No More ‘Ites’

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People divide themselves into groups and have for all time. Tribes are usually based around common beliefs, values and norms, and tribal conflict is a blueprint for most strife throughout history. However, in church we are admonished to come together in one people as part of God’s tribe and admonished to put away all other loyalties and associations. Seems nice in theory, but in practice it plays out rather differently. Last week at church I discovered that I am the only Androidite. All the rest of the congregational leadership belong to the iPhoneite tribe. I also realized that they are all former jocks/athletes at least from high school who still occupy most of the positions of import and visibility now in adulthood. Somehow I was invited to join their number even though I don’t belong. It balkanizes us in a strange but transformative way. Should it be that way or should there be no more “-ites”?

Both at church and in class, everyone seems to have an iPhone. My lecture class all prevailed upon me one evening to get an iPhone until they realized that I don’t need one or want one. All of the features they touted are things I know, by virtue of being GenX, how to do without a phone. My fellows at church all prevailed upon me to get an iPhone because they “refuse to respond to my messages unless it comes in the correct colour”.

Over the years, I’ve encountered several instances where people refused to interact with people who didn’t own an iPhone. The first time I remember was in 2014 when some woman on the radio insisted that she wouldn’t date a guy unless he had at least an iPhone3. Back then I had a Motorola RAZR V3 which I only replaced in 2019 because I broke it. I am fairsure there are other people who refuse to date me because my phone is an android. My Sunday school class in 2016 found it strange that I didn’t have one, and I know that they felt that way because they knew I could afford one but understood that I chose not to. Now, it’s church leadership at the congregational level that insists that, because I don’t have an iPhone, they refuse to work with me or at least send me messages.

It's not just phones. I was never popular because I wasn’t really inclined to athletics. Back before I turned 12 I was turned off to sports when, in the final inning of the championship, the coach swapped me for his son and his son struck out in my place. I played soccer after that, and despite attending all the practices and games, I was rarely put in and when I was, because I was the substitute goalie, I was blamed when we lost. When you’re always to blame but never celebrated, it becomes hard to enjoy sports. Consequently, by the time I reached high school I didn’t care for sports and subconsciously I didn’t respect athletes either. They had never treated me with respect, so I put myself to academics and became a Nerd/Dork. This just made me even more of a pariah. Nerds are not usually in charge, and they are never popular. So, I don’t understand how I got into congregational leadership.

Looking around the room at church, they are all jocks. Some of them have physiques so far from athlete that it’s hard to tell, but I have heard their stories. They are still living in the glory days and still probably see themselves as the popular desirable jocks they once were. They also still see me as the Nerd/Dork they apparently still regard me to be. They will praise my piety, but it’s largely backhanded compliments, because they are really at church sometimes I think to socialize or preen and not to worship or serve. They don’t initiate conversation with me, and even if I had an iPhone because I’m still not popular I doubt they would include or invite me. It was ever thus. Back in high school despite being in a congregation with 19 young men my age, I was invited when there was work to do (service projects and church activities) but not for fun. They even had a secret club called “BC”. I still don’t know what it stands for, and I don’t care. I guess the jocks keep me around because I am productive, and they probably tolerate me because I accomplish things and they can simply ignore my attempts to do the right things the right ways.

It's sad that in Christ’s kingdom we are not as one. I’m always going to be seen apparently as a Nerd. I’m not going to be respected unless I buy a particular brand of phone. What are we, six years old? I really thought, apparently naively, that when we grew up that brands and being cool would cease to matter. Maybe I grew up and they just grew old. The tribalism from sports and iphones is expressly contrary to the community of Christ and the brotherhood to which we ostensibly belong.

Perhaps that’s why some members of my congregation like and respect me. I don’t pay them special regard because of things they own or wear or do. I take care of them because the iPhone-ites ignore them. The iPhone-ites take care of each other, so I don’t worry about them, but other people are left out because they cannot afford iPhones or because they are not interested in or good at sports, and I minister to them regardless of their poverty or preferred recreational activity. I really don’t care what you do. I teach correct principles and let people govern themselves, and I think the youth I teach know that. They know they can ultimately ignore me, and since most of their parents are jocks who own iPhones I won’t be too bothered if they decide to ignore everything I ever teach them. I wonder sometimes which phone Christ would use and, if He owned an iPhone, if I would get one too or, perhaps more importantly, if He would even care which phone I used.

At the end of the day I have always been an outcast. I have never been an “ite”. I have never belonged. But Christ cared about those people, and I am trying to care for and about them too. Not everyone is included easily, and sometimes it’s hard to include some people. However, I know that even if Christ owned an iPhone He wouldn’t ignore me because I didn’t have one or belittle me because I wasn’t a jock. If those things were important, He would patiently prevail upon me to become such and also help me become such that I was inclined to and able to afford the price required to be an iPhone-ite and a jock. Christ empowered people.

This week ironically I returned two lost iPhones that I found. The people to whom they belonged did not judge me because I didn’t own an iPhone. In fact, I think they were shocked that I returned their phones. One was an iPhone XR; the other was an iPhone 12 Max. The latter costs like $800, and when I told him I didn’t want anything in return, I think he was shocked. He saw my Galaxy S5 and tried several times to offer me some compensation. I don’t know if he assumed I was poor because my phone is nine years old or if he was genuinely grateful. I refused all offers. I didn’t do it for the money. I don’t even want a smartphone, let alone an iPhone, so his phone is of no interest to me regardless of its potential market value or utility.

