Are Visitors Really Welcome?

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On the outside of most church buildings in my Faith you can see the phrase "Visitors welcome". On 17 December 2023, I attended church in Gerasdorf bei Wien (Formerly the Vienna V Ward) in which I served as a missionary for 12 weeks back in the beginning of 1999. Granted, I don't remember many of the people from that time, and I was only there briefly, but it was telling that, for the most part, people only came to talk to me because I sing. The service opened with "Es ist ein Rose entsprungen" to which I not only know the tune and words but for which I also sang the Tenor part, and they have zero tenors in that congregation. It was immediately evident to people who had not noticed me, most of which because I arrived ten minutes early and was already seated in the rear of the chapel, that there was someone behind them who is not normally there. I am still not sure if I felt welcomed by the congregation.

Who greets you tells you a lot. Neither of the missionaries assigned to the ward ever talked to me, despite the fact that they were standing in the entry when I walked into the church. I don't know if they decided since I knew my way around and the language better than they that I must be a member already, albeit from a different congregation, but even after learning I was a visitor from the United States, they still didn't speak to me. Maybe it was because they were female. THe first person to greet me was Brother Hegedusch, whom I don't remember, but whose name I remembered. A counselor to the bishop, who was absent, came to greet me; turns out I did know him, but he was 16 when I was there (I was 19 at the time) so we didn't recognize each other (Brother Mayrl). A few other people greeted me and shook my hand, but they did not give their names.

Who talks to you afterwards tells you a lot. No women said anything to me until afterwards. THe choir director tried to rope me into coming to choir practice, but since I was going to be in Berlin on Christmas Eve that made no sense to me. She wanted to hear the Tenor part to the songs they were singing. Most of the women were obsequious with their praise of my voice as well as my pronunciation and vocabulary, which I know to be pretty much a load of bullshit actually. I even told them I have unlearned much, but I think they are just so shocked that after 25 years I know what I know when I clearly don't speak German to native speakers on a regular basis. My accent is atrocious, but I participated, and I was a single male. THe woman beside me was first; her husband had been in the ward, but she was a convert, and she was very interested, having been baptized only shortly after my departure. I mentioned some members I knew by name, several of whom were dead and others of whom were absent, and then one man proclaimed to one name, "That was my father." He invited me to dinner with his family and has since kept in contact with me even though he remembers Elder Dodge (the Zone Leader) and not me (at all).

Who remembers you tells you a lot. During the meeting, a man across the aisle kept looking at me. I remember Brother Schmuck well, but he didn't stay for Sunday School, so I didn't get to talk to him. He is the only person there that I recognized immediately. Some were grown up from the children I had known, and some were individuals I knew by name, but nobody who stayed seemed to remember me. Granted, twelve weeks isn't very long, but apparently I made no inroads with them at all, at least not with those who were there. Maybe if the Husz family had been there or the bishop himself I might have had a better experience, or if I had been there in 2017 instead when others were still alive. Too late now in any case.

I attended church in this congregation because it took as much time from Wien HBF to Gerasdorf on the S1 train as it would to get to any other building using the buses, and because there was a chance I might know someone. It was disappointing to not "come home" as it were to a ward in which I had lived once upon a time. The other places in which I served, excepting Neumarkt am Wallersee, are too inconvenient to be easily reached on vacation for church, and so I didn't go there; most of them were pretty small congregations anyway. Innsbruck had barely 30 members at the time. I felt welcome, I just didn't feel "welcome back" let alone "welcome home". I might as well have attended any congregation in Vienna and had similar experience, since the members in attendance either didn't remember me or didn't want to. I still wonder why Brother Schmuck looked at me because he said nothing. The Dospils, who invited me for dinner, invited me back, which was nice, but I really knew his late father better than he, which is a shame. I guess I put the work first rather than the relationships. I don't know that it was a mistake, but it definitely made me just another visitor, albeit one who rode the train to the end of the line to attend where visitors probably rarely ever attend.

God Gives Only Good Gifts

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Sometimes I complain about blessings disguised as trials. One of the speakers on 17 December 2023 during church in Gerasdorf Austria made a comment about how some gifts come "batteries not included" and it made me think. As a child, I was never disappointed about a gift that didn't come with batteries, because I knew it COULD be fun as soon as I had them, and I knew that my parents would buy me batteries because that's the kind of parents they are. If we truly believe that God loves us, even if he gives gifts that don't seem to be the gifts we like, we know that he will make sure that the gifts will eventually bring us joy. Whether they are ready to use or not, He only gives good gifts.

Sometimes batteries are not included. We often have to put energy into things on our own before they can rise to their full potential. Maybe God gives you a talent or an opportunity, but you don't get the job if you don't apply and you don't learn a piece of music if you don't practice. Sometimes the blessings God gives us require our own effort.

Sometimes assembly is required. Not everything we receive is ready right out of the box. Maybe we need other pieces from other people or other experiences in order to fully assemble it. Not everything can be assembled with an allen wrench; not all of God's blessings can be found in an Ikea. However, like the Good Father he is, God will also help us put things together if we ask, especially if we are working to make it so and putting in the work required to show we value the gift.

Sometimes gifts are not immediately valuable. Jogging shorts make less sense in the winter than flannel pajamas. Savings bonds take time to mature to their face value. Sometimes God's gifts are not something that we can use right in the very minute that we get them. And of course they come when we actually need them.

Sometimes the gifts are not for us. An emergency gift may not be something you ever use. First aid kits may not be exciting, and you may never use them, but it is better to have one and not need one than need one and not have one. You may never have to use it for or on yourself, but you can be a blessing in the lives of other people. In fact, a plurality of God's gifts are given for the edification of others. Tongues, healing, teaching, etc., are all gifts of the spirit that are used to bless OTHER PEOPLE. But you get to be a blessing, to be God's hands in their lives, and other blessings come from that too.

