The Douglas Effect on Self Esteem

Share

People criticize me constantly. One of the more common criticisms is how much I allow what other people think of me to affect me. The fact of the matter is that, since we live in a world with other people, their thoughts about you DO affect you. What these people really mean is that they wish I let those opinions and attitudes affect me less than I do. Can I do more to change how much I am affected? Absolutely. The problem is that many of these people, however well-meaning they may be, talk and act as if I have total power to ablate any effect had on me by other people. There are limits to my response, because I still live in the world and encounter its denizens at random (or seemingly so), and you never know who you will meet, what they will say/do, or what you will say/do in retort. I can make an effort to minimize their affects to the tray; I can never ablate their power to add or detract completely. Plus, all too often, the same people with good intentions eventually join the throngs of those finding fault with me. At the end of the day, the world and people in it will affect you to one degree or another. Let me explain why.

Others Affect You

Unless you live alone on your own planet, other people’s decisions, actions, and attitudes affect you. You were raised by parents. You were taught by teachers. Now you have to put up with coworkers. My boss’s opinion of me determines, at least to some degree, whether he authorizes overtime, promotions or vacation when I warrant them. My bishop at church is required to judge me. If I had a spouse, her decisions would affect me: what we eat, how much we spend, where we live, how many pets we have, etc. The driver in front of me who doesn’t chance a gap holds me back from forward progress at a traffic light. If there are only four of an item and I’m fifth in line, I might not get one. People affect you all the time, because you are surrounded by them. Some of them affect you more than others, and most people come into your life for only a small season, but the notion that you should not allow others to affect you is naïve and childish.

Not everyone must or should affect you or at least not as much as they do. One of the biggest criticisms I hear is about how much my ex wife affected me. She burned me pretty badly, and here we are pushing 20 years since she left and people can still sense and hear how much it hurt, and I didn’t even really like her that much. But, for a long time I felt like I had to describe myself as divorced, particularly to the IRS, and the fact of the matter is that I have been married before. This means that I’m no virgin. This means I have had a bad experience that made me gun shy. This means that I got taken to the cleaners by a judge for alimony. However, those things are LONG gone, so the only way they must affect me is in the fact that they really did happen. Since they are no longer happening, I determine how much I let them bother me today. I’m working on it, but it was one of the worst betrayals of my life, and if I don’t get over it when you think I ought to does not mean that even when I am over it I will never think about her again or what happened between us. The problem with the past is that, unlike the future wherein our hopes and dreams are couched, the past has ALREADY HAPPENED, meaning there is more truth in the past than in the future. In the present, Kim only affects me when I let her or when some government paperwork (or even a genealogical record) insists that I indicate that I once had a wife.  

Asymptotes of Effect

In mathematically relevant behaviors, sometimes asymptotes exist that prevent a series from exceeding a certain limit. When it comes to personal opinions and attitudes, I believe two asymptotes exist. First, there is an asymptote that determines the maximum effect the opinions of others can (or maybe ought) exert on your life. Simply put, a single opinion has a maximum ability to affect your life, because other people do not share that person’s experiences with you. Your opinion of yourself can counterbalance how you feel, and the feelings of other people who disagree can help modulate the effect and put a ceiling on its effect. Its magnitude is determined in part by how many people share that opinion of or reaction to you counterweighted by how much you care about those people. People who are emotionally relevant tend to affect your esteem more than abject strangers unless the number of strangers reaches above a certain threshold. The more common and second type of asymptote is the minimal effector. No matter how much I think about myself, I know I’m not perfect or even that great sometimes, and there are always people who think I suck for one reason or another. So, I can push it down to a minimum, but I can never push their influence on me to zero. Even most of my fan club begin at a place where they see no wrong and then realize that I’m human and how much that bothers them. I remember the first time my sister heard me swear. The look on her face was as if she had just learned there is no Santa. My fans are probably just upset that they think better of me than they think I do and that I’m more critical of myself than they feel is warranted. The problem is that you don’t spend most of your day with people who adore you, or at least I don’t. I spend most of my time at work.

There is one codicil to the asymptote effect, and that involves people who are Indian givers when it comes to affirmation. People come into your life, buoy you up, and then either disappear or retract their praise and affirmation. I don’t give much of a first impression, and people will eventually warm up to me and give me praise. However, they also discover as they get to know me that I have opinions, attitudes, and habits with which they disagree. Often, women will come along, sing my praises, discover something and then revert back to their first impression. Growing up, it might not surprise you to discover that not only was I a nerd/dork, but I was also the new kid most of the time, so people either chose not to invest in me at all or withdrew once they discovered I would be moving in a year or two. If someone meets you, lifts you up, and then returns you back where they found you when they find out you are not “Mr. Perfect” it reinforces your original asymptotes. I set up my asymptotes to protect me. Maybe people meant what they said at the time, and maybe they deserved it at the time, but eventually they have shown me by their decisions that the opposite is true. Then I revert back to the original asymptotes and conclude based on how others treat me that I must not be that great.

Optimum Range

You have some power to affect the range of effect between the two asymptotes aforementioned. The more satisfied and comfortable you are with yourself, the lower the upper effect asymptote can rise. The more vulnerable your life is to the decisions of others (high school, in a marriage, in a competitive job) the higher the lower effect asymptote will rise. Between those two then lies the wiggle room wherein I can actually satiate those who complain to me and minimize the impact. I am acutely aware of my own shortcomings, which people in the honeymoon stage of acquaintance do not actually know, and some people never discover. Most of the time, my self esteem level is as low as the gasoline level in an empty tank. I also think it odd when people praise me for doing what I believe is expected, like coming to work promptly each day. Yet, people are commended for the asinine as well as the astronomical. I was taught to embrace compliments but never inhale them, but mostly I brush them aside because they make me feel awkward. I know what I am, and I’m not always comfortable seeing the good in me. You may insist I ought to, and you may be right to do so. Trouble is that self esteem is also self determined.

What some people forget consequently is how much effort this takes. I am most likely to be beset by painful memories of the past when I am sad, lonely, tired or bored. I am tired and bored A LOT. Then, these memories come unbidden, unsanctioned, and unwelcome usually to corrupt my reason and trouble my comfort. Most of the people with whom I spend time and most of my time is not spent with members of my fan club. Mostly I spend time with strangers. Perhaps if I was able to bask in the glow of positive affirmation from my fans more often I might actually begin to believe their moral sentiments more. Contrariwise, I spend most of my day with scientists, who are not prone to effusive praise, students who are prone to effusive entitlement, and to a boss who is always tired because he’s putting out some fire. This is hardly a fertile environment for self esteem to grow. All too often it seems people begin to water my esteem with praise and comfort only to change their tunes or abandon me just before I otherwise might flower and bloom. Some of them trample me. That often resets my ranges and undoes what they tried to accomplish.