Your true identity is not in the things with which you festoon yourself but in how you treat others. God watched me spend Friday night returning two lost iPhones to their owners with no gain on my part. Fortunately, they drove to me, so I didn’t have to spend any money either. Christ admonished us to treat everyone with love. Ignoring my messages and leaving me out of activities is not treating me with love. Sometimes I’m not terribly loving in return. I turned to the bishop last Sunday and suggested he replace me with someone who owns an iPhone and plays sports. He won’t. He knows that despite the fact that I don’t get involved I will still go out and do the work of salvation. It might not be 100%, but I will give 100% on the part of the work about which people tell me. And God will be ok with that too, despite the fact that I don’t have an iPhone and hated sports. He knows I care about His people, whatever “ite” follows their name.

Unto Such Shall Ye Continue to Minister

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In my role as a member of the ward bishopric, I take the occassion to visit as many families as I can. I have NOT visited EVERYONE, but last week I managed to finally make it into a home of some members who were reticent to let ANYONE from the ward into their house. While there, they spilled the beans about their feelings and misgivings and experiences, and it opened my eyes. In particular, one issue was mentioned that prompted this post. The wife reported that, when reporting on her ministering visits, the Relief Society President asked if a particular woman should be added to the list of "never coming back to church". She was disturbed. I was enraged. I mentioned it to the Bishop last Sunday, but he dismissed my concerns and experiences. After all, this family won't let HIM in their house. I found it contrary to experience, to doctrine and to the happiness of both the minister and the person to be visited.

First off, this attitude runs contrary to experience. We have members of our congregation who were absent for protracted periods of time who are now stalwart, faithful and RESPECT ME, and I didn't even have anything to do with their return. An elderly couple returned to the temple this last year after 40 years of not having recommends. An older gentleman was inactive after joining the Navy until his daughter was born, and he has been active and valiant for the 26 years since then. A husband walked away for a time, and his wife thought they were going to be apart forever, but he decided to read the scriptures and, after reading everything in a year, returned unexpectedly to church one week. Even his wife didn't know. We have no idea who will return to the fold. We have no idea what the Lord is doing to reach out and influence people. If we assume they are never coming back, we will not be available to help them return, and even if they do we rob ourselves of the blessings that come from helping people change their lives for the better.

Secondly, this attitude runs contrary to doctrine. In the Book of Mormon, we read Christ teaching his disciples in the Americas: 

 Nevertheless, ye shall not cast him out of your synagogues, or your places of worship, for unto such shall ye continue to minister; for ye know not but what they will return and repent, and come unto me with full purpose of heart, and I shall heal them; and ye shall be the means of bringing salvation unto them. -3NE 18:32

We have been commanded to continue not only to continue to minister but to allow and encourage them to come and worship with us. Christ himself taught us to continue to reach out, as He does, to everyone. We have no idea who will return and repent. We cannot see the heart of a person, and we cannot predict whom Christ will elect to heal. Many Christians assume they know the final disposition of a soul, but with rare exception anyone can be helped and rescued and redeemed. One of the youth reported seeing a sticker that read "Christ loves those you hate". He died and rose again for them too.

Finally, creating a list of people who will "never return" is contrary to happiness and denies the Christ. We are not the final arbiter, and the disposition of a man in this world is not the final state of a man. No man can see the future. Many that die deserve life; many who live deserve death. Many who are happy deserve suffering; many who suffer deserve ease. Sometimes the path to heaven is not that straight and narrow, not because the criteria vary but because the route we walk and the experiences we endure lead us to wander far from where we intended. As a boy, my dad liked to draw mazes to entertain us at church, and I quickly learned that My Father liked to draw a circuitous route from start to finish. Likewise, our Father God does the same in order to make sure we get the experiences and opportunities and have a chance to influence the lives He sends us to touch and participate as much as we can in His work so we can share the blessings. Even Jesus wandered in the wilderness alone for a time; even Jesus felt like His father abandoned him in Gethsemane. At baptism we promise to be with those in need of help, to mourn with those that mourn and comfort those in need of comfort. At no point are we told to eschew, reject or bar the "wicked" from our midst, because we are all wicked too. CS Lewis wrote that, as far as temptations go, "Murder is no better than cards if cards will do the trick" leading a man away from God.

Anyone can return to Christ. I had a friend in High School who, up until my Freshman year, was a drug dealer. Initially members of my ward worried about me hanging out with "Richard" because they saw only his past. Christ saw his future. THere was no reason to expect Richard to ever come back to church, but he did, and he served a mission, and I hope he is well, because we lost contact when I moved away. He would discuss the scriptures with me at school, acknowledge I exist, and give me a ride when my father was not available, and I bet members put him on the "never coming back to church" list in their hearts. I don't see men change often, but I saw Richard change, and I know what goes through MY heart, and so if God can find me acceptable and inspire me, then surely He can and will work through whomever He deems worthy, and I am not there to judge. I left my visit last Thursday promising them that I was not there to judge them. I was there to love them, and SO ARE WE ALL. We have only two commandments to live: love God, and love your neighbor. I shall continue to minister, because although nobody from church visits me, Christ ministers to me and is patient with me and forgives me. How can I do anything but?

One of My Proudest Moments

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There’s a lot of temptation in the world today to do things to advance yourself. There’s a lot of temptation in academia to do whatever it takes to succeed. I told my class last night about cheating, about how students have cheated and about how they have cheated each other, as I warned them about allowing cheaters to get away with it. And then I told them a story about one of my proudest moments about cheating. You see today, it seems that morality and virtue and ethics and propriety are to be discarded at any time if you can justify it to advance yourself. One day, years ago, a student tried the trope on me.

Back in 2015, I was teaching all the same lecture and lab classes. I had all the same students which was good for continuity and familiarity. Unfortunately, familiarity brings its own risks. One night during lab, after I’d given a particularly tough exam earlier that week, one of my female students approached me. She told me that she would do “anything” to get an A in my class. I said, “Anything eh?” as I rubbed my beard. “Anything” she responded, seductively. “Then why don’t you do the homework I assign?” You see, by this point, she had failed to submit any work for three homework assignments, totalling 75 points of the total score, bringing her down nearly an entire letter grade. She said anything, but not that.

