Baby Whisperer

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In October 2012, my first niece came into this world. I wasn't sure exactly how to feel about that because she wasn't my child, and I'm six years older than my brother who fathered her. Additionally, I thought that his wife cared little for me, and so I made the first visit out of obligation rather than enthusiasm. Until recently, my experience holding small children amounted to a few encounters with friends' children who asked me to hold them only temporarily or so that they could laugh at how awkward I looked. Since then, my sister started referring to me as the Baby Whisperer due to the reaction my niece makes when I hold her.

A week or so ago, my sister in law sent me the picture below from when my niece was about 2 months old. I own a few other photos of me holding their daughter, and for some strange reason my sister in law seems completely at ease trusting her bachelor brother in law with her tiny baby. For other reasons that I don't really understand, my niece seems to really like me too. Shortly after this picture was taken, as I sang her lullabies in German of all languages, she quickly fell asleep in my arms. Last summer when she came with her parents to join us at the lake, she slept likewise when I held her despite the jarring of motion against the waves and the loud sounds and bright sights all around her.

Maybe she's just tired, but maybe there's something more to this than meets the eye. For many years, I looked at tiny babies and wondered what they would tell me if they could talk. Do they really know me better than I know myself? What do they remember from their existence before they were born? What is it about me that they like, especially since their older counterparts don't seem to like me except as "just friends"? Why does this tiny, defenseless female trust a bearded chemist? Is it something she can sense, or is it just because she can tell when I hold her that I mean her no harm? How does she know that? Why does she sleep so easily in my arms?

It's not always the case. Since she's an infant, she gets tired or hungry or messy, and consequently she grows fussy to where only her parents can soothe her. However, in my brother's Christmas video, I appear multiple times, each time holding my niece and each time with my niece totally content. I've always worried and wondered about my capacity to raise a child, and despite assurances from a former student who works with foster care that I put most applicants to shame, I wasn't really ever sure I would be worthy or capable or dependable. Partly this came because of an experience working in the church nursery just after I was married. I noticed that I was ill equipped and ill inclined to work with small children and requested a release from that responsibility. Maybe it's due to the number of children for whom I was asked to be responsible or because they were all children whose parents were strangers to me. Maybe it's because my ex wife was there too doing her best to undermine me clandestinely. Maybe it's just because I felt like if I did something I desired to do the best I could. I felt inadequate, and that feeling persists over a decade later.

My sister calls me the baby whisperer anyway. I don't get special information out of them, and I am not their favorite person, but all of my life, I noticed that babies stare at me in wonder. Perhaps they consider me worthy of wow. My hiking buddy insists based on experiences with me and on the fact that he raised his daughters already that I'll be excellent, but I don't really know. I only know what I am. For now, my niece and her mother like me. I have no real clue why. I am just me. I don't have ulterior motives. Maybe they know that, and maybe that's why my niece fell asleep while I spoke German. It's not a gentle language after all.

I hope that as she grows my niece continues to feel that she can trust me. I know it's hard for young people today because I work with them in class. I don't know how well I would do in the circumstances that surround children today. Hopefully I can keep up this rapport with her so that if she needs help I can be there to help her feel or find safety. I'd like to be the good uncle, even if I'm not the favorite, because I think people benefit from knowing other good people. When I look at this picture, I am overcome with emotion. This is probably one of my favorite pictures. I think I'm starting to understand what my bishop told me when I was divorced. He tried to comfort me by telling me that I would only really start to understand how my Father God feels about me when I held my own son in my arms. At least now I've come close.

Wow Factor

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They say that first impressions are everything, and I don't always make good first impressions. Some of the reasons for this I purposed as litmus tests, but the rest of it really revolves around the fact that I don't really care. I know who I am and what I offer, and if you don't like that, it doesn't mean you reject me. In other words, it isn't necessarily personal, and I reserve the right to be selective about with what and whom I choose to surround myself just as they do. An assistant manager at the local Wal-mart who was recently divorced told me on Valentine's Day this year that he feels someone really has to be pretty spectacular for him to change his new habits and relationship status. I am inclined to agree that the wow factor makes a great deal in making one choice seem better than another. The problem seems to be in what each of us considers worthy of wow.

So much of our popular culture seems to revolve around the wow factor. You look at the contestants on reality shows like Survivor or the Batchelor, and it's not people who are of good character but who are characters who dominate. I cannot recall a single Batchelor/Batchelorette (not that I watch) who was homely or average. The contestants are all dressed to the nines and put on their best behavior during the dating and courtship. Then there's Shark Tank in which the contestants have about 10 minutes it seems to convince people to invest in their business. It's all about the wow. Not to mention American Idol where it's all about opinions of the viewers rather than real talent (as if that's easy to measure) or Olympic ice skating where you can fall but still be flashy and win a gold medal. It's not about verity to principles or talent as much as it revolves around how you impress some subjective judges. We all seem to desire to be wowed.

While hiking in Zion after Valentine's Day, my friend and I were pursued by two attractive young ladies. We passed them on the trail when they stopped for a snack, and they worked very hard to catch up with us. After a few minutes conversation once they did, they fell back and kept a steady distance. Apparently they heard or saw something they didn't like or that wasn't wow enough for them and thought the better of it. They don't really know what they're missing, not because I think I'm all that special but because they didn't bother to learn about us for longer than a minute or so. I have seen so many people around me make quick judgments not because of something great or small they saw but because they were not wowed. Even my paternal grandmother told me about a year ago that she thinks the young ladies in my own Faith look to be entertained more than they look to be well matched. They want to be wowed and don't care if I consider them worthy of wow.

I don't really wow people. When I was interviewed to be a Chemistry Professor, I wowed the Department Chair because I look really good on paper. I showed up for my interview much to her surprise younger and less flamboyant than she expected based on my curriculum vitae. Mostly people have to get to know me in order to be wowed. I have an old coworker who told me how glad she was that work forced her to get to know me, because she would not have done so any other way and felt it would have been a real loss. I drive an ugly car, live in a modest home, earn a modest but comfortable income, and engage in a modest life that revolves around family and the outdoors. It's not really all that exciting, but one young lady who wrote me off because she thought I was a hermit didn't seem bothered by facts. The fact is that what I did didn't wow her; then again what she has become doesn't wow me either. I think her husband, her vocation, her location, and her life are pretty mediocre.