I still work, I still have to interact with other people, so I don’t have the luxury of ignoring everyone carte blanch or only harkening to those who sing my praises. The only people who have the luxury of not caring what other people think of them are the exceptionally wealthy, however you define wealth. Those people can afford to isolate themselves from others who could otherwise affect them and surround themselves with the very best of everything, in particular the best attitudes and friends. If you are already at the top, people can’t hold you down, they can only drag you down, but if you ignore them, what power do they have to drag you down? On the same side of that coin, those who are wealthy in things of eternal nature may find themselves possessed of the same power, a quiet confidence that their calling and election before God has been made sure because of their peaceable walk with Him. Besides that, it’s probably not healthy to only surround yourself with sycophants. If they are liars, then you might swallow the tripe and double down on abhorrent behaviors and attitudes. I am not rich in any way. I am pretty average when it comes to material possessions and to the service of the Master. I don’t really do anything special, or at least I don’t think anything I do for Him is anything more than what He deserves in response for that grace which so fully He proffers me.

My self esteem is not based on the intentions of others. It is based on how they show me that they value me. I actually think I’m pretty damn spectacular. I have many facets that are of good report and praiseworthy. Spending your life believing that you are a catch while women constantly reject you is foolish. My self-assessment is irrelevant; I'm only as appealing as others find me.  If it were true that I was such a catch, you’d think that I’d have more or at least better friends, that people would respect me and defer to me. IN experience, the contrapositive is true, and so when I don’t think much of myself, that’s because I have learned how the world values me and started acting accordingly. It’s not that I only see the bad in me. It’s that I know based on how people treat me what they actually think. If you want to come and beautify my life, stop by. Make yourself comfortable. I’ll be glad you stopped by.

Not Everyone Who Worships With You Shares Your Faith

Share

In our modern world, it has become more evident than ever before that people pretend to be things they are not. Men pretend to be women, politicians pretend to care about their constituents, and now some people even insist not only that they are border collies but demand that we acknowledge them as such. There have always been wolves in sheep’s clothing, but now the wolves just come and demand to be referred to as sheep. This is particularly troublesome in religion, because every denomination is tainted by those who profess the Faith but who do not keep it, who “teach for doctrines the commandments of men having a form of godliness but who deny the power thereof” (JSH 1:19). Not everyone who worships with you shares your faith. Here is why.

Worship halls do not have litmus tests, admission examinations or metal detectors to reaffirm other congregants of your spiritual mettle. In fact, everyone is welcome to come and join, which is as it should be. Perhaps you have visited a congregation of another faith to share the experience as I have whether it be mass at Mont St. Michel or a sweat lodge on the Walker Indian Reservation in Schurz NV. Just because I attend doesn’t mean I share their beliefs or have any intention of supporting them. Some people are not there as I was in France as a tourist. Some of them are ravenous wolves among the flock. If you do not have a good shepherd in your flock, or at least a good sheep dog (or Sheep Doug in my case) to nip at their heels and keep them in line, it is easy to have your flock infiltrated. Villains no longer clothe themselves all in black, twirl their mustaches and cackle with an evil chuckle like Barnaby in “Babes in Toyland”. Today they “Clothe their naked villainy in odd old ends stolen forth from holy writ and seem saints when most they play the devil” (Richard III).

What do we do? We are admonished against throwing them out. “unto such shall ye continue to minister; for ye know not but what they will return and repent, and come unto me with full purpose of heart, and I shall heal them; and ye shall be the means of bringing salvation unto them” (3 NE 18:32). We welcome them still just as Jesus did. He always let the Pharisees and Sadducees be present, and the Romans sometimes came too as we know, because he knew it was possible that anyone might repent at any time. However, you must learn to discern.

Last weekend at the conference we were given some direction by Elder Gary Stevenson that applies to this. We were told to stand in holy places, stand with holy people, testify of holy truths and listen to the holy spirit. All of these help us to discern God’s will, protect us from harm and guide us towards blessings, but some of them are specific to the notion that there are always wolves among us and some of them clothe themselves as sheep. Evil people won’t go to or at least abide in holy places. If you go there often or go there and stay, those people will voluntarily leave. Evil people don’t listen to the spirit or abide holy truths, so they will either argue with you or leave if you follow promptings or testify of gospel truths. Of course, the final advice, which is crucial but difficult, is to stand with holy people. How do you tell and why does it matter?

CS Lewis admonished in Reflections on Psalms against spending time with vile, virulent people. He wrote:

I am inclined to think a Christian would be wise to avoid, where he decently can, any meeting with people who are bullies, lascivious, cruel, dishonest, spiteful and so forth. Not because we are “too good” for them. In a sense because we are not good enough. We are not good enough to cope with all the temptations, nor clever enough to cope with all the problems, which an evening spent in such society produces. The temptation is to condone, to connive at; by our words, looks and laughter, to “consent”…

We have to find out who these people are so that we do not end up joining in with them mocking that which is righteous or judging that which is evil to be of God or at least “not that bad”. Bad situations can wear down good people. You all know someone who justified a little sin and then over time ended up joining in and condoning and then supporting licentiousness. Mr Miyagi advised us somewhat more brevitously that “Best way avoid fight? Not be there.” We need to avoid those places and people so that we can spend less time fighting satan’s servants and more time acting like God’s. Furthermore, and perhaps most importantly, if you often dwell in holy places, read holy writ, and attempt to hearken to the Holy Spirit, it means you are inclined towards Jesus. That’s a good place to be!

How then do we screen for those people who are holy people? We follow Elder Stevenson’s admonition. We place Christ first. We spend time willingly in holy places, talk openly and often of holy things and live so we can commune effectively and frequently with the Holy Spirit. The devil’s disciples won’t do those things, and they will discourage us from doing them. You can tell who your true friends are by what of your private faith practices they don’t oppose and your false friends by the things you do that they protest. When I went to France, I convinced my friend to attend mass at Mont St Michel. If he were averse to Christ or to me, he would have ignored my request, and so will the truly ungodly, no matter how much they portend to be believers. Those who do not truly invite Christ into their lives will not truly feel at home in places of worship. Since their attachment to Christ never goes beyond grammatical levels, the words spoken at worship service will weigh heavily on their ears. They will not appear to be glad for any reason during services until the time arrives to board transportation home.

