19 November 2017

Faithful to our Calling

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We all want to do something worthwhile with our lives, to make a difference, to do something worth remembering. From where we stand, sometimes it's hard to measure if we're doing anything, what it might mean, because we're forced to play the short game with most people, since they come into our lives only for a season. Even if we're not destined to be average, sometimes we forget how few people truly get to rise to those lofty areas. Only a few hundred people play in each professional sport. Only a few dozen artists make the top 40 chart. Fewer than fifty men have been president. It doesn't diminish our contribution; it changes it. We need to be faithful to our calling.

Whatever our circumstances, Dieter Uchtdorf reminds us to lift where YOU stand. We are placed in different circumstances with different people and equipped with different talents and skills. No two people recreate the circumstances of another. Try as we like, like as we might, to think we know what we would or could do, we could never be sure of what we would do in another place. All we can really decide is what to do where we are, how to play our cards, and how to act according to our personal propensities. God knows that we differ, that we won't be perfect, and what we might do, and so He places us together with certain circumstances and certain people where what we are will be the best option. He knows that we don't always have all the cards, that other people may fold, and that other people's cards may be better. That's not the point. The point is to play the best we can, to do what we can do, to do things the best way we can think. I think that if He wanted it done better, He would do it Himself.

Having been chosen to participate in the calling and circumstances where you find yourself, the onus always rests on you to do YOUR best. When God doesn't call the "best", He calls the most available (Neal A Maxwell, Deposition of a Disciple). Your willingness to go and do will trump other people who decide to sit and stew. We may not think that we have much to offer, that our feeble efforts amount to us. With the great tide of evil, considering the great preponderance of selfishness and villainy, it makes sense that so many of us despair at our meager abilities. Remember that out of small and simple things proceedeth that which is great. David slew Goliath with a handful of small stones. Gideon defeated the Mideonites with only 300 soldiers. Samuel was only a small boy when God spoke to him and told him that he'd replace Eli in the tabernacle as chief priest. Far too often, we compare the strengths of others to our weaknesses, their advantages to our disadvantages. It's not fair to them or to us to refuse to recognize the influential and significant albeit small advantages our availability affords the Almighty. You may not be the best, but if you are competent, active, and care about them, then they may rise to the occasion and benefit more from your contribution than you realize. It may not come when you think.

Be faithful in YOUR calling. Our callings vary in our lives. Our circumstances vary in our lives. Our ability to act varies in our lives. On a stone archway in Scotland stands the following admonition: "What'e'er thou art, act well thy part." If you are in charge, be a leader. If you are on a team, carry your load. If you are a teacher, come prepared. If you are a student, facilitate learning. If you are rich, enrich others. If you are humble, celebrate God's goodness in your life. Wherever you are, do the best you can to approximate what Christ would have you do. Not everyone will be exceptional; not everyone wants to be. Everyone has the opportunity to be the best they can be whatever their circumstances. Viktor Frankl wrote about the last of human freedoms- the ability to choose your response no matter where you find yourself. They cannot take away your ability to choose. They can influence it with either benefits or privations, but you must surrender it in the end. Ample opportunity exists no matter your place to prove which master you truly serve. That's the purpose of this life- to prove each of us herewith if we are willing to do whatsoever the Lord asks of us.

If you would like to do better and be better, know that you are not alone. That is commendable. F. Anzio Busche however taught that the most important thing to which we can aspire is to be entirely under the influence of the Holy Ghost who will tell us what is truly good and right to do. Everything has a place. Every effort God asks matters. We don't see it, we don't get to benefit from it, but if nothing else it proves our faith, our disposition to act in concert with what God asks. Each act of obedience evinces how truly we serve that Master. You are responsible for what you do with your life. Whatever your circumstances, you can make a positive difference. Sometimes the following poem helps keep things in perspective:
“Father, where shall I work today?” And my love flowed warm and free. Then He pointed me out a tiny spot, And said, “Tend that for me.” 
I answered quickly, “Oh, no, not that. Why, no one would ever see, No matter how well my work was done. Not that little place for me!” 
And the word He spoke, it was not stern, HE answered me tenderly, “Ah, little one, search that heart of thine; Art thou working for them or me' 
Nazareth was a little place, And so was Galilee.”
The Disciplines of Life by V. Raymond Edman
Being faithful to our calling isn't about the outcome. We cannot actually dictate the decisions made by other people. We cannot decide the outcomes of the world or guarantee the things we hope or promise, especially since other people are involved. That does not diminish the value of our efforts. The victory isn't in radically changing the world. Christ already did that. The victory is in acting, in doing well our part, wherever we are, to lift others and give our best honest effort every time with every person. Do not disparage the scope of your efforts. Christ went to a small nation, taught mostly impoverished people, kept relatively few followers, and yet 2000 years later, His life, mission and teachings irrevocably transformed the world.

01 October 2017

Getting Ahead of God

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Maybe you, like I, feel like you're not where you ought to be in life, and maybe you, like I, feel that God's not giving you what you truly need and deserve. Yesterday, I was up on Mt. Charleston again near a gigantic currant tree that is bearing no fruit and felt like I really need to go cut it down. You see, God cut me down again this month as I was passed over for a promotion AGAIN, but instead of whining I asked what He wants me to do now. It is normal for mortals to be impatient, to expect great signs, great blessings, and great assignments to be done in accordance with our faith and faithfulness. However, we learn that sometimes the signs come quietly, the blessings come disguised as trials, and the assignments don't validate our worth or meet our expectations. Rather than waiting on God, we insist we know better and can do better and live our lives without trusting that He can do more with our lives than we.

I understand the temptation to desire to move on with your life. You get tired of being lost, of being alone, of being hurt, and so you find yourself tempted to glam on to whatever passes your way if it even approximates what you seek to have something. Sometimes it seems more real to have someone with skin on even if that skin isn't really what we envisioned as our Land of Promise. When Moses stayed on the mountain "too long" the Israelites concluded that he "must" be dead, that his god "must" be imaginary, and that it would be "better" to fashion one of their own from gold. When Nephi and his brothers failed multiple times to get the brass plates from Laban, they concluded it must be "sour grapes" and not worth their effort. We know God "clothes the lilies of the field and feeds the birds in the sky", but we don't trust that it's coming. We're not alone. Even my favorite prophet, Elijah, wasn't really sure God would feed him when he got to Zaripeth and then was upset when God slew the widow woman's son. However, God reassures us that, even when we must cut a hole in the roof and lower ourselves into the presence of Christ that when we actually draw near unto Him that He will also command us to "rise, take up thy bed and walk". Sometimes God's blessings aren't ready for us yet. Sometimes the people don't want to cooperate. Sometimes it makes no sense because the blessings would just be taken from us. So, we take what we can, hope it's enough, and refuse to give back. We are selfish, and we find it easier to take what is than wait on what could be. It leads us to wrong careers, wrong spouses, wrong addresses, wrong educational pursuits, and all sorts of wrong choices, and we sin because we miss the mark and miss out on the best God desires to give us. I myself find it hard to wait. I feel like I ought to be married with a family or promoted to a position that recognizes my worth and skills or in a position of authority and responsibility in my Faith. However, I am probably on time for MY story, because every story has different timing, details, and destinations along the way. There is no formula for how your life "ought" to be except that you OUGHT to trust in God's timing. He knows what you truly need and when it it advisable to grant you those blessings. Immature fruit is in some cases at least as bad as no fruit at all, so He asks us to wait until the harvest is actually ready.