In rare instances, blessings are conditional. You may have to qualify. We know from reading about tithing that God will open the windows of heaven and pour you out blessings, but if you don't pay tithe, don't expect God to shower you with blessings. We know from Shadrach Meshach and Abednego that if you don't eat what God prescribes you can't expect to live a healthy life with a perfect body. Every blessing is predicated on obedience to the law on which it is predicated, which means God's blessings come most often to those who are obedient to God's law. He typically doesn't bless wicked people over those who would have him to be their God.

A gift from God is always something that can bless us and bring us joy. Just because some assembly is required or batteries are not included does not make the gift unworthy. These kinds of gifts are invitations to make them everything that we are willing to make of them. God is willing to make everything of us, and we will get out of his gifts what we are willing to get out of them. We may receive some, or we may receive few, but everyone receives at least one gift and nobody receives all gifts. The gifts are to improve our lives and help us improve the lives of others around us. And sometimes God blesses us so that we can bless others in his name. Whether you wanted flannel pajamas or not, if God gives you them, it's because he knows that in some way at some point it will be for your good. And eventually God will give you the batteries too.

Looking to the Stars

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While traveling in Europe last month, I ended up having to change my accomodation in Vienna and ended up in a mixed dormitory room with five strangers. The second night, we got involved in a discussion, and we ended up talking about the stars. Some of my roommates were critical of particular belief systems that rely on or draw reference to the stars, which prompted some unexpected thoughts from me. It has always been a human thing to look at and to the stars, religiously or not.

As soon as men began to travel, men began to use the stars for guidance. At least in the Northern Hemisphere, constellations, in particular Ursa Minor, were used in order to orient yourself for travel. Ursa Minor contains the North Star, which is used as a major reference point. Even if you didn’t have that or couldn’t use that, you could orient yourself and know your direction and in some cases your location based on what time of year and what constellations appeared respective to your position. From Odysseus to Magellan, explorers in all ages used the stars to find themselves and to find their way.

In cultural practices, including religion, men use the stars for guidance. Visiting any of the Mayan ruins, you can plainly discern among the stele still extant that the Mayans used the stars and the celestial sphere as a guide. From planting crops to calendar events to religious rites, the positions of the stars relative to stones on the plaza told the Mayans where they were and when they ought to act. For many cultures, the stars are representations of their deity. Even Paul the apostle spoke of bodies celestial in his letters.

Today, we still use the stars for guidance. Unfortunately, too many of us turn to movie stars for guidance, but religion and navigation still play a part in the lives of many people. Religious or not, we watch the skies for eclipses, meteor showers, and other celestial events that inspire us and help us mark the passage of time. Of course the stars appear each night and disappear during the day, which helps us mark each day of our lives. Some of us still find inspiration in the heavens and look to the actual stars.

No matter how you look at it, the stars have always shown people their place in the universe. One star in particular, Sol, which you call “the sun” gives us the light and heat necessary to maintain our existence on this planet. Minor shifts in our distance from the star would snuff out life as we know it. The rest of us use the stars as a reference to move ourselves from where we are to where we would like to be. Whether religious or not, we look to the heavens to find our place. Stars help us to find our place still and find our way to where we would like to be.

Men: Their Own Worst Enemy

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We live in a world where men are under attack for existing. It started long ago. By 1985, Madeline Kahn spoke this line in the movie "Clue": "Men should be like tissues- soft, strong and DISPOSABLE" (emphasis added). Men are competing with and fighting each other, and not for any victory. We have become like crabs in a bucket pulling down the whole group to avoid any of the others from escaping the trap. It's no longer acceptable to be a man or you are referred to as "toxic". It's no longer enough to just be a good person, because men are throwing attention and money at women in order to stand out from the wallpaper. Worst of all, men are corrupting each other, competing with each other, and misleading each other to get access to the women they find worthy of pursuing.

For the past 20 years, the world has gradually escalated its war on men. Gen Z is full of emasculated men who eschew manly behavior. In order to placate the complaints of men about "toxic masculinity" and the shaming language concerning the "sins of the patriarchy", many men in the rising generation are avoiding work and dating because they feel like they are not appreciated as anything other than an ATM. Some of them see it as out of reach given inflation both economically as well as ecumenically. Women consider men only if they are 6 feet tall (15% of the male population), earn more than $100K/year (15% of the American population) and also are willing to work all day and then clean and cook and take care of the woman, who often does nothing during the day but shop and post to tiktok. Many men have decided that it's not worth the effort to stand out from the background. It's not worth it to just break even.

Other men complicate the issue by lathering women with undeserved attention and money. Many men, regardless of generation, simp for women. Women are given money so men can watch them talk or react to videos or play video games. Twenty years ago Gary Larson mocked this in The Far Side, but now there are women who show up and are showered with compliments and cash. This inflates the egos of the women who get paid who believe that because they are showered with attention and money that they are high value or valued by men. Simps lead women to believe that they are above average, and now they are not looking for a quiet, simple life. "What makes Christina Christina is instagram". But most of what we see on social media is fake, and so is the perceived value of the women who post to it.

Worst of all, men engage in behaviors that corrupt each other. Pick up artists encourage men to just use women for bedroom fun. Some men discourage others from dating or give them bad advice so that they are not competitive. Right now there is a "black pill" ideology that preaches enmity between men and women. Men are out there corrupting men, encouraging them to engage in behaviors that are regarded as universally repugnant, teaching men to commit the crimes for which women now punish them. Men used to mentor each other, but now they are encouraging men to engage at things in times or to degrees that make them unfit for long term relationships, especially healthy ones. There is nothing healthy about an obsession with your career or the gym, but men are encouraged to "get on their purpose" and that this will somehow lead women to be interested in them or to treat women like they don't care and that this will bring women into their lives who make healthy partners. It's amazing how men are now eating each other for access to the women that remain appealing to men as wives and mothers.