When it comes to faith and the Faith, people cannot long halt between two opinions. What they do not do in their personal life they will not do in public worship. Those who do not sing praises at home will not sing hymns at church. Those who do not pray in private will not pray in the group and may often arrive late to miss the prayers or refuse to close their eyes during the prayer. Those who do not read God’s word will not attend Sunday School for fear of being forced to hear it there. Those who do not build the kingdom with their sweat or specie will feel ill at ease in edifices built by those who do. Those who do not live the Articles of Faith will resent, mock and ostracize those who do. Those who do not act diligently in their office, who are not shepherds of the Lord’s flock will resent anyone who attempts to be one, even if they are more sheepdog than shepherd. Although the unbeliever may rise in office they will not rise to the challenge, rise to the occasion, nor rise to do the work or put their shoulder to the wheel or volunteer to serve and sacrifice if it requires them to actually work, all the while demanding that you do. They will sit upon their thrones in a thoughtless stupor, basking in the glory, peacocking in their position, and boastful in their calling. Those who do not help advance God’s work progress will receive neither joy nor glory when the sheaves are gathered.

If you have friends you think may not be true believers in Christ, talk with them about the gospel. Pray with them. Read scripture with them. Those who are not open to the redeeming blood of the Savior will not long wish to hear His name nor any of His teachings, and those who are openly opposed to your belief will not welcome such conversation in their midst. If you want to know if a person you like will follow Christ, take him/her to holy places, speak to him/her of holy things, and read with him/her from holy writ. Perhaps, as my ex wife was, she/he is a charlatan, but if they are secretly or openly opposed to the Master, they will not be able to abide that forever if at all. I used to have a friend who would come over to my house and discuss the doctrine in the dark in my living room, and both of my close male friends, despite being Catholic or Quaker respectively, both frequently entertain conversations about faith and my Faith. Both of them have even attended services with me, and now I have reciprocated with both of them.

Our lives are a crucible in which the fires of affliction create reactions that change us from what we are into what we truly desire to become. With enough time and effort, you can discern people who share your principles, values and vision. With enough trial and tribulation, you can discern whether you truly believe the things you espouse. If you wish to be of the world, you can establish conditions that will cause you to react into something the world values. If you wish to be out of the world, there are conditions that will tend in that direction too, but you make the choice of how you react. Ultimately, there is an empirical formula to this turning point. You either come closer to Christ, or you move further from Him. The wolves will always drive you away from the flock. Sometimes, the sheepdogs (or sheep Dougs as it were) may seem to do so as well, but if you follow Elder Stevenson’s advice, it will be easier to tell the chaff from the wheat, the wheat from the tares, the good from the evil. Everything that is good and comes from God encourages you to do good and only good, to draw toward Christ and to draw others towards Him too, and values character over the metrics measured and magnified by men. And when you find those who worship what you worship, invite them to join you.

Visitors are always welcome.

Come join us for worship. For help finding a meetinghouse, go to https://maps.churchofjesuschrist.org/ and enter your location to find a congregation (and time) near you. And if you end up in mine, come say hello. There is always an empty seat beside me. I try to always save room for Jesus.

Morality's Tail Wags the Dog

Share

Just before classes started this term, the Dean told me to remove a sign from my door advertising that "Let's Get Beer Tacos And Quesadilas" because someone from the HDTV+ community might be offended. Our world is bombarded with "a multitude of loud, persistent, appealing voices. Murmuring voices that conjure up perceived injustices, pointing voices of that abhor challenge and work, seductive voices offering sensual enticements, flattering voices that puff us up with pride, commercial voices that tempt us to spend money for that which is of no worth and our labor for that which cannot satisfy" (James E Faust). There are not enough voices or at least not enough voices teaching us correct principles, and so we do not govern ourselves correctly, particularly if we do not know how. With the advent of home internet and smartphones, we no longer take charge of what comes into our homes. With the obsession of social media, we no longer know what truly normal looks like and have skewed versions of what normal or real life resembles. With a change in campaign finance laws that ensure that the best funded candidate wins rather than the one of most upstanding character, there is no way Mr. Smith will ever get to Washington. What is the solution to that? The solution when the tail wags the dog is with the dog to decide who is the dog and who is the tail.

I grew up in the 1990s, and there were some arguably deviant things during that time. I didn't notice some of the things because I was not an adult, but there was a greater effort to shield children from adult themes that you don't see now. For instance, some of the more suggestive shows and offerings were offered at times on television when children could not watch them. Then came TiVo and then Netflix, and now anyone can watch anything anytime if they know the password to the account. When I was in high school, they were still asking parental permission for certain things, and when I was shown "Glory" in high school, which is Rated R, without my parental consent and I complained, the teacher was removed from the classroom. Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom was considered inappropriate for 13 YO children without parental permission, but apparently it's totally ok to talk with 8YO children about sexuality without parental consent or even knowledge.

In a world with plenty to offer in terms of entertainment and choice, it strikes me as particularly odd that we are obsessed so much with outlier attitudes, beliefs and norms. Even more repugnantly, we let a loud, violent minority of persons dictate the drift of moral sentiments. Somehow these groups amassed lots of money or have learned to leverage their particular privilege cards in order to tempt lawyers into profitable litigious arrangements. Stop making stupid people famous. We all used to mock people who played video games but now people earn millions of dollars while streaming gaming and other people WATCH THEM PLAY. So, now people are held ransom to the will of aberrant and abhorrent attitudes on the auspice that resistance results in a diminution of their fiduciary power. If we stand up to silliness, we'll be silenced, fired, or cancelled. I removed the sign for LGBTAQ from my door because I wasn't willing to die on that hill over a funny sign, because that is the ultimate solution for which these morally marginal groups will campaing- the loss of your ultimate livelihood.

Sometime between 2012 and 2016 a switch flipped in America and things that once belonged in the shadows emerged into the limelight. I do not think it is good for the nation, for the world, for civil society, or for people of morality. Society says that promiscuity is wrong; promiscuous people fight to change it. Society accepts that eating meat is fine; vegans fight to change it. Society says that gender is from birth; people who don't like their gender fight to change it. Society accepts legal immigration; illegal aliens fight to change that. Society claims it needs cheap, available access to energy; "climate advocates" fight to endorse less efficient and more expensive energy sources over fossil fuels. The majority of people say they want something; government assists a minority in changing it to the opposite. It's repugnant. We elect people to serve our interests and enact our voice and then a small intellectual elite sides with a small but vocal minority and somehow they get reelected? How?

Our constitution was made for a moral and religious people, James Madison said, and it is wholly inadequate for the government of any other. What we really need in this nation is more morality, except that that's probably not going to happen, at least not without a lot of work, work that I cannot do alone. I teach correct principles in Sunday School, but that's a whopping 90 minutes a month, and the voluminous contradictory opinions of pop culture, worldliness and even their own families countermand most of my feeble efforts. What really needs to change is at home. Parents need to control what comes into our homes. Parents need to teach children about outliers and normality. Parents need to be fighting for and voting for people who espouse and vote for the moral outcome, even if it's not the one that enriches us. We need to act. YOU need to act. I am only one man, and none of my children are probably ever going to make a difference, particularly as long as I continue to remain childless. If you don't like the tail waging the dog, then you need to tell it when to wag. You need to be the dog. And you need to be a good boy (or girl). Who will be a good boy? WIll you?

