08 September 2017

Simply Satisfied

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Instead of jogging in a thunderstorm this morning, I thought it wise to use the time to finally return to blogging. I don't have anything particularly insightful to say, but I am realizing things about myself that bear repeating in case they're normal and you wonder if they're not. Many people say that I'm boring or pedantic, pedestrian or puritanical, but I really think it boils down to the fact that I'm a man in an adult body who acts like it. Adulthood is full of routine and responsibility, something that even people much older than I seem desperate to avoid, and I know that my life costs me opportunities because I take my responsibilities seriously. Since the start of fall term, however, I have found myself feeling almost every day as if I had a good day without anything spectacular or remarkable happening. Especially as we think of people reeling from disasters in Houston and Montana, I find that a few simple things each day make me feel like I really did have a great day. All it takes for me is to find a quarter in a vending machine abandoned by a student, successfully evacuate in the bathroom, and see a beautiful woman. I now that standard may seem small, but each of these things symbolizes something much bigger and helps me remember just how blessed I am.

For me, the quarter represents symbolically a "profitable" day. I mean, a quarter isn't worth much, but they're usually shiny, and it is something tangible that I can hold that made me "richer" that day. When my paycheck finally arrives, it will dwarf the quarter by a great amount, but for now, I hold something in my hand that is worth something. Many days, particularly over summer term when we run fewer classes and host fewer students and I find myself reading books in my office and listening to the radio, I feel a much lower sense of satisfaction with the day, as if it profited me nothing. If they are honest, I think most people desire their lives to have meaning, purpose, and value, and so in a visible way when I find a quarter I know that my life produced something of value that day. I looked back through my journal before bed from this same time in 2011, and I mused on the fact that I'm still really experiencing the same things, which means the lessons aren't really sinking in. Maybe my days aren't as valuable because I still haven't learned from them. Maybe just like most of these quarters were actually made years ago just like those memories I can finally learn something valuable from the past.

I know that a "successful evacuation" may seem like a very odd thing to celebrate let alone mention on a blog, but for me it shows me information about my physical state. As long as I remember, I've needed corrective lenses and I still struggle against stubborn belly fat, but for the most part I am in fantastic health. I know that good health is a form of wealth not universally enjoyed. I spoke yesterday to a friend from Miami to make sure she evacuated in advance of the hurricane, and I know that she hasn't really been able to use her legs since she was 14. She is in almost constant pain, and I can't really empathize because I'm actually a picture of health myself. Ok, so I'll never make it on a pinup calendar or Mr. Universe contestant, but I have all my limbs and faculties and could go running this morning if I wanted. I decided not to tempt fate and lightning just to stick to my routine. Some people can't make that choice because they are sick or wounded, halt or maimed, blind or deaf. Additionally, the quality of my evacuation tells me about my metabolism and my diet, and I can gauge whether I put something in my body that doesn't belong.

As we go through life and experience trials, sometimes we lose sight of the wonderful, beautiful, amazing things around us. Part of why I travel is to see the works Thy hands have made, the majestic vistas, sunsets, storms, and species that really cover the globe. It is a wonderful, beautiful world. Yes there is ugly and evil and difficult, but each day, I count it a success to see a beautiful woman, even if she doesn't see or acknowledge me. I saw something beautiful that day, and it reminds me that beauty does and can exist everywhere, anywhere, anytime. Maybe you find this shallow, but when I see beautiful women I thank God for creating something beautiful to "please the eye and gladden the heart". Sometimes it takes longer than i like to see one, which is odd considering the plethora of young and attractive women that I could encounter on a college campus, but the last few weeks since the semester started, I have caught myself taking stock of these three things and counting it a good day. There is beauty all around. There is beauty in every life, in every person, and some of the women probably don't believe they are as beautiful as they are. That doesn't mean their comportment matches their countenance, but it catches my eye and allows me to say that I saw something beautiful even when I don't travel, and even when I'm confined to my office, lab or building during the entire daylight portion.

Leonardo da Vinci is credited as saying "Simplicity is the ultimate sophistication". I live a simple life. Maybe you would consider it boring. Maybe you disagree. That's ok. I decided back in 2011 that I was ready for simple. I look for these three simple measurements of the day, and when they are met, I raise my eyes and my voice in prayer and thank God for a great day. I found something valuable, I register and remember my good health, and I celebrate something beautiful. That is actually, at least for me, a pretty good day. It enriches my wallet, my health, and my senses. At the end of the week when I'm tired, sometimes I feel like it's a pretty low standard, but simple isn't necessarily inferior. I have a simple life but a satisfactory one. "My needs are small, I buy them all at the five and ten cent store. Oh I've got plenty to be thankful for", and I am thankful. I don't need the sensory stimulation of others or the fat paychecks or nonstop entertainment. When it rained earlier this week, I actually took some time to sit out in a chair and just watch the drops wet the pavement. Simple may not be sophisticated to some, but it's satisfying to me.

