Online Dating: Worthwhile or Wasteful?

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Today marks the end of a four year experiment trying online dating. I joined four different apps and four other websites. I laughed a lot. I cried a lot. I found a lot of it absolutely crazy. I did not find that it was worth my while except that now I know of my own experience that for men like me, it's a complete waste of time.

One of my coworkers found out just a few weeks ago that I was doing this and shared up her experience before knowing mine. She complained that, even on the LDS sites, men only contacted her in order to have bedroom fun. When she asked me what my experience was like, I told her that on those sites, I had no activity at all. Only two LDS girls even matched with me, one of whom never responded, and the other of whom said she never wanted to have bedroom fun. Ever. In fact, it was the worst experience because, within 10 days, I had been through all the profiles within 500 miles of where I lived and exhausted my options. Since women of my faith (of all ages and marital stati) constitute only 1% of the US population, it has the lowest refresh rate. This means that, although more matches were possible, they would come at an ever diminishing rate. If they came at all that is.

I kept stats and data along the way and put it into spreadsheets, but only one statistic actually bears reporting. How many dates did I go on in the last four years from dating online?

ZERO

The only profiles that would talk to me didn't actually have any intention to meet up. I believe most of them were either women who 1. wanted affirmation 2. women who were bored or 3. con artists, some of whom were probably not women or at least not the women in the pictures. In fact, I know some of the profiles were using pictures they stole from other people, because I could find those pictures on the internet elsewhere despite the fact that the "women" were claiming they were recent pictures.  Several of them tried the romance scam on me, but I have already learned to be wary even with women I know who are attractive if they have ulterior motives.

Years ago my best friend opined that "Most of what you find on the internet is pretty useless, which is probably why it's free" and in my experience dating online is completely useless. The only people seeming to have any success are the players- the top tier of men who have so many options they do not have any inclination to actually pick a woman since they can have their cake and eat it too and still have more women lining up hoping for their shot.  I had the time; I wanted to give it a serious go. I am a scientist, but that's probably what turns women off.

What did I learn? I learned that I am not considered attractive by women. Except for the least attractive women. I forget who coined the 80/20 rule, but it says that 80% of women are chasing the top 20% of men, and given my experience, I am definitely not top shelf in the appeal department. I know women IRL who think I am amazing, but none of those women would date me anyway (particularly since some of them are already married), and so I must rank in attraction somewhere near Sloth from "The Goonies" not because I believe I'm unattractive but because that's how women regard me.  If it were not so, some of them would have at least consented to meet up with me and give me a chance.

I have had women find me attractive, and the three women I can think of were also women I found attractive. Trouble is that those women were forced to get to know me for some other reason and then decided that I was sufficiently attractive for them to give me a shot. Unfortunately, none of them worked out, and one of them didn't actually end up dating me because she hates all members of my religion. The only women who will date me now are obese and/or single mothers, and I'm not sure the single mothers are attracted to me or my wallet.

If you are having success as a man in online dating, it means you are highly attractive. Unless you are highly attractive, you won't get much screen time. I have watched obese women flip through profiles of men far more attractive than I without giving them a single second of consideration. Ironically, highly attractive people don't need the internet to date. Women are already attracted to them. So, if you're just an average guy or worse, like I seem to be, I suggest you get off the internet and spend time with people who appreciate you even if it's not romantic. It will be far more fulfilling, and you might just even have some fun.

Why I'm Still Here

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I don't talk about this much, but something tells me that someone needs to read what I have to say, so I'm going to tell you why I'm still here. I don't mean on the internet or writing this blog. I mean why I'm still alive.

The story begins back in the UK where, at the age of 6, I died for the first time. We were t-boned at a blind intersection somewhere in the countryside. Since we were in an American car, the passenger was killed instead of my mother. The car didn't have rear seatbelts, so I was apparently thrown from the car and died in the street. While emergency personnel responded to the scene, I remember standing on the curb with an old woman, who turned out to be the disembodied soul of my late great grandmother who had died just before we went to the UK. I didn't recognize her or realize for many years what happened. I do remember that she told me that she was there in case I wanted to leave because I didn't have to stay unless I wanted to.

Obviously I chose to stay, and I remember waking up in the street where paramedics resuscitated me wondering how I got from the sidewalk to the street. I know now that I chose to stay so that my mother, who lost a child that same year, would not lose two children. I don't know how it would have affected her.

My kid brother is now lost to my mother. He is married to a woman who doesn't want their family to have any contact with us. Last year at Christmas, they were there, and I flew in back from my vacation in Poland to be with them Christmas Day in time to see her throw a fit and pressure my brother into cutting off all contact with our family.

I don't have a lot of ambition or passion. I lost my muse and the best chance I had at a life of my own back in 2013. Since then I haven't found anyone I like who appreciates me. I don't have much expectation for my life having any real purpose. Next week will be ten years since a woman who was not a single mother was willing to go on a date with me. I am here so that my mother will not have to lose another son.

I'm not suicidal. I am in no hurry to die. I just am tired of plowing and sowing and reaping while other people get to enjoy the fruits for which I labor, even when they don't do a thing. I am not ready for death; I am ready for life. But since I don't have what I like, I keep mine so that my mother's will be better.