We all know what she wanted. Even her lab partner, a female herself, laughed as this student stared at me in stunned silence. She had no idea what had just happened because the conversation didn’t go as she foresaw it in her head. The partner told me later that this student had been sleeping her way through college and that I was probably the first instructor on whom she’d tried this where it didn’t work. I knew this young lady didn’t want me, and truth is I didn’t really want her either, so what she was clandestinely and suggestively offering didn’t interest me one bit.

The other girl let me mention her name when I self reported the event. Of course the student claimed that I made HER the offer to give her an A if she performed some acts. The investigation ended quietly and I was cleared, but I think back on that girl who was shocked when a man she viewed as beneath her rejected her ovations. It is not the first time, and it will sadly probably not be the last.

I have plenty of weaknesses and weak moments. Ask my summer class this term and they’ll tell you I make at least one mistake in class each time we meet. Sometimes I’m very lonely, and given my state of mind at the time, I would have been about as vulnerable to this then as I ever have been. For some reason, I made the right call, and I made it in a way that made everyone except her laugh. I get some smug satisfaction out of knowing that a below average guy turned down an above average girl. In truth though I knew she wasn’t really interested in me, and if you’re not interested in me it won’t be enjoyable for either of us.

People sell themselves short sometimes. You are worth more than you think you are. It’s not your education or your wealth or your looks or your “confidence”. It’s your identity as a child of God, and I wasn’t about to go back before the judgement bar of the great Jehovah and have to recall that I took advantage of a young lady once in return for lying about her score. Sounds like two sins to me. It’s hard sometimes to resist, but when you realize that people are not tempting you because they care about YOU it gets easier, and I’m old enough to know when someone is really interested or just pulling my chain. Of course, I hope one day a young lady who is pretty WILL take interest in me. Until then, I can proudly preen about how, once I find her, I respected her and myself and that student by not falling prey to sophistry.

Pavlov's Doug

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The Dean came by my office yesterday just because he was making the rounds, but when I answered the door, I asked him what he wanted. I have become so accustomed to people only talking to me when they need something, that I treated him like all the others- just another person talking to me when he needed something. Our conversation evolved into something pleasant, and I enjoyed his visit, especially since he didn't come with an ulterior motive, even if the visit was brief. It's nice sometimes to have someone share some time with you without having an ulterior motive. Unfortunately, my experience is all too often quite the opposite.

How it started
Back in High School, I was shocked when cheerleaders acknowledged my existence and talked to me. It didn't take long to register that they were coming to me for help with their school work. I attended two different high schools in two different states, so I got used to being the new kid. Being a nerdy/dorky guy didn't help much either. No matter how I tried, I ended up with the outcasts until the outcasts decided to cast me out too. Eventually, I retreated into my shell and just did what I wanted. My junior year of high school, there were 27 young men about my age in high school from the same congregation. They always invited me to service projects and church things, but they never invited me when they were having fun. I showed up one day at one of their houses to find 25 of them having a fun activity without me (and the other kid Nathan who was ostracized). I just grew used to people not having any interest unless they needed something.

How I noticed
One Sunday at University the phone rang. I grew accustomed to the notion that if the phone rang on Sunday morning it was because they needed something at church. I usually went for walks down town and fed the homeless just to not be available to backstop their last minute emergencies. People did NOT call to invite me to fun things or just to talk. When I asked "What can I do for you?" my father said, "I'm your dad. I'm just calling to see how you are." I became so engrained to expect a particular ulterior motive that I responded automatically no matter who spoke.

How it's going
For the past year or so, people I know have insisted that I "just need to put myself out there more" or "trust in people and let them in". Over the past three months, I've started a dialogue now with at least five young ladies who ostensibly were interested in me romantically. I was standoffish at first, but then I decided to give them a chance and got my hopes up only to discover that they were also only talking to me for ulterior motives. One of them was a "working girl" who was willing to hang out with me only if I sent her money up front. One of them wanted to get me involved in a pyramid scheme. One of them was just talking to me for attention because she was lonely and bored.

I feel like I'm just one of Pavlov's Dougs. I have become conditioned so much to expect people to only contact me when they need something that I don't know that I enjoy the company of other people. Most people only extend themselves when they need something from me. When I am finally released from the bishopric of my congregation, I won't be floating around checking on people because they don't bother to check in on and with me. I invite others. They don't invite me. I visit others. They don't visit me. I do things for others. They don't even offer to do things for me. I don't live my life entirely on a quid pro quo basis, but it would be nice to be visited, included and appreciated. Most people only talk to me only when there is work to be done and not when there is something to enjoy. I'm conditioned, and I hate it. How about you?

Benefits of Vigilance

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Back in 2015, I noticed water running down the sides of my driveway. When the bill came, I registered that almost 1000 gallons extra useage beyond what I usually use. It took a few weeks to determine that the leak was BENEATH the driveway, and I was worried about earth being worn away from beneath the driveway. The guy who installed the sprinkler system in my front yard ran tubing under the driveway that CONTAINED A KINKED SECTION which eventually failed. Ever since then, I have paid attention, nearly daily, to the water meter.

Tuesday morning when I left for work, I noticed that according to the water meter I had used 70 more gallons than I expected. When it happened again Wednesday morning, I went out to check the yard and found that a feed line had been detached from the valve, spilling water into the middle of the yard. So, some plants suffered for two days, and I wasted some water, but I got it repaired and didn't have to spend any money on a repair or a professional. If I were not aware, who knows how long it would have been before I noticed the water waste?

