Just a few weeks ago, I learned, for sure, that women do not care about a man's character or morality. I have long marveled to listen to women at church talk about what they look for in a man and what they love about their husband. They NEVER mention that he was a man of great faith, strong testimony, or good moral character. While they may mention other worthy things (I felt safe, he made me laugh, I knew he would be a good provider, etc.) none of the women talk about being an eternal companion. This is simply because young women are not known for their long-term planning strategies and are not looking at "eternal". They don't care about Mr. Right. They are looking for someone who is good enough RIGHT NOW. In order to prepare young men to compete for mates and families and women, we need to change our standing on what we emphasize in their training. It is no longer enough to emphasize being a great man. Many men of great character and morality are overlooked in favour of men of great wealth, great looks and great status, because those are things that matter TODAY, and women are not seemingly willing to or interested in the wait until those bear fruit in eternity. Mate selection occurs NOW, so they need to offer things that women value NOW.
Some women do care, just not up front. You see, you can't see a person's character or morality by looking at them. You have to spend time interacting with them. Even then, all too often, too many of them just put on a play and pretend for a while until they get what they want. So, I can understand why some women don't like "nice guys" or think there aren't any. They have been played by players acting like men of morality. You see, it is true that men all do want the same thing: intimacy with women. Truly good men will wait and do things in the right time, at the right place, in the right way, and for the right reason. So, if you have never met a man who waited to be intimate with you until marriage, you haven't met a great guy. That doesn't mean they don't exist. I have spoken with women who admit that they married one, but that they "got lucky". They chose their husband for some other reason and then got lucky that he was also a great guy. Unfortunately for men, we can't just don a dapper hat and get +2 luck; we have to improve our odds with the talents God gave us.
We need to teach young men that, if you want to be competitive to get a wife, companion and lover, you need to be a good person AND. Some men will abandon principles, but that's not the right path. Women are looking for certain things, things they can see. I'm an educator, so I'm going to borrow my inspiration from President Hinckley and let your teachers give you A's while I give you the B's.
First, you need to BE of good hygiene. While some women will argue for a particular coiffure, it is actually just important that you take care of yourself. Wash your hair, bathe, wear deodorant, and take care of your teeth. Women have rejected me because I don't have all of my original teeth (which I lost as aforementioned), but I have never been told my teeth were not well cared for. My dentist gave me a B+ on my last visit. If you smell bad or don't change your clothes frequently enough or ever or if you don't try to take care of yourself, women will think you cannot take care of them. After all, would you pick a woman who wasn't taking care of herself?
Secondly, you need BE engaged in extracurricular activities that women respect. It's not enough to be on a sport's team. You must also play the right position in the right sport, or just work out a lot. Women seem to be more interested in "gym bros" than real athletes, because the workouts done at a gym are not for achievement; they are for performance. You are there to attract women. I played tennis, which is passe, and I played soccer, but because I was a goalie, I wasn't cool. Women don't care about board games, card games, collections, rocketry, or anything science really, and for crying out loud video games are usually viewed as signs of a loser. This doesn't mean you can't do what you like. You just also need to be engaged in extracurricular activities that women esteem. I collected stamps and did martial arts; built models and shot off model rockets. And I didn't go on a date until Senior Prom. There was a good reason. I was a square. I was a dork, and I only ever met one woman who found me adorkable. She married someone else anyway.
Third, you need to BE fit. Eat right, and exercise. If you don't want to play sports, or even if you do, if you are not fit, they won't even notice you. I exercised in high school, but I was kind of gangly and lank, hardly the physique of a chiseled athlete, and so I was frequently told "You're such a nice guy". I know now that's code for "loser". The males who are most desirable are those with either muscular torsos or rock hard abs. I'm not interested in either of those, but I can tell you that, although women are impressed by my discipline and dedication to running a 5K every morning, none of them are interested enough to date me. Even at my best physical shape, women looked right through me at other men who were MORE fit. They had genetics, and that's all that mattered.
Fourth, you need to BE well dressed. Fashions will change, and trends will be impossible to keep. However, you can always wear NEW clothes. Nice clothes. Clean clothes. It may not be the popular brand, but the point is to not draw negative attention. At a youth conference when I was 14, a young woman from my ward told me "As long as you only wear black, all people will notice is your teeth." She was right. And I was wearing braces at the time, so all people saw was a kid with glasses, braces, and a lanky physique. I looked like Sheldon Cooper. Of course back then that wasn't someone anyone knew, so I was a loser. I wore black, and I still do, because it's practical, but it's not going to get positive attention. You don't have to peacock and dress like Clay Aiken or Elton John. You just have to look like you care. A lot of my clothes were also mended. My parents were not wealthy, so I wore a lot of patched, sewn clothes. I don't mind it now (in fact I find it an effective litmus test for shallow women), but if you want to get positive attention as a young man, you can't dress like that.
When I was a youth, I followed the counsel of the church. I attended seminary, read scriptures, prayed regularly, and served a mission. Although my mission president told me I was the most prepared missionary he had ever seen, I can testify that no woman I have ever pursued romantically gave a flying pinwheel about my testimony, my scripture mastery, or my worthiness as a priesthood holder, and I watched women choose men who were none of those things because they were attractive. None of those things are attractive to teenagers or young adults because those people are not mature enough to recognize that they are valuable. And none of the women in my ward want to date me for those things now either. I teach gospel doctrine for the adults now, and they have all heard me speak from the pulpit (you'll have to ask them for details), and although some of them will refer friends and relatives, none of the women who know about my testimony and character firsthand think of me as a potential date. All too often, women are looking for a man who is "tall" or "ambitious" or who "knows what an Eames chair is". Unfortunately, this is not the thinking of a wife; this is the thinking of a teenage girl. Of course, we are trying to get them married young (God only knows why), so they will have to appeal to what teenage girls think is desirable and preferable. And know what an Eames chair is.
We want our youth to be prepared for success in this world AND happiness in the world to come. We need to emphasize not just spiritual endeavors but also the activities and options that will give them the best chance at finding someone with whom to share their mortal life. Young men need to prepare to be worthy husbands and priesthood holders AND they need to prepare to be attractive to women. The general authorities seem to have wives who value them for their virtue, but even Elder Kearon's wife wasn't attracted to him initially because of his spirituality. She has admitted so, quintessentially. The church is not enough. They need to be able to appeal to women where they are: with the attitude and values that teenagers value, and be great men too.
This article is not endorsed, supported or acknowledged in any way officially (as far as I know) by the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. These are purely my thoughts and opinions on the matter and should not be construed in any way to be policy or doctrine.
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