28 July 2017

Entropy and Human Nature

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According to the laws of thermodynamics, all things devolve into chaos and disorder unless acted upon by an outside force. The same is true of human behavior. Unless we continue to preach, teach, expound, exhort, encourage, direct, correct, and recognize even the minor improvements, humans also devolve into their baser nature and act like every other animal. They will cheat, lie and steal to preserve their own. They believe that to the victor goes the spoils. They will kill their rivals to take mates, power, positions, shelters, or victuals. Everything devolves away from civilization unless civilized behavior persists. Civilized behavior starts with a moral and religious people. That's probably why America is on the decline, because "Our Constitution was made for a moral and religious people. It is wholly inadequate to the government of any other". Default human belief holds the conventional view that if we don't act, everything will be destroyed. Well, that's true, but the actions they propose have a short sighted end game in mind, an end game that is only far enough away to get them reelected. In fact, that's what politics is- applied rhetoric, where people persuade people to agree, where the best arguer wins and not the best idea, because the person who argues best is declared the winner. well, history is replete with examples of persuasive arguments that failed- the Spanish Armada, the Third Reich, HD DVD, every single Crusade, the guillotine, ad infinitum. Almost every time we rush, we fail, or at least we get something other than what we intended. Desireable outcomes come from deliberate and consistent action. However, that's not human nature. Everyone is actually, if left to themself, concerned with their own advancement, the rest of the people be damned, in particular people they dont' know or like. No matter what we like to think of ourselves, each of us is human, and human beings seem to be selfish, indigent, lazy, dishonest and debauched. It is not war that never changes. It is human nature that never really seems to change.

Changing human behavior without changing human nature is like hacking at the leaves of a problem rather than the roots. Until we address the root of the problem and deal with the enmity inherent in the natural man, in instinctual behavior, hacking at the leaves will not gain us any ground. In fact, I remember from graduate school learning that many plants, when the leaves are cut, increase root growth, and so I think in many cases we are making it worse by only attacking the leaves while allowing the problem to be even more firmly rooted in our society. Why do liberals insist on superficial and superfluous activity on the leaves? It's easy to hack at the leaves and people can see your work. I dug a palm tree out the first year after I bought this house because it was growing so it would block access to the front door, and it was a pain. Seems like every time I cut a root, four more would appear to replace it. It took weeks to dig this palm tree out, and nobody even noticed until it was gone because I did it after work, in the dark, and only as much as I felt like it that summer until I was too tired and hot to continue. Politicians aren't in office long enough for the correct plans to bear fruit, so they do things to look busy knowing that most people equate action with achievement. You may not like the Democrat party, but nobody can argue that liberals are very good at getting what they want into play. Liberals act first and think about it later, forcing everyone else to play "catch us if you can".

Instead of teaching virtue and trying to solidify the family, liberals preach about laws and try to solidify government. The world works from the outside in, hoping, erroneously, that if they change behavior it will change nature. Well, it is a canard that doing begets being, but being almost always begets doing. Not everyone who does the right thing is a good person, but good people do the right thing. When Democrats rammed through Obamacare, they told us that we had to "pass the bill to find out what's in it" but when the GOP wanted to replace it, the Democrats cried foul that they didn't get to see it first. How can they possibly honestly protest the things they do when done to them by others? It's because they don't understand human nature- that people tend to do unto others as others do unto them. If liberals really wanted to change the world for the better, they would not pass laws that disavow access to raw materials. They would work at teaching the most crucial raw material (people) to be responsible, to be honest, true, chaste, benevolent, and then those same liberals would set the example. instead, liberals show us that they, like humans naturally do, are willing to do whatever it takes as long as it doesn't cost THEM anything. Then they point out the mote in another's eye to distract your gaze from the beam in their own. I do care about children, women, sick people, and the poor. It is a fallacious argument to claim that unless I agree with you that I must not care about them. IN fact, when you quickly jump to an emotional argument, I know that your logic and reasoning is weak or else you would continue to defend your position on its merits without such a reducto ad absurdium.