Periodically, unexpected useage piques my interest and gets me looking for a problem. Since the initial leak, I have caught neighbors using my water to fill their swimming pool, squatters (in that same house later) using my hose bib to fill their carbuoys, found a leak in a valve in the front yard, and tracked another useage to a cracked section of pipe at a corner. That last one was a huge pain to fix. However, since I pay attention nearly daily, I caught the problem early on, within a few days, and minimized the water waste.

We take a lot of things for granted in our modern life. Many daily conveniences create massive problems because we just assume things are running fine. Back when you had to haul your own water, nobody ever ended up with a flood inside their house unless there was an actual flood. When you had no electricity you went to bed when it was dark or hung out by a fire/candle. When you didn't have netflix, you had to entertain yourself or get together with friends. Now, a lot of things go without oversight and, unwatched, often end up out of wack.

The world has changed a lot in the las 23 years. Politicians, unwatched, have run rampant. People, obsessed with watching their phones, have often run into me while walking. A lot of things are not getting the attention they ought, and some things, like tiktok and other social media, get far more attention than they deserve. Are you watching what they teach your children? Are you watching your bank account? Do you check your utility bills to see if they make sense? Do you pay attention to people in your neighborhood? I recently spent 10 days in France, and none of my neighbors even noticed. Everyone seems obsessed with what I'm eating online, but nobody seems interested in actually getting together.

They say that eternal vigilance is the price of freedom. Our conveniences and opportunities came, often, due to no sacrifice or work on our part. For the most part, people simply pay money and the conveniences of modernity are provided BY OTHERS. When crisis arises, we are then beholden to those professionals to repair our state at whatever price they demand. When crisis arises, we often don't notice before things are far beyond our poor power to affect change. People don't really seem to notice what goes on around them, and then they piss and moan when something goes wrong, badly wrong, and a large price is required to repair the damage done.

Like I said, because I watch my water meter, I caught the problem within two days and paid nothing to actually rectify it. If I waited for a professional, in all likelihood he would charge me a service fee to "take a look" (which I could also do) and then probably has a minimum fee even though no expense was required. If we pay more attention to what happens around us, we can save ourselves from irreparable disaster sometimes as well as from being beholden to the often unethical business practices of those who would hold us at ransom. Years ago, I had a flat tire that was irreparable (so they say) and they refused to let me leave. I put on the spare tire, drove home, put on a FULL SIZE SPARE that I had in the garage, and waited until tires were on sale to buy a replacement. Vigilance provided me with freedom. I didn't have to bow to their demands, pay their price or act on their timing. I was ready and free to act upon my own. You can be too. Not everything is simple and not everything is cheap, but if you are paying attention you can often end up paying a lot less down the road when things go wrong. Catching a problem early may cost you for the repair, but you wont stack up months worth of excess water useage because you didn't notice the back yard was flooded every morning. Be vigilant. In this there is savings and peace.

Long Time Passed No Posts

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I learned yesterday from a follower that people miss this media. I abandoned it because during quarantine I was making videos, and they are easier to make. However, I do get a lot of shade for how I look, which I don't get here. I've just been frustrated, distracted, and discouraged, and so I have opted to do other things with my time, because I thought that nobody read this or cared anymore for blogs, especially mine.

So, now that I know you care, so here's the skinny. I've been in a bishopric now for about two years, and it has been the most frustrating thing in my life. I took this calling knowing that it would require sacrifice, but I had no idea as to the width and bredth of sacrifice it would actually exact of me. Whether we're talking about my job, my health, or my other private concerns, this calling has cost me in many avenues of my life, and may culminate in me losing my membership or at least some privileges thereof.

First off, it hurt me professionally/vocationally. I had to take a significant pay cut to be in the bishopric, and that staffing option has been filled by someone else who was willing and AVAILABLE. As soon as I was no longer willing to do whatever it took, the administration started looking for OTHER PEOPLE to put into my slots. For the first time in a decade, they took a class from me last term and gave it to a new hire who is a member of the HDTV+ community. Students were upset. Administration was aloof. Meanwhile, the other bishopric counselor has been promoted twice, and he's unlikely to be at weekly activities, summer camp, or stick around very long after church. His career is far more important than the Lord.

Secondly, it has hurt me socially. As a member of a bishopric, I'm supposed to work with the youth, but there are also a crapton of widows and widowers, and I have adopted them and cared for them. So, my friend circle is predominantly filled with septa- and octagenarians, who are old enough to be my parents. On the other end of the spectrum, I work with teenagers, who are young enough to be my children. Some of their parents don't like me because the kids listen to me and not to them. So, I ended up in a social no mans land where the people my age are married already and/or hate me.

Finally, it has hurt me psychologically. I find that church leaders are reticent to help with or dismissive of my concerns. Yesterday in church a Stake Leader used abusive language toward three youth and although the Stake President and Bishop were there, I was the only person who pushed back or pointed it out. I was so ticked off that I was about to punch the dude for mocking teenagers, so instead I tripped over my chair and left. My pulse was 117bpm. I was angry. Church leaders expect me to "plow and sow and reap to glut the avarice of those who would riot in my blood and hunt me from the face of the [ward]". They expect me to get these kids to seminary and prepare them for missions and then allow other adults to mock them publicly in front of their peers. I told the Stake President that I expect him to back me up if the youth matter, otherwise I'll surrender my temple recommend and resign from the bishopric.