My Missing Teeth- the Rest of the Story

Share

March 2022, I had oral surgery to remove two teeth #8 and #9, from my upper jaw. Enough time has passed that I forgot about the initial visit until the first week of July when I was going through copies of the xrays I requested from the surgeon. 

Losing two teeth has been rough. I developed a whistle when I speak. I felt self conscious about the way I looked. It cost a lot of money out of pocket ($7000) to replace them with implants. It took about nine months for the infection to heal, and it was painful. However, it also saved my life.

On my last visit to the oral surgeon, when he gave me access to my cadre of xrays and images, he told me the truth about his initial thoughts. I remember looking at the gaping hole in my skull and him commenting on how my particular case was one of the most challenging and extensive cases he ever tackled the first time we met. However, he told me on that last visit that he knew I had about six months from the date of my consultation before the infection in my skull punched through and started eating my brain.

For a long time I opined the situation, the money, the pain, the disruption, and the stream of unfortunate decisions that led me to this place. Then I realized that going in now, and the circumstances that put me into this place, constitute a sign of God's love for me. He sent a blessing disguised as a trial to save my life.

People often opine the notion that bad things happen to good people and say that a loving God could not possibly allow bad things to happen to His children. While the rationale to explain this is voluminous, in this particular case, God allowed something bad to happen to me because otherwise I would not know I was dying until it was too late.  When I took action, He was able to use a skilled surgeon to restore me and make me whole once more.

I have been dead before, but the damage to my brain in those instances was neither infection related nor the concomitant necrosis that would accompany that. This particular circumstance would not be one from which I could recover. Clearly death is not ready for me yet and God still has a work for me to do.

Sometimes things happen in our lives that we don't understand and feel that we don't deserve. I do not know why these things must be, but this experience is another reminder that God would not allow them to happen if they were not somehow for our best eternal good. And sometimes they are for our immediate good too.

I don't know how many more years God gave me with this "blessing disguised as a trial". I am resolved to try to live worthy of the blessing I received.  We know from the scriptures that everything Christ touches is made whole again.  I was made whole by this too in more ways than simply a restitution of my oral cavity.

I challenge you to look at your trials as opportunities for God to bless you. Whether we talk about Job or Abraham, about Daniel or Elijah, the scriptures are replete with examples of the faithful who went through long and deep troughs. It is in troubled times much more than in good times that we are able to become what He intends us to be. I promise you that if you look for His blessings, you will see them, you will realize them, you will thank God for them, and you will invite other blessings, some of which will be blessings without disguise.

Responsibility Without Authority

Share

Middle management and leadership are tricky situations and vague descriptions. Just because you have a position of authority does not mean you have any actual authority. You can ask the Dean where I work or the bishop of my ward, and they will tell you that they get vetoed all the time. Yet, middle management is often blamed for failure of an organization to meet a goal set by the highest echelons. The reason for this is that all too often people are given responsibility to execute a goal and achieve an outcome without the authority to actually see it done or without actually assuming the authority necessary to succeed. Whether at church, at work or in relationships, someone has to be a leader and allowed to act as such.

In 2016, my parents convened our first family reunion. During that reunion, my niece attempted to assert her will over me when my brother and his wife were elsewhere in the house by physically assaulting me. To stop her violence, I grabbed her arms and held her tight so that she could not strike or scratch me. When my sister in law saw this, she immediately went to the defense of her child and chastised me for disciplining her daughter without her express prior written consent. I told her that if she could not make me responsible for her children without giving me authority to countermand their bad decisions and refused to watch the young girl for the rest of the week. My parents agreed that her expectations were illegitimate.

In 2021, I was put into the bishopric of my congregation at church. Earlier this year, I was sitting in a meeting where upper muckety mucks from a higher echelon of church leadership were “teaching” the youth of my ward. When the male presenter decided to openly bully and belittle three of the youth in front of their peers, parents and other youth leaders, I was the only one who protested, despite the fact that the bishop and stake president were also in attendance. After that meeting, the stake president decided to chastise ME for “making a scene”. I told him, “You cannot expect me to prepare these kids to grow up, get married, serve missions and lead the church while simultaneously allowing other leaders to bully them in front of their peers. Either give me authority to defend them or replace me in the bishopric with someone you will sustain.” I expect to be replaced any day now. The man who bullied the youth was never chastised to my knowledge for bullying teenagers in public, but I’m the villain.

When I was married, my wife would put things on my credit card without my express prior written consent. Since they were my credit cards, I was obligated to pay the bills, but I had no authority to tell her not to spend money. We had joint accounts, so she could just go out to the bank and pull money out of the atm had I removed her from the cards. Our relationship became unsustainable because I was held accountable by my wife, her family, the government and even my Faith, to pay for her upkeep and largess, but I had no authority to put a stop to her fiscal irresponsibility. She spent money faster than I could earn it and complained that I needed to earn more.

The problem with this situation is that it’s a form of slavery at worst and indentured servitude at best. One person is required to deliver, and they have zero veto authority to override misbehavior by other parties. In any interpersonal relationship, someone must be the leader. If too many people compete to be the leader, it can be tough to come to a resolution or achieve any goal. And if the person made the leader is merely a figurehead, the organization will either fail or the “leader” in name only will have nothing to do with the outcome achieved. If you are given responsibility without authority you are not actually a leader. You are a servant. Leaders by definition make decisions. Servants, or slaves if you will, must execute the directives of others. So, if you are commanded to make bricks without straw, even if you oversee a group tromping in the mud, you are not a leader. You are still a subject.

Oregon Trail and Romance

Share

Growing up, one of the most popular video games was Oregon Trail. I think in part we enjoyed it so much because “computer class” allowed us to play games rather than do work. It features a strategy, turn-based interface with randomized challenges and planned events to overcome as you move through a simulation of the trek from Independence MO to the Willamette Valley. It dawned on me this past week that the Oregon Trail game is a microcosm for modern romance, and I will explain why.

Party selection

The game offers you three options for crossing the plains. You can be a banker, a carpenter or a farmer. Each of these comes with strengths and weaknesses. Bankers are richer and can start off with better equipment, but the carpenter can repair the wagon for less despite his lower starting wealth. In the game as in life, there are pros and cons to the potential mates a woman can choose, and the option you pick may predict your ultimate prospects for success. In the game as in life, the banker had the greatest likelihood of success because of his wealth, because you could buy more goods, pay for portage, bribe the natives, and treat your own diseases or wounds. However, you got more points at the end if you could get to Oregon as a farmer, since the whole point of the valley was to farm it.