Chaos erupts from an inequity between human nature and behavior because we all have different subsets of information and because some of what we know isn't actually true. Knowing that even if everything you know is true that you may not know all the truth, liberals appeal to emotion without evidence, selling people on a reaction to information rather than conclusions based on actual evidence. Even when you present them with evidence, they discount it if it doesn't corroborate what they already happen to believe. When new information comes to light, they either disregard it or say "oops" and assume they have been forgiven and set about to try again. For them, it's ok to be only human, but I never get to use that argument. All too often they excoriate me for an inability to perfectly live a standard they refuse to even attempt. Ordinarily, it's considered insanity to try the same thing twice expecting different results, but they keep trying to build a socialist utopia, despite all the other tyrannies that ended in failure, insisting that THEY are special, and that THEY will succeed. Perhaps that's why liberals keep lying and why for them the ends always justify the means. They believe honestly that they will succeed where others failed, that what they believe is and of a right out to be the only desireable outcome. Well, each of us values different things, and even when we value the same things, often we value them for different reasons. What if I don't like the ends or I am hurt by them? It's only a win for me if the outcome is desireable to me. Since their beliefs are ideological, and inherently selfish, if they are satisfied, they erroneously conclude that it is by definition virtuous, even if obtained by immoral means, even if other people are hurt, because they won.

I really like the guy who writes BirdandHike.com, but today I saw on his website that he thinks that if you want to protect and preserve access to public lands you ought to vote democrat. This is an argument from ignorance. The mine at Anniversary Narrows is a lithium mine, and the demand for lithium is driven largely by liberal democrats who equate lithium batteries with environmental responsibility. That is incredibly incompetent. I have seen the earthen works at Anniversary Narrows and Silver Peak, both of which are lithium mines, and those mines like most mines are MESSY. Consider also the pollution associated with making a battery and then generating energy to store in that battery, and the "environmental" movement is at least as harmful as the alternative. However, since the people driving the cars aren't creating the pollution, they conclude because they do not see it that it must not exist. What? Liberals who drive hybrid vehicles must sleep well at night knowing that although their cars are also polluting and killing the environment the pollution is created by other people, probably those evil republican corporations that own the mines, and so it must be ok. This straw man dinner theater somehow leaves liberals clean as a whistle and ladles the blame fully onto the evil GOP. Let's not forget that Barack Obama (D-IL) was president when the mine reopened and that both Sandoval (R-NV) and his predecessor were liberal RINOs. Somehow, everyone associated with diminished access to the area is liberal, but the GOP becomes the scapegoat and takes ALL the blame.

Human nature must be overcome by consistent and intentional correct training, which is why parents, families, and marriage matter so much. Behavior is learned by example, and the examples people see teach them how the world really works. Most people are born innocent, and although many of them are taught correct behavior, since their parents, peers, and patrons practice contrary to their preaching, people learn that in order to get ahead, you break the rules. Eventually they learn that connections mean more than achievement, that people can and will be bought, and that "it's only a crime if you get caught". Since so many people seem to escape the negative consequences of their actions, they think that nothing matters and do whatever they like. Fortunately for me, I didn't notice the way the world really was until I reached high school because my parents endeavored to live what they taught, and it wasn't until my activities extended beyond my own household that I noticed the duplicity. With so many people born out of wedlock, raised without a parent or by a surrogate, and taught by the sophistry of man, even when mingled with scripture, it ensconces the notion that hypocrisy is normal, acceptable and laudable. People must be held accountable for their actions as well as the consequences thereof. Just because a thing is legal doesn't mean it is moral. Just because we can do a thing doesn't follow that we ought to.

People must learn to do what they ought to do and be held to the fire to do so whenever possible. We excuse too many people and blame too many others. Our best athletes, musicians, clinicians, and artisans rise to prominence because their coaches and mentors hold them to high expectations. There is a good reason why teachers matter so much, because people need to be taught the best way to do something rather than a way that happens to work. Most people are not the exception; most people are the rule, and you're not probably going to be lucky enough like a coworker of mine to go to the same bar every Friday night and be approached by an attractive woman who exalts you like a king. Family is the crucible of correct civilization, so when the family is faulty, formed incorrectly, or fractured, and when the parents abandon their obligations to the tutelage of other influences, people do not do what they ought, sometimes because they don't know what they ought to do. Entropy says that we end up sharing the least common denominator, so the further we are from ideal the further our behavior will be from ideal. This renders utopia impossible, because people who cannot conceive of or understand what utopia looks like cannot possibly be expected to build it.