Sometimes people ask me why I live where I live. I am here for my parents. I may not be their favorite son. I may not be the best son. I am however the only one who was willing to put down roots somewhere they were willing to live. When my dad had surgery, I did most of the labor on their yard. When my parents leave town I watch their house. I'm here for my parents.

It's mutually beneficial. They watched my dog when I went to Poland. My dad speaks German with me. We go camping and share the outdoors, and I go over for dinner most Sundays. I'm here because my family loves me, and I don't want my mother to lose another son.

If you have spent any amount of time reading my blog or watching my videos, you have noticed I am pensive, dour and critical. The only thing I have that gives me any kind of life satisfaction is my new beagle. They took me off teaching status at work and robbed me of access to students (their loss). The Forest Service is discontinuing the program of which I have been part since 2015. But my mother is still there, and during quarantine when we were not supposed to touch people, she took the risk and would hug me knowing that I had nobody else. Family is the only thing in this world that is truly worth a damn.

I thank God for my family. In my younger and foolish years I opined that things were not as I wish. Then I grew up and realized I was pretty lucky and blessed to have the parents I have, to grow up when I did, and experience what I know. Some things were disadvantages, but I like the advantages enough to trade for them, and I wouldn't have it any other way.

I hope that you have someone in your life that you love and who loves you. I hope it's your mother. I hope your mother is one of them anyway, because I hope you have many people who care about you. What makes this life really meaningful is three fold. The knowledge you gain, the character you develop, and the relationships you nurture. That's what keeps people here and makes those of us who are still here look forward to seeing those who matter in the afterlife. If you are still here, I hope you know that even if I never meet you or talk to you or sit under a pine tree with you or travel Europe with you that I love you. I chose to come back, and I know that's a rare privilege.

Self-Made Purgatories: Infidelity

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When most people see a single mother, they presume that the man abandoned his roles and responsibilities. Often, this results from infidelity. However, it also excuses the woman from any responsibility or involvement in the maintenance of her own relationship. Sometimes people create their own purgatories and set the stage for bad things to happen to them. Such is our story today, a story of infidelity in which the wife denies any role but in which she arguably has one.

I once knew a woman about a decade ago that we’ll call Lisa. Lisa complained a lot about her husband neglecting her and her daughter to chat online, play online games after work, and play poker with his buddies rather than interacting with them or tending to responsibilities around the house. I consider that a legitimate grouse. However, rather than discuss it with him, confront him with the reality of what was happening, Lisa lighted on a different strategy. She decided to ignore him completely in return.

Her logic in making this choice to return quid pro quo was that this would show him how she felt and inspire him to pay more attention to her. It had the exact opposite effect. Dinner was never ready when he came home; he had to prepare it himself. No gifts were given to him for birthday, anniversary or Christmas, but she expected them of him. And she cut him out of the marital bed completely and refused to be intimate with him. While it was possible that he would up the ante and work to repair the relationship, he retreated further from her instead.

At first, I’m sure it was mostly platonic. I imagine he gamed more, complained to his poker pals, and watched more streaming shows online. Eventually however, he found a sympathetic female ear who first was just kind but eventually one that was welcoming enough to offer him what his wife refused, and he decided to act on her invitations, or maybe he brought it up. If you ask Lisa about her story, she’ll just say her husband cheated on her, and she won’t tell you about the decisions she made that paved a perfect path that made it easier for him to make the choice.

While I disagree with Lisa’s husband, I also disagree with Lisa. Ultimately she did not force him to cheat, and he made those choices to ruin his marriage. It did not have to end that way. She could have made other choices. I know this because my own ex wife also cut me not just out of the bedroom but out of her life entirely. She would just leave whenever she liked, spend money whenever she liked, and even invited strange men into the master bedroom, where I was forbidden. A sympathetic female coworker listened to my plight, but I did not indulge in that behavior. Ultimately I found a different solution and dissolved the marriage through divorce.

I confronted Lisa about this one day. She of course refused my spin on her life. Eventually I got tired of her playing the victim all the time and ghosted her essentially. I could not escape the fact that she played a role, and she refused to accept that was even possible. You can’t argue with idiots.

People paint themselves as the protagonist in their autobiography. They are seemingly never to blame. However, I know that Lisa’s decisions helped make it more likely and more possible for her husband to chart a new course. In a sexless marriage, without any concern let alone intimacy, what did you expect him to do? He was a husband without benefits. Rarely however do people seem to ask the woman what led to the infidelity or how she ended up a single mother. They are simply supportive of the woman, molly coddling her even if she was in the wrong, and the man is slandered and libeled. So was I. People just presumed that I was responsible for destroying my marriage, but if you ask my bishop at the time, maybe he’ll remember that I was the one making an effort and that she never welcomed them.

It takes two people to make a marriage work and it takes two people to destroy one. If we only assume that the husband and his other lover are the two who destroyed it, sometimes we’ll be wrong. And people who are innocent will be convicted in the court of public sentiment. That makes us wrong twice.