Most of God's work and blessings are simple because "Simplicity is the ultimate sophistication" (Leonardo da vinci). Even Elijah, who talked with God a lot more than many other old testament prophets, noticed that God was not in the earthquake or the whirlwind but in a still small voice. When Naaman came to Elisha, he took offense at what God asked him to do because the rivers in Syria were cleaner and better, but his servant wisely asked him "IF God had bid thee do some great thing, wouldst thou not have done it?" Most of the miracles Jesus performed were small, simple, and done to individuals and with only a small retinue of onlookers. When He bled in Gethsemane for our sins, nobody saw, because the disciples who accompanied Him fell asleep instead. Solomon rose to fame for a simple decision over a single child between only two women, but the wisdom of his perspective gained him a reputation that spanned the known world. When Jared's family left Babel, God touched some smooth stones and made them glow with light. Gideon defeated the entire Midean army with 300 men. To move a mountain or make the sea become dry land, to cross an ocean or build a ship upon the sand, we all think we would do those things if asked, but we do not do what He does ask- to love our neighbor and to forgive when we are wronged, to keep our promise and have our word become our bond. From an early age, I have known that God expects great things of me, and I expected that the fruits of those things would be easily visible to everyone everywhere. Instead, I served an "unsuccessful" mission, lost the blessings of marriage, struggle to get promoted at work, and stall in my wages. What I can see is that students pay me the compliment of taking multiple classes that I teach, retain and recollect what I teach them, and recommend my classes to their friends and family. It doesn't make me rich, but it keeps me employed. My religious leaders, despite the fact that I have no family of my own, trust me to help teach THEIR children with almost no oversight or correction. People don't know my name, they don't consider me a hero or aspire to be like me as a rule, and if any of them choose to be better because of things I teach them I usually don't know. I am supposed to be a teacher. I have known ever since I first heard the exchange between Sir Thomas More and Baron Richard Rich that God wanted me to be a teacher. My paternal grandfather respected me highly among his grandchildren because I became a college professor, even though he knew I wouldn't be famous or wealthy because of it. Even last weekend on the mountain, one of the field rangers told me that "[I] have a very explicitly clear way of explaining things to people." You may disagree, but in this inauspicious calling and vocation, I feel very strongly that I am doing God's work, earning His approbation, and seeing His blessings even if they're not visible to you or the ones I prefer to receive.

The wiser I become, the more I realize that blessings must come as trials, because it is in the furnaces of affliction that valuables become pure and refined. As we pass from grace to grace, success to success, in order to grow, the bar must be raised and push us to a greater degree of excellence. Leaving Egypt turned out to be a great crucible to purify and sublimate Israel into the kind of people God wanted to inherit His promises and Land of Promise. I imagine that the children of Israel erroneously assumed that leaving slavery in Egypt would mean perpetual hollyhocks, sunshine and skittles, and wealth beyond the dreams of avarice just because they listened and obeyed during the Passover. Boy were they wrong. Life got HARDER. When Nehemiah returned from Persia to rebuild the temple, I don't think he anticipated opposition. Yet, they had to arm themselves, organize patrols, and refuse to negotiate with their detractors because "We are doing a great work and cannot come down". Imagine the surprise in the Apostles at Calvary when their Master actually died on the cross- the Messiah they knew and loved and served was actually killed by the Romans, and then even after He arose from the dead, He left them to contend not only with Rome but with the Pharisees and Sadducee who derogatorily referred to them as "Christians" and continued to heap persecution on them. Even CS Lewis's fictional 'patient' discovers that Screwtape suggests that every trick be used to make his conversion as weak and as temporary as possible. Lewis also reminds us that some of God's best servants go through longer and deeper trials. Christ himself went into the wilderness for 40 days to be tempted by the adversary and yielded not. Can you even last a week? It seems like there is always a desert (Moses crossed it several times) or a wilderness (Nephi) to cross in order for us to get to the promised land. Simply allowing ourselves to be converted is good, but it's only a single step on the path to the Land of Promise. Consequently many decide to stagnate, and although they may continue to refer to themselves as Christians, they walk a different path- a quicker, easier, more seductive one, without speedbumps or signposts that leads not to prosperity but to hell. God knows what He desires us to be. All too often, however, when He starts remodeling our lives, we fire the subcontractor Christ and return to Egypt because it was easy, predictable, and comfortable. We don't really want to do the work. We want the benefits without the sacrifices. We want faith without trial, testimony without temptation, exaltation without sacrifice. If you don't like the path getting harder, you don't really want to ascend to the peak and meet with God face to face. You must climb in order to rise up higher, and it's difficult until it becomes routine.

As a member of higher education, I see that most of my colleagues have become so learned that they think they are wise and have no need of a Savior and God to rescue and prosper them. However, a BA/BS, MA/MS, MD, PhD, JD, VD, or KBE do not make us experts on life, living, or the Lord. You can study at a "religious" institution and never actually learn anything about God and who God really is. I graduated from religious seminary and my Faith's institute of religion, but I do not take it upon myself to portend to speak for God on all topics to all people, to have all the answers, or even to have the right answers. Each person must forge their own personal relationship with Christ and trust His wisdom, His grace, and His timing. We like to rush things, forgetting that "if you rush a miracle you get rotten miracles" and that if you force something usually you get cut. We like to equate our visible status with our state of grace and assume that our rank, our wage, our titles, our families, and our address equate with God's approbation, forgetting that it rains on the just and the unjust alike. We like to think that, having been converted and convicted in our beliefs that God will continue only to allow the sweet fruits of His presence in our lives, forgetting that in order for us to walk He must take away His hand and allow us to walk on our own, drawing from the will alone a desire to continue to walk His way even when we feel He has abandoned us. Like a father teaching his son to ride a bike, God must take away His hand, and like that father, God continues to run behind us, ready to catch us WHEN we fall and help us move forward again. I wish I knew when God intends to grant me the financial and familial success I think I deserve and that so many people think I would use wisely. I wish I felt confident all the time in the value of my contribution, the influence of my testimony and perspective in class, and the value of that education to transform the lives of students. I wish I trusted myself as much as God seems to when He sends me another Kobiashi Maru to prove my character. I know that my life is not a movie or Nicholas Sparks novel, that most happy endings come at the ending, and that many people only reap what they sow later than they like. I know that most of what I assume is happiness and prosperity in people around me is a play. I know that there are things I cannot see or understand because I am not a god or a dad or an apostle, but I also know that they don't know everything either. When I pray, I feel like I am where I am supposed to be, even when other people fail to do their part, that God is pleased with my stumblings and that, interestingly enough, He wants me to be more patient towards and merciful with myself. Sometimes I don't believe He has a plan for me, but even when I can no more than desire to believe, I know that I am holding back the corruption of the adversary.

It is a disappointing month. The last years have been disappointing. Maybe even sometimes God is disappointed with me. I know I'm disappointed with myself. I also know that, if I were as bad off as think I am, I wouldn't care, i wouldn't listen, and I wouldn't hear. I wouldn't serve, I wouldn't love, and I wouldn't still pray. If I didn't have a testimony, I would have abandoned Him long ago, and maybe that means a lot more than I think.

08 September 2017

Simply Satisfied

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Instead of jogging in a thunderstorm this morning, I thought it wise to use the time to finally return to blogging. I don't have anything particularly insightful to say, but I am realizing things about myself that bear repeating in case they're normal and you wonder if they're not. Many people say that I'm boring or pedantic, pedestrian or puritanical, but I really think it boils down to the fact that I'm a man in an adult body who acts like it. Adulthood is full of routine and responsibility, something that even people much older than I seem desperate to avoid, and I know that my life costs me opportunities because I take my responsibilities seriously. Since the start of fall term, however, I have found myself feeling almost every day as if I had a good day without anything spectacular or remarkable happening. Especially as we think of people reeling from disasters in Houston and Montana, I find that a few simple things each day make me feel like I really did have a great day. All it takes for me is to find a quarter in a vending machine abandoned by a student, successfully evacuate in the bathroom, and see a beautiful woman. I now that standard may seem small, but each of these things symbolizes something much bigger and helps me remember just how blessed I am.