Maybe it's because what wows me isn't what wows others. Since I work with university/college students, I am surrounded constantly by attractive young ladies. Mostly, they are only good as something at which to look. Far too many of them are interested in the vacuous or the lascivious, and even when there's not inner ugliness waiting to emerge, usually there's nothing more to them than their colorful candy shell. Yeah, I prefer to date a woman whom I find attractive, but if she's not good company, good conversation, of good upbringing, interested in good activities, and of good morals, I'm not really interested. One great irony is that the most debauched among them are attracted to me, but I suppose that's just because opposites attract, so what else should I expect to find in my company but a large proportion of suitors at whom I wouldn't glance a second time.

Contrary to popular belief, most people are not really that unique or special. Some redundant personalities are exceptionally relevant or important. However, if you ask people to rank themselves based on their looks, their acumen, or their potential, most people will say they are above average, and statistically we know that on average half of the people are below average. I'm ok with the fact that I am probably closer to average looks than I would like, because I see plenty of people out shopping who make me feel grateful for the body and circumstances I possess! I meet a lot of nice people at school, on the hiking trails, and elsewhere, but they just aren't worthy of wow. They're nice. They're not unique. What they offer doesn't wow me because they don't do anything that the rest of the kitten caboodle doesn't do too.

I'm very popular with women around the age of 50. Perhaps it's because I was raised with the values and circumstances similar to people in that age bracket, but it's rare that I see, as I did today, a woman in her early 20s feel out of place because she isn't interested in following the devil's commandments. My hiking buddy, who is himself 50, told me that I'm more of a peer than anyone else he really knows. He also told me that I am what women should want, and in truth I'm what they say they want, but in the end, they don't pick me even if I am wow. Maybe they don't believe me. Maybe they don't believe their own rhetoric. That's another story.

I know what wow looks like. I saw vistas and sunsets and meteor storms in the last year that made me marvel at the majesty of the universe. I met and loved women who wowed me because they loved God, loved the idea of family, and loved themselves enough to love me. I felt the stillness of an arctic mountain top, the terror of a first time flight experience, and the majesty of holding my first niece in my arms. I heard the bells on Christmas Day, the call of a wolf, and the soft landing of snow in the middle of nowhere. I know how to recognize wow. It's not in trinkets and beads, in makeup and cologne, in vestments or accommodations, in physique or wealth. For me, Simplicity is Worthy of Wow. Watching a child pray, a dog play, a sun set, or an old man laugh might sound simple to you, but they are what elevate my life and adorn what to me is Worthy of Wow. Sure, your mortal coil might strike me as attractive, but if that's where the wow ends, what do you offer that exceeds what others offer? What makes you unique? Why should I consider you special?

We usually pick what really wows us. Whatever else we say, the ways in which we spend our time, spend each dime, and with which we entwine our lives show what we really seek. Ironically enough, many of these reality shows illustrate that what the world wows is of little worth. How many of you can name a Survivor winner, an American Idol who is financially successful, or a Batchelor who found true love? It's a farce because it's not really wow worthy. It's a substitute, a counterfeit, that offers semblance without substance and does not satisfy. Maybe that's why people continue to crave them. We're all really looking for what wows us and hoping to find it in a place that cannot provide it because it's just supposed to hint at what we truly desire.

That's why for me and for this blog I continue to return to my Maker. Oh Lord, My God, when I in awesome wonder consider all the worlds thy hands have made. I see the stars; I hear the rolling thunder. Thy power throughout the universe is displayed. How great thou art. I stand all amazed, in awe, at all the things my Maker does that are Worthy of Wow. That's why my Faith and shared faith with people matters so much to me. I seek people who consider the same things Worthy of Wow that I do. It's why I will probably go see Noah, despite its political bent, because I find it awesome that God did for Noah what He did. I also find it Worthy of Wow that his wife stood by his side. I wish I knew more about her and people like her who defied the norm and went down in history for being special and superior because they were willing to do and be what other people only dream.

By Their Fruits

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I have been rejected all my life for my Faith. My close friend said last night that sadly that is probably something I can expect to get in the way of interpersonal relationships. It's unpopular because it asks people to examine themselves. In today's world, faith and virtue are no longer as attractive as they used to be, because people are acutely aware albeit sometimes clandestinely that they're not the people they ought to be. When they meet someone who really intends to live as he professes, it makes them uncomfortable, and so rather than changing to be better, they accuse me of being a pretender. I know most men who profess this are liars, and I am not perfect. I am unashamed of my past and unafraid for my future, because I really believe in something larger than myself.

When I was a young child, this rejection happened with regularity. Periodically friends would tell me they could not be my friend anymore because I was a member of a particular Faith. Nothing about me changed; the only change was that their parents became aware of my religious affiliation, which apparently was one with which they took exception. I was always a member of that Faith; it just wasn't something they knew. Even when it wasn't known it was never a secret.

Most of my friends growing up were of other Faiths. Naturally, in England my friends were Anglican mostly, but even in Idaho they were of other Christian denominations than my own. Partially this was due to the fact that we associated with other military families, but it also arose from the fact that extracurricular activities brought together people of disparate Faiths. This was common, but eventually at least one person in every place we lived came to me and told me that they could not be my friend anymore, not because of some moral stance, but because of a title others gave me. My good high school friend Jay was the last casualty of this phenomenon in my youth. We used to sit together during driver's ed and talk since we spent maybe 10 minutes per day in a car and the rest watching others drive. The rejection because of my Faith even came from people of my own Faith. In Vegas as a youth, I didn't belong to the congregational secret club known only as "BC". I still don't know what that meant. I was always invited to service projects or official church activities, but I happened upon a fair few BC events where I was excluded by people with whom I allegedly shared beliefs.