At the end of the day, none of these kids are mine. Nobody will make much mention of lessons I taught or times I stood up for them if other priesthood leaders drive them away from the church. If stake leaders aren't going to stick up for the kids and push back against the Adversary's methods, what good will my feeble efforts achieve? I am only one man, and half the time I'm sure I'm overreacting and being over the top because I lack a female influence to calm me down and temper my reactions. I don't know if God talks to me, if I hear Him at all, or if I misinterpreted His messages. Plus, what do I know about raising children? Nobody seems to want to have any with me, so what do I know about raising them? I just about attacked a priesthood leader who was bullying the youth. Imagine what that might have cost me if I physically assaulted him in a church building!

I don't know why, but I care about these kids. I know that five to ten years from now, if past is prologue, most of them won't remember me, talk to me, or talk about me even though in the digital age keeping in touch is easy, even for someone sans social media such as myself. Two years ago, I attended wedding receptions for two young men I taugh back in 2018, but I haven't heard a peep from them since. I know God sees what I'm doing, and He hasn't struck me with lightning yet or closed my mouth so that I cannot speak, so I keep being me because that's what I was told to do was be me. Yet, I feel so often like I am the 506th Parachute Infantry, surrounded in Bastogne, and the Allied leadership is dickering about helping me while I give ground and lose confidence. I know that paratroopers are supposed to be surrounded, but we also rely on other parts of God's Battalion to come to our relief. Nuts!

Maybe I'm just complaining. Maybe I'm just not cut out for this job. Maybe I'm not supposed to win. I mean, sometimes God sends people to proclaim repentence knowing they won't actually repent, but I hoped that I might be able to make a difference. Now I have to go spend six hours this week doing damage control with vulnerable youth because some high school football star continues to bully those who are weaker than he and gets away with it because priesthood leaders "believe in God's mercy". I refuse to let the kids be bullied, and I refuse to put my arm to the square to sustain men who think there is virtue in using the adversary's method to achieve the Father's plan. I managed to walk away, but I cannot do that forever, and I don't know how else to respond. I don't have time to raise other men's kids, and why would God trust me to do that when He gave me none of my own?

Letting God Prevail

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You hear the inspirational stories from time to time, how people trusted in God and arrived at their own Land of Promise. They followed promptings and got the house, the job, the fiancé, the pregnancy, or the healing blessing for which they richly and righteously yearned. You may also know other people who, despite faithful service and devotion to the gospel of Jesus Christ and their covenants, still feel like they are wandering in the Wilderness of Sin unsure when they will arrive at their own Promised Land. They remain single, sick, poor, uneducated, unemployed, or childless, despite faith, prayer and fasting. Both of these stories have one common theme- the people in them are trying to let God prevail in their lives. They are seeking righteous things in their lives and blessings from the Lord. Not achieving and not attempting may look the same in the outcome, but they take very different paths.

I lived what most would consider a faithful and devoted life as a youth. My mission president described me as the most prepared missionary he had ever met. My maternal grandfather was upset at first to not be able to pay for my mission until he learned that I intended to pay my own way. I married in the temple. I attended university and earned on a PhD in Biochemistry. Then my life went to hell. None of this happened because of me. It happened because of the agency of others.

You see, sometimes the things we think of as a Land of Promise depend on the agency of others. No matter how hard we try, we cannot mess with free will and have a happy ending. You cannot force someone to marry you, promote you, have children with you or the Lord to heal you. Sometimes other ends are God’s will. Virtuous ends come only from virtuous means, and that’s why God doesn’t mess with free will either. The stories of faithful Christians who follow promptings and have their dreams and hopes realized occur because of free will. So did mine, and so do the stories of others who are denied the blessings of family and posterity because of the agency of others.

Acquiescing to agency of other people is a way in which we let God prevail. God knows us and watches over us and wants us to be happy. He also allows other people to reject Him when they reject us because that is important to their growth and honest outcome as well. Elder F Enzio Busche once taught that “When you are forced to give up something or when something dear to you is taken from you, know that this is your lesson to be learned right now. Know also as you are learning this lesson that God wants to give you something better.” When my marriage fell apart and my vocational aspirations faltered, I falsely presumed that God would give me a better wife or a superior job. However, it was not something better in that way or even for me. God had a better work for me to do.

In the intervening years, the church has made some changes in its organizational structure to accommodate men like me. For many years, I sat in the overflow on the SWorD bench (Single, Widowed or Divorced) with other men in my ward who had nobody with whom to sit. There are many single WOMEN in the church in similar circumstances who also feel like there is no place for them because they don’t fit the stereotype. All I contributed to the kingdom was my tithe and as a statistic for purposes of the ward budget because several bishops used their agency to avoid asking God what He would have me do in their wards. Then, in 2021, a change occurred, I was put into a bishopric, and I began to hold down two jobs, three callings and raise my new beagle puppy. I am a counselor, a Sunday School teacher and a ward single adult representative for the stake. I have a work to do. It is “something better”, but it is not a family of my own or a fat paycheck.

Not all lands of promise look the same and not all lands of promise come in this life. Not all promises are for us. Despite his faithfulness, Moses did not get to enter the Promised Land. That was for Joshua and Caleb and those born in the wilderness. It seems that, for many of God’s faithful children, they must first spend some time wandering in a wilderness before receiving the blessings He has for them. So if you feel like you’re trapped inside a never ending night, then maybe you should take that as a sign that you are one of God’s favorites and that, when the time is right, He will lead you across the River Jordan into the land He prepared for YOU. Trusting God is difficult but always the right choice. When Midian invaded, Gideon pared his army down to only a few hundred souls who, because they trusted in and followed the Lord, drove out the invaders as they chanted “The Sword of the Lord and Gideon”. You can also be the SWorD of the Lord even if your life doesn’t fit the stereotype or have the happy ending for which you yearn. You can help God’s will and kingdom prevail if you seek His will, follow the promptings and trust in His grace, love and timing.

