Midlife Crisis

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I watched my sister walk at her graduate school commencement last weekend and had my midlife crisis. We're about ten years apart in age, and so I started to take stock of where I am versus where I expected to be. I reminded myself that I made decisions that made sense with the information available at the time even if other choices now seem wiser. I reminded myself that her circumstances cannot be mine because we chose slightly different paths. I reminded myself of all the good things that go on. I have discovered that, done well, the midlife crisis can be a midlife navigation and invitation.

One of the most useful things in setting my new course was actually a piece of brickabrack at the eatery where we met my brother and sister in law for lunch. It read, "Teaching- I'm not in it for the income; I'm in it for the outcome", and I totally agree. There is something magical about seeing someone make a connection and realize something that's new for them. I remember back in graduate school how much I loved teaching, so much that I focused on being a TA over my laboratory responsibilities, which angered my major professor. I enjoyed that so much more than our work in lab, and it influenced greatly my choices since then.

Graduate school itself was far different for me than for her. You infrequently hear me speak of my alma mater or friends or coworkers, and the few reference I make are as vague as possible to avoid slander, because I had a rough time of it by and large and didn't enjoy it much. I have zero interest in going back or keeping in touch, because most of the people from that time who actually transformed my life in ways I like are no longer there. There were things I didn't know back then or didn't do back then because there was nobody able to help me in the ways I would like to help my historic self. Besides that, the things that really mattered were under the watchful eye of Providence, and God led me to a land of promise.

Maybe I don't have the salary or family like people I knew back then, but I do have my merits, my knowledge, my abilities, and my students. They know me. Some of them don't like me, and that's probably normal, but I am highly requested and have high retention rates in my sections, and I earn good money doing it even if I earn the absolute minimum. It sure beats selling fries. When my sister graduated, I was healthy enough, wealthy enough, and available enough to travel up to commemorate accomplishments by a cherished family member. Just because I don't have a family of my own doesn't mean I can't love the one into which I was born.

It was a time for me to check my life goals and review the charts of my voyage. That night, my sister threw herself a "Quarter of a Century Party" in conjunction with her concomitant birthday. I hit the freeway and thought that I've completed more than 33% of my life and still lack any posterity. I have however learned to be true to myself, pursued things I thought would make me happy, improved when I could, and held my ground once I got there. I live simply but healthily, I speak quickly but boldly, and I do something I enjoy at a wage that supports the lifestyle I enjoy and the obligations coupled thereunto. My midlife crisis was a time to change my navigation if necessary and an invitation to consider if my course will still lead me where I intend to be.

Happily for me, most things remain "full speed ahead". Not that I measure my worth based on what my students think, but since they are my most immediate and frequent source of feedback, the fact that a vast majority of them take me for multiple classes or recommend me for more opportunities shows that I must be doing something well. I think Sir Thomas More would be happy that I, unlike Baron Richard Rich, chose to be a teacher. I know as do my pupils and our common God whether I am doing any good, and I am at peace largely with what I'm doing and how. Of course there are some minor adjustments to make, but that's good to know too. It sure beats having to beat an addiction or a felony conviction or a financial indemnity I cannot hope to ever pay.

Each of us gets to check in with their former self, and I imagine that in some way we're all disappointed. Our reaction to this is either graceful or ingratiating. Whereas many people I hear go find a new girlfriend or a luxury sportscar or a vacation package, I looked out at the feedback I received, acknowledged it, and set out to prove that what people think well of me is true. I am out trying to earn the positive feedback. It will be nice if the college also marries that to our merit increases, because I could profit greatly from what I really am. If that's a crisis, I'll take another!