When I reached adulthood, I thought this would stop, but instead it grew worse. As a missionary of course, most of the people with whom I spoke rejected me. Elder Young pointed out that they didn't really know me and hence it wasn't personal, but it didn't really make me feel better to go home from my missionary service with nothing to show for it except for worn clothing and memories of people I used to know. One afternoon in Vienna, a man physically assaulted me just because he irrationally hated members of my Faith. He stopped because the gendarmerie came to my assistance. A colleague in graduate school hosted us at her house for a study session for a difficult core course. After about an hour sitting there listening to her and her husband go on and on about how much they hated members of my Faith, I rose to leave. When she asked what was wrong, I told her I was leaving because I was obviously not welcome there, but it took at least another minute for her to realize why. Finally, there is my ex-wife. She converted to my faith at 16, years before I met her and in another state. Her family I think believed it to be a phase she would outgrow, but when she married a stalwart member of my Faith, they knew it might be permanent and moved to undermine it. Since then, I dated another member of my Faith seriously who decided to reject me at least in part because she knew that I really meant it. I really think she wanted to go through the motions and look the part without really meaning it, which is pointless in my opinion.

Recently, these rejections came with more frequency. One of my students last fall came to visit me several times for extra help. After we finished our discussion of the course material, the discussion turned elsewhere, and she ended up telling me every time we met how much she detested members of my Faith. Eventually, I revealed my affiliation, and I never saw her again in my office. Another former student wrote me a kind note in which she expressed confusion as to why my faith and my Faith caused so many problems because it should create admirers. She opined the fact that people write me off easily because it's difficult to find a person with such a connection to God or who is a man of Faith. Without her permission, I quote a portion of her remarks here: "They are fools if they do not realize the loss of such a great man as you." I will be humble, for I know my weakness, but I am no longer convinced that most of the people who claim to be looking for a great guy really are. Or at least, my Faith is what gets in the way.

Any of you who read anything I write here know better. For the better part of the past six months, the veritable majority of posts deal with faith and the Faith. I don't parade my actual affiliation around, because that's between me and my Maker. However, for all of those who persecute me and say mean things about me, they will eventually know that they subjected me to a most unchristian treatment. If I really were in error, what would Christ ask them to do? Would He ask them to spitefully use me and persecute me? Would He have them cast me off? Would He endorse their campaign to slander me and paint me as a miscreant? Would he berate me? He would try to reclaim me, to persuade me to repent and realign myself with His will. The Master Physician goes to those who are spiritually sick. In other words, He certainly wouldn't cut off someone like me. Even if I'm wrong, I'm at least looking for Him.

In some cases, I know I am paying for the sins of other members of my Faith. I don't know who offended these people, but I know that some members of my Faith are Jack Mormons and others are Jacket Mormons. The former know better and don't care; the latter put on a show when it's convenient and then take off the tenants like a jacket when they get home. One woman I tried to date had been sexually mistreated by a member of my Faith. One city in Austria was forbidden because of inappropriate behavior by a missionary years before I arrived. If I had done something unworthy or that needed correction, the righteous thing to do would be to call me to repent. Every Faith suffers under the burden of miscreants and malcontents who claim to be members. Far too many people however do not apparently recognize that they are members of their own Faiths only when it's convenient and reject those who mean their Faiths because it makes them uncomfortable.

We have been taught that by their fruits they shall be known. While I don't preach, teach, expound, exhort, and invite men to come to Christ in class because it's inappropriate during a chemistry lecture, I do reach out and encourage and uplift and inspire outside of class. Former students and coworkers and other associates, some of whom read this blog, can attest that in my free time I discuss the same things that I discuss here. I only wear one hat because I don't portend to be someone else in different company. Some people are perhaps surprised to learn my Faith because I know the Bible better than they do even though they think we don't use it or believe in it. Nothing could be further from the truth (as far as the Faith generally).

"Beware of false prophets, which come to you in sheep’s clothing, but inwardly they are ravening wolves. Ye shall know them by their fruits. Do men gather grapes of thorns, or figs of thistles? Even so every good tree bringeth forth good fruit; but a corrupt tree bringeth forth evil fruit. A good tree cannot bring forth evil fruit, neither can a corrupt tree bring forth good fruit. Every tree that bringeth not forth good fruit is hewn down, and cast into the fire. Wherefore by their fruits ye shall know them" (Matt 7:15-20).

Whether they want to admit it or not, my first religious outreach to most people is not to turn them to my Faith but to turn them to their God and His Christ. I have told people who since rejected me to listen to God because He is the only being without an ulterior motive. How could I be a false prophet if I turn them to God for advice? How could I preach of Christ, prophecy of Christ, rejoice in Christ, and write according to my prophecies if I was anti-Christ? When the Apostles faced this same opposition after Christ's ascension, Gamaliel warned the rest of the Pharisees:

"And now I say unto you, Refrain from these men, and let them alone: for if this counsel or this work be of men, it will come to nought: But if it be of God, ye cannot overthrow it; lest haply ye be found even to fight against God" (Acts 5:38-29).

If I were a corrupt tree, would God still leave me there to deceive you? Would my words still work and still echo? Hardly. If I were a corrupt tree, would I turn people to God and to Christ? Christ himself tells us that those good fruits must come from good trees. God has promised to cut down what runs contrary to Him like the examples Gamiliel gave immediately prior to the citation used. Instead, He has preserved my life several times and prospered me in every way that is not under the control of other men.

Instead of using persuasion, gentleness, meekness, and love unfeigned, those who hate me exercise power and authority unrighteously, reproving me with sharpness for my Faith and then abandoning me to the winds of fate. That isn't what Christ did to Peter; He had compassion on him. He continued to love him. He strove with him. He certainly didn't cut him off and treat him like someone He never knew. We have been commanded not to cut off from the midst of us those who err. "Nevertheless, ye shall not cast him out of your synagogues, or your places of worship, for unto such shall ye continue to minister; for ye know not but what they will return and repent, and come unto me with full purpose of heart, and I shall heal them; and ye shall be the means of bringing salvation unto them" (3 NE 18:42) Does that sound like the practice of a false Faith to you? We minister with the hope that men will turn to Christ, yet "christians" consider me anti-Christ.