Only the top shelf men will benefit from this. They will continue to get the great share of attention, wealth, and respect, not because they deserve it, but because the rest of men are showing to all the world that none of them are worthy. Whether we defraud each other or shame each other into doing things contrary to our nature, whether we undermine other men by helping their women cheat with us or by pumping up their ego by giving them money and attention for free, men are losing no matter where they turn. In the information age where we are bombarded by information which is shared based on popularity rather than virtue, the most prominent channels and advice actually come from sources that undermine men. Men are making decisions that will make them single. And children will suffer most.

Sidewalk Food Trucks

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On the way to work, I pass at least three separate places where you can buy tamales. In each case, the tamales are being sold out of a cooler in the back of a truck. Some of them are in vacant lots. All of them are on private property. Why can these people sell food without a food card, a business license, and on someone else's private property, but if I want to open a business, I need a license, a food handler permit, and an actual establishment?

Until a few months ago, there were two food places on the sidewalk alongside a church building I drive past on the way to work. One of these was also a tamale truck, sold out of a cooler in a van under the shade of trees in the church parking lot. The other was a fruit and drink stand on the other side of the church, in the shade of the trees on the sidewalk. Apparently, someone from the congregation finally confronted them, but why do these people think they can use other people's property to purvey their wares? I would have to get a building. Sometimes I get hit up to buy tamales in the grocery store parking lot or walmart, again out of the back of a truck and out of a cooler. Doesn't seem like these businesses should be allowed to use that property, or does this set a precedence for ME to start a business (car wash, oil change, food stand, etc.) in the Walmart parking lot and let them pay to clean the pavement, light the lot and secure it?

Some of the mobile food trucks probably have licenses, because they at least have license plates. Many of the people who own them park them on private property when they are not working, but at least those people have established a legitimate business. Who gave them permission to sell anything? I get hit up by people trying to clean my windows, refresh my headlights, sell me (knockoff probably) licensed merchandise from Disney or the NFL, or food constantly. I doubt very much that these people have an actual business license. This also means they are not PAYING TAXES on their business. Even legitimate business owners I know admit to preferring cash jobs so they don't have to report it as a sale or a job. When I do things for people, I always tell them that I'm not a licensed contractor and that, especially since I typically do the work for free, they got what they paid for.

Safety is my primary concern as a scientist. Last December I bought a burrito at a food truck in Barcelona and got food poisoning. Who is vouchsafing the tamales for safety? I don't know how they were cooked, I don't know how long they have been there, and I don't know about the health habits of those purveying the food. There is a reason they require a food handler's card for places like McDonalds. You will be giving food to PAYING CUSTOMERS. So what's your recourse if you get sick? Probably none. What if you catch Trypanosoma gondii? Too bad. Tape worms? Too bad.

I'm not usually a fan of government, but I am also not a fan of anarchy. I recently watched "A Knight's Tale" again and noticed them selling cat meat and hot wine at the joust and thought that was disturbing. There are tons of parasites out there. There are tons of diseases out there. THere are tons of criminals out there. I don't see how we're doing people a favour by turning a blind eye to some because it's "too much trouble" while requiring others to comply. The IRS is requiring some companies to report if you earn $600 in income; I earned $611 on ebay this year, so I'll get to pay taxes. Maybe I should be selling tamales out of my garage instead, because I could probably make more money and have zero consequences. But that's not how I roll.

Social Media and the Spirit of Jezebel

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Years ago in Austria, I met my first Jezebel woman. We volunteered to do service to assist in collecting, sorting and packing clothes for refugees in Tibet. At the time I didn’t even know where Tibet was, but we were happy to be of service, at least until we discovered the truth of the grift. The woman behind the project was bringing the clothing to Tibet, coming down out of the sky in an airplane, distributing the clothing, and then CLAIMING IT WAS FROM HER. She ascribed no credit to the Austrians who donated clothing; she did this to set herself up as a God to the people of Tibet who worshipped her as a god who came down from the heavens and gave them food, clothing, water, and other sundries. Upon discovering this, we refused from that time forth to assist in idol worship. Imagine how much more expansive her work might be today with the help of social media scams!

We know the story of Jezebel from the bible, usually because of the contest between Elijah and the prophets of Baal who ate at Jezebel’s table. At its heart, the story of Jezebel is a story of idol worship. She even managed to manipulate King Ahab into doing her will and joining her. She was manipulative, and that’s what idols almost always create- a circumstance wherein people are manipulated into obedience and malfeasance. Today, we don’t see many people worship Baal, but we do see a lot of idol worship, and it is spread, by the spirit of Jezebel, through the influence of influencers and social media. We have false Gods, and now we carry around their portals in our hands and call them forth by logging in and checking our feed. Whether it’s false fame, false esteem, or false validation, all of these are false gods who can never save us, but will quickly drag us down to hell in the end. Social media is the cathedral of our modern idol worship in which people come together to fashion their own golden calf or to be fashioned a god themselves.

Social media has propped up false fame.

Most social media ranks users based on their interaction with the community. People get likes or subscriptions or comments, and the algorithms use these measurements of appeal to decide what it shows to users. People will do nearly anything for their “15 minutes” and some of them have done so for a lot longer. Whether we’re talking about Logan Paul, who filmed an incredibly inappropriate and irreverent clip in the Japanese forest where people kill themselves or SSSniperwolf who stole another user’s identity AND content and monetized it, these people have become popular because people watch them. It has nothing to do with the quality of the content but with instead its popularity and how much money the algorithm can generate by showing advertisements to users who try to keep up with the trends. The successful content creators change content to keep up with trends and keep making money, and so people have a bloviated sense of importance based on how many people like their posts, pictures, and content and now how many people send them money to make it. It’s now no longer based on the algorithm. You can pay your tithes directly to these false prophets of fame. 

Social media has established a false currency of value and esteem.