If you presume to know about how I live from the outcome of my life, I appear to be a dismal failure. I served a mission in a nation that underwent apostasy while there, a nation that no longer has its own mission and is an appendage to another mission. I have been divorced now for more than a decade. I have no children. I have never been promoted at my job. I have not had any friends since my friend moved to Ohio in 2017. I drive a 1995 Saturn and live in a modest but comfortable house. From all the metrics measured by man, I am a failure. However, talk to the youth of my ward, the bishop, my parents, and parents of the youth, to some of the septuagenarians in the ward I have taken it upon myself to shepherd, and they will tell you that I am anything but a failure. True, I didn’t find a lofty pay increase or the love of my life, but I know that God has taken me to a Promised Land, something better even if it’s not a land that holds promise for me. Like Nehemiah wrote, I know that I am doing a great work and cannot come down.

Elder Dieter Uchtdorf spoke in conference many years ago that the promises of the Lord are not often kept in the ways and timing that we might hope. The work of patience is this- to live diligently and faithfully, to trust God, and to never give up. In the end God will prevail, and if you let Him lead your life, you will prevail too, even if not in the way or timing that you expect. I don’t know if I’ll ever find anyone with whom to share life or want to. I doubt I will ever have children. I don’t know if any of the children of other men will take what I teach them in word and by example and change their lives for the better or give me attribution. I know that they have their agency. I know that I am giving young people the tools to a good life and teaching them how they work. It’s up to them to use them in the way God intends, to let Him show them how to build a better life.

God will prevail. He prevails upon all of us to trust Him. I may not be rich or married or be living happily after happily, but I have a dog who absolutely loves me absolutely, food in the fridge, money in the bank, marrow in my bones and strength in my sinews. And God gave me charismata, a myriad of spiritual gifts to use to bless others of His children outside my family. I have not achieved anything you can see, but it is not for lack of trying. It’s for lack of agency, but I only control mine, and I am choosing to do what I think will help God prevail and listening to Him when He tries to prevail upon me.

Courage Chose Me

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 Many things have changed since I last wrote on this blog.  Most of them have been challenges or blessings disguised as trials.  One of them, however, was not.  After more than two years grieving my dog, last August, God helped me find a new one.  His name is Courage.

His previous humans were allergic to him.  Turns out I might be too.  Courage licks me more than my other dogs, and I find that I develop a rash sometimes, but when I went over to meet him before committing to bringing him home, he came over and sat between my legs as comfortable as can be, and I took that as a sign that this was the right dog.

Sometimes Courage sits in my other beagle's spots, but he has not taken his place.  I wonder sometimes if he knows that there was another dog here once, that some of those spots are his.  At first, he sniffed around looking for  my other beagle, despite the fact that he'd been dead for two years.  Now, he has his own places and we have our own things, and I reserve some places for the dog who was my best friend.

I brought Courage home over a year ago.  I would have written on the anniversary, but there was a fire at my house, and I just moved back in this week.  It was tough sleeping on a couch and leaving him in a crate, but we have shared some tender moments.  I am determined to show by the way I treat Courage that I have learned to be a better dog dad.  Sure, I wish I'd done that with my other beagle, but at least it shows that I have learned and that his sacrifices brought forth fruit.

This morning, I awoke to find Courage laying on his side, his head resting on the pillow watching me sleep.  I left the light on all night, and he was there for me.  Courage chose me, and he continues to choose me.  I know that he'll be over the moon that I'll finish class early this week and be there with him a little bit longer before bed.  I will be too.

Although God still sees fit to introduce me only to humans who will not be meaningful to my life long term, He has granted in His mercy to bless me with dogs.  I wrote in the book, which I still have not finished three years later, that my dogs are a reminder that God has not forsaken nor forgotten me, that He has good things for me, and that He loves me.  Courage's humans named him after Courage the Cowardly Dog, but he's not a coward at all.  Instead, I kept the name when the words of a hymn came to mind:

Fear not though the Enemy deride.  Courage, for the Lord is on our side.

He has been and continues to be on mine, and Courage is a tangible reminder that God loves me, even if it's a canine companion.  After all, Courage knows the truth about me too and is still excited to be with me, warts and all.

Mauthausen Moments

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Many Americans seem surprised to discover how many Germans deny the existence of the Concentration Camps during World War II. We trust those who tell us about the atrocities they witnessed, particularly when those people are grandparents who helped liberate the camps. We marvel that the locals could deny the existence of camps in their own backyards. However, at the same time, many of us have no idea that German and Japanese citizens (Korimatsu v United States) were interned in the United States or that after the war German civilians were housed in camps under atrocious conditions (Rheinwiesenlager). Perhaps we feel this way because we just weren't taught any better, because the time we have in school to learn is limited to the amount of information we could absorb. Perhaps we feel this way because we do not want to know any better. At some point, each of us experiences a Mauthausen Moment, where we decide if we want to only see the land of our nativity through only rose colored glasses. Despite evidence to the contrary, despite experience, and despite the duplicity that exists when some atrocity of that scale looms in our own back yard, we lionize ourselves and paint all others in caricature. You see, acknowledging the true purpose of Mauthausen means acknowledging that some of what we believe and value and "know" is based on half-truths and whole lies.

