, meaning he's not around to help out with the kids or the house or the chores. What are the odds that a brand new wife will deal with this additional burden of responsibility with patience, grace and trust? How is that fair to her?
It's a threat because it's not about me. It's about what I can do for other people, many of whom don't like or respect me. People don't want me to become a bishop because they love me. They love what I might do as bishop for them. I don't aspire to rank or status or title. I have turned down highly compensated jobs and titular heads. I am quite happy being a teacher. In "A Man For All Seasons" Thomas More tells Richard Rich to aspire to teach, and I took it to heart. I don't want the extra meetings, and I don't like the things I have learned about church leadership and church members. I like being able to focus on talking about Christ rather than talking about problems. I like being able to read scriptures for a lesson rather than reading the handbook to attend a meeting. None of these people want me to get a wife so that I will be better or so that my life will be better. They want me to get married so that I can become a bishop. In fact, there is no better leverage to dissuade me from marriage than the continued barrage of insistence that I marry so that I can become a bishop, because as long as I remain single, I remain ineligible, which is how I like it. In fact, I'm disinclined to even date, because I might like someone enough to put me into that position, and I don't want it.
I know people may mean well. I think they mean it as praise. However, I don't see it as praise for me or of benefit to me personally. I'm not really all that patient, and I don't like to entertain. Without a wife, I think I'd make a horrible bishop, and I might not make even an average one unless I married someone spectacular, but I don't want to burden some woman with that outcome because she happens to marry the wrong man and ends up the bishop's wife. In the end backhanded compliments or threats of any sort undermine an organization. Thomas More took the Chancellor's spot in England because Henry VIII threatened his life. Ultimatums are rarely, if ever, given out of love. In this case, especially since all my well-wishers don't wish a wife for me so that I will benefit somehow but so that I can "become the next bishop" I don't think their hopes are out of love either, at least not for me. To the great credit of my parents, they do not push, and I think they are put off by the protracted campaign to find me a wife, not to be of benefit to ME, but so that I can be of benefit to the church by being the next bishop. This treatise alone should serve to show that I am anything but qualified for that position. I'm not humble or patient enough, and I feel a little rebellious. All I have to do to stay away from the bishopric is to remain single. Easy. Beware those who try to threaten me. You cannot tempt to virtue like Satan does to vice. There is no virtue in using the Adversary's methods to achieve the Father's Plan.
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