For me, the quarter represents symbolically a "profitable" day. I mean, a quarter isn't worth much, but they're usually shiny, and it is something tangible that I can hold that made me "richer" that day. When my paycheck finally arrives, it will dwarf the quarter by a great amount, but for now, I hold something in my hand that is worth something. Many days, particularly over summer term when we run fewer classes and host fewer students and I find myself reading books in my office and listening to the radio, I feel a much lower sense of satisfaction with the day, as if it profited me nothing. If they are honest, I think most people desire their lives to have meaning, purpose, and value, and so in a visible way when I find a quarter I know that my life produced something of value that day. I looked back through my journal before bed from this same time in 2011, and I mused on the fact that I'm still really experiencing the same things, which means the lessons aren't really sinking in. Maybe my days aren't as valuable because I still haven't learned from them. Maybe just like most of these quarters were actually made years ago just like those memories I can finally learn something valuable from the past.

I know that a "successful evacuation" may seem like a very odd thing to celebrate let alone mention on a blog, but for me it shows me information about my physical state. As long as I remember, I've needed corrective lenses and I still struggle against stubborn belly fat, but for the most part I am in fantastic health. I know that good health is a form of wealth not universally enjoyed. I spoke yesterday to a friend from Miami to make sure she evacuated in advance of the hurricane, and I know that she hasn't really been able to use her legs since she was 14. She is in almost constant pain, and I can't really empathize because I'm actually a picture of health myself. Ok, so I'll never make it on a pinup calendar or Mr. Universe contestant, but I have all my limbs and faculties and could go running this morning if I wanted. I decided not to tempt fate and lightning just to stick to my routine. Some people can't make that choice because they are sick or wounded, halt or maimed, blind or deaf. Additionally, the quality of my evacuation tells me about my metabolism and my diet, and I can gauge whether I put something in my body that doesn't belong.

As we go through life and experience trials, sometimes we lose sight of the wonderful, beautiful, amazing things around us. Part of why I travel is to see the works Thy hands have made, the majestic vistas, sunsets, storms, and species that really cover the globe. It is a wonderful, beautiful world. Yes there is ugly and evil and difficult, but each day, I count it a success to see a beautiful woman, even if she doesn't see or acknowledge me. I saw something beautiful that day, and it reminds me that beauty does and can exist everywhere, anywhere, anytime. Maybe you find this shallow, but when I see beautiful women I thank God for creating something beautiful to "please the eye and gladden the heart". Sometimes it takes longer than i like to see one, which is odd considering the plethora of young and attractive women that I could encounter on a college campus, but the last few weeks since the semester started, I have caught myself taking stock of these three things and counting it a good day. There is beauty all around. There is beauty in every life, in every person, and some of the women probably don't believe they are as beautiful as they are. That doesn't mean their comportment matches their countenance, but it catches my eye and allows me to say that I saw something beautiful even when I don't travel, and even when I'm confined to my office, lab or building during the entire daylight portion.

Leonardo da Vinci is credited as saying "Simplicity is the ultimate sophistication". I live a simple life. Maybe you would consider it boring. Maybe you disagree. That's ok. I decided back in 2011 that I was ready for simple. I look for these three simple measurements of the day, and when they are met, I raise my eyes and my voice in prayer and thank God for a great day. I found something valuable, I register and remember my good health, and I celebrate something beautiful. That is actually, at least for me, a pretty good day. It enriches my wallet, my health, and my senses. At the end of the week when I'm tired, sometimes I feel like it's a pretty low standard, but simple isn't necessarily inferior. I have a simple life but a satisfactory one. "My needs are small, I buy them all at the five and ten cent store. Oh I've got plenty to be thankful for", and I am thankful. I don't need the sensory stimulation of others or the fat paychecks or nonstop entertainment. When it rained earlier this week, I actually took some time to sit out in a chair and just watch the drops wet the pavement. Simple may not be sophisticated to some, but it's satisfying to me.

28 July 2017

Entropy and Human Nature

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According to the laws of thermodynamics, all things devolve into chaos and disorder unless acted upon by an outside force. The same is true of human behavior. Unless we continue to preach, teach, expound, exhort, encourage, direct, correct, and recognize even the minor improvements, humans also devolve into their baser nature and act like every other animal. They will cheat, lie and steal to preserve their own. They believe that to the victor goes the spoils. They will kill their rivals to take mates, power, positions, shelters, or victuals. Everything devolves away from civilization unless civilized behavior persists. Civilized behavior starts with a moral and religious people. That's probably why America is on the decline, because "Our Constitution was made for a moral and religious people. It is wholly inadequate to the government of any other". Default human belief holds the conventional view that if we don't act, everything will be destroyed. Well, that's true, but the actions they propose have a short sighted end game in mind, an end game that is only far enough away to get them reelected. In fact, that's what politics is- applied rhetoric, where people persuade people to agree, where the best arguer wins and not the best idea, because the person who argues best is declared the winner. well, history is replete with examples of persuasive arguments that failed- the Spanish Armada, the Third Reich, HD DVD, every single Crusade, the guillotine, ad infinitum. Almost every time we rush, we fail, or at least we get something other than what we intended. Desireable outcomes come from deliberate and consistent action. However, that's not human nature. Everyone is actually, if left to themself, concerned with their own advancement, the rest of the people be damned, in particular people they dont' know or like. No matter what we like to think of ourselves, each of us is human, and human beings seem to be selfish, indigent, lazy, dishonest and debauched. It is not war that never changes. It is human nature that never really seems to change.

Changing human behavior without changing human nature is like hacking at the leaves of a problem rather than the roots. Until we address the root of the problem and deal with the enmity inherent in the natural man, in instinctual behavior, hacking at the leaves will not gain us any ground. In fact, I remember from graduate school learning that many plants, when the leaves are cut, increase root growth, and so I think in many cases we are making it worse by only attacking the leaves while allowing the problem to be even more firmly rooted in our society. Why do liberals insist on superficial and superfluous activity on the leaves? It's easy to hack at the leaves and people can see your work. I dug a palm tree out the first year after I bought this house because it was growing so it would block access to the front door, and it was a pain. Seems like every time I cut a root, four more would appear to replace it. It took weeks to dig this palm tree out, and nobody even noticed until it was gone because I did it after work, in the dark, and only as much as I felt like it that summer until I was too tired and hot to continue. Politicians aren't in office long enough for the correct plans to bear fruit, so they do things to look busy knowing that most people equate action with achievement. You may not like the Democrat party, but nobody can argue that liberals are very good at getting what they want into play. Liberals act first and think about it later, forcing everyone else to play "catch us if you can".

Instead of teaching virtue and trying to solidify the family, liberals preach about laws and try to solidify government. The world works from the outside in, hoping, erroneously, that if they change behavior it will change nature. Well, it is a canard that doing begets being, but being almost always begets doing. Not everyone who does the right thing is a good person, but good people do the right thing. When Democrats rammed through Obamacare, they told us that we had to "pass the bill to find out what's in it" but when the GOP wanted to replace it, the Democrats cried foul that they didn't get to see it first. How can they possibly honestly protest the things they do when done to them by others? It's because they don't understand human nature- that people tend to do unto others as others do unto them. If liberals really wanted to change the world for the better, they would not pass laws that disavow access to raw materials. They would work at teaching the most crucial raw material (people) to be responsible, to be honest, true, chaste, benevolent, and then those same liberals would set the example. instead, liberals show us that they, like humans naturally do, are willing to do whatever it takes as long as it doesn't cost THEM anything. Then they point out the mote in another's eye to distract your gaze from the beam in their own. I do care about children, women, sick people, and the poor. It is a fallacious argument to claim that unless I agree with you that I must not care about them. IN fact, when you quickly jump to an emotional argument, I know that your logic and reasoning is weak or else you would continue to defend your position on its merits without such a reducto ad absurdium.