Someone once said that "power corrupts and absolute power corrupts absolutely." Indeed it is the sad disposition of almost all men that as soon as they obtain the least scintilla of power as it were they immediately begin to exercise unrighteous dominion. Most of this unruly and unrighteous behavior is about power- about establishing our dominance as a species and in a tribe of our own species. People are mean to people in order to get power- stealing, murdering, coveting, disobeying, backtalking, etc., are all parts of asserting dominance. It is concluded among our species because it is true among the others that the last man standing is in charge. So, they shout down opponents, attack their character, attack them with intent of bodily harm, in a bid to appear to be the best. They are proud without principle. Just because you are principle among a people does not follow that you are a principled person. Principles must be connected to actions. That is why I believe in Constitutional government and why I defy liberalism. Nothing convinced me more that liberalism was the philosophy of hell, the philosophy of chaos, as reading CS Lewis' "The Screwtape Letters". As I read those pages and then listen to liberal politicians prattle, it's as if I hear Screwtape, Wormwood, or Lucifer himself trying to persuade me that they can build on earth, which is fallen, the utopia that heaven alone can sustain. Chaos and disorder are normal. They are the rule unless your rulers are people of principle, people whose actions actually lead to the outcomes they claim. It is however human nature to do whatever it takes to get ahead, and that's how you know who the base among you truly are.

25 July 2017

Genius and Debauchery

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One of our adjuncts talked with me about James F Watson of DNA Double Helix fame and gave me information I didn't already know. Since becoming a professor, I have defended Dr. Watson against spurious accusations of professional impropriety, but now I learned about the rest of his story and the unspoken reasons why Watson did and believes as he does. Bernie's major professor in graduate school was a classmate of Watson back in the 1950s who described Dr. Watson as a "veritable horndog" who would chase any woman any time for any reason. As we talked, I realized that many of the people we consider to be genius in their field were also debauched to the point of almost moral bankruptcy, which explains their concomitant ability to do whatever it took to succeed. In fact, isn't that who we usually consider to be elite- those willing to do whatever it takes? Along the way, everything else is important only for the moment it remains in focus, as these geniuses focus single-mindedly on the only thing that actually matters to them- whatever makes them great.

Michael Phelps
Like most athletes, Phelps got into drugs and women as a consequence of his catapult to stardom. However, he doesn't really care about any of that. What he really cares about is swimming. He wanted those medals. Everything else was coincidental and consequential to his athleticism. If you spent six hours every day swimming, you would probably also be as attractive and find yourself surrounded by beautiful women. Of course, none of them mean anything to him, which is why he didn't spend more than a single night with them and essentially regards them as immaterial strangers since more will come. If you swam that much, you would probably be ravenously hungry too, but Phelps apologized for smoking pot, not because he found it immoral, but because it put his athletic career and olympic prospects at risk. He quit something bad only because it threatened the only thing about which he actually cares.

Albert Einstein
Everyone knows the unkempt, frazzled-haired genius who described the behavior of matter and energy in the universe. What they may not know is that in describing our universe he destroyed his own. Albert had at least one son and one wife, both of whom he essentially abandoned in order to pursue science. Along the way, he also had a series of illicit affairs and fathered other children, but none of them really seem to mean anything either to him or the world. The state of chaos associated with his desk attests to the fact that he really didn't care about learning to tie his shoes, drive a car, cook, or clean up. Those things detracted too much from his scholastic research. He even had an escort to make sure that he didn't wander out into oncoming traffic, so focused was he on his "genius".

Franklin Roosevelt
Although largely deserving of gratitude for helping America roll back the Axis powers, a lot of the methods used in arriving thereat come under question regarding their morality and expediency. Many of you know that Korimatsu v. United States deals with the illegal incarceration of Americans of Japanese descent as dissidents. President Roosevelt was also a pathological liar who led America to believe that he was perfectly fine when in fact he was a cripple. What kind of an example is that for the handicapped in America- a man who would not confess his and excoriated others for theirs? He was also somehow a bully, who threatened judges to comply or be replaced in their Supreme Court seats until he bludgeoned them into compliance. Held up as a great humanist, it was his idea to develop and use the atomic bomb on our enemies. Imagine if he were a Democrat today! His target might be Trump Tower.

Rosalind Franklin
One of the reasons Watson was able to "steal" Franklin's work is because she was in a relationship at one point with James Watson. Her only interest was in X-ray diffraction, and so when Watson asked her associate Wilkins for access to the image, Wilkins complied. Franklin didn't care what they meant; she only seemed interested in creating them, which eventually lead to her death from exposure. She was marginalized by Watson who excluded her from credit for the Double Helix model, but to my knowledge she never officially protested. It was simply ancillary to her work creating images of things you could not otherwise visualize, and once the pictures were "taken" she seemed completely disinterested in their disposition