Many years ago, my Institution of Religion instructor John told me that "Sometimes what you sacrifice is closure." Today I think I realized what that means and why he told me that. John recognized that I was earnestly and honestly trying to be the best man I could be, and somehow he knew that I needed to know that moving forward. Closure doesn't necessarily heal, and sometimes it's worse. Closure sometimes requires work for which we did not plan and which cannot be easily accomplished. Finally, closure is almost always selfish. It's about you.
They say to be careful what you wish for, because it's not always what it's cracked up to be. Every time I eat a donut, I regret it. Then there's the woman in the lung cancer ads who prayed desperately to have the tube removed from her chest only to discover it hurt more coming out than going in. The cost of a larger house is higher tax and more cleaning. The cost of a fancy car is higher insurance. Closure can be a two-edged sword because in order to heal, sometimes you must reopen old wounds. In her song "I Almost Do", Taylor Swift sings "I bet it never occurred to you that I can't say hello to you and risk another goodbye". It never had until I heard that, and as much as it hurts me to feel like "Someone that you used to know", I don't want you to be hurt again by having to say goodbye again because I force you to say hello.
In an episode of Blue Bloods that I watched on Saturday, they illustrated how sometimes closure makes things worse. Danny Reagan finds cause to revisit a kidnapping/murder case that went cold months earlier. When he revisits the mother of the deceased boy, you can tell from his tone and candor and stance that he's reticent to reopen this wound because although it will probably give closure to catch and convict the killer, it won't bring back her son to her if he's dead. It will tell her what happened to her son and by whom, but it will only ask her to revisit the pain and anguish and agony as the story goes before a jury. I spoke with a young woman on campus back in June who knows that pain. She confessed to me in confidence that she'd been raped some time before. She refuses to press charges to avoid the shame and to avoid having to rehash unpleasant circumstances. I told her that it's her decision to make because it's her suffering. Convicting the man will not change anything for her, and it probably won't give her any peace, so I can't blame her for wanting to let it go. If you don't get the outcome you seek or if the possible outcomes won't change things for the better, closure might make it worse than leaving it be.
On other occasions, seeking closure creates more work. Obi-wan warns Han against pursuing the TIE fighter towards the "moon" by saying, "It's too far out, it would be good to just let it go." When Han moves forward anyway, they get caught in the tractor beam, have to fight their way out of the Death Star, and ultimately go into combat with the Death Star to protect the Rebel Base. That was a heap of work so Han could shoot one more TIE fighter!
If you get your way, what's your plan of action to move forward? Assuming when you give the ultimatum you get your way, what are you prepared to do? Most of us are attuned to rejection, such that once when I asked a girl on a date and she said yes I was so taken aback at the acceptance that I couldn't think of an idea of what to do because I expected her to reject me. I planned to quote her in my book. Instead, she threw me a curve and left me cotton mouthed.
In our previously mentioned episode of Blue Bloods and the case of the student, if they sought closure, they have to go to trial. They have to recount the events again, in lurid and lucid detail and have it questioned and probed. That sounds uncomfortable! Then there's the manpower involved in investigation, arrest, and trial. Closure creates a lot of work, and as willing as we may be, sometimes the person to whom we promise closure pays more than they get. I've said before that I love nothing so selfishly that I won't let it go for its own good. When I was falsely arrested, my attorney told me that although it might be fun to put the idiot detectives on the stand, it wasn't in my best interest. My best interest was that things just went away and let me get back to my life.
Assuming things go well, you need to be ready. I once showed up to move a family in my congregation over ten years ago to find them completely unprepared. In a huff, I decided to force it and do it my way. Owing to disorder in their house and my fitful pace, the move was done quickly but poorly, the goods backed efficiently but not safely, and the loads packed tightly albeit not securely. I never heard any complaints, but I remember not finishing until long after dark, which upset my wife as well, because this was long past the expected time. A few weeks ago, I ordered rock to be delivered. They told me it would be after noon, but when I came home from cycling, I found the truck there dropping the rock. I had the afternoon off, so when I came home, I started shoveling feverishly to get it out of the road, and just as I finished, the clouds rolled in and dropped rain. I had worked during the hottest part of the day, and I slept through the storm rather than enjoying it because I wanted closure that day. Other things likewise take work, and if you don't have the tools, a plan, the tenacity to finish, then you just won't do well. Not to mention, nothing smells worse than wet manure!