I expect as a follower of Christ to be persecuted, yet somehow I'm surprised when it actually happens. I have met some of the most unchristian "Christians" who oppose what I do, not because they disagree with the principle, but because they disagree with the messenger. It's ok to believe and say and think as I do as long as I am any other Faith except the one to which I belong. The bigotry I encounter regularly because of my Faith astounds my friends, because they realize that it's who I am, that I really mean it. CS Lewis warned Screwtape of people like these. If he cannot tempt men to be connoisseurs of churches, then he drives them to party churches where the people draw near to God with their lips while their hearts are far from Him, to ones who teach for doctrines the commandments of men and deny the power of God. The people do not know they are being deceived or sometimes they don't care. Some people I have met are so convinced they are doing God's work that they assume His role and usurp His power (for a time at least) and then pat themselves on the back for their virtue. There is no virtue in using the adversary's method to achieve the Father's plan.

As for me, I do not believe in compelling anyone to do anything good against their will. If it is good, then they should decide to do it. The people with whom I get along well in this world are not people who are virtuous constantly but people who are consistent even when not virtuous. They are honest with me, and that means I know what to expect and what to avoid and how to associate with them. Eventually, some of those people reject me too, and I know why. Christ warned His disciples what to expect: "If ye were of the world, the world would love his own: but because ye are not of the world, but I have chosen you out of the world, therefore the world hateth you" (John 15:19). My late friend once told me "You'd be perfect if not for your religion"; she wanted me to abandon my beliefs for her comfort, and I cannot leave my God who has never abandoned me. God has always had my back, even when He forces me to wait longer than I like for what I know I deserve.

One of the points of this blog was so that there would be zero doubt in the minds of the reader who I am and what I believe. I expect as I move forward to have people slander and libel me. They will "darken counsels by words without knowledge" (Job 38:3). In that day, I will turn them here and let them read for themselves what I say and compare that to how I live. I am not perfect. I am also not ashamed of my beliefs. They make me who I am. If I abandon them, I cease to be me. You may not like me, but at least you will know where I stand and what to expect when the time comes to choose because I really mean it. I have noticed lately that my posts are becoming redundant. It's because I really mean it. I really think it. I really am what I profess to be. By my fruits ye shall know me as God does- as one of His valiant sons.

You Only Know In Media Res

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People plan for things that might come their way. They tell themselves what they'll do if confronted with difficult situations in order to steel themselves against danger. Sometimes they tell other people that they can be counted on in a pinch because they really believe and want to feel like they will live up to their best selves. Ultimately we only learn what we are made of when we are required to prove it.

I don't know what I would do in situations that other people face. People often ask me what I would do in their situation, but I tell them that's a canard because I am not in their situation. I can only tell them what I would like to think I would do if it were true. Ultimately, I cannot say with certainty that if our places were reversed I would do any differently than they actually choose. I only honestly think I might do differently because I am different and because I'm looking at things from a different perspective. In other words, I'm an outsider, and so I see things from an angle to which they may not be privy.

Most people don't really know until the moment comes to choose. They make plans and promises and provisions, only to do different things when the time comes to choose. Almost everyone thinks they would intercede to help someone, but very few people do anything. Most people stand and watch and don't help. The rest become emergency personnel.

I know what I will do because I have been forced to show it. Years ago, I stopped a knife fight in Salt Lake City while my mom went to go get some policemen we had seen a few blocks ago. I was pretty cavalier and confident, being young and relatively fit and accomplished in martial arts. Besides, I was sober, and one of them was bleeding, so I figured I stood a good chance of flight if things turned badly for me. Recently, someone tried to rob me in the parking lot at Wal-mart. He pointed a gun at me and demanded my wallet. I felt very low that night and didn't really care, so I growled very softly that if he didn't kill me he would regret it, and he ran. The police who took my statement asked me not to do that again, but I doubt very much he bothered anyone else that night. While working as a missionary in Austria, on the way home one evening, a man approached us excitedly as we exited the subway. He asked me if I knew I was a "soldier of the devil". Rather than get upset or argue, I ignored him and insisted that my companion follow me and pretend it never happened. I could have made a scene, but that guy wasn't open to truth.

We came to earth in order to prove ourselves. We show every day by what we do what really matters to us. What we are shines through in what we do. We make time for the things and people that matter to us. Sadly, we discover that some things don't have the value we thought, and tragically we show others that they don't have the value to us that they thought they had. Ultimately, the truth reveals itself, and each of us is asked to accept the truth and own it or change it.

We plan and prepare because we know things will come that test our mettle. We act most times according to the plan with accommodation for the winds of favor, of trial, of faith, and of fortitude. If we don't like what we do, that is the time to decide to be better people. If we like who we are, that's fine. My consolation prize in life has been that I sleep well at night. It's a nice thing to know who you really are.

Groundhog Day and Life

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In church last week, one of the speakers made a rather inarticulate reference to some of his favorite movies. As he did so, I started thinking about mine and why I like them. When I was young, although I didn't care much for the day and since it affects the desert very little now, I really liked Groundhog Day which shows the transformation of a man, Bill Murray, from someone everyone detests into someone who is a blessing to people around him. I suppose I found it inspiring as a younger lad to see an ordinary guy transformed into someone better. I found it synonymous with the beliefs of my Faith that people can change and that when people change for the better it can elevate the world entire. The movie depicts a man who transforms from the natural man who gives into his animal desires into one who avails himself of the opportunity to defy instinct and raise others in the process.

Initially, Bill Murray's character does whatever he likes. He makes mistakes, he luxuriates, and he takes advantage of the situation. He attempts whatever it takes to get into bed with a coworker for whom he has feelings or elevate his career or prove that he's smarter or better or snarkier than other people. He indulges in excess of all kinds and lives it up at every opportunity once he realizes that in the morning there will be zero repercussions if he desires and deigns do evil all his days. Eventually this leads, not to happiness as some might expect, but to DESPERATION, and he tries to kill himself several times only to wake up in the morning and find that he must repeat his life. Most of what he does is selfish, and many of the scenarios play out in a way that he hurts other people and himself as he tries to change something, anything really, and move forward.