In order to get any money on social media, you have to meet certain thresholds. My content, for example, despite the fact that advertisements are shown when you watch my channel, earns me nothing at all because I don’t have subscribers or views sufficient for youtube to share profits with me. Instead, it feeds profits to its own prophets, whose content engages and includes sufficient people who like, comment and subscribe. Some people will delete content that is not monetarily valuable and then create content, not because they believe in it, but because they can make money talking about it. There are many charlatans of content, who make videos on topics, not because they care, but because they know YOU do. RomaArmy for example is a “men’s rights advocate” who donates no money to champion men’s rights but who does include links in her comments and videos to her “spicy content” where people can pay her tithes directly to don skimpy outfits (or so I assume; I have not subscribed). Popular channels are the channels that pay the social media company the highest return, and so people who enrich the false prophets of information receive more time at the bully pulpit and are considered more valuable. The community esteems them and roasts, downvotes, and even reports content creators who claim the counterpoint. Some channels, despite having few followers and subscribers (like mine) get hate mail and censorship despite the fact that we have no reach. Silenced, we earn no money. Some like BetterBachelor leave for other platforms where they can make money; others simply disappear and post no more and remain unknown to new generations of users who do not esteem or value them because they never see their shadowbanned content and because nothing new appears in the feed to challenge the prevailing prophecy the idols espouse.

Social media has enriched many who conclude that because they are popular they must be correct.

Since the algorithm suggests creators and channels based on engagement and not on the veracity of the content, people who publish falsehoods must conclude they are correct. Several of my videos have been taken down by youtube because I am “not a verified subject matter expert on the matter”. Yet, Greta Thunberg, who is a high school dropout from Sweden, is permitted to preach whatever she likes because she is POPULAR. Her videos and posts persist (unless she deletes them herself) despite a lack of demand that she prove her credentials. Even Jordan Peterson, a credentialed psychologist from Canada, is being censored because his views counter the narrative favored by those who prefer validation over information, because Peterson does not preach in conjunction with “the message”. People are paid for content, whether they believe it or not, whether it’s reliable or not, whether it’s true or not, and as they find financial success, they continue to do so and may even begin to believe in the false doctrine they spread from their own pulpits.  The platforms do not value a post's value or worry about verification; they care only how much the post can enrich whatever platform hosts it.  Popularity equals profit.

What is the allure of idols? Idols please people, because people face no consequences from worshipping a false deity. A fake God will not punish the people. He may not reward them, but there is no cost either, particularly if you stop sacrificing or if you glean of the sacrifice of others to slake your own lusts. Idol worship typically includes ideas that are pleasing to the carnal mind, that teach “eat, drink and be merry, for God will save all people”. And idol worship more importantly often comes with financial rewards for the false priests of possibility and promise. Through all time, people have turned to “wizards that peep and mutter” to tell their fortunes and promise them their hopes, and because people like to hear what pleases them, they continue to enrich the sayers of sooth and the salesmen of salaciousness. We all know that people prefer comforting lies to discomfiting truths, and people like to be told there is hope and joy. Truly God promises that too, but not in exchange for specie or numismata. He asks for a broken spirit, a contrite heart, and selfless service to the unfortunate, particularly those who do not yet know Him. A widow’s mite suffices as tribute if your heart is true to a God who is also.

You see, God does not rely on social media to spread His message. He relies on people to minister to each other one on one, in our homes and in our synagogues, one of a family and two of a city, wherever there are those who are willing to take up their cross and help others lift theirs. God’s message is usually unpopular. It is not monetized. Christ chose mostly men of little means to follow Him because the wealthy usually worship their possessions and refuse to be parted from them to draw closer to God. If an organization’s leaders are enriched and made wealthy by the donations of the practitioners, those practitioners, however zealous their belief, are actually worshipping or enabling their leaders to worship idols. Jesus was born in a stable. He does not require opulent surrounds in order to enlighten and uplift the soul. Those who do worship false Gods in the spirit of Jezebel and are trying to manipulate you. Beware when politicians, pundits, and even priests talk in sweeping terms about righteousness and virtue. They often do so, not because they subscribe to those notions, but because they know you do. True followers will sacrifice for Christ and give to others as Christ gave to us, and that is true religion.  To be carnally minded is death, which is what the spirit of Jezebel promises.    Spiritually minded work is life eternal, and that is usually done by those without purse or scrip who only care to get enough money so that they can render to Caesar while they devote their time, talents and everything with which God blessed them to build His kingdom rather than their own.

Why You Should Train Your Dragon (Dictate)

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Back in 2015, I had this student who was completely deaf. As part of the university's accommodations, he came up after the first lecture with his dragon dictate so that I could train it to recognize my voice. I had to read excerpts from a fairy tale so it would recognize consonants and pronunciation. From then on, as I would lecture into a microphone, the dragon dictate would transcribe lectures for him (with a slight delay) so that he would know what went on as well as have written notes with which to study.

At first I was afraid. I was petrified to find out what strange, silly, and perhaps inappropriate things I might say. To the credit of this student, if I ever did, he never reported me for it or complained to anyone. I had never before had anyone come away from lecture with a verbatim transcript of everything I said. I was not sure how to feel about it, and at length I started to regret training his dragon.

Then, redemption arrived. One day, a student contended that I had promised them extra time for an assignment, which I did not recall ever saying. I suddenly realized I had a dragon in the corner and went over and said, "Let's check the transcripts" as I scrolled back using this gentleman's dragon dictate to what I had actually said at the beginning of the hour. I then reread what the dragon dictate recorded me saying, which countermanded the young lady's contention and quieted her contestation of the terms and said, "Don't try to put words in my mouth. I have a court ordered reporter." The dragon's transcript vindicated me and refuted the young lady's claim.

At this time, the student had caught up with what happened in class as the dragon dictate, which continued to transcribe the entire conversation, including the young lady although with some errors since it was not trained to recognize HER voice, and he laughed hysterically. It was entertaining and enlightening.

Why do I mention this? Very few people are important enough or say things important enough that anyone bothers to write them down. I try to be a diligent shepherd of things I hear and report them as verbatim as I am able. Sometimes the person speaks so quickly I can't keep up, so I give the "gist" as it were. For most people, this is a good thing. We don't know everything you say, everything you think or everything you do. In the social media age, however, with every young person (and some elderly ones) recording every asinine thing they do and posting it to instagram or tiktok, people are finding out that what they say or do comes back to haunt them.