Obstacles

The route to Oregon is beset with difficulties, natural and random. Depending on when you go, you face weather conditions. The game builds random challenges into your game like damage to your wagon, sickness in your party, injuries to your family, and roadblocks to your progress. Sometimes you can spend time or money to overcome them. Depending on whom you chose to be, you have different prospects for success over these challenges. It is possible to lose members of your party along the way to disease or war parties or injury. I died many times trying to cross the plains as a farmer. The final stretch puts you on the river where you have to navigate the rapids, and it is possible to get this far and have everything go right up to that point and then lose by crashing along the river. The most difficult challenge comes right before the end.

Prospects for success

Upon arriving in Oregon, each of the players faces different prospects for success. New settlements need bankers less than the other professions, and you don’t get extra points from the game for not spending money. Carpenters bring skills and farmers bring the ability to survive and thrive, but they are less appealing vocations in the modern world. However useful those other options may be, many players pick the banker, because there is a stigma against being a lowly farmer. You get more points if you can make it there as a farmer, because it’s harder to cross but more valuable in Oregon if you come as a farmer.

Unfortunately the world scores our trek to Oregon differently. Very few women like blue collar workers or farmers as their mates. Since we don’t live in a world where people are scraping by like they would be in the old west, very few women find men valuable unless they are rich like the banker.

Over the past several years, many of the elderly members of my congregation and neighborhood tried to set me up, unsuccessfully, with daughters, granddaughters and friends. Most of these women were attractive. None of them were interested in me. I’m essentially a glorified teacher as a chemistry professor. These women know that I would be a good son in law or grandson in law. They know where I am headed. I’m headed to Oregon, a place of potential prosperity and peace, and they know it’s a good place where they would like their female descendants to be. The younger women however see the journey and have no interest in crossing the prairie with me. They don’t want to face the risk of smallpox, dysentery, injury, Indian attack, floods, storms, bear attack, or wreckage on a river crossing. They don’t want to help me get to Oregon. They don’t want to have to do the work. They want to fly to Oregon and then pick from the winners who manage to arrive, especially those who “make bank”. They are not interested in struggling with me but wish to benefit from my successes after the struggle.

I understand the appeal of the banker. It’s nice to be where I am where I can buy just about anything I want, spend two weeks in Europe each year, and put gas in my tank whenever I like. However, aside from money the banker offers little of value, which is reflected in the scoring of the game. Everyone knows that it’s appealing, and too many women would rather arrive without having to do work than struggle and grow together with a mate. The women who try to introduce me to their female friends and family recognize the utility and logic and strengths I offer as a Carpenter/Farmer, and they know that “very successful” is appropriately vague. Unfortunately the young women are not looking for a relationship. They seem to be looking for a reward.

We are all on our way to Oregon. We are trying to get to a place that offers possibility, prosperity and peace. No matter how you define that and what route you take, you will have to cross a wilderness and face trials and opposition. When you face them, you can either break down or break through. Women dispose of perfectly acceptable men all the time, because they care more about validation than about having their needs met along life’s path. Women want a man built by trials who is successful without having to put anything into it. IF we lived back in the day of wagon trains, they would have no ability to pursue that option. The only way to get to Oregon back then was to walk there yourself. There were no planes or trains or automobiles. Although we have those things today, the truly successful man is one who can get there without those advantages.

If you meet a man who is making the trek to Oregon, take a risk on him. Flying to Oregon and picking a winner is not the way to build a rich life. You might have riches, but they don’t necessarily enrich you. Even if you don’t make it to Oregon, you might find something along the way. Adventure. To live is a great adventure and an enriching one.

"Studies Prove" is Propaganda

Share

Ever since that thing in 2020 we're not allowed to mention by name on the internet, we have been bombarded with claims by "science" and scientists. Now that it's over you will still hear them, but they will be about different topics. Today's rant is inspired by a woman I saw on Youtube claiming that "studies prove that unmarried women are happier". I can't find a study that deals with that. I found an article from the UK that references a website called Mintel ( a market research firm) and a book from a guy named Paul Dolan that has been fact checked into oblivion, but I couldn't find a single scientific study. There aren't any. This is not scientific, at least not in the classic sense. You can't study this with physics or chemistry or biology. This is a matter of "social science" which is not "science" as most people understand it. To be scientific it must pass certain criteria, as I teach my students every semester.

Science must be measurable. I'm not talking about talking to people and collating responses in a market survey. I mean you must collect data with instruments in metric values that can provide mathematical value for trendlines and ANOVA. How many liters are there in a unit of happiness? How many grams of mass does happiness have? Happiness is not an item that science can measure. It's SUBJECTIVE. Anyone who claims otherwise is selling something. There are no machines or metric units that can measure happiness. Science cannot measure preference, belief, sophistry, or opinions. It doesn't measure religion. There is a good reason some things are not validated by the FDA. There is no way to do so.

Science is repeatable. Theoretically, if something is causal, it is always causal. This means that every woman would have to be happier if she never married. This means that marriage must lower the happiness value of every woman who married and do so every time she married by the same amount. Since you can't actually test on the same woman multiple times without having residual effects from previous experience, there will be artifacts that skew the future data. We also don't usually experiment on PEOPLE in science. It must be testable by everyone, repeatable by everyone, and applicable to everyone, or at least with a 95% confidence level.

Science must be falsifiable. This does not mean that we make up fake data. This means that you must leave room for the possibility that you might find results that counteract your presuppositions. In fact a well designed scientific experiment doesn't prove anything. You write a hypothesis and a null hypothesis. The hypothesis would be that "unmarried women are happier" the null hypothesis would be "marriage has no effect on happiness". Assuming you could test this, you would design an experiment to disprove the null hypothesis, collect data, and see if marital state affects happiness. With sufficient data you could then reject the notion that marriage has no effect, but that does not prove your hypothesis. It merely means you can reject the null hypothesis. You repeat until you test every other null hypothesis and then can claim, if and only if you reject every possible null hypothesis, that by default your hypothesis cannot be disproven.

I tell my students every semester the same thing. "Science never proves anything. It removes all other possibilities until only the truth remains". That is a direct quote from me to them. So any time anyone claims that science has proven something, I know they are paid liars. They can't possibly have tested everything on everyone and found that is is always true for every specimen. They can't possibly have tested every null hypothesis. In the end, I will accept when someone says, "evidence suggests" because that is more carefully couched in measurements and data, and it doesn't claim that there is no room that they might be wrong. You don't test your hypothesis. But most scientists are sponsored by someone and have an incentive to prove their sponsor's investment was wisely spent. As Arthur Conan Doyle warned in A Study in Scarlet "It is useless to theorize before you have facts otherwise you start bending facts to fit theories" which is exactly what most "scientists" do. Everyone wants to be relevant, but most "science" is anything but. Most of it is marketing.

This post has been brought to you entirely for free. I don't make money from ads. I don't sell merchandise. I have never earned even a single penny from this blog.

