I count it among my many blessings that I've never seen the movie "Frozen", but in visiting my sister this Christmas, she exposed me to a wonderful thought from that movie that resonates with me for many reasons. It resonates because I wish someone had sung this song to women I meet to convince them that I'm not so bad after all. It resonates because I sometimes feel like the Ebenezer Scrooge at gatherings with family and friends. It resonates with me because I'm still thinking about and embroiled in the Christmas season, the hope that even for me, I can be fixed and repaired and healed through the Atonement of Christ.
Everyone's a bit of a fixer-upper.
I just got off the phone with my sister in law in Texas to whom I apologized for my behavior at their home. I have very little tact, I'm very blunt, and I'm not a very gracious guest. She and I couldn't possibly be more different in those aspects, and I feel bad because I love my family, I just feel grumpy all the time. "Ain't nobody gonna make me wash!" I know that I'm a fixer-upper. I don't try to pretend otherwise. In fact, I'm a HUGE fixer upper, but her daughter and my other nieces think I'm the bee's knees. Part of the reason I think I retreat to my keep is because I don't want to hurt other people because I am a fixer upper and because I am disinclined to change even in ways I know I can. Back in 2014 I met two women who thought they could fix me, but they didn't really care about me, and so I resisted. The right person will encourage me to be otherwise; I know because she did.
Sometimes, I am loathe to admit, I resist God's attempts to repair me and heal me too. As I wrote years ago, I feel like a lesser light and wonder why He would want to help me, redeem me, send me, and call me to do anything.
At least in my own case, I really am my own worst critic. Sometimes I consider the warning given by Jesus in His sermon on the mount that "with what judgment ye judge ye shall be judged". Enter the other reason I called my sister in law. On her fridge hangs this reminder from Dieter Uchtdorf:
Please remember also to be compassionate and patient with yourself. In the meantime, be thankful for all the small successes in your home, your family relationships, your education and livelihood, your Church participation and personal improvement. Like the forget-me-nots, these successes may seem tiny to you and they may go unnoticed by others, but God notices them and they are not small to Him. If you consider success to be only the most perfect rose or dazzling orchid, you may miss some of life’s sweetest experiences.
For most of the world, it's easy to put aside the last year, the last decade, the rest of life, and just live in the present. Indeed, the evil among us demand to be integrated only in the moment of their virtue while they hang the rest of us for a moment and extrapolate it to every aspect and cranny of our lives in perpetuity. I am very hard on myself, and if that scripture holds, God will have no choice but to judge me how I judge myself. I need to remember to forgive and be patient with me too. I got used while I was married to have any minor thing in the past brought up as evidence to condemn any perceived imperfection of the present. I was never allowed to live down anything. I was never going to be fixed in the atonement; I was fixed in her mind as a villain, and very few people seem to disagree.
We do not need to be perfect to be worthy of love, especially God's love. No matter what the people I meet prattle, dogs love me, my nieces love me, my parents love me, and God still talks to me. I see things on the internet all the time about love. We each look for someone who appreciates and finds our weirdness cute; we look for someone who loves us because of the odd things we do that keep us from perfect. We long for someone to come along and think we're practically perfect in every way, to calm all the self doubt and self criticism and tell us that we are worthy of love, of their love. Each new year, we hope to find people who love us and who appreciate our love, whether they be family, friends, or fanciers. I am fortunate to have a few. Ok, so none of them live with me, but even though we all agree I'm a bit of a fixer upper I have people who look forward to spending time with me, who talk to and about me glowingly, and who look forward to our time together. Small successes, baby steps, minor improvements are things that God sees and applauds and lauds and rewards. All too many among us think that, unless we achieve completely, nothing has been done and nothing worthy is accomplished. What About Bob taught me that baby steps matter. With God, if it were all or nothing, nobody would be worthy of anything.
So I'm a bit of a fixer upper, and so is quite frankly each one of you. The good news is that God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten son that whoso believeth in Him should not perish but have everlasting life. All it takes is love. People don't really change, but they do stop making mistakes, stop repeating rebellions, and revert to what they were when they were born. Everyone is born into this world with the potential to be amazing, to be loving, loved, and loveable. There are no bad people. We are all children of God. The good news is that Love does tame the savage beast. What we cannot help with our love, God promises to help with His. Everyone's a fixer upper, and yet God tried to help everyone. God loves everyone. You're a fixer-upper, and He can and will repair, redeem, and recover you, even you. He sees your every struggle, and He knows the trials you face. I close with CS Lewis because there's a reason why we're all fixer-uppers:
Sooner or later He withdraws... He leaves the creature to stand up on its own legs—to carry out from the will alone duties which have lost all relish. He wants them to learn to walk and must therefore take away His hand; and if only the will to walk is really there He is pleased even with their stumbles. Do not be deceived, Wormwood. Our cause is never more in danger, than when a human, no longer desiring, but intending, to do our Enemy’s will, looks around upon a universe from which every trace of Him seems to have vanished, and asks why he has been forsaken, and still obeys. (Screwtape Letters)
I'll keep walking...
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