It supports the scriptural argument that our words and deeds and even our thoughts will be used against us at the final judgment. Matthew 12:37 reads "For by thy words thou shalt be justified, and by thy words thou shalt be condemned". Elsewhere in Alma 12:14 we can read "For our words will condemn us, yea, all our works will condemn us; we shall not be found spotless; and our thoughts will also condemn us; and in this awful state we shall not dare to look up to our God; and we would fain be glad if we could command the rocks and the mountains to fall upon us to hide us from his presence." What we say, and what we plan to say, can and will be used against us. It already is online. Why would we expect otherwise from an omniscient God?

So, train your dragon. I got a new phone Monday night this week, and it's already learning what I'm likely to type. Train up whatever records what you say and think and do to record the things you want people to know you say and think and do by only saying and thinking and doing things that you are ok having other people record. Samuel Adams didn't write things down, and so most of what we know about him is anecdotal, but you no longer have that luxury in our modern world. What we do (and say) will define us. Either say things worth hearing or write things worth reading. And then when your words are dictated back to you by worldly judges or an Eternal One, they will have no choice but to give you what you deserve.

**This post is not sponsored by Dragon Dictate. It was an actual product used by an actual student in an actual chemistry class, and I like the pun of "training your dragon" based on the movie franchise of similar nomenclature.**

Good Memory; Bad Memory; Random Access Memory

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People who know me and speak with me sometimes tell me that they wish they had my memory. I can recall conversations, movies, scents, languages, musical scores that I then play on instruments, facts, figures, scriptures, studies, articles, etc. They wish they had the ability to recall at whim whatever they needed as I seem able to. What they don’t know is that I don’t just recall the things I wish to recall. My mind remembers everything. There is usually another side to the coin with something we envy in other people, and the dark side of this one is that I can recollect things I wish to forget just as easily and often without wishing it so to be.

I was not ever thus, and I do not remember all of my life. At the age of six, I was involved in a serious vehicular collision in the UK and was resuscitated on the scene. I remember absolutely nothing from before that time, but if you ask my mother, she will tell you that I would ask probing questions evincing a change of mind after I returned from the dead. In her words, talking to me was like talking to a little old man. After that day, my brain soaked up everything. My mother dropped me at the library, and I would scroll through the stacks and the card catalogue looking for information, answers, and knowledge. Unfortunately, unchaperoned as I was, I also encountered things I wish I had not. It took years for the knowledge to matter, because eight year old kids are not involved in adult conversations and activities, but I knew without any practical knowledge things that no eight year old kid should know. And I remember those things too.

For most of my academic endeavors, the memory served me well. I attended class, took notes, did homework, studied for tests, and in some cases I could recall not only the questions on exams but also the other answers and the order in which they were on the page. I could describe a page in a book and where the answer was found on the page in that book. I can recite scripture and context, Shakespeare and Chaucer, play instruments, switch between multiple languages on the metro platform beneath Notre Dame, and tell you where I was and what I was doing on certain randomly chosen days of my life. I remember names of students from 12 years ago, of homeless men I met when I was at university, of the friends I had in high school, and of people I taught as a missionary in the European Alps. When I am in town, I remember exactly where my grandparents are buried because I was at their funerals, and I know which exits and roads to use because I remember landmarks and turns and other features of the cemetaries. I know it’s macabre, but maybe I remember them because they mattered to me. I had to study like everyone else to get here. Things don’t just spring into my head; I have to go read about them. I am not really as smart as people think I am; I just have an exceptionally good memory. And it’s random. I annoy people I’m sure by blurting out things that are relevant but not solicited when my brain randomly accesses something related and is glad of a chance to blurt it out. I mean, I like to stump people by asking if they know Donald Duck’s middle name. Do you know where I saw it? In a rerun of a WWII cartoon where Donald gets drafted and it’s printed on his draft notice. It flicked by on the screen in seconds and is now indelibly scribbled in the folds of my brain.

I also have an exceptionally bad memory. I don’t mean that I forget. I mean that my memory also recalls the bad as well in the same living colour, lurid detail, and vibrant resonance as the good parts. I remember the first time a bee stung me, the second time I died, the last words my grandparents said to me, the promises my ex wife made and broke, the empty rejection form letter that Homeland Security sent me when I applied to work there, and the rejection of women who spurned my affections. If you ask me any dark time, if I had it, whether I wish to or not, I can recollect those things too, often verbatim. And when I am lonely, sad, or bored, as I said in a previous post, those things return unbidden and unwanted.

Professionals are aware of this potential. While I don’t have total recall in a sense of being able to recite word for word, hour for hour, person by person, I can give you the Reader’s digest version of anything and the verbatim rehearsal of things that matter to me. Psychologists like Dr. Andrew Huberman know that intelligent people often have a greater ability to recollect and that this also makes them more miserable, both in life as well as possibly when you must deal with us. Back in 2015 after an incident at work, I had a brain MRI, and the neurologist noted that my brain activity is peculiar. Parts that are active in other people are inactive in my brain; parts that are usually inactive are active in mine. When people ask me how I’m “so smart” and “know so much” I now simply tell them “Brain Damage.” I have after all been dead before, and death damages your brain.

Maybe this is one reason I can’t just simply “let the past go”. I awake almost every morning around 4:45 and lie in bed while my brain catches up with where I am. Every day, my brain replays my life in order to figure out where I am since it circumscribes the past into one great whole. I have trouble telling how far it has been since things happened without doing the math, because everything, for better or worse, feels like I learned it, felt it, experienced it yesterday or maybe the day before that. Every day, my brain reminds me of the past. Sometimes it just glosses over it; it’s not like I relive every titular detail, but I do remind myself of everything that ever happened to me since I was six. It’s quite a strange way to start every day. I explain to people it’s kind of like in “Fifty First Dates” where she awakes every morning and watches a video of her life to catch her up since she lost her memory except that I have all of mine and just don’t know which yesterday was actually… well… yesterday. The past isn’t that long ago for me. It really does seem like only yesterday I fell in love for the first time, bought the house I’ve been in for almost 13 years, moved to Vegas, or had my fuel line rupture and spill all my gas enroute to work (that was actually this past Monday). Since it has now happened, my mind will remember it in perpetuity.