Adversary's Methods

Share

Last Sunday after worship service ended, I went around, as it was my month to conduct, and I thanked those who helped make our meeting possible and successful. The chorister, a kindly older woman of 82 years, praised my work and said, "Now we just need to find you a wife so you can be our next bishop". I know she means well, but people have been threatening me essentially with the prospect of making me the next bishop when our current one's term of office concludes, and the only thing keeping me from that threat coming true is that I remain single. I have noticed since quarantine that all of the people who seem to think I need a wife all seem to imply that I need one, not to be of benefit to me, but so that I can be of benefit to them. They don't see it as a way to enhance my life but as a way to rectify some flaw that keeps me from enhancing the lives of other people. I can enhance your life without a wife, thank you very much, despite what the cliches claim. Yes, there is a woman behind this successful man. She is my mother.

It's a threat because it places a burden on me. Becoming a bishop is a grotesque amount of work and responsibility. Sometimes I complain about the workload I have, but I know there are things that the bishop has to do that I can pass off on him because the handbook requires it. I have to burn two days of personal time off to attend boys camp this summer, but the bishop had to go along to girls' camp and spend personal vacation for that too. He has to meet with people and handle issues and keep them secret. Ultimately, he is responsible for everything that happens in the congregation. Sure, he can delegate, but if it doesn't happen, ultimately he's responsible. And he must do all this, keep working at his job, raise his kids, keep his household and tend his wife. There is a very good reason that Timothy explains the following requirements for being a bishop:

A bishop then must be blameless, the husband of one wife, vigilant, sober, of good behaviour, given to hospitality, apt to teach; Not given to wine, no striker, not greedy of filthy lucre; but patient, not a brawler, not covetous; One that ruleth well his own house, having his children in subjection with all gravity; (For if a man know not how to rule his own house, how shall he take care of the church of God?)

You need to be faithful, loyal, tending, hospitable, intelligent, restrained, temperate, and successful so that you are not tempted to abuse the church or its members and so that you can act in Christ's place with the best approximation of what He would do that you are capable. It might be a good work as Timothy suggests, but to do it with honor is hard work.

It's a threat because it places a surprise burden on my new wife. Assuming I met someone today, I could theoretically be married next summer. The current bishop's term comes up in 2026. This means that my new wife could end up being the bishop's wife after having been married to me for only two years. What if we have children? She could have a toddler. Not to mention, there are myriad new stresses that arise in the beginning of a marriage that could create strife and discord, and how many wives are honestly ok if their husband is required to keep secrets and spend long hours in a locked office that is not his paid job? This is what a bishop has to do. He must meet with people and keep confidences. He must do extra work after hours without additional pay, meaning he's not around to help out with the kids or the house or the chores. What are the odds that a brand new wife will deal with this additional burden of responsibility with patience, grace and trust? How is that fair to her?

It's a threat because it's not about me. It's about what I can do for other people, many of whom don't like or respect me. People don't want me to become a bishop because they love me. They love what I might do as bishop for them. I don't aspire to rank or status or title. I have turned down highly compensated jobs and titular heads. I am quite happy being a teacher. In "A Man For All Seasons" Thomas More tells Richard Rich to aspire to teach, and I took it to heart. I don't want the extra meetings, and I don't like the things I have learned about church leadership and church members. I like being able to focus on talking about Christ rather than talking about problems. I like being able to read scriptures for a lesson rather than reading the handbook to attend a meeting. None of these people want me to get a wife so that I will be better or so that my life will be better. They want me to get married so that I can become a bishop. In fact, there is no better leverage to dissuade me from marriage than the continued barrage of insistence that I marry so that I can become a bishop, because as long as I remain single, I remain ineligible, which is how I like it. In fact, I'm disinclined to even date, because I might like someone enough to put me into that position, and I don't want it.

I know people may mean well. I think they mean it as praise. However, I don't see it as praise for me or of benefit to me personally. I'm not really all that patient, and I don't like to entertain. Without a wife, I think I'd make a horrible bishop, and I might not make even an average one unless I married someone spectacular, but I don't want to burden some woman with that outcome because she happens to marry the wrong man and ends up the bishop's wife. In the end backhanded compliments or threats of any sort undermine an organization. Thomas More took the Chancellor's spot in England because Henry VIII threatened his life. Ultimatums are rarely, if ever, given out of love. In this case, especially since all my well-wishers don't wish a wife for me so that I will benefit somehow but so that I can "become the next bishop" I don't think their hopes are out of love either, at least not for me. To the great credit of my parents, they do not push, and I think they are put off by the protracted campaign to find me a wife, not to be of benefit to ME, but so that I can be of benefit to the church by being the next bishop. This treatise alone should serve to show that I am anything but qualified for that position. I'm not humble or patient enough, and I feel a little rebellious. All I have to do to stay away from the bishopric is to remain single. Easy. Beware those who try to threaten me. You cannot tempt to virtue like Satan does to vice. There is no virtue in using the Adversary's methods to achieve the Father's Plan.

Why Good Men Should Seek Suffering

Share

Nobody likes to suffer. Suffering is painful. However suffering is sometimes preferable to the alternative. And sometimes suffering is the only way for things to be better. Consider the person for example whose appendix has burst. His stomach must be cut open and his insides cleaned or else, in short order, his entire body will become septic and his life force completely ebb. A little painful surgery prevents death, and in a similar fashion oftentimes a little suffering in life prevent the death of the soul. Years ago a religion teacher once spoke that the worst trial one could endure was a life of no trials. Consider Job, whose life at the onset of his story seems to be one of nonstop merriment. His friends, so attuned to his success, conclude when God allows the devil to cause Job to suffer that Job must have deserved it. The real interesting thing about Job’s story is that God allowed Job to suffer so that He could make Job greater in the end than he was in the beginning. We ought not then pity any man who suffers, particularly a great man who endures trials. Obviously the universe considers some men worth building or it would not try to break them down.

Naturally, the presumption for a man who is suffering is that there is something wrong with him. When I recount stories from my life, people sometimes recoil, assuming that to draw near to me might mean that the lightning bolts of trial might strike them too by association. However, suffering might not mean there is anything wrong at all. Pests are not attracted to things that are already spoiled. Consider “Mr Smith Goes to Washington” which depicts an honest, forthright, and humble man thrust into the public sphere of Congress who does absolutely nothing to earn the spite and ire of his compatriots but who attracts their constant campaign of character assassination, not because he is evil, but precisely because he is so virtuous. Yes, trials often follow the wicked. It is often by the wicked that the wicked are punished, but the virtuous also make themselves a target by living righteousy. Sir Thomas More wrote to his daughter Margaret that sometimes we must stand fast in our virtue at the risk of being heroes. Shortly thereafter King Henry VIII cut off More’s head because More refused to accede to his edict and permit a divorce so that Henry could marry Anne.