Experiencing Mauthausen

While working as a missionary in Austria, our mission zone opted to use one of our monthly activities to visit the Mauthausen main camp near Linz, Austria, which was the center of our Zone. The approach to Mauthausen is mostly clear, but on the path we tred, shortly before you spot the main camp, it is obscured from view. Before you see the buildings still extant, the stench assaults your nasal cavity. You can smell death. At least one of our company vomited at the smell. Even if you've never smelt burnt human flesh, you know that's what it is, because you know where you are going, even though this was not an extermination camp. Many of the prisoners here, since most of those sent to Mauthausen were Polish and Soviet POWs, were shot for failure to salute their captors or died in accidents. Only 25% of those interned in Mauthausen survived the war. Mauthausen had one of the highest rates of death of all the KZ Lagern. Mauthausen is centered around a stone quarry, with its infamous stairs of death, from which a fair few number of prisoners fell. In subsequent visits to the towns between Wels and Linz, Austrians with whom we spoke denied having any idea there was a camp there. In some cases, they deny the existence of the camp even now. I think they didn't want to know. You see, in order to have a Mauthausen Moment, you must deny things that you know because to acknowledge them means that many of the things to which you desperately cling as virtues in yourself, your nation, your dogma, or your world of view must wash away because of the sandy foundation on which they are predicated. You see, if Austrians admit that Mauthausen existed or what happened there, they would have to admit everything complicit in their own actions that made it so.

Evidence of Mauthausen

Every psychological attempt to conceal the Mauthausens of our lives ignores the evidence of its erection. Whether we're ignoring our own flaws or duplicity or we weigh our strengths against another's weaknesses, Mauthausen Moments are preceded by a campaign of misinformative propaganda. Imagine the scope of building the camp, the construction in a time when employment in Austria/Germany were very low, when jobs were few and when the people were poor. Nobody noticed? Imagine the nationalization of industries and how the industries ran but the employment rolls never decreased because they were worked by slaves and prisoners. You stand on the train platforms in Attnang-Puchheim and see freight trains full of people roll through and never bother to ask where they went or who they were? I mean, it's not like the passenger trains; these people were shipped as FREIGHT. Yet, they were "deplorables" and not worth the time and attention necessary to really worry about their disposition. By the time the war ended, greater Mauthausen stretched over hundreds of miles, dotting the countryside with camps in places like Ebensee, Gusen, Amstetten and Melk, all of which are places I walked as a missionary. People living there today act as if nothing bad ever happened there. You can be sure that locals participated in the erection of the camp, its staffing, its supervision, and its supply. You know that because some of the people living there were good National Socialists. I know; I met a few, including an Oberscharfuehrer whose rank I recognized when he brought his uniform to the door. And just who did the Germans think built their Messerschmidt fighter jets that came from caves under the camps? The smelters and industries ran, and the allies bombed the steel factory outside Linz, but American bombers didn't bomb Mauthausen. Why not?

Deciding to believe despite duplicity

People will believe a lie for two reasons. Either they are hoping that it's true or they are afraid it might be. IN the modern world we see the same trend, whether with politics, religion, economics or even romance, people delude themselves into thinking that what they hope is the same as what they have reason to think is true. Reasonable thoughts come from evidence; hope persists despite its absence. Life is then full of Mauthausen Moments, where we commit to something either believing it or ignoring it despite evidence to the contrary. We hold onto beliefs despite evidence to the contrary and we imagine evidence for other ideas where none exists. You come to believe in a thing, a person, or an idea, and you commit to it, because if you admit you are wrong you must admit that effort and energy and belief has been cast behind a fraudulent or corrupt thing. You revere it, see only it's virtues, and you throw your weight behind it to make it possible and sometimes even to help it succeed. Then, you learn that the rosy parts aren't the only parts or worse that the rosy parts are not even true. At this point, your Mauthausen Moment requires you to admit that you were wrong and that you helped or at least sat by while something atrocious went on right under your nose. Every German had to endure a Mauthausen Moment. Many of them realized that they had been fed a lie. Those Germans greeted me with open arms, grateful for the ancestors of my countrymen who treated them kindly, offered them food, and helped rebuild their shattered cities and world view. Denying Mauthausen means denying yourself the ability to move on, to move forward.

At one point in your life, if not more, you'll have a Mauthausen moment, the moment where you have to decide whether you are going to admit Mauthausen exists or keep pretending that it doesn't. You can acknowledge the signs or you can ignore them. You can see the virtues only or you can see something warts and all. You can help things fail, you can help evil things succeed either by acting outright to assist or by inaction against it. When we do not protest the establishment of Mauthausen, we essentially allow Mauthausens to be built in our lives, our minds, our communities, and our nations. Only you can make the decision about whether or not you acknowledge Mauthausen exists, and the people who know it's there will not understand you if you deny its existence. For those who deny the existence of Mauthausen, they cannot expect ANY common ground with those who recognize it; for those who recognize it, they must accept there is no convincing those who reject it. For the True Believer, they will either prove their ideology true or die trying. You see, admitting that Mauthausen exists means admitting all the thing that made it possible and admitting, even if you played no part in establishing it, you were complicit by inaction. In the end Mauthausen Moments are invitations to acknowledge truth, admit mistakes and seek correction and direction. Admitting Mauthausen is the first step in correcting the problems that it created and in redeeming those hurt by what happened there. The quote oft attributed to Edmund Burke seems prescient: "All that is necessary for the success of evil in this world is for good men to do nothing." The fact that good people didn't act allowed the Mauthausens of Hitler's Germany to be built, to spread, and to commit the atrocities for which they are known. When your Mauthausen Moment comes, you will learn about yourself, but more importantly the world will know you as you really are.

The Thirteen Particles of Faith

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At General Conference, President Nelson made reference to the notion taught by Alma to “exercise a particle of faith (Alma 32:27)”. As a scientist I teach classes about subatomic particles, or the smaller parts of which an atom is comprised. I submit therefore for your consideration the following particles of which Faith is comprised. This is only an initial list, and it is not to be construed that it I speak in any way for the Church or the Prophet. This list comes from personal revelation following that presentation. For inspiration for each of these particles I include a reference verse from Alma 32.

Particles of Faith Version 1 4 April 2021

1. Desire (verse 27) People make time for the things that match their true desires. If you can honestly no nothing more than desire to believe, to exercise faith, you will make time for the things that feed faith and for the fruits of faith to form. This is often the first particle of faith.