Chaos erupts from an inequity between human nature and behavior because we all have different subsets of information and because some of what we know isn't actually true. Knowing that even if everything you know is true that you may not know all the truth, liberals appeal to emotion without evidence, selling people on a reaction to information rather than conclusions based on actual evidence. Even when you present them with evidence, they discount it if it doesn't corroborate what they already happen to believe. When new information comes to light, they either disregard it or say "oops" and assume they have been forgiven and set about to try again. For them, it's ok to be only human, but I never get to use that argument. All too often they excoriate me for an inability to perfectly live a standard they refuse to even attempt. Ordinarily, it's considered insanity to try the same thing twice expecting different results, but they keep trying to build a socialist utopia, despite all the other tyrannies that ended in failure, insisting that THEY are special, and that THEY will succeed. Perhaps that's why liberals keep lying and why for them the ends always justify the means. They believe honestly that they will succeed where others failed, that what they believe is and of a right out to be the only desireable outcome. Well, each of us values different things, and even when we value the same things, often we value them for different reasons. What if I don't like the ends or I am hurt by them? It's only a win for me if the outcome is desireable to me. Since their beliefs are ideological, and inherently selfish, if they are satisfied, they erroneously conclude that it is by definition virtuous, even if obtained by immoral means, even if other people are hurt, because they won.

I really like the guy who writes BirdandHike.com, but today I saw on his website that he thinks that if you want to protect and preserve access to public lands you ought to vote democrat. This is an argument from ignorance. The mine at Anniversary Narrows is a lithium mine, and the demand for lithium is driven largely by liberal democrats who equate lithium batteries with environmental responsibility. That is incredibly incompetent. I have seen the earthen works at Anniversary Narrows and Silver Peak, both of which are lithium mines, and those mines like most mines are MESSY. Consider also the pollution associated with making a battery and then generating energy to store in that battery, and the "environmental" movement is at least as harmful as the alternative. However, since the people driving the cars aren't creating the pollution, they conclude because they do not see it that it must not exist. What? Liberals who drive hybrid vehicles must sleep well at night knowing that although their cars are also polluting and killing the environment the pollution is created by other people, probably those evil republican corporations that own the mines, and so it must be ok. This straw man dinner theater somehow leaves liberals clean as a whistle and ladles the blame fully onto the evil GOP. Let's not forget that Barack Obama (D-IL) was president when the mine reopened and that both Sandoval (R-NV) and his predecessor were liberal RINOs. Somehow, everyone associated with diminished access to the area is liberal, but the GOP becomes the scapegoat and takes ALL the blame.

Human nature must be overcome by consistent and intentional correct training, which is why parents, families, and marriage matter so much. Behavior is learned by example, and the examples people see teach them how the world really works. Most people are born innocent, and although many of them are taught correct behavior, since their parents, peers, and patrons practice contrary to their preaching, people learn that in order to get ahead, you break the rules. Eventually they learn that connections mean more than achievement, that people can and will be bought, and that "it's only a crime if you get caught". Since so many people seem to escape the negative consequences of their actions, they think that nothing matters and do whatever they like. Fortunately for me, I didn't notice the way the world really was until I reached high school because my parents endeavored to live what they taught, and it wasn't until my activities extended beyond my own household that I noticed the duplicity. With so many people born out of wedlock, raised without a parent or by a surrogate, and taught by the sophistry of man, even when mingled with scripture, it ensconces the notion that hypocrisy is normal, acceptable and laudable. People must be held accountable for their actions as well as the consequences thereof. Just because a thing is legal doesn't mean it is moral. Just because we can do a thing doesn't follow that we ought to.

People must learn to do what they ought to do and be held to the fire to do so whenever possible. We excuse too many people and blame too many others. Our best athletes, musicians, clinicians, and artisans rise to prominence because their coaches and mentors hold them to high expectations. There is a good reason why teachers matter so much, because people need to be taught the best way to do something rather than a way that happens to work. Most people are not the exception; most people are the rule, and you're not probably going to be lucky enough like a coworker of mine to go to the same bar every Friday night and be approached by an attractive woman who exalts you like a king. Family is the crucible of correct civilization, so when the family is faulty, formed incorrectly, or fractured, and when the parents abandon their obligations to the tutelage of other influences, people do not do what they ought, sometimes because they don't know what they ought to do. Entropy says that we end up sharing the least common denominator, so the further we are from ideal the further our behavior will be from ideal. This renders utopia impossible, because people who cannot conceive of or understand what utopia looks like cannot possibly be expected to build it.

Someone once said that "power corrupts and absolute power corrupts absolutely." Indeed it is the sad disposition of almost all men that as soon as they obtain the least scintilla of power as it were they immediately begin to exercise unrighteous dominion. Most of this unruly and unrighteous behavior is about power- about establishing our dominance as a species and in a tribe of our own species. People are mean to people in order to get power- stealing, murdering, coveting, disobeying, backtalking, etc., are all parts of asserting dominance. It is concluded among our species because it is true among the others that the last man standing is in charge. So, they shout down opponents, attack their character, attack them with intent of bodily harm, in a bid to appear to be the best. They are proud without principle. Just because you are principle among a people does not follow that you are a principled person. Principles must be connected to actions. That is why I believe in Constitutional government and why I defy liberalism. Nothing convinced me more that liberalism was the philosophy of hell, the philosophy of chaos, as reading CS Lewis' "The Screwtape Letters". As I read those pages and then listen to liberal politicians prattle, it's as if I hear Screwtape, Wormwood, or Lucifer himself trying to persuade me that they can build on earth, which is fallen, the utopia that heaven alone can sustain. Chaos and disorder are normal. They are the rule unless your rulers are people of principle, people whose actions actually lead to the outcomes they claim. It is however human nature to do whatever it takes to get ahead, and that's how you know who the base among you truly are.

25 July 2017

Genius and Debauchery

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One of our adjuncts talked with me about James F Watson of DNA Double Helix fame and gave me information I didn't already know. Since becoming a professor, I have defended Dr. Watson against spurious accusations of professional impropriety, but now I learned about the rest of his story and the unspoken reasons why Watson did and believes as he does. Bernie's major professor in graduate school was a classmate of Watson back in the 1950s who described Dr. Watson as a "veritable horndog" who would chase any woman any time for any reason. As we talked, I realized that many of the people we consider to be genius in their field were also debauched to the point of almost moral bankruptcy, which explains their concomitant ability to do whatever it took to succeed. In fact, isn't that who we usually consider to be elite- those willing to do whatever it takes? Along the way, everything else is important only for the moment it remains in focus, as these geniuses focus single-mindedly on the only thing that actually matters to them- whatever makes them great.

Michael Phelps
Like most athletes, Phelps got into drugs and women as a consequence of his catapult to stardom. However, he doesn't really care about any of that. What he really cares about is swimming. He wanted those medals. Everything else was coincidental and consequential to his athleticism. If you spent six hours every day swimming, you would probably also be as attractive and find yourself surrounded by beautiful women. Of course, none of them mean anything to him, which is why he didn't spend more than a single night with them and essentially regards them as immaterial strangers since more will come. If you swam that much, you would probably be ravenously hungry too, but Phelps apologized for smoking pot, not because he found it immoral, but because it put his athletic career and olympic prospects at risk. He quit something bad only because it threatened the only thing about which he actually cares.

Albert Einstein
Everyone knows the unkempt, frazzled-haired genius who described the behavior of matter and energy in the universe. What they may not know is that in describing our universe he destroyed his own. Albert had at least one son and one wife, both of whom he essentially abandoned in order to pursue science. Along the way, he also had a series of illicit affairs and fathered other children, but none of them really seem to mean anything either to him or the world. The state of chaos associated with his desk attests to the fact that he really didn't care about learning to tie his shoes, drive a car, cook, or clean up. Those things detracted too much from his scholastic research. He even had an escort to make sure that he didn't wander out into oncoming traffic, so focused was he on his "genius".

