Second-Guessing Myself

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Over the weekend, we talked a lot with my kid sister about her vocational decision and prospects. I must admit that I spent a little time in self-pity, because I actually envy her, not only what she has decided to do, but that she is young enough to qualify and because it just enhances the synergy she has with my parents. By the time I was driving back home with my parents both asleep, I realized I was just second-guessing myself and using current information to analyze historic turning points. I cannot honestly evaluate past decisions with present data, and those decisions made sense at the time.

Although with the information I have now I might have decided differently, when I made decisions in the past they made sense at the time. I made educational, vocational, and locational decisions based on what made sense then. I chose a college major that I liked and in which I was told there were more opportunities than turned out to be the case. I chose my current vocation because it made more sense than the alternatives of which I was aware. I bought the house in which I live because at the time it was close to where I worked. Who was I to know that what I should have studied was Biomedical Engineering, that I should have pursued a wider range of vocational options when job hunting, or that six months after moving into my house I would be transferred for work. None of those things make sense now, but when I decided to do them, they made perfect sense in that context. People seem surprised that I live where I do, work where I work, and do what I do when it is clear that I’m not idyllically happy. I am happy. Everything I control is under control. I know I could be happier.

I second-guess myself all the time. After spending a significant amount of time deliberating the details, seeking counsel from friends and family, and making it a matter of prayer, I move forward. I have no idea what I’m doing really, because everything that made sense then makes very little now. There are many things I cannot predict, and there are many things I cannot control, and when those combine frequently people ask me why I live where I do and work where I do and do what I do. It made sense when the decision was made. Even marriage fits into that category. I chose my ex wife after deliberation and inspiration, and the women I have pursued since then were likewise considered. I have to remind myself that I acted in concert with what I actually knew and that I am not the only actor on the stage of my life.

While wrestling with this one night, I received inspiration that warned me against guessing about things I don’t actually know. As I have written this month, there are things I just don’t know, and sometimes I am glad things didn’t work out when I discover something I didn’t know when those actors were on stage with me in the play of my life. Hindsight is clearer than our vision in media res, but I cannot honestly judge myself or anyone else based on what I know now. If I don’t improve, then shame on me.

Currently, I have a new conundrum. Some recently received revelation conflicts with information that I have. I do not know what to do about this precisely, because it seems silly and stupid to persist in impressions when all the data decries the desired outcome. Then again, it also wasn’t raining when Noah built the ark, and even if I don’t need it, I would rather be ready and not need it than need it and not be ready. We spent several days in bear country last week, and although I never needed either the bear repellent or bowie knife, I am glad I didn’t have to wish I had brought them. You lose 100% of the contests you don’t enter, so I prepare for what might be, knowing that only those ready to act will be able to win. Hopefully the inspiration will bear the fruit for which I hope and give me understanding of why things happen and reason to rejoice in what I reap.

At the end of the day, my life isn’t how I expected it to go. I imagine that’s typical for most people. If I knew then what I know now, I might have decided differently, but if I decided differently, I would be a different person. That’s the paradox of time travel. If you go change the past, the events that created you going to the past would never come to pass, and you would never go back in time. When an opportunity arises, I consider the options, make a choice, and take it to my Maker for His stamp of approval. Thusly armed, I move forward. Sometimes things don’t seem to matter, but I have the consolation to be able to say as Lincoln did that “the cause approved of our judgment, and adored of our Hearts — in disaster, in chains, in torture, in death — WE NEVER FALTERED”. When I received the approval to move forward, I did, and I did what was in my power to bring into the realm of reality that possible future that I desired and sought. Sometimes it’s not much to say that you did your best, because the reward of virtue is that you have that virtue, but I don’t have any regrets about what I did for my part. I only miss what might have been if others had done theirs.

All those people who could have been bigger parts of my life, I do hope your lives turn out well. They only will when you own them. Rather than second guessing yourself, evaluate your decisions and change your actions. If you have regrets, change something. If you made a mistake, fix it. Otherwise, move forward and know that I thank you for the memories. You mean something to me, even if we only spent 15 minutes in conversation across the street from Paul Revere’s house. Thanks for the memories. I will never second-guess the cherished moments of our passing. They are precious to me as you were when once we walked the path of life together.