If you come unprepared to act assuming you get the closure that you want, sometimes you end up improvising and doing things neither efficiently nor well. Miracle Max taught us that if you rush a miracle, you get rotten miracles. Likewise, we warn students in lab that if you try to force glass through a rubber stopper, it's usually you who gets cut. If you try to give an ultimatum, if you try to force something against the grain, in the wrong time, in the wrong way, then it's usually a crime to God even when it's not a crime to men. Only virtuous means lead to virtuous ends.
I finally understand why Passenger repeats a phrase in its hit song "Let Her Go". He says "you only know you love her when you let her go and you let her go". It's not accidental that he says it twice. You're not just letting her go. You're letting go of her. If you care about something you set it free, and then you move forward. Rather than sitting on the porch or keeping a weather eye out daily hoping to see it, you let her go do what she's going to do, and if the path leads back you left the door cracked open. You haven't been there for a while, but you know you'll open it to the possibilities. It's what the father of the prodigal did. He let his son go, and then he let him go be what he was going to be. When the boy came back, he was disposed to help; he wasn't watching. He was going about his life as his prodigal son had. He let him go and he let him go. You only know you love someone when you let them go and you let them go. Closure is about you.
Six years ago, when a woman I seriously dated dumped me for a man with a skinnier waist, I decided to burn the relationship. I told her proudly, "I know I'll make a good husband and father, but if you think you can do better, good luck and goodbye". She sheepishly said goodbye and then I hung up the phone. Although it allowed me to move forward and heal, I realize now that I hurt her in order to heal. The only person served by this was me. It didn't help her. It didn't help that other guy. I certainly don't encourage you to say those words to anyone because it won't help you. It's an ultimatum, and they are rarely, if ever, given out of love. That was all about me having power, having the final say, and deciding when and that it was over so I could move forward. Hippocratus did teach me to first do no harm, so I'll do nothing and let it go.
Handling grief well is hard, so much so that I'm not sure if anyone does it well. This year, I buried all of my grandparents, went through a serious medical episode, and watched my hiking buddy bury his mother. A woman who I thought might one day date or marry me (Friends From All Walks) decided although she didn't know this had happened that she wasn't interested anymore and stopped talking to me completely. I lost another acquaintance after the SCOTUS rulings. I hurt myself hiking. I am still wrestling with a feedback loop from 9 Aug 2013 that will not close. There is nothing I can do about any of these things that will heal because the onus to act is on other people. I can seek closure, but only at the expense of other people. I can seek justice, but only at the expense of innocents. I can seek to heal only by either waiting on God or hurting people I love. I could burn people, and that might make me feel satisfied or proud or clear for a moment, but it won't necessarily make anything better or easier, and it certainly won't heal others if I lash out in anger. So, I let it go as much as I can because my attorney was right when he advised me after a wrongful lawsuit so many years ago: "If you decide to sue, I can use the money, but it will be better for you if you let it go". It would have hurt innocents and people I liked, and I would be the only one directly serviced, so I let it go, and he was right. Even Dantes admits to Ferrier in the Count of Monte Cristo that the priest was right. Let it go. True love is forever.
So, I decided today to follow John's advice and sacrifice closure. Even if you get an answer, it might not help, it might not make it easier, and it might kill whomever you want to make the miracle. If you rush a miracle, Miracle Max's wife taught us, you get rotten miracles. I really do believe that "Everything has been done in the wisdom of Him who knoweth all things." God knows me, He loves me, and He has a plan. I don't know what it is or how I fit into it, but I trusted Him four years ago, so I'm trusting Him now. I even found three pennies today, and as agitated as I was this morning, when I picked up the first, I honestly and seriously considered whether I really trusted God, and then I DECIDED to trust Him and let it go. I may never have closure, but I can have peace and faith and trust that some day I will reap what I sow however disappointing 2013 and today might be.
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