I know people mean well when they tell me to “forget about it” or “let the past die”. I can’t “kill it if I have to”. There is truth in the past. Those things actually happened. Most people tend to remember the past incorrectly or forget it with time, and most people don’t have all the details to explain the past, but I remember it. Last month, the Dean was in my office on a Friday morning and called me some, shall we say, more colourful metaphors. I brought it up with him last week; he doesn’t remember doing it. So, aside from mentioning it, I’m letting it go. Obviously he doesn’t really feel that way or he’d still feel that way about me today. That leads us to the present. In the present there is also truth. The things we are experiencing now are real, or at least they could be. The trouble is that, like Samuel Adams, I “Know no way of judging the future but by the past” and although your future is not their past, since I’ve experienced these things before, I use experience as a lamp unto my feet and a guide unto my path. I heard those dulcet tones before only to be disappointed. Your future is not their past, but it could be, and I’ve learned to be pessimistic about people.

There is a dark cloud to every silver lining. I once told my friend whom I visited this May in France that I wished I had his physique. He told me that the men in his line with that physique also have early onset dementia and that, but the age of 70, he would probably forget who I was. He’s 60 now. You can’t just look at a person and take, as if they were a buffet, only the rosy parts of them to yourself. Yes, I have a great memory, but I also have a great and TERRIBLE memory. And if you lie to me, hurt me, or betray me, I will remember that just as vividly as the last words my grandparents said to me before they died. Maybe it’s a blessing that your memory is not as good as mine, because it’s also not as bad.

The Douglas Effect on Self Esteem

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People criticize me constantly. One of the more common criticisms is how much I allow what other people think of me to affect me. The fact of the matter is that, since we live in a world with other people, their thoughts about you DO affect you. What these people really mean is that they wish I let those opinions and attitudes affect me less than I do. Can I do more to change how much I am affected? Absolutely. The problem is that many of these people, however well-meaning they may be, talk and act as if I have total power to ablate any effect had on me by other people. There are limits to my response, because I still live in the world and encounter its denizens at random (or seemingly so), and you never know who you will meet, what they will say/do, or what you will say/do in retort. I can make an effort to minimize their affects to the tray; I can never ablate their power to add or detract completely. Plus, all too often, the same people with good intentions eventually join the throngs of those finding fault with me. At the end of the day, the world and people in it will affect you to one degree or another. Let me explain why.

Others Affect You

Unless you live alone on your own planet, other people’s decisions, actions, and attitudes affect you. You were raised by parents. You were taught by teachers. Now you have to put up with coworkers. My boss’s opinion of me determines, at least to some degree, whether he authorizes overtime, promotions or vacation when I warrant them. My bishop at church is required to judge me. If I had a spouse, her decisions would affect me: what we eat, how much we spend, where we live, how many pets we have, etc. The driver in front of me who doesn’t chance a gap holds me back from forward progress at a traffic light. If there are only four of an item and I’m fifth in line, I might not get one. People affect you all the time, because you are surrounded by them. Some of them affect you more than others, and most people come into your life for only a small season, but the notion that you should not allow others to affect you is naïve and childish.

Not everyone must or should affect you or at least not as much as they do. One of the biggest criticisms I hear is about how much my ex wife affected me. She burned me pretty badly, and here we are pushing 20 years since she left and people can still sense and hear how much it hurt, and I didn’t even really like her that much. But, for a long time I felt like I had to describe myself as divorced, particularly to the IRS, and the fact of the matter is that I have been married before. This means that I’m no virgin. This means I have had a bad experience that made me gun shy. This means that I got taken to the cleaners by a judge for alimony. However, those things are LONG gone, so the only way they must affect me is in the fact that they really did happen. Since they are no longer happening, I determine how much I let them bother me today. I’m working on it, but it was one of the worst betrayals of my life, and if I don’t get over it when you think I ought to does not mean that even when I am over it I will never think about her again or what happened between us. The problem with the past is that, unlike the future wherein our hopes and dreams are couched, the past has ALREADY HAPPENED, meaning there is more truth in the past than in the future. In the present, Kim only affects me when I let her or when some government paperwork (or even a genealogical record) insists that I indicate that I once had a wife.  

Asymptotes of Effect

In mathematically relevant behaviors, sometimes asymptotes exist that prevent a series from exceeding a certain limit. When it comes to personal opinions and attitudes, I believe two asymptotes exist. First, there is an asymptote that determines the maximum effect the opinions of others can (or maybe ought) exert on your life. Simply put, a single opinion has a maximum ability to affect your life, because other people do not share that person’s experiences with you. Your opinion of yourself can counterbalance how you feel, and the feelings of other people who disagree can help modulate the effect and put a ceiling on its effect. Its magnitude is determined in part by how many people share that opinion of or reaction to you counterweighted by how much you care about those people. People who are emotionally relevant tend to affect your esteem more than abject strangers unless the number of strangers reaches above a certain threshold. The more common and second type of asymptote is the minimal effector. No matter how much I think about myself, I know I’m not perfect or even that great sometimes, and there are always people who think I suck for one reason or another. So, I can push it down to a minimum, but I can never push their influence on me to zero. Even most of my fan club begin at a place where they see no wrong and then realize that I’m human and how much that bothers them. I remember the first time my sister heard me swear. The look on her face was as if she had just learned there is no Santa. My fans are probably just upset that they think better of me than they think I do and that I’m more critical of myself than they feel is warranted. The problem is that you don’t spend most of your day with people who adore you, or at least I don’t. I spend most of my time at work.