Ultimately, the character realizes that this presents an opportunity to improve upon his time. If he's going to be stuck anyway, he can do things that make him a better person, things he always wanted to do but never had the time and money to accomplish. By doing this, he finds that it makes a positive impact on others as he daily ventures forth and lives in a way that makes the world a better place. As time passes, he finds more ways to make sure that he's there to do good in the lives of others and finds he enjoys the positive things that come from being a blessing to his neighbors rather than what he might gain by taking advantage of them. Even better, he doesn't care if they admire him because he knows that in the morning nobody will remember and that he can repeat the feats.

The message for me of Groundhog Day is that only when he makes himself better can he move forward. As long as he was selfish and self-centered, things never got better. Sure, he got what he wanted, but it was always fleeting, and always something he had to repeat the next day, with the ultimate consistent result that nothing endured. Far too many people in this world seek happiness in doing things that cannot and do not lead to it. They rouse themselves from bed every day and live a life of debauchery and selfishness and then opine the fact that they awake in the morning like Bill Murray alone and with nothing to show for their lives and that in some cases they must do a walk of shame back home. Many of these people look at people who live moral lives and mock us, saying nobody ever regretted getting too little sleep or having too much sex, that your worth is how you treat people while they do nothing but injustice to themselves in a vain attempt to slake every lust.

Most of us do not get to repeat the same day and attempt to do things differently. The writers did us a favor to show us that the only way to move forward was to actually become a better person. As Bill Murray found new and more ways in which to bless his fellow men, eventually he reached a place where his dreams came true because he really meant the things that he did in hopes to advance them. He actually became a better man. It wasn't just a show, and that one night when he awoke and things changed finally, he had made the changes stick.

While the movie is not perfect and some things lack a semblance of morality, we need to remember that we aren't perfect either. We do the best we can with what we have, but if we're not really doing the best we can and lying to ourselves in the moment that it is so, we only do others including ourselves a disservice. In the movie, people could tell when Murray didn't mean it, and they caught onto him when he had ulterior motives. In our lives, when we are disingenuous, we're essentially committing spiritual and emotional suicide even if we still live, because we are not being true to anyone.

The days of life, like Groundhog Day, are sometimes dreary and often routine. However, they also present to us an opportunity to decide what kind of person we truly desire to be. Far too many people seem to think that "you only live once, so live it up" promises them a better outcome than "you only live once, so live well", but the latter is the message of this movie. Murray's character only really lives when he rises to his potential and avails himself of opportunities to lift the burden of dreary routine and find a reason to rejoice in the winter of his life. He even finds great bounty on that day that can last into the future, and while that's not always the case, the chance that it might be so provides me with the impetus to go on, straight on, in the course that might make the world a better place like it did for Murray.

What We Nourish is Strengthened

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Most people know the story of sour grapes. The wolf, unable to get what he seeks despite his best efforts, concludes that they must have been sour anyway as justification to his soul for failure. I know a few folks at the gym who, after a few weeks of concentrated effort, conclude that it's not worth it because they have yet to see results. I have tried several times to grow trees from seed that never bore fruit, but I keep trying, because I know that what we nourish tends to grow.

Consider if you will two different men with broken arms. The first visits a physician who puts the arm in a cast and checks on the arm regularly. The second concludes that it will heal on its own and ignores it. If the first man's arm recovers and the second man's doesn't, one might conclude that the extra care and nurture of a physician and patient contributed positively to the strengthening and recovery of his arm to near normal function before the action. If the second man's doesn't heal, he might be inclined to conclude that it wasn't worth saving and wasn't going to recover no matter what. This is a problem with faith sometimes, that we expect God to do everything and then ignore our part to avail ourselves of every tool at our disposal.

Our habits, our beliefs, and our relationships can be likened to seeds we plant in the ground. If we just trust everything to fate, they are probably unlikely to survive the elements let alone grow up and bear fruit. Someone just tried to convince me that my problem is expectations. The fallacy that expectations are inversely proportional to serenity assumes that if I expect nothing, I will be perfectly free, perfectly at peace. If I expect nothing, what impetus do I have to act, to do anything? If I expect nothing and do nothing, what can I hope to harvest? If I nourish nothing and then assume it's the fault of the grapes that I didn't get a harvest, does that sound wise? Balanced expectations matter. Realistic expectations allow us to store up hope, which is critical, because without hope, we are in despair, literally "hopeless" and then that's neither serenity nor happiness. It's hopelessness. Like most absolutes, I reject it because it's illogical.

We act in life and nourish things because we have faith that there will be fruit from the harvest. I know this sounds redundant to regular readers, and I apologize. I had two bushes in my yard die inexplicably last summer. I realized the first did not have a water line to it, and in the summer heat it burnt up and died. That was not because there was a problem with the bush. The problem was mine. In the case of the other, I was spraying some weed killer on the grass adjacent to it and got careless. The poison strangled the bush and killed it too. I was the reason in the end both of those died, because I didn't nourish them or nourish them well.

Perhaps I'm less serene because I actually own my mistakes. Last week someone actually blamed me for something that didn't work out in order to ignore their own part. What I did was not a secret. Who I am is not a secret. If you read random posts here, it will tell you oodles about what I believe and how I am likely to act in a given situation. What I don't know and don't control is what other people decide to nourish. If a neighbor comes by daily and dumps poison on my plants, they won't survive no matter what I do. If I leave my yard in the care of another while away for a prolonged period and they neglect to water, the plants my not survive. People nourish things because they believe it will work. As soon as we stop believing it will work, we stop putting in effort, and then we erroneously conclude when it fails that we were right to stop nourishing it. This is also a logical fallacy because sometimes we are the cause of our own failures. If you do not believe you can do a thing, it becomes a self fulfilling prophecy more often than not, to the point that we never attempt or do not give our all when we do. Wrote the Bard, "Our doubts are traitors and make us lose the good we oft might win by failing to attempt" to which I add "or failing to attempt a thing well".