Franklin Roosevelt
Although largely deserving of gratitude for helping America roll back the Axis powers, a lot of the methods used in arriving thereat come under question regarding their morality and expediency. Many of you know that Korimatsu v. United States deals with the illegal incarceration of Americans of Japanese descent as dissidents. President Roosevelt was also a pathological liar who led America to believe that he was perfectly fine when in fact he was a cripple. What kind of an example is that for the handicapped in America- a man who would not confess his and excoriated others for theirs? He was also somehow a bully, who threatened judges to comply or be replaced in their Supreme Court seats until he bludgeoned them into compliance. Held up as a great humanist, it was his idea to develop and use the atomic bomb on our enemies. Imagine if he were a Democrat today! His target might be Trump Tower.

Rosalind Franklin
One of the reasons Watson was able to "steal" Franklin's work is because she was in a relationship at one point with James Watson. Her only interest was in X-ray diffraction, and so when Watson asked her associate Wilkins for access to the image, Wilkins complied. Franklin didn't care what they meant; she only seemed interested in creating them, which eventually lead to her death from exposure. She was marginalized by Watson who excluded her from credit for the Double Helix model, but to my knowledge she never officially protested. It was simply ancillary to her work creating images of things you could not otherwise visualize, and once the pictures were "taken" she seemed completely disinterested in their disposition.

Benjamin Franklin
Well known liar and womanizer, Franklin was never educated, but he convinced France that he was an American Doctor and inventor. True, he had a keen mind, but if you ask Thomas Jefferson, who has his own skeletons, Jefferson couldn't stand working with him because he would entertain the attention of every woman in France, married or not, and had incestual relationships at least allegedly with several. Franklin was incontinent in some ways, rarely exercised, ate decadently, and engaged in all sorts of immorality, then he helped write a Constitution fit for a "moral and ethical people". Paradoxical. I had more difficulty embracing him as a Founder and Framer than any other of the men of '76.

Mark Zuckerberg
Zuckerberg not only dropped out of college, but he became rich for creating a website meant to track who was currently having sex with whom. The entire premise behind Facebook as a part of Harvard life was to keep track of who was available to hook up for a fling. I guess so many people are driven by hormones that it caught on, grew, and somehow grew profitable. Now it's a means by which to become famous, albeit for a moment and albeit sometimes for embarrassing reasons, it encourages people to waste time on feelings rather than anything substantive and encourages and enables debauchery. Facebook censors conservative commentary, but if you want to spread child porn or advertise for Muslim extremism, Facebook will leave your page alone in the name of "free speech".

Errol Flynn
Renowned womanizer and heavy drinker, Errol Flynn died young at the age of 50. If you watch "Don Juan" you can see him shortly before he died, apparently and acutely aware of the consequences of his choices, but still unwilling to abandon the largess that lead to his ultimate demise. Did he ever quit? No, and his only known son followed suit but died as a war correspondent during WWII probably at the hand of Japanese soldiers.

Nikola Tesla
Often lionized by those who feel slighted by his marginalization in favor of Edison, Tesla was no paragon. He was addicted to billiards and rarely ever slept. He was exceptionally critical of people who were overweight, openly calling them out and in mean fashion. One wonders what he might have thought of Ben Franklin... Although some reference his belief that women were superior to men, they seem to forget that in later life he was extremely critical of women whom he perceived willing to trade feminism for power. Paradoxical since Tesla sought so much power. He was obsessive compusive, and demanded dinner precisely at 8:10 PM. He was also rude, one time calling a friend in the middle of the night for an audience while he talked out a problem with a theory after which, once solved, he promptly hung up. He believed in eugenics and selective breeding, but I never hear his fans mention his similarities with National Socialists. He disdained religion, but claimed that he would see visions and flashes that inspired his work. Tesla was essentially a man of vision who saw no real purpose in receiving them. In essence, he was two-faced.

William Shakespeare
Prolific playwright, Shakespeare abandoned his family in Stratford on Avon to work in London, having a series of alleged affairs, which may be the muse behind some of his more famous works. Before winning the patronage of Queen Elizabeth, he routinely bilked patrons by using their money for drink and debauchery and writing plays for other people to whom he was in arrears for work, the funding for which he already squandered. In fact, Elizabeth probably spared him from the shank or the gallows, and at the very least from debtor's prison, but his behavior didn't really stop. It just changed venue.

One thing is consistent about the people considered genius. They found their niche. If not for that, they would largely just be schmucks. What unites most of them is their debauchery- that most famous and powerful and rich and influential people are morally bankrupt in their debauchery, and we only know about them because they got lucky. If not for the chance to become famous, they would just be more schmucks who gave in to the natural order of instinct and followed their emotions and hormones to do whatever they liked when they felt like it because they could. As the Bard wrote, "the evil that men do lives after them. The good is oft interred with their bones" and President Lincoln once said that "If you look for the bad in mankind expecting to find it you surely will." Genius is nonsynonymous with virtue, and in fact it seems that in order to be a genius one must essentially eschew a life of virtue. Unfortunately, people only seem to look for the evil in people they don't like and see only the good in people they truly do like. Perhaps that is the truest genius...

20 July 2017

Classic Canards

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Enroute to work this morning, one of my radio stations entertained a caller as they do every Thursday who solicits input from the listening audience on a conundrum. Today's caller was a woman who wants to date a married man who called asking for feedback but who apparently really sought cheerleaders to endorse a decision already reached. In the City of Sin, she apparently thought that the listeners would tell her to "do what feels right", "just follow her heart", and do whatever is best "for her", since that's what she intended to do. Both she and I were surprised that most people thought she was bound for heartache owing to the logical fallacies she entertained in order to even consider this option. No matter what, she was going to date this guy, it was going to work out for her, and it didn't matter to her what facts contravened her expectations, who else might be hurt or at least inconvenienced by her single-mindedly selfish search for satisfaction. I was glad other people called her out for her nincompoopery and the canards that mislead so many other people. It is inhumane to continue the lie that rations the niceties of logical fallacy, that ignores empirical fact that this kind of behavior is not sustainable in a civilized society.

This woman labors under the mephistophelean argument: Heads I win; tails you lose. No matter what, she was going to be right. She was going to date him anyway, she was just hoping people would call in and support her decision so she could feel better. Instead, she took the opposition to mean that she was doing right on the auspice that opposition mounts most often when you are reaching a desirable and noble end. Well, that's true in MORAL things, but what she's doing isn't moral at all. Most of the respondents were critical, and I was frankly surprised that even the show hosts were critical since it's not exactly a paragonal program. Most people seem to think that she will crash and burn. I hope she does, not because I have any animus towards her, but for another reason altogether. No matter what they say, she was going to press forward, and no matter what happens, she will not be bound by any of their prophetic pronouncements. No matter what she wins. If it fails, she can lay the blame on others for "poisoning the universe against her" with their "negative thoughts", and if it works out, she can take credit for being smarter than all the nay-sayers. No matter what, it's a good idea and you are just hating on her or wish to deny her her happiness if you don't license and lend support to her cause. No matter what, it's not her fault and all the glory is hers. This argument based on emotion, on selfish search for satisfaction ignores the things you don't control and blames any outside influence for interference. It's the canard that accompanies every failed effort that amounts to nothing more than an ideological pursuit for utopia.