In order to build something up, sometimes you must break it down. Likewise, the human body takes in materials and breaks them down in order to build itself up. We don’t need celery or cereal or crab legs, but our bodies break down our food into constituents and then reassembles the contents to build things it needs. If you want to strengthen your muscles, you must tear them lifting weights in order to convince your body to build your body for future lifting requirements. Seeds either must be submerged beneath soil or pass through a digestive track and be buried in manure in order to grow. In 2014 at Sequoia Kings Canyon National Park, a ranger told me that they realized that putting out fires was reducing the sequoia groves.  In order for the new trees to seed and have fertile soil wildfires must rage and pave the way for a new generation of saplings.  None of these are particularly pleasant pictures, but the prospect of growth only occurs under those conditions. Something must be broken before something better can be built.

Why do good men suffer? Why does God allow it? It’s actually a very simple but profound situation. There are many wonderful and decent people in the world. All of them are relevant. Without the average individual, there is not enough for the renowned to flourish, but many people, however relevant, are redundant. The failures are remembered because they tried, the victors are remembered because of their achievements, but the vast majority of people are forgotten amongst the throngs of average. When someone capable of rising above the background noise is born, the world, the universe or the Master elect to offer them a chance to rise up and rise above. Many of these people come from inauspicious circumstances. Joan of Arc was a teenage farm girl. Bailien of Ibelin was a blacksmith in English France. Simon Peter was a fisherman. Abraham Lincoln was so poor he had to borrow books to read at home because his parents could afford none. Yet, we know these names because these people did something with their lives. We also know Henry Tudor (Henry VIII) and Adolf Hitler and Ghenghis Khan and Marcus Brutus and Hernando Cortez because they also did something, something terrible.

The process seems simple. Difficult circumstances arise that invite a man to choose. Often the choices are simple. Sometimes they cut right to the character of the person. In that moment of choice, the man commits to a life path that irrevocably leads to a rendezvous with destiny. They were available and capable, and so the universe affords them a time for choosing. The process tests the commitment of their mettle, the steel of their convictions, the disposition of their specie, the application of their chiasmata. With each choice, the man commits deeper and deeper to his actual eternal disposition and a character is born. When the character’s casting call comes he struts and frets his hour on stage, and sometimes performs spectacularly in a way that dazzles the audience of mankind and reverberates through history. If the man is inclined to diligently apply himself, ultimately all of history knows his name and holds it for better or worse for the rest of human history.

Some are ultimately broken by the process. We should not pity them. Most men are not chosen. Most men are forgotten. Those chosen to be built who break against the weight of their trials are still often men we remember. King Saul was chosen. He broke against the commandments of God when, rather than slaughter everything, he retained some of the kine for sacrifice instead of obeying. King David was chosen. He broke against the commandments of God when he lusted after Uriah’s wife, had Uriah slain and lay with her against the prophet’s will. King Solomon was chosen. He broke against the commandments of God when he boasted of his riches to the queen of Egypt, thus precipitating a war in which Egypt lusted after Israel’s riches. Yet, we remember these men. We remember them being broken, but we also remember them being built, being chosen, being brave, being good, being loved of God, and because they were chosen by the universe we all know their names. We do not remember the rest of the kings of Israel or Judah for the most part. They occupied space in the line between men who mattered.

Those who survive the process are refined in the furnaces of affliction. It takes time to make a man great: time and patience and practice. IN a world that does not reward virtue, it also requires unwavering commitment and more than a lion’s share of moral fiber. The great man must prove every minute of every hour of every day that he is true and loves the truth and cannot be shaken or bought or swayed from his true purpose. It’s not about money. He cannot be bought or bribed. And, because it must be honest and from within, God must take away His hand and allow the creature to do from the will alone an endeavor which quickly loses all relish. When Elijah fled Ahab into the wilderness, he was fed by the ravens, but eventually the ravens failed and God sent him to Zarapath. There, he invited a widow woman to feed him and, to his great dismay, watched the son die anyway despite his promise. Although he raised the boy from the dead, by the time he reached the mountain where he challenged the priests of Baal he still wasn’t sure he was doing God’s will. Having seen the fire come down and consume his sacrifice and the soldiers subsequently slaughter Ahab’s priests at Elijah’s command Elijah still didn’t think he had achieved a rassafrassin thing. He still felt abandoned. So God sent an earthquake, a whirlwind, and then finally a still small voice, but it wasn’t until Elisha came that Elijah’s soul seems finally satisfied.

It is hard to stay the course when you are not sure you’re on course. People will conclude that, because things are awful, that you must be doing something wrong. Job’s friends ridiculed him and invited him to repent because clearly all that suffering was a punishment. Even Peter in Acts heals a man whom everyone assumed was infirm because of some sin because sometimes the infirmity is so that Peter can show he is Christ’s apostle. God does not put halos on His servants and the universe does not bedeck its favourites with plumage. All too often it is EVIL that rewards its disciples with gold, silver, silks and titles. Yesteryear, wicked men twirled their mustaches and wore dark overcoats.  Now they clothe their naked villainy in odd old ends stolen forth from holy writ and seem saints when most they play the devil.  Evil has become fashionable.  The Chosen must continue forward anyway without that reassurance, because it makes their faith more noble to press on without any assurance that they are in the right. Because when it comes from within, that’s the only time it’s truly real. You can bribe a man or threaten him, but only if he decides to do it no matter what is the cause of Evil actually threatened. Wrote CS Lewis:

“Our cause is never more in danger my dear Wormwood than when a human no longer desiring but still intending to do the Enemy’s will looks around upon a universe from which every trace of Him seems to have vanished, asks why he has been forsaken and still obeys.” [Screwtape Letters Letter #9]

And that, my friends, is why Henry VIII had no choice but to execute More, because he stood by his convictions and refused to bow his head to the will of a fallen man.  

The devil will also rage against the man and bring suffering. Sometimes the man beset with trials is doing everything imaginable correctly and the devil cannot abide it. He will throw whatever he can at the man to dissuade, distract and discourage. He has no body, so he tries to wear down and break ours. He has no conviction or faith, so he tries to sow doubts in ours. He has no virtue, and so he will try to convince men that we are suffering because we earned it. He teaches of Karma so that men may presume that we are reaping what we sow even if it is not so. Notice that karma is nearly always thought of as a negative with those we do not like. Sometimes people discard and disregard us because they are more interested in fantasy than in reality. Sometimes men suffer because they are doing what is right and because the pests find the fresh fruit the most appealing.