Sometimes, it takes more than one person to nourish something in order for it to succeed. They say that Love is like a rubber band. When one person lets go, the person who holds on is the one who gets hurt. As long as two people genuinely invest to make it work, love usually works and remains. Someone once told me that any two people can make a marriage work if they are committed to God and to each other. However, if one person decides to quit nourishing it, the other person cannot usually sustain it, and it dies. The person who quit might then conclude as do the friends of the person who held on that it was probably bad anyway. The friends do this to console their friend. The other does it to console themself. Well, that ignores the fact that someone quit. I am fairsure my ex wife believes that I'm a bad guy because things didn't work with us even though she consistently and quickly abandoned her obligation to make it work. There is only so much one man can do alone, and in any endeavor that takes more than one, he cannot sustain let alone strengthen what takes more than the effort of which he alone is capable.

Yes, it is possible that the grapes were sour. Yes, it is possible that my relationships were never going to work. Yes it is possible that you might not ever lose 50 pounds, get that perfect job you want, be able to afford the beach house in Malibu, or become an astronaut. You miss 100% of the shots you don't take. Even if the shot isn't a good one, we make them sometimes because we decided the possible benefits outweighed the costs.  Every Olympian who decides not to compete will not get a medal. It's not necessarily because the judges were biased, the track was sabotaged, or because the results are rigged. If you don't nourish it, it cannot be strengthened except by accident. Everything happens for a reason, and sometimes the reason is because you did not act well your part.

Sometimes things we nourish still die, but things we neglect rarely become what they ought even if they survive. The bush I killed with poison was well watered and otherwise healthy.  The water was not the only influence on its ultimate potential.  I am not the only force in the garden of life, and sometimes an enemy comes along and sows trouble in the wheatfield, and every time we deal with another agent, the best we can do is to do the best on our end. If you're on a bobsled team and someone quits, you probably won't win even if they let you compete. You never know the grapes are sour until you honestly give your best effort and taste the final fruit. Most people I know quit because they no longer desire the fruit enough to continue striving. Fortunately for us, God never quits striving with us. He knows that if He stops believing in and assisting us, we are not going to draw closer to Him. We only know the grapes are sour when we actually taste them. Anything less is a guess and does a disservice to things that might have been.

"For of all sad words of tongue or pen, the saddest are these: "It might have been". --John Greenleaf Whittier

Review USF's "Taming of the Shrew"

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I've been attending USF's Shakespeare in the Schools Tour long enough that I've seen every play they take on the road. This particular rendition of the play appealed to me more than the previous one with one exception. I don't remember last time if they commented on the relationships between the couples, and although I found the presentation more pleasing, I found the conclusions drawn by the players and their real life relationships less so.

The players were excellent, but I'm not sure this is common. For their production this year, they decided to go at it as if it were a circus and incorporated tricks you might see from entertainers and street performers into the interactions on stage and the costumes. One of the female characters was played by a man, which is historically accurate and rare in modernity, and so it was nice to see that portrayed as Shakespeare might have intended. This was the first year I saw any member of the troupe who was overweight, which made a perfect contrast to the suitor Bianca actually chooses. All but two of the cast knew each other from the same college program. This might be why they worked well together, but I am not sure it was the strength you might want to think it is. Even with that, they acted it well and gesticulated in a way that engaged and enraptured the audience, and so I enjoyed it immensely.

At the end of the play, the main characters commented on how they felt about the play and what they wanted to convey about the story. The characters believed that Shakespeare meant this as a serious play, that a woman should come to appreciate the sacrifices made by their man and acquiesce to the little demands it entails. First of all, I was shocked to hear them take that vector, because it's kind of old fashioned for the players to believe that and very inconsistent with the modern push for "equality". Secondly, I was appalled because I don't believe in forcing anyone to do anything against their will, even through guile and other trickery, and so I would never have applied this method to convince a wife to be with me. In other words, even if I married a shrew of a woman, I would not tame her. I know because I was married to one.

Killing a person with kindness is a phrase often used but misapplied. In the play, this is done because Petrucio wants to control Katarina. It is not because he loves her. It is because he loves himself. He feigns to do what he does out of concern for her, then manipulates her into seeing things his way all the time or suffer. This isn't kindness, but it certainly did kill the person Katarina was. Unfortunately, I have seen many people do this to people I know and to people I love so that they are no longer the people I knew, having been converted via this emotional and physical abuse into being someone who acquiesces to teh will of another.

I thought I'd be seeing Romeo and Juliet, and so this was a surprise. However, it resonated with me as a similar tragedy and one with which I am intimately familiar. I have recently seen this done to someone for whom I cared by their loved ones, all "for their own good". It was tragic to watch this tragedy because I know all too well how it feels and all to well what was going on with Petrucio. Ironically enough, the man playing Petrucio was also probably the most attractive character in the troupe, once more equating good looks with "a good guy". Most people I know are not really looking for a great guy. They may be looking for one of great looks or great fortune, but they do not pick men of great character unless they also have one of the former.

Restored to the Path

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In our Sunday meeting this past week, a speaker shared what appeared to be on the surface a valid insight. However, as I thought about it, it unjustly ascribed to us the ability to control our own path and fate and eternal disposition. The man spoke of a cycling event in which they made an errant turn, checked a map, "repented" and put THEMSELVES back on the track. It is a very common misconception of Christianity that we put ourselves back on the path when it is and always has been Christ who makes that possible. When we go astray, we do not put ourselves back on the path. What we do that makes a difference is to humble ourselves, ask for help, and then make it stick.

Humbling ourselves is no mean feat. On one of my road trips in 2005, I visited American Flats just southwest of Virginia city. I watched another car drive down from the frontage road to the site itself and decided I preferred to do in kind rather than park up so high and have to scramble back out. When the time came to depart, I found that my car was unable to make a sharp turn in some soft dirt, and eventually concluded that I was stuck. I sucked up my error and walked several miles into town where I could use a phone to call for a tow. When he arrived, he looked down at where I was stuck, registered some words of chastisement, and then hoisted my car up some 20 vertical feet to safety on the frontage road. It was embarrassing, but it was the only way I was ever getting out of that predicament of my own making.