There is one codicil to the asymptote effect, and that involves people who are Indian givers when it comes to affirmation. People come into your life, buoy you up, and then either disappear or retract their praise and affirmation. I don’t give much of a first impression, and people will eventually warm up to me and give me praise. However, they also discover as they get to know me that I have opinions, attitudes, and habits with which they disagree. Often, women will come along, sing my praises, discover something and then revert back to their first impression. Growing up, it might not surprise you to discover that not only was I a nerd/dork, but I was also the new kid most of the time, so people either chose not to invest in me at all or withdrew once they discovered I would be moving in a year or two. If someone meets you, lifts you up, and then returns you back where they found you when they find out you are not “Mr. Perfect” it reinforces your original asymptotes. I set up my asymptotes to protect me. Maybe people meant what they said at the time, and maybe they deserved it at the time, but eventually they have shown me by their decisions that the opposite is true. Then I revert back to the original asymptotes and conclude based on how others treat me that I must not be that great.

Optimum Range

You have some power to affect the range of effect between the two asymptotes aforementioned. The more satisfied and comfortable you are with yourself, the lower the upper effect asymptote can rise. The more vulnerable your life is to the decisions of others (high school, in a marriage, in a competitive job) the higher the lower effect asymptote will rise. Between those two then lies the wiggle room wherein I can actually satiate those who complain to me and minimize the impact. I am acutely aware of my own shortcomings, which people in the honeymoon stage of acquaintance do not actually know, and some people never discover. Most of the time, my self esteem level is as low as the gasoline level in an empty tank. I also think it odd when people praise me for doing what I believe is expected, like coming to work promptly each day. Yet, people are commended for the asinine as well as the astronomical. I was taught to embrace compliments but never inhale them, but mostly I brush them aside because they make me feel awkward. I know what I am, and I’m not always comfortable seeing the good in me. You may insist I ought to, and you may be right to do so. Trouble is that self esteem is also self determined.

What some people forget consequently is how much effort this takes. I am most likely to be beset by painful memories of the past when I am sad, lonely, tired or bored. I am tired and bored A LOT. Then, these memories come unbidden, unsanctioned, and unwelcome usually to corrupt my reason and trouble my comfort. Most of the people with whom I spend time and most of my time is not spent with members of my fan club. Mostly I spend time with strangers. Perhaps if I was able to bask in the glow of positive affirmation from my fans more often I might actually begin to believe their moral sentiments more. Contrariwise, I spend most of my day with scientists, who are not prone to effusive praise, students who are prone to effusive entitlement, and to a boss who is always tired because he’s putting out some fire. This is hardly a fertile environment for self esteem to grow. All too often it seems people begin to water my esteem with praise and comfort only to change their tunes or abandon me just before I otherwise might flower and bloom. Some of them trample me. That often resets my ranges and undoes what they tried to accomplish.

I still work, I still have to interact with other people, so I don’t have the luxury of ignoring everyone carte blanch or only harkening to those who sing my praises. The only people who have the luxury of not caring what other people think of them are the exceptionally wealthy, however you define wealth. Those people can afford to isolate themselves from others who could otherwise affect them and surround themselves with the very best of everything, in particular the best attitudes and friends. If you are already at the top, people can’t hold you down, they can only drag you down, but if you ignore them, what power do they have to drag you down? On the same side of that coin, those who are wealthy in things of eternal nature may find themselves possessed of the same power, a quiet confidence that their calling and election before God has been made sure because of their peaceable walk with Him. Besides that, it’s probably not healthy to only surround yourself with sycophants. If they are liars, then you might swallow the tripe and double down on abhorrent behaviors and attitudes. I am not rich in any way. I am pretty average when it comes to material possessions and to the service of the Master. I don’t really do anything special, or at least I don’t think anything I do for Him is anything more than what He deserves in response for that grace which so fully He proffers me.

My self esteem is not based on the intentions of others. It is based on how they show me that they value me. I actually think I’m pretty damn spectacular. I have many facets that are of good report and praiseworthy. Spending your life believing that you are a catch while women constantly reject you is foolish. My self-assessment is irrelevant; I'm only as appealing as others find me.  If it were true that I was such a catch, you’d think that I’d have more or at least better friends, that people would respect me and defer to me. IN experience, the contrapositive is true, and so when I don’t think much of myself, that’s because I have learned how the world values me and started acting accordingly. It’s not that I only see the bad in me. It’s that I know based on how people treat me what they actually think. If you want to come and beautify my life, stop by. Make yourself comfortable. I’ll be glad you stopped by.

Not Everyone Who Worships With You Shares Your Faith

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In our modern world, it has become more evident than ever before that people pretend to be things they are not. Men pretend to be women, politicians pretend to care about their constituents, and now some people even insist not only that they are border collies but demand that we acknowledge them as such. There have always been wolves in sheep’s clothing, but now the wolves just come and demand to be referred to as sheep. This is particularly troublesome in religion, because every denomination is tainted by those who profess the Faith but who do not keep it, who “teach for doctrines the commandments of men having a form of godliness but who deny the power thereof” (JSH 1:19). Not everyone who worships with you shares your faith. Here is why.

Worship halls do not have litmus tests, admission examinations or metal detectors to reaffirm other congregants of your spiritual mettle. In fact, everyone is welcome to come and join, which is as it should be. Perhaps you have visited a congregation of another faith to share the experience as I have whether it be mass at Mont St. Michel or a sweat lodge on the Walker Indian Reservation in Schurz NV. Just because I attend doesn’t mean I share their beliefs or have any intention of supporting them. Some people are not there as I was in France as a tourist. Some of them are ravenous wolves among the flock. If you do not have a good shepherd in your flock, or at least a good sheep dog (or Sheep Doug in my case) to nip at their heels and keep them in line, it is easy to have your flock infiltrated. Villains no longer clothe themselves all in black, twirl their mustaches and cackle with an evil chuckle like Barnaby in “Babes in Toyland”. Today they “Clothe their naked villainy in odd old ends stolen forth from holy writ and seem saints when most they play the devil” (Richard III).