So if you see a man suffering, particularly a man you perceived as good, maybe the universe is refining him rather than scolding him. Perhaps the universe has chosen him rather than forgotten him. Perhaps he should be reminded that some of God’s favorites go through longer and deeper troughs because it is in trial periods much more than in prosperous periods that men grow into what God would like them to become. Wrote the poet “Good timber does not grow in ease; the harsher the gale the stronger the trees.” Up on Charleston Peak outside Las Vegas there stands a Bristlecone pine that is around 4000 years old. Fires, the great Flood, drought, logging, insect infestations, etc., have failed to hurt this tree, and it even withstands men carving their initials into it. It has grown in a way to withstand the winds. The trials it endured killed other trees. For Raintree (as it’s known by the natives) those trials made it strong. So next time God sends you blessings disguised as trials, try not to despair. Like Job, God might be paving the way for your to be better and have more than in the beginning. Clearly God thinks that you might grow into something spectacular.

No More ‘Ites’

Share

People divide themselves into groups and have for all time. Tribes are usually based around common beliefs, values and norms, and tribal conflict is a blueprint for most strife throughout history. However, in church we are admonished to come together in one people as part of God’s tribe and admonished to put away all other loyalties and associations. Seems nice in theory, but in practice it plays out rather differently. Last week at church I discovered that I am the only Androidite. All the rest of the congregational leadership belong to the iPhoneite tribe. I also realized that they are all former jocks/athletes at least from high school who still occupy most of the positions of import and visibility now in adulthood. Somehow I was invited to join their number even though I don’t belong. It balkanizes us in a strange but transformative way. Should it be that way or should there be no more “-ites”?

Both at church and in class, everyone seems to have an iPhone. My lecture class all prevailed upon me one evening to get an iPhone until they realized that I don’t need one or want one. All of the features they touted are things I know, by virtue of being GenX, how to do without a phone. My fellows at church all prevailed upon me to get an iPhone because they “refuse to respond to my messages unless it comes in the correct colour”.

Over the years, I’ve encountered several instances where people refused to interact with people who didn’t own an iPhone. The first time I remember was in 2014 when some woman on the radio insisted that she wouldn’t date a guy unless he had at least an iPhone3. Back then I had a Motorola RAZR V3 which I only replaced in 2019 because I broke it. I am fairsure there are other people who refuse to date me because my phone is an android. My Sunday school class in 2016 found it strange that I didn’t have one, and I know that they felt that way because they knew I could afford one but understood that I chose not to. Now, it’s church leadership at the congregational level that insists that, because I don’t have an iPhone, they refuse to work with me or at least send me messages.

It's not just phones. I was never popular because I wasn’t really inclined to athletics. Back before I turned 12 I was turned off to sports when, in the final inning of the championship, the coach swapped me for his son and his son struck out in my place. I played soccer after that, and despite attending all the practices and games, I was rarely put in and when I was, because I was the substitute goalie, I was blamed when we lost. When you’re always to blame but never celebrated, it becomes hard to enjoy sports. Consequently, by the time I reached high school I didn’t care for sports and subconsciously I didn’t respect athletes either. They had never treated me with respect, so I put myself to academics and became a Nerd/Dork. This just made me even more of a pariah. Nerds are not usually in charge, and they are never popular. So, I don’t understand how I got into congregational leadership.

Looking around the room at church, they are all jocks. Some of them have physiques so far from athlete that it’s hard to tell, but I have heard their stories. They are still living in the glory days and still probably see themselves as the popular desirable jocks they once were. They also still see me as the Nerd/Dork they apparently still regard me to be. They will praise my piety, but it’s largely backhanded compliments, because they are really at church sometimes I think to socialize or preen and not to worship or serve. They don’t initiate conversation with me, and even if I had an iPhone because I’m still not popular I doubt they would include or invite me. It was ever thus. Back in high school despite being in a congregation with 19 young men my age, I was invited when there was work to do (service projects and church activities) but not for fun. They even had a secret club called “BC”. I still don’t know what it stands for, and I don’t care. I guess the jocks keep me around because I am productive, and they probably tolerate me because I accomplish things and they can simply ignore my attempts to do the right things the right ways.

It's sad that in Christ’s kingdom we are not as one. I’m always going to be seen apparently as a Nerd. I’m not going to be respected unless I buy a particular brand of phone. What are we, six years old? I really thought, apparently naively, that when we grew up that brands and being cool would cease to matter. Maybe I grew up and they just grew old. The tribalism from sports and iphones is expressly contrary to the community of Christ and the brotherhood to which we ostensibly belong.

Perhaps that’s why some members of my congregation like and respect me. I don’t pay them special regard because of things they own or wear or do. I take care of them because the iPhone-ites ignore them. The iPhone-ites take care of each other, so I don’t worry about them, but other people are left out because they cannot afford iPhones or because they are not interested in or good at sports, and I minister to them regardless of their poverty or preferred recreational activity. I really don’t care what you do. I teach correct principles and let people govern themselves, and I think the youth I teach know that. They know they can ultimately ignore me, and since most of their parents are jocks who own iPhones I won’t be too bothered if they decide to ignore everything I ever teach them. I wonder sometimes which phone Christ would use and, if He owned an iPhone, if I would get one too or, perhaps more importantly, if He would even care which phone I used.

At the end of the day I have always been an outcast. I have never been an “ite”. I have never belonged. But Christ cared about those people, and I am trying to care for and about them too. Not everyone is included easily, and sometimes it’s hard to include some people. However, I know that even if Christ owned an iPhone He wouldn’t ignore me because I didn’t have one or belittle me because I wasn’t a jock. If those things were important, He would patiently prevail upon me to become such and also help me become such that I was inclined to and able to afford the price required to be an iPhone-ite and a jock. Christ empowered people.

This week ironically I returned two lost iPhones that I found. The people to whom they belonged did not judge me because I didn’t own an iPhone. In fact, I think they were shocked that I returned their phones. One was an iPhone XR; the other was an iPhone 12 Max. The latter costs like $800, and when I told him I didn’t want anything in return, I think he was shocked. He saw my Galaxy S5 and tried several times to offer me some compensation. I don’t know if he assumed I was poor because my phone is nine years old or if he was genuinely grateful. I refused all offers. I didn’t do it for the money. I don’t even want a smartphone, let alone an iPhone, so his phone is of no interest to me regardless of its potential market value or utility.

Your true identity is not in the things with which you festoon yourself but in how you treat others. God watched me spend Friday night returning two lost iPhones to their owners with no gain on my part. Fortunately, they drove to me, so I didn’t have to spend any money either. Christ admonished us to treat everyone with love. Ignoring my messages and leaving me out of activities is not treating me with love. Sometimes I’m not terribly loving in return. I turned to the bishop last Sunday and suggested he replace me with someone who owns an iPhone and plays sports. He won’t. He knows that despite the fact that I don’t get involved I will still go out and do the work of salvation. It might not be 100%, but I will give 100% on the part of the work about which people tell me. And God will be ok with that too, despite the fact that I don’t have an iPhone and hated sports. He knows I care about His people, whatever “ite” follows their name.