As in that moment, I had to ask for help later, this time from a divine source. On the way back to Reno from Berlin, NV, I took a "shortcut" through the mountains to US50. The map showed a four-way intersection which turned out to have six different roads, and although I picked the correct one, I soon found myself in the mountains on a snowy base of frozen powder. Just as I determined to stop and put on my chains, I slid off the road into the snow and found myself stuck. For a brief period, I tried my own devices, and then I knelt in the snow and asked God for help since I deviated from my original route and had told nobody of my actual destination. Within ten minutes of the prayer, a truck came up behind me. The driver helped me dig out around the car, cut branches from trees for friction, and then pushed me up on the road with his truck. For at least a mile, he stayed behind me while I crawled along to make sure I made it clear of the high country and then disappeared. I am not convinced that the man was not an angel, because to this day I remember not one whit of his countenance.

I had to make that stick. I stopped going places alone and stopped taking paths that I consider dangerous, because I know that the ultimate goal of every journey is to make it back again safely. Sometimes we think that safe returns are something that we do, and certainly there is work that depends on us. We need to go get help and then stay on the path. Ultimately however, like both of these trips, it is someone else, Christ, who puts us back on the road. After all I can do, I am still stuck if I try to save myself.

All we can do is repent. There are eight R's of Repentance: Recognize, Remorse, Recount, Recant, Restitution, Resolve, Rinse, and Repeat. Most people pick and choose the ones of these that they find appealing as if repentance is some kind of buffet where we agree to do the things we prefer. Repentance actually calls on us to cast aside our pride and humble ourselves so that we can be lifted by someone who can. You cannot lift yourself. In order to lift, someone must be above, and by definition we are no greater or lower in elevation than ourselves. To be lifted, we must appeal to a Being who really is above us.

Christ is not just a way, He is the only way. Far too often, we try to save ourselves, to exalt ourselves, even though we talk incessantly about Christ in our meetings. It's as if we think we must first be good enough to approach Christ when we can't get better without Him. It's like thinking we can't go into the banker for a loan until we no longer need one, in which case nobody would go to the bank. The bicycle analogy given was false because it showed how the speaker righted his own life. It forgot that he was given a map and the tools and the inspiration to consider that he might be off course, without which he might never have found the correct route in the first place. Without help from a higher power, he would remain lost forever and ever until he yielded to the enticings of the spirit and realized a change was necessary. People may change our lives, but Christ changes us. We remain stuck until He restores us to the path.

Knights in Dinged Armor

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Many of the young women I meet are waiting for their knight in shining armor to come rescue them. Aside from the fact that they don't realize we aren't looking for a damsel in distress, they ignore what it means that a knight has shining armor. Having lived several years abroad in Europe, I know that most of the armor is not shiny and most of it is not new. Rather than looking for a knight in shining armor, they should be looking for one in dinged armor. I don't mean rusted or armor for which they have not cared, but the dings indicate that it is a knight worthy of a partner. Shining armor has never been tried.

Young women think that shining armor indicates good potential for family life. Ironically, they go after guys with defined abdominal muscles or large pecks or large wallets without recognizing what virtues lead to those. You see, real workouts mean that men get sweaty and sticky and grimy. Most men earn wages by the sweat of their brow too, and some of the wealthiest folks come home at night covered in grime and stinking to high heaven. Yet, the women persist in the notion that presentation indicates substance when sometimes these men achieved the presentation through starvation, genetics or inheritance rather than on merit. When I hike, sometimes people are surprised that I am not exhausted at the end. I weigh in at 198lbs, but most people don't think I'm that heavy because when we finish I'm not exhausted. I still remember taking a skinny young lad to the top of Turtlehead peak one day because he said he could do strenuous hikes. I picked him up at 0600, drove to the park, hiked with him, and drove him back to the other end of town. He slept in my car and was so deep that I had to prod him awake when we got back, and then I still had to drive to my own house in a manual transmission. Abdominals, waist lines, and bank balances do not predict an ability to hike the Grand Canyon, fix a car, pay bills, or respect a woman.

Most members of society venerate the knight in shining armor as a symbol. I think sometimes we think that if the knights all look shiny that everything is well. However, when the armor is shiny, that means he spends his time courting favor and making himself look good rather than working. The soldiers I know who are out doing the work do not have boots polished enough so you can do your makeup in the reflection. They are worn and rugged from constant marching. A decorative and shiny sword is not usually the one used for combat. If a knight has a sword that is perfect and straight or encrusted with jewels, it is decorative only or indicates that he never drew it in defense of right. The shiny armor evinces presentation over principles. The real knights are out their on horse, in combat, exposed to the weather, and their armor will look weathered and beaten and used because they are the knights who live like knights.

Most of all, God knows which knights are His. When we return to His presence, the rest of His angels will see the nicks in the swords and dents in the shields and know that another warrior went forth with faith, served with valor, and returned with honor. There are courtier knights, and then there are the knights on whom the King calls when there is work to be done. Most of God's best servants were dirty and beaten when they returned home. Moses wandered in Sinai for 40 years; Steven was stoned to death; Thomas More was beheaded for being true. The knights who make good husbands are the ones who leave the safety of the citadel and go protect the people. The condition of armor in the case of an active knight evinces commitment and activity. Being a real knight means having to act like one.

I know that dinged armor isn't attractive. I would not probably purchase a used breastplate any more than I would rely on a 300 year old Long Land Brown Bess when hunting. However, for the knight who wears it, he knows that he can rely on it, because it has already protected him. For the woman that knight courts, it proves that she can rely on him because his mettle has rendered it tested. Dinged armor has been weighed and measured and found reliable. That is a man who is worth his mettle.

Ends and Means

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Many people claim the adage that "the ends justify the means". I think most people who do this use it to justify themselves and rationalize wrongdoing more than it is about the ends. It begins with the logical fallacy that the means proposed will and must lead to the ends espoused and ignores the path taken in order to arrive there. It presupposes that meaning well is all that is necessary for the right ends to occur, regardless of the path or the persons actuating it. Finally it assumes that everything is and must be about the right end. You can think of it sort of as a fallacious argument that it doesn't matter what else you put into a cake as long as it turns out and tastes good.