What do we do? We are admonished against throwing them out. “unto such shall ye continue to minister; for ye know not but what they will return and repent, and come unto me with full purpose of heart, and I shall heal them; and ye shall be the means of bringing salvation unto them” (3 NE 18:32). We welcome them still just as Jesus did. He always let the Pharisees and Sadducees be present, and the Romans sometimes came too as we know, because he knew it was possible that anyone might repent at any time. However, you must learn to discern.

Last weekend at the conference we were given some direction by Elder Gary Stevenson that applies to this. We were told to stand in holy places, stand with holy people, testify of holy truths and listen to the holy spirit. All of these help us to discern God’s will, protect us from harm and guide us towards blessings, but some of them are specific to the notion that there are always wolves among us and some of them clothe themselves as sheep. Evil people won’t go to or at least abide in holy places. If you go there often or go there and stay, those people will voluntarily leave. Evil people don’t listen to the spirit or abide holy truths, so they will either argue with you or leave if you follow promptings or testify of gospel truths. Of course, the final advice, which is crucial but difficult, is to stand with holy people. How do you tell and why does it matter?

CS Lewis admonished in Reflections on Psalms against spending time with vile, virulent people. He wrote:

I am inclined to think a Christian would be wise to avoid, where he decently can, any meeting with people who are bullies, lascivious, cruel, dishonest, spiteful and so forth. Not because we are “too good” for them. In a sense because we are not good enough. We are not good enough to cope with all the temptations, nor clever enough to cope with all the problems, which an evening spent in such society produces. The temptation is to condone, to connive at; by our words, looks and laughter, to “consent”…

We have to find out who these people are so that we do not end up joining in with them mocking that which is righteous or judging that which is evil to be of God or at least “not that bad”. Bad situations can wear down good people. You all know someone who justified a little sin and then over time ended up joining in and condoning and then supporting licentiousness. Mr Miyagi advised us somewhat more brevitously that “Best way avoid fight? Not be there.” We need to avoid those places and people so that we can spend less time fighting satan’s servants and more time acting like God’s. Furthermore, and perhaps most importantly, if you often dwell in holy places, read holy writ, and attempt to hearken to the Holy Spirit, it means you are inclined towards Jesus. That’s a good place to be!

How then do we screen for those people who are holy people? We follow Elder Stevenson’s admonition. We place Christ first. We spend time willingly in holy places, talk openly and often of holy things and live so we can commune effectively and frequently with the Holy Spirit. The devil’s disciples won’t do those things, and they will discourage us from doing them. You can tell who your true friends are by what of your private faith practices they don’t oppose and your false friends by the things you do that they protest. When I went to France, I convinced my friend to attend mass at Mont St Michel. If he were averse to Christ or to me, he would have ignored my request, and so will the truly ungodly, no matter how much they portend to be believers. Those who do not truly invite Christ into their lives will not truly feel at home in places of worship. Since their attachment to Christ never goes beyond grammatical levels, the words spoken at worship service will weigh heavily on their ears. They will not appear to be glad for any reason during services until the time arrives to board transportation home.

When it comes to faith and the Faith, people cannot long halt between two opinions. What they do not do in their personal life they will not do in public worship. Those who do not sing praises at home will not sing hymns at church. Those who do not pray in private will not pray in the group and may often arrive late to miss the prayers or refuse to close their eyes during the prayer. Those who do not read God’s word will not attend Sunday School for fear of being forced to hear it there. Those who do not build the kingdom with their sweat or specie will feel ill at ease in edifices built by those who do. Those who do not live the Articles of Faith will resent, mock and ostracize those who do. Those who do not act diligently in their office, who are not shepherds of the Lord’s flock will resent anyone who attempts to be one, even if they are more sheepdog than shepherd. Although the unbeliever may rise in office they will not rise to the challenge, rise to the occasion, nor rise to do the work or put their shoulder to the wheel or volunteer to serve and sacrifice if it requires them to actually work, all the while demanding that you do. They will sit upon their thrones in a thoughtless stupor, basking in the glory, peacocking in their position, and boastful in their calling. Those who do not help advance God’s work progress will receive neither joy nor glory when the sheaves are gathered.

If you have friends you think may not be true believers in Christ, talk with them about the gospel. Pray with them. Read scripture with them. Those who are not open to the redeeming blood of the Savior will not long wish to hear His name nor any of His teachings, and those who are openly opposed to your belief will not welcome such conversation in their midst. If you want to know if a person you like will follow Christ, take him/her to holy places, speak to him/her of holy things, and read with him/her from holy writ. Perhaps, as my ex wife was, she/he is a charlatan, but if they are secretly or openly opposed to the Master, they will not be able to abide that forever if at all. I used to have a friend who would come over to my house and discuss the doctrine in the dark in my living room, and both of my close male friends, despite being Catholic or Quaker respectively, both frequently entertain conversations about faith and my Faith. Both of them have even attended services with me, and now I have reciprocated with both of them.

Our lives are a crucible in which the fires of affliction create reactions that change us from what we are into what we truly desire to become. With enough time and effort, you can discern people who share your principles, values and vision. With enough trial and tribulation, you can discern whether you truly believe the things you espouse. If you wish to be of the world, you can establish conditions that will cause you to react into something the world values. If you wish to be out of the world, there are conditions that will tend in that direction too, but you make the choice of how you react. Ultimately, there is an empirical formula to this turning point. You either come closer to Christ, or you move further from Him. The wolves will always drive you away from the flock. Sometimes, the sheepdogs (or sheep Dougs as it were) may seem to do so as well, but if you follow Elder Stevenson’s advice, it will be easier to tell the chaff from the wheat, the wheat from the tares, the good from the evil. Everything that is good and comes from God encourages you to do good and only good, to draw toward Christ and to draw others towards Him too, and values character over the metrics measured and magnified by men. And when you find those who worship what you worship, invite them to join you.

Visitors are always welcome.

Come join us for worship. For help finding a meetinghouse, go to https://maps.churchofjesuschrist.org/ and enter your location to find a congregation (and time) near you. And if you end up in mine, come say hello. There is always an empty seat beside me. I try to always save room for Jesus.