Thursday morning on the radio, the DJs were talking about the three people you will love in your life, about heartbreak, and about learning from loss. Before they finished, I turned off the radio, because all I could think about was the woman who broke my heart in 2013 and how much I miss us. It's funny because my friend had to persuade me to even date her, and if he had not, I wonder what I would feel, what I would write, and what I would do in the evenings. Wherever you are, whatever you're doing, and wherever you go, I hope you're happy. Of course, I hoped that we'd be happy together, but interestingly enough I discovered with this one that I really did love her. I mean, I could have burned her, burned us, given her the ultimatum I gave another woman when I first moved to Vegas, and as much as i don't think she'll do better, I didn't want to do that. I hope that her life is amazing, even if she's not mine anymore. Imagine my surprise then to arrive at work and find that youtube suggested based on my history that I watch the following:
I think it's funny that I even watched this video. I only did because my late friend Tracie loved Blue October. Now, Tracie and I were never going to be together. She was married when we met, and she walked a path that didn't even approximate where I wanted to go. Maybe she wanted to go where I wanted to go, but she didn't want it enough to make the major and essential changes for that. Nevertheless, I wanted her to be happy. In May of 2011, when I went to South Park CO to visit her, she was very surprised by my reactions. First off, I didn't approve of her gentleman friend even though she thought he was dreamy, but she eventually came to understand and even agree that her cowboy boyfriend cared more about his cattle and was only interested in riding her. Secondly, at the bar which was the only place to eat in town after 7PM, some rich yokel made a disparaging comment about her, and my friend Jay had to physically restrain me from beating the crap out of him. See, he owned like almost everything you could see, and if I'd taken him behind the Louvre, it would have made her life difficult there. I wasn't going to date or marry Tracie. I found her physically attractive, because she wasn't a good potential partner, but I did care about her and want her to be happy. Not necessarily at my expense, but none of these things cost me overmuch, and I was willing to take those steps if possible if it made her life better or gave her better opportunities even though my "love" for her wasn't romantic.
I wrote about this before in March of 2017 in "The Pain of Love". You hope they're happy. I mean, I even pray sometimes that, if the woman for whom I ache isn't coming back, she will forget about me completely because that will make it easier for her to be happy and be happier in the life she's chosen. Unlike some other writers and singers and poets, I don't want her to think back and wish she'd stayed; I hope she's happy, and that if she truly desires what she's pursuing that it will bring her the happiness she hopes it will bring her. For that to blossom as it ought, it's better if she does forget about me, completely, and dedicate herself to the life and people that she chose to love instead, not because she hates me or because I want her to but because she can give them all of the love that she possesses. I know this isn't the conventional thing, but it is the quixotic thing- to love pure and chaste from afar. You see, Don Quixote wasn't doing what he did for the servant girl because he wanted her to fall in love with him. He did it because that's what he believed chivalry demanded of a man- to do what is right especially for women.
Love is a misunderstood and misdirected phenomenon with most people, but true love always looks the same. IN a letter John Steinbeck wrote to his son John wrote about two kinds of romantic love. The first is a selfish one that serves the ego of the person who professes love, one that reaches out and says that no matter what you'll be together. It does not usually lead to respect, honour, or happiness. The second is what everyone thinks people mean when they talk about love. It calls upon us to be the very best versions of ourselves that we can manage. It looks toward the other person, often bringing forth goodness and wisdom that the giver did not know they possessed. That kind of love sees the other person with an eye single to the glory of God and desires the best for that person whatever that means. It's the kind of love that God has for us- that He is willing to let us wander and make mistakes and deny and reject Him and then still offers to rescue and redeem us. Now I don't think God expects us to act as Savior to those who hurt us; that's Christ's purpose. However, He does expect us to love our enemies and do good to those who despitefully use us and persecute us, to welcome back the prodigal even if we choose to give what we have to those we love who remain faithful. Real love, charitable love, the kind of eros that elevates men and really cements people together into families and an entity of eternity in His eyes loves the person even if they hurt us and hopes that wherever they wander their route leads them to happiness and peace. I know from reading CS Lewis that there are four loves, and eros is the lowest, but if it really is love, then it uplifts and lifts up those we claim to love to a better place.
Most people don't really love other people as much as they claim, and most people desperately hope to discover that they're the exception to the rule and that people who claim to love them really mean it. Even then, they don't know what it means to love those who hurt us, but it's what this song by Blue October named "I Hope You're Happy" and Journey's "Worlds Apart" really mean. You still love them, not the way you did, not to get together with them, but you still care for and about them. You hope that things work out, you won't desert them, not that they have claim to the same kind of things that they did before, but you really did care, you really did love them, not in the sappy, selfish, storybook way, but in the way that God wants us to love others- to wish for their best even if you derive no benefit from it. We remember them because they mean something to us, and we care about them because caring about them is caring about us, about our story, about our common heart, about our common aspirations back from when we were together. We hope they're happy, even if they're not with us. Not a day goes by that I don't think about this woman, but I don't hate her or wish her ill. Like the Beast, I have finally learned to love, and although I may not have earned her love in return, maybe the enchantment on me that makes me undesirable, untenable, and unaffable will fade in time and people will understand as months turn into years that I love them even if I don't see them anymore or talk to them ever again. I learned things about myself because she came. I will always be grateful to her that she helped me see who I really am, what I really believe. I hope you're happy, at peace, and prosperous wherever you are.
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