Like most fallacies, this ignores facts. When people use this cliche, they presuppose that just because the means may lead to the ends that they necessarily will and necessarily must. Yet, every one of us knows people who honestly entered marriages who are now divorced; we know people who started businesses that went bankrupt; we are aware of historical civilizations that no longer exist. Like so many far-reaching plans, the justification for means relies on certain assumptions about facts. Rather than making it on actual data, they do so on data given them by others, on incomplete sets of data, and extrapolate their assumptions beyond the linear range on which the presupposition was made. Just because a thing can work does not necessarily mean that they will, and if they do not then the means are not justified at all.

The other problem with this false premise is that most utopian attitudes rely on participation by other people. Each of the people involved in the idea must make the right decisions to the right degree at the right time in order for things to reach the rosy outcomes the masterminds tell us we can expect. Yet, we know people who made us promises they didn't keep, and each of us knows someone who decided when forced by their parents to do something against their will to stage a rebellion. Thus, they are undermined.

Scriptures about with examples of how this fallacy works. When Gideon whittles down the army to only 300 men, nobody expected him to defeat all of Midia. Nobody attacks a force of vast numerical superiority with such a paltry sum of soldiers and wins, but Gideon did. When Daniel is brought into Nebuchadnezzar's court, the king demands that they eat the "king's portion". The king's men worry when Daniel suggests that they eat pulse instead, the prevailing wisdom predicted that Daniel would be sickly when he came through healthy. When the soldiers came for Christ, Peter cut off a man's ear. Christ told him that it was not God's will, which must have sounded very strange to Peter. The ends of these did not justify the means that men might normally suggest, endorse or enforce, because sometimes the wisdom of men is folly.

Secondly, men often presume that unvirtuous means can create virtuous ends. I know students who think that it's not about what we do in our personal lives but how we treat others. Yet, we know that evil men cannot do things that are good. If they give gifts, they do so grudgingly, and it is counted to them both by history and by heaven as if they retained the gift. The evil that men do lives after them whilst the good is interred with their bones. Rotten vegetables do not make delicious salad. You may do justice to others, but if you do not do justice to yourself then you have wronged the person who is most important to your salvation. If your value in life really is about how you treat people and you abuse yourself, how can you be esteemed a good person? If your value depends on treatment of others but you abuse some and selectively act benificently towards people who reciprocate, what do you more than others?

There must be somewhere a poison that will not affect the taste of things. You may put this into the recipe for a cake without affecting the baking process or the quality of the taste when you finish. However, the poison will eventually kill those who eat the cake. What profit is it to a man to have everything he desires if he cannot enjoy it? When we obtain a thing easily we often esteem it lightly, and when we obtain everything we desire, for what then is there a need to struggle and work and live? The man who has already arrived makes no pains to travel. You cannot cook a cake incorrectly and have a good cake. You cannot do wrong and feel right. It is impossible. It's why people persist in perniciousness and narcotics, because they do not feel right.

As in the first example, scripture abounds with more examples of this. David arranged for Bathsheba's husband to die in battle by having the army withdraw and leave him exposed. If David wanted another wife, all he had to do was ask God for it, and if it was right it would have been done. One of the men Jesus healed was lame from his birth to teach people a lesson. Not all men who are punished with disease are punished because of iniquity, but some are there so we can serve and bless and heal them. When Israel first received Manna, they were warned only to collect what they actually needed. Those who hoarded more found that it rotted in the morning. Greed and judgement did not lead to the virtues people sought. However well they may claim they meant, washing in dirty waters does not make one clean.

Finally, we usually assume that the ends are the point. When we assume that men are supposed to be happy and free and prosperous all the time we deny what God told Adam. After being driven from the garden of Eden, Adam was told the earth would be cursed for his sake, that he would earn his living. You see, Adam already had everything in Eden, but that wasn't the point. Our life is a learning experience, a time to prepare to meet God, to prove who's on the Lord's side. Faith matters more than accomplishment. If the ends justified the means and the means were the point, then why was lucifer evicted from heaven? His plan was to force us all to live perfectly and return us to God's presence. It would have achieved the ends God proposed.

Unfortunately for the central planner, sometimes we are supposed to wander in the Sinai. Sometimes it matters more to learn a lesson than to always have the right answers. When we are blinded by unbroken success as Lincoln said, sometimes we are too proud to pray. When we achieve without understanding, it does not help us to repeat the feat.

Other lessons from scripture illustrate this point. The many visits of Moses to Pharaoh initially made life more difficult for Israel rather than free them. God suffered this so that when Israel stood between Pharaoh and the Red Sea they would be able to remember that they had seen miracles before and rely on them again. Jonah was absolutely furious when the people repented, upset that God knew all along that they would and that his mission was pointless. The story of Jonah isn't about that as much as it was about Jonah's reaction and the lessons of care and love God teaches Jonah and us in how he patiently waits for Jonah to follow His instructions.

Wrote the poet, "to each is given a set of tools, the will to build and a book of rules, and each must make ere life is flown a stumbling block or a stepping stone". As in any exercise involving instructions, proper practice yields results. Practice makes permanent, but only perfect practice makes perfect. I have students who think nothing of cheating on the internet, of cheating on partners, and of cheating themselves who then protest when the same behaviors are turned on them. I know of researchers who lied about results or their actual project in order to fleece benefactors and taxpayers of money to advance their own careers. If they accidentally achieved, they would claim the ends justified the means. When it comes to slavery or war or oppression, they claim they are killing us with kindness without realizing that Shakespeare's use of that phrase is selfish too on Petrucio's behalf. He wants the dowry, which he cannot get without breaking his wife.

Remember that your soul is yours and yours alone for keeping. Whatever justification and rationalizations you may imagine, remember that there is a final accounting wherein only truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth will matter. You cannot say that virtue was inconvenient or that happenstance vindicated your actions when that wasn't actually your purpose as much as an accidental result. At that day the means will matter just as much as the ends if not more, because during the means we affect people, around which this life and the next one really revolve.