2. Decide (verse 28) Often the only option available in any situation is to decide what response you propose to propagate from here on out. The second particle of faith is to choose, to decide to have faith. Life is full of tough choices, and if we can choose the choicest things, we can enjoy the choicest consequences.

3. Trust (verse 31) With our limited perspective, faith is difficult to keep. Trusting in the Lord however is one of the essential elements to help faith grow and blossom. Without trust, people do not keep faith. So, one particle of faith asks us to trust in the grace, wisdom and timing of the Lord.

4. Effort and Action (verse 37) Faith is a principle of activity. We talk of “exercising faith” which means that movement and activity are essential. Nephi said he would Go and do, not sit and stew. We find that if we start exercising faith, it grows, just as if we exercise a muscle it does too.

5. Study (verse 12) It is almost impossible to maintain faith in something we do not really understand or know. Study is however twopart. In the first part, we must learn about that in which we have faith. In the second, we must come to know Him in whom we place our faith. You cannot love or trust someone you do not actually know, and that knowledge comes from study.

6. Prayer (verse 5) Given that faith is a belief in things we cannot actually empirically define, it belongs to the realm of philosophy. Prayer has always accompanied worship, and prayer affords us an opportunity to seek answers and clarity. On the road to salvation, let questions arise, but never doubts. If something is wrong, God will give you clarity. Doubts come from the devil.

7. Repentance (verse 13) Faith is killed by wickedness. So, in order for faith to grow, repentance is required. In terms of exercising faith, this is often the easiest particle of faith for people to exercise, and it is exercised by people of many faiths, including those beyond and tangential to Christianity. Repentance involves a reformation and a resolve to be a better person, and since that exalted state is part of our Faith, repentance is a particle of faith. As we trust Christ’s mercy and repent, we qualify to once again participate in ordinances once worthy, and these holy ordinances set up circumstances in which the Spirit can come and witness that our faith is real.

8. Commitment/Endurance (verse 13) Far too many people think that faith is an event. It is not only a process but a life-long journey. Faith is not attained all at once or in a single instant. That is knowledge. So, in order to press forward along the covenant path and continue in faith, we must commit ourselves to the principles and ordinances of the gospel. We must commit to keeping the commandments to show our faith and gratitude are real. Just as when you plant a vegetable seed, you must commit to water, weed, and nurture those seeds, you must commit to nurture the seed of faith.

9. Submissiveness (verse 16) It takes a great deal of faith to move mountains, but it takes a great deal more faith to not allow your mountains to move you. In your life there have to be challenges. You can break down or you can break through, and we break through by submitting our will to the Lord. It takes great faith to accept a disappointing answer or outcome, to acknowledge that His ways and thoughts and purposes are higher than ours, and that sometimes an unanswered prayer or a rejected request are actually for our benefit.

10. Humility (verse 6) Many people reject faith and religion generally, and many people use disappointments in the growing of their spiritual garden as rational to abandon the garden completely. Here in Vegas where the desert threatens to constantly destroy all life, it takes humility to do the work, to get on your hands and knees to dig and plant and dung and weed and nurture and, if necessary, to invoke the blessings of heaven on your feeble efforts. The proud do not plant the seed of faith, and the haughty do not persist long enough for it to grow. It takes a great deal of humility to make a man of faith, time and patience and practice, and for those who are too proud to do the work, their seeds will never grow.

11. Patience (verse 41) Sometimes the seed does not sprout as quickly as we like, and often there is no fruit in the first season. Every seed that grows in a garden, every little spark or new leaf or tiny node of growth is an increase that rewards our faith. Even fruits, if removed too hastily, may not be ripe and yield the rewards. Just because it has not happened yet does not mean it never will.

12. Respect for agency (verse 39) Some of the seeds of faith that we plant involve the agency of other people. We can have faith that others will accept our invitations, but we must respect their ability to govern themselves. If as part of our faith the outcome relies on the agency of another, it may not happen, not because our faith failed, but because their seeds have not grown yet if they ever will. God does not mess with free will, and all the faith in the world will not allow us to do so either.

13. Service (verse 1) How knoweth the man the master whom he has not served, who is a stanger to him? If you want your faith to grow, then you must follow the first admonition of the master to his disciples, the first and great responsibility we have to each other. In service, you get to know the master and the family of man. As you get to know others as they really are, your faith in the goodness of man increases. As your understanding in the goodness of man increases, you become more open to the goodness of God, and the fruit that service bears will blossom in you and cause your faith to increase.

As Alma taught, if you can only exercise one of these particles, do so. It will be enough. Part of faith is some faith, and it is exponentially superior to no faith at all. Some of these particles, like the subatomic particles whose existence inspires this list, will attract other particles due to their magnetic, electric, prophetic, or philosophical nature. All life has balance, and so, when one of these arrives, it will attract others that are like it. One major principle of chemistry is that like attracts like, and so once you have one particle of faith you can only get more. When or how many, I cannot say, but if you can only exercise and maintain one, others eventually will follow.

Of course this is only an initial list, but these individual ideas, which are particles of what Faith in Christ requires of us, will help us establish, nurture, grow and reap from our Faith. If you want to have faith you must have faith, but we learn that it takes only a little part to get more. From small things proceedeth that which is great. As the living Messiah, Christ compared faith to a mustard seed because it is a tiny particle that springs forth to a mighty tree. From any of these tiny particles of faith your faith can grow, and the more you spread the more likely you will have a mighty harvest, a healthy vineyard and the satisfaction of soul that comes only to people of faith. No matter your circumstances, if you can manage even one of these particles of faith, God will be able to magnify your blessings.