Since I got divorced, I've been single every Valentine's Day except once. I was sad to discover during the day that so many of the people about whom I care and who I respect didn't have any exciting plans tonight either. Some of those people were married, but many of them are also single. You may feel differently than I do about what matters in life, but for my part, it's the people in my life who made the difference, and every person I loved who isn't there anymore constitutes a void I feel sometimes very acutely on windy, rainy days like today. It's been almost a year since I saw or heard from some people who were important, and for the rest, it's been a great deal longer. I don't really expect to hear from most of them; unlike most people i meet, my exes don't come back or really ever talk to me again (unless they have nowhere else to turn for help or money). Usually Valentines Day sucks for me for that reason. It felt different this year.
Most of our conversations and relationships with people lack substance. We don't really know that many of our neighbors or friends, and most of us wouldn't dare impose on them on a day like this anyway. Partly that's on us; partly it's because we don't want to remind them they're alone on the "day of love". I talked to two fairly attractive students today that I know, neither one of whom has actually been in a class with me, but I didn't do so with an ulterior motive. Sure I was open, but I didn't talk to them because I wanted a date tonight, and they didn't make any offer to change that or find out what my plans were. The people with whom I spoke the most were the managers at Burger King when I stopped to pick up some cheeseburgers for my "date" because it's so very rare to see a bunch of managers all working together. They were sour a bit, but I think it resonated when i pointed out that their associates are young people for whom this day is very important. The rest of conversations I had were with men I know at work who don't apparently have anyone either. Some of them were also glad to have 'dates' like mine.
I feel odd that I have longer relationships with other things than with people. You know I have an unhealthy emotional attachment to my 1995 Saturn. When I left work, I ran my hand along the trim, patted Car2D2 on the dash and said, "Hello old friend". Interestingly enough, every relationship I've ever had, and everyone I've ever taken on a date with whom I wanted a relationship has been a passenger in that car. Every. Single. One. My entire life is represented in that car. It's been everywhere I've been if I didn't have to fly there first, and everyone important in my life or whom I hoped would be important who had the opportunity has sat in it, whether they wanted to or not. Former students know that my Saturn is part of my identity. Most of my friends know the rest. I am also heavily attached to and grateful for my beagle, who is also my valentine. Boy was he ecstatic when I walked through the door with cheeseburgers. He has been with me for every relationship I've had since I was married. He is sitting there right now on the minky blanket my mom made him for Christmas keeping me company, and later he'll go sleep in my closet on my socks and towels to keep me company. I have learned more about love from this dog and this car than from all of the flapping fish and the girls I've loved put together. No matter what happens, that dog adores me. If I hurt him or ignore him, he forgives me as if I never gave an offense, especially when I did it accidentally. He is grateful for every bit of attention, every treat, every walk, every time I go over and scratch his ears or rub his tummy. As for the car, I learned that when you have a problem, you don't trash something you love and replace it. You find out what's wrong and then you work until you repair the damage. Last weekend my mom let slip how much she's worried about me when the dog dies. I think this dog and this car are competing to see who can last longer in my life, but mom is correct- when they are no longer staples of my existence, I'll be a different person. Here's a picture of my two loves- my beagle in my Saturn:
Earlier this morning I surprised myself by being more excited for the happiness of all my exes and would-be exes than you might expect. In addition to wishing them all a Happy valentines day indirectly on twitter, I also took to prayer and asked God to help them all have a happy day, even to include women I don't like who have tried to wreck my life. I mean, I'm not necessarily interested in seeing them per se, but I don't really get anything from wishing them ill, seeing them suffer, or watching them ache. I know God loves them, even if I don't know why or how, and many of them found people who love them too, so I hope they're happy. Ok, so maybe it rained this morning, but it could still be a beautiful day for them in less literal ways, and I hope it was. My mom is the only person who said anything uplifting to me, but the dog purred when I rubbed him, and the car sounded like a 22 year old car should probably sound, and when I got to my house everything was in order, and I had a good time eating cheeseburgers by candlelight and watching Damn Yankees with my beagle. He just enjoyed my company. He went deaf about a year ago, so even if cares about what's on TV, he can't hear it.
Today was a pleasant and quiet day for me. It's probably the first Valentine's Day in years when I wasn't upset to be single. Am I stoked about that? Not even close, but I have a dog who loves me no matter what for the rest of his life and a car on whom I've been able to rely for years. Maybe that changes tomorrow, but love, true love will follow you forever. Truelove is forever. So all of you out there looking for love, hoping you have it, and hoping that those you love return your love, I'm with you. I hope what you have is real. I hope what you have is wonderful. I hope it changes your life for the better. I love God and love that He gave me things to make my life better. For those who I loved and lost, I thought about you all today, even if you're in another town and someone tries to lay you down, I hope you're happy and that today was a good day.
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