It boggles my mind how many people feel that no matter who is hurt in the process that the ends always justify the means. She labors under the delusion that she can build a sure relationship on the ashes of a former failed one. Men are told that a woman who will cheat on their other relationship with us will also cheat on us for someone else. I am sure that also applies to women, but this woman insists that he's not cheating and will never cheat. She knows what she wants, and she will doggedly pursue it no matter what. I cannot comprehend why so many people will bend heaven and earth to pursue and then maintain relationships with people who are aberrant and abhorrent morally and who will bend over backwards avoiding a relationship with me. The male caller they took on the show was dating three women at once while married, and everyone knew except his wife. So, he's out there schtuping three different women, and this woman caller wants to be the affair with another guy, but meanwhile I cannot get a date to save my life. However, something tells me that I wouldn't want any of these women anyway because the means they propose do not lead to the ends I seek. I have previously opined the maladjusted notion that delicious food can come from spoiled ingredients, but these people are all inherently selfish. It's all about what they want to be true, the actual facts and truth and opinions of others be damned. Unfortunately, this isn't the attitude of a spouse and partner; this is the attitude of a teenage girl, and no man of substance wants to date a teenage girl because teenage girls are never happy. In fact, it is not true that there are no good people to date, it's that so many people are competing for the attention of those already taken. A misbegotten notion exists that if someone is taken, they are desirable and we by extension ought desire them too. It makes as much sense as fighting over a single piece of cake when the rest of the cake remains available. You cannot build on earth, which is fallen, using the sophistry of man a utopia that heaven and its laws alone can sustain.

Most people are not the exception, they are the rule, or else the exception would be the rule. If dating married people always worked, nobody would date single people, because statistically single people are undesirable as aforementioned. Of course, then why would a married man want this unmarried woman, but that's overthinking it, isn't it? Most people discouraged it because natural law dictates that her efforts will likely end in failure, heartache, and disappointment, and then she will excoriate all men as pigs when the fault lies with her for following a false premise and promise. He's already broken promises to his betrothed; what makes her different? She's special, and things ought to work out for her because she's her. You don't really know all the faults of a person until you live with them, and in that tender point of their courtship, she probably sees him with rose-colored glasses as someone who can do no wrong, who is misunderstood or underappreciated by his wife, and that this woman can and will by extension do better. What hubris! What narcissism! Her opinions are unhinged from moral roots, from reality itself, caught up in the delusion that fairy tales are still real at least for her. What is she, six? If it works, she will doubtless not consider herself fortunate, lucky, or the exception but will consider herself exceptional, omniscient, and omnipotent. She will take this as a sign that she is always right about everything. This naivete is common to and defining of young people, and although I don't really know her age, by now she should know better than to think that people fart rainbows and vomit skittles. I cannot believe how fully she capitulated to contrarian canards of logic that she will be special, that he really loves her, that it will be different with her than with the current wife. Why do we delude ourselves? Why do we ignore all pretense at logic when in love and see only what we wish to see? This adolescent attitude and argument was met with appropriate scorn and disfavor from the listening audience. One woman went so far as to excoriate the woman as the worst person she's ever met (notwithstanding they have never met), which I felt was a bridge too far, but I digress. Before the hosts returned the program to music, even they predicted and prophesied misery and woe for this woman. I would love to see how her story plays out, but we only hear about the ones that do. Dating sites parade on the successful without telling you how many are failures. Mark Zuckerberg is heralded as a financial wizard when he's really a reprobate college drop out who built a financial empire on coitus, since that's what his social network was originally designed to do. These people are not the rule or EVERYONE would be rich, famous, or happy.

I know this may seem odd coming from a man who is himself divorced, but my marriage did not fail because I quit it. It failed because my wife quit the marriage and refused to entertain any effort on my part to repair the breaches, real or imagined, that led to her feelings of slight. With my cynicism came wisdom, that I am not the exception, that it is not all about me, and that only right things done for right reasons bring outcomes that I actually desire to keep. Rather than blame her or seek to rationalize or excuse myself, I took ownership of my faults and asked others for wisdom, and eventually I listened. At no point did I ever seek a relationship outside the confines of matrimony while married. In fact, that's how I got closure from most of my relationships; as soon as they married or moved in with someone else, it no longer mattered. Any romantic feelings I might entertain needed to die, and I let them, because to entertain them put their marriage at risk, even if that marriage was one of Common Law. I will not be the scapegoat for any failed marriage. I will not deserve the scorn that comes to a homewrecker. My late friend Tracie sought my affections while married, and she was totally taken aback when I declined.  After her divorce when she no longer seemed interested, I knew I had made the right move.  I truly hope that woman are not all this stupid, or else no wonder I can't find one I desire to keep, and it's no wonder that none of them are interested in doing what it takes to keep me. In their minds everything does and of a right ought to revolve around them. We all know that's not a persuasive argument even if it is a pervasive one. People like this are the problem- in religion, in relationships, in commerce, in philosophy, and especially in politics because, more often than not, if you think that you cannot possibly be wrong, you are, because pride comes before destruction.

21 June 2017

Musing Without a Muse

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I haven't had much to say by way of posts lately. Partially that's because I'm lazy. Partially that's because it's over 110F here, and I'm pretty drained. In truth, it's because I lost my muse, and I don't care so much about anything any more.

Most famous art, whether you like it or not, was inspired by something or someone. Most of the things people do, they do to obtain attention from or draw attention to that person or thing. It's called a muse, and it's the audience of many songs, the model of many paintings, and the impetus behind many actions. Sometimes, the muse isn't virtuous. Some men do things because a king leads them, because they are bored, because someone promises them money or fame, or because they simply feel like it. Sometimes it's motivated by a person, and when that person leaves, some time passes before we find a muse to motivate us to keep up with our art.

I first noticed the change last fall. I didn't really register it until March of this year, when I suddenly cared a lot less about whether or not I ever saw my muse again. When I realized that she didn't really exist anymore, that was the end. The person I miss no longer really exists. She decided to walk a path that renders the woman I knew incongruous with her choices. Now that the person I miss cannot really return, I find myself without much motivation to care especially about anything. I don't care about anything. I don't value anything. Sure, I'm not going to change my opinions or be silenced, but I'm also not really motivated to stick out my neck for anything or anyone in particular.

Today I watched coworkers slink out of work early. I don't really know why. I know most of them just sat at home in the air conditioning. I don't know why they are working and why they leave work when I know that they don't really have anything about which they are passionate. Last night, I watched "Operation Petticoat" and when the nurses come aboard the Sea Tiger, the men comment on how they finally know why they are fighting. i have everything i really want. My only friend moved to Ohio, and I think I might be settling into my "mid life crisis", if I'm going to have one, but I really don't care enough to change my clothes, my car, or anything about my life. I just don't have anything about which to care.

There are some posts in the drafts section, but I am holding off on them because they are either cynical or political, and both of those things create negative feelings and emotions. I wanted this blog to be a place of inspiration and hope, to show how I overcame obstacles and forged ahead, but I find myself mostly working off my keester just to maintain the status quo. I will continue to say what I really think and be who I really am, but I'm becoming more Don Quixote than I like, as much as I admire the character, and that concerns me.

For the next few weeks, I'm engrossed in a research project. It will keep me busy during the day. Even the campus locksmith acknowledged today that she doesn't see me much. I'm off campus for a few hours every MWF, and then I'm stuck in the instrument room for a couple more. It's all very exciting. Maybe afterwards I'll feel like writing again and find something about which I feel strongly to write.

09 May 2017

Too Much Exercise

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Since Nevada forced me to wear a Fitbit and prove I wasn't "too fat" because I was sedentary, I have obsessed over the feedback it gives me. I have also obsessed over reaching new heights and beating goals, mostly to beat myself. Yes, I compare my steps to some friends, and I enjoyed impressing some Brits at Yellowstone when I told them I was very proud of my two 45,000 step days. Of course, my best friend from high school marveled at my weekly totals, but he's doing more important things with his life and time. Exercise, when it goes to an extreme, is no longer about good health, being a good mate, or just routine health maintenance, because it becomes about YOU. Eventually, you exceed the capacity of your body, your genetics, to reach an arbitrary fitness ideal. That ideal becomes the goal, rather than fitness a means, and we become obsessed with exercise, essentially as addicted to it as other people are to drugs. They tell us to do all things in moderation, including moderation, but you can't always see yourself as you really are when you're in the middle of things.

Like most people who exercise, I do this for me. The problem is that too many people do it in order to vaunt themselves rather than as a means to improve themselves. I read today about the "revenge diet", in which people who lose their significant other turn their suffering into motivation to get in shape. However, this is about pride, about what CS Lewis called "the pleasure of appearing to be the best". For many years, I have maintained that a man who has the physique over which women drool does not do so for a single woman; he does so to get attention from as many women as possible. We know that's true with many women, particularly those who use their beauty to purvey pornography or sell salaciousness. I suspect many people who do this are doing it so they can brag and say, "look what you lost" or "look what you'll never get to have". It's not about being better for the sake of being better, it's so they can shove it in the face of someone they claim they loved that they traded down. Well, the women I dated "traded down" in my opinion, but they ended up with guys who were what they truly desired, and I am happy for them. I am unwilling to go to the effort required to be a body builder, and I don't care for the attention it might garner, so for the one who married her husband because he had a waist under 30", more power to you. I enjoy exercising, and I feel bad on days when I don't. I notice changes for the better. However, no matter what I do, I weigh around 203lbs all the time. I'm fighting genetics, and this is my "healthy" exercising weight and size.

Too much causes short term and long-term physical risk. Everyone wants to be attractive, but few of us have the genetics to be olympians or underwear models. Still, society preaches that we ought to be, and so we push beyond the wise limits of our genetic makeup rather than playing to our strengths. Even if we take care of ourselves, other forces conspire against us. As my step count rises, my shoes wear out. I burn through a pair of shoes every four months. However, before I realize I need to replace them, they lose the ability to cushion me, and as a consequence I hurt my foot a few summers ago. It was difficult to walk, to drive, to hike, and racquetball was out of the question. Anything done to excess portends problems. Later on, I possibly got sick running in bad weather. My obsession with fitness eventually started to become counterproductive, and I knew I needed to walk it back. I didn't. It's one thing I control, so I pressed forward and reached longer stretches of intense activity. I started doing this, in the summer of all times, to keep busy, to keep out of trouble, and to keep my mind off the Heartbreak of 2013. Soon, however, I began to do so intentionally to exhaust myself. The Music Man taught me "the idle brain is the devil's playground", so I would exercise to the point of exhaustion. On days when I don't have late class, I frequently fall asleep early, like around 9PM, because my body knows it doesn't need to do anything. Well, last weekend, after a record-breaking week of 256,000 steps, I went up to St. George to get out of town. Well, since you sit while driving and it was late at night, my body decided it was ok to shut down some non-essential functions like my eyes and rest, which is a huge issue driving at night in the Virgin River Gorge. A landmark study showed that prolonged periods of exercise have long-term consequences on health, leading to decreased quality of life later in exchange for peak fitness today. I have long wondered why so many endurance and performance athletes actually look unhealthy. Now I have an answer as to why.

Eventually, too much exercise becomes an end rather than a means. Even I now view the fitbit as an end rather than a tool. At first, I worked out to earn the incentive offered by insurance for meeting the fitness criteria provided. It earned me almost $1200/year in savings from my health insurance premiums, so I looked at it as getting paid $25/week to exercise, which was fantastic. Later, it became a way to compete in 5k, 10k, triathlons, and in preparation for difficult hikes. I managed to get back to a 33" waist and meet or beat all of the bloodwork goals that NV sets as standards for fitness, but it wasn't enough to impress people. So, it became the end itself. I tried to wear myself out every day so that I wouldn't have time for any pain besides physical. It was something I measured, that I controlled, and that I could achieve without other people, so I tried to beat myself. The first time I accidentally got to 39000 steps, I went out for a walk around the block just to get to 40k. Now, I get upset if I don't break 200k steps/week, and it is now the end rather than the means. Now, I obsess about getting a certain number of steps, of being up and about, and the fitness apps aren't any help. They alert you if you aren't active every hour, and they encourage you to compare yourself with friends. I know it's supposed to create motivation, but I'm already motivated. On Sunday, the day of rest, I get more steps than most people get in a regular day when they exercise. I find these new apps to be deleterious to the prescient participation in sports rather than encouraging. Pride gets no pleasure out of having a thing, only out of having more of it than the next man (CS Lewis). I even smugly look on prior days when I get more. I walk rather than run because running steals steps from me, and some days I walk the equivalent of 20 miles. Good thing I'm not also carrying a 130lb rucksack and fighting for my life.

Even a virtue, carried to an extreme, becomes a vice. Exercise is good for your health, water is good for your health, but too much of either can actually hurt you physically, emotionally, etc. I mean, in many cases, I am so much more interested in steps, so that I know I really care about someone when I'm willing to disrupt my routine to make time for them. The steps are THAT important. I am interested, not in health, but in steps. I am so interested in steps that I take more than I should under conditions that are bad for it and put my other health aspects and my life in jeopardy sometimes. Although I don't usually publish my success and I'm not competing with friends through apps to show who is the "most fit" I do compete with myself. I have 586 days with 30k steps, 282 days with 35k steps, 29 days with 40k steps, and my 2 days of 45k steps. As of January 2017, I logged 12,400 miles walking. I feel good about these achievements. I also feel tired. I wish I had something else towards which to strive. I believe in chi^2, goodness of fit, so I'm not interested in a revenge body. I want to live well if I live to be old, so I am not interested in doing the Ironman and risking my own death just to be average in a group of super athletes. I want something else out of life besides living a long one. Exercise doesn't mean as much. My high school friend is a bishop, a husband, and a father, and that's far more important. Besides, someone who really likes me will think the sun shines out my arse even if I'm a little fatter than maybe she or I would like.

02 May 2017

Unexpected Return

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When my fortune cookie last week prognosticated that "an old friend will return to your life" I admit my skepticism. Fortune cookies are notoriously unreliable for many reasons, but I read them anyway just for the halibut. Last night, before class, when someone unexpectedly called my name and walked towards me, I swore she looked vaguely familiar. I don't have many friends, and I don't usually have many people come back for any reason other than to borrow money, and so it was a great surprise to see Jennifer after several years, and she was surprised what I remembered about her and about the time when we knew each other. Usually I don't get to see other people's perspective on shared experience, because they leave before they tell me. Usually I don't get to see people again unless they need a loan or a letter of recommendation or some other sort of help before they vanish again into the nether regions of memory and time. Usually I don't get to feel what I expected it is like to see people you love again after a long period of separation, people who know private and intimate things about your attitudes and passions, because the people with whom I share those things have all married other men only to never return. Sometimes people come into our lives only for a season, and sometimes that season is shorter than we like. Sometimes they come back, and I'm curious to find out why Jennifer of all people returned.

It's interesting what people remember about your history together. Jennifer told me that she recognized my voice. Well, I didn't recognize hers, but I did remember that she's the one who suggested I go look at the house where I have lived since, even though she doesn't remember giving me that tip. As I mentioned, she was surprised that I knew her current last name; well, I remember when she introduced me to her husband and that I disproved, but it wasn't my decision or my consequences, so I let her do what she liked with her life. I didn't realize she knew where I lived, but I was touched that she had tried to find me and even remembered that I didn't use my real name on Facebook when I had an account. She couldn't find it because I deleted it four years ago almost exactly, so there was nothing to see. It's nice sometimes to meet up with someone from your past and find that they not only remember you well but that they still think highly of you even after all these years. You see, things and people do change, and all too often the evil that men do lives after them.

Honestly, most people who return do so in order to gain some benefit. Unlike those people, Jennifer is the only woman who ever borrowed money from me who paid it back. I don't think she actually expected to run into me, and I doubt very much that she spoke to me in the hope of some personal advantage. Even when we knew one another, she was actually independent, and she prided herself on the fact that, although her parents essentially disowned her when she converted, she paid her own way in honest employ and overcame most challenges without any help. Our friendship was one of the few that really reached what Aristotle wrote of as the highest form of friendship- for shared principles, but we would also commiserate and converse about anything and everything, and when a woman I liked broke my heart in 2009, Jennifer defended me and took my side, which is rare in my experience. Then again, she did that with others, and if anyone had ever written advertising for me about why you should date me, hers might have been the most laudatory, which is why I helped her when she needed it. I drive by the bank sometimes where we met for her to repay me in full, and on time I might add, and think about how embarassed she was to have to ask and how small she must have felt to know only one person in a position to help without guile. It was hard when her husband felt threatened by that.

Like almost everyone, Jennifer and I parted ways because her family didn't like me very much. She and I met shortly after she converted to my Faith when I was assigned to minister to her as a fledgling member of the Faith. Naturally, her family was upset about her baptism, but she valiantly stood her ground and followed her impressions anyway even though she had been an atheist only six months before we met. Subsequently, her friends didn't like me because they, like Jennifer, were all latina, and I'm a Nord, but after some of them met me, they were impressed and sort of let it go since they no longer viewed me as a threat to their station. Finally, when she met her now husband, he protested our association, because he felt insecure about the kind of relationship Jennifer and I enjoyed. I wasn't interested in her romantically, and she wasn't interested in me, but he didn't want to take that chance, and shortly after they got together, he wisked her off to Idaho. Although Jennifer and I weren't bosom buddies who did a lot together, she was a kindred mind, someone with whom I could talk about anything, and she would make time for me. I suspect she regarded me as a trusted older brother given that I was about eight years or so her senior. As someone ostracized from her actual family, she probably appreciated having someone she trusted without an ulterior motive with whom to spend time and on whom to spend effort until someone wow came along for her to pursue romantically. It's too bad he never gave me a chance, but it's actually the rule rather than the exception that he did.

Since I was late to class, I gave her my phone number and rushed off. I don't know what this will actually produce. I keep telling myself that people who are important will return, so maybe Jennifer's season in my life isn't over, whatever that means exactly. It was unexpected. More than anything, Jennifer didn't ask me for money. Maybe she will yet, but she didn't last night, and I appreciate that. Maybe she really was and is my friend. So very few people from my past made it to my present. Most of them lasted only a year or two before vanishing into the ether from whence they initially sprang, and since Tracie cannot return from the grave, Jennifer is the only other woman I met here who knows anything firsthand of my proclivities, personality, and private thoughts. She has seen things most people never do, and it might be nice even if I only see her sparingly to see someone kind, someone good, and someone supportive from my past even if it's not romantic in nature. At the very least, I can hardly believe that my fortune cookie was true. Even a broken clock is right twice per day.

01 May 2017

Doug Does Dumb Things

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Last Saturday, I decided to drive up to Mt. Charleston to hike in preparation for my summer volunteering. Since I like to actually look like I am fit and since the mountain is more difficult than my regular hikes, I like to make a few trips up to the Bristlecone loop and carry a backpack with rocks just to get myself in shape for the more arduous terrain. I was also tired of the people down in the valley and thought it would be hot, and knowing the mountain to be cooler even without snow and cheaper since you don't need a pass to get in, I decided to drive up and stick to my routine. Except the day was anything but routine. This was probably the most difficult hike I've ever done at Charleston Peak. Last year, we hiked up in April at night to watch the sun rise, and as dangerous as the dark is, at least the trail was clear. This was not. It wasn't just blocked, but it was iced. I told myself I'd hike to the snow line, but in truth the snow line was visible from the parking area, so I went further than that of course to stave off boredom, and that's what I did. At least it was only I. Nobody else was put in jeopardy because my brow was brass, and even I wasn't hurt.

I knew there would be obstacles, but obstinately went anyway. It was maybe a half mile in when I felt for the first time the full impact of low oxygen levels. Since that trail starts at 8200 feet and the top of Red Rock is 6700 feet, any amount of summer hiking fails to adequately prepare me for the elevation. I stopped a lot more often than I like. Sometimes I stopped for literal obstacles in the path, but not willing to take that as a sign, I decided to climb over the giant ponderosa pine that came up to my waist and continue on, and so at about a mile in, I already cut my leg. When I arrived in the parking lot it was a balmy 38F and breezy, and I was woefully underdressed in shorts and a short sleeve golf shirt, but I had my heater (backpack) and just told myself I'd walk faster, and the last half would be in the sun anyway. Well, the snow made walking faster impossible, and the snow or really ice meant that the air all around me was cold, and I burned more calories in the six mile loop than I usually do in a day, probably just shivering to keep warm.

Although I knew the dangers, I pushed on. I probably should have turned back when I hit that first switchback and had to grab a tree to keep from sliding down the embankment, but I told myself that it would be fine in the sun, that the snow wouldn't be so bad. Well, it got worse, and it kept getting worse until going forward was just as bad as going backwards. There were about a half dozen stretches where the trail was completely covered with 1-3 feet thick drifts of ice, hard enough that I couldn't use my boots to kick in for a better footing, so I hoped that the footings from others headed the opposite direction and days before would accomodate my path. Several sections the ice stretched so far that I couldn't see the end, anywhere from 10-30 meter sections, and although I used my hands to steady myself, I found my hands go numb through my gloves. It was cold enough my camera stopped working. My stupidity never failed me. Despite all of that, I said a quick prayer to God and then trusted that if this was my final day I'd at least die doing something I liked, even if I did freeze to death in a cell phone dead zone.

Unwilling to change my plans to accommodate others, I went alone. I hike all the time. What could happen- so you die a little? Nobody really knew exactly where I was, and my family would have wondered if I didn't show up Sunday to get them at the airport, but I really didn't feel like I should put my life on hold even for safety reasons. When I finally encountered people, I warned them, but if they disregarded my warnings, I can't blame them. I essentially said, "Do as I say, not as I do" since I'd already crossed *successfully* the section I advised they avoid. "Well if that idiot can do it, we can..." One looked relieved. Some looked disappointed. The last couple, the oldest people I met, looked like they took it as a challenge. They probably made it. So, I came across as that feral hypocrite who wanders the woods aimlessly and warns people of spooks in the elderberries. There was neither anybody young on the trail or anyone attractive. It seems like the elements dissuade all but the most foolish or dedicated from making an attempt to conquer nature. True, it's rare to still have this much snow in April here, but we did have a banner year, and the mountain has snow above 8400 feet in more places than you think. It was beautiful.

All too often, in life, we get in over our head. Unable or unwilling to see the dangers, we press on into paths unknown or unadvised because we can or because we think we're the exception. Unable or unwilling to forsee things, we go unplanned. Unable or unwilling to admit our faults, we go it alone. What need have we for a Savior? People warn us. People teach us. We have our own experiences. We know we've had close calls. We get into trouble again. Still all too often we don't reach out and insist that this is something that we can do. We're amazing, and even if we are, sometimes the mountains conquer us instead. This past week, some mourned the loss of a veteran Swiss mountaineer who was defeated in Nepal. Of course, he liked to hike in record time, but the principle remains the same. Eventually we get in over our head and either die or need rescue. Fortunately, I got down without incident, but that's not to say I didn't receive a rescue effort. I can't with certitude say that God didn't help me. If He decided not to, I wouldn't be surprised. I wasn't that stupid in Alaska. At church yesterday, one of the leaders admitted some deep-seated faults and asked me if I didn't like him. I told him that we all need the Savior. Just because you don't know my faults doesn't mean they don't exist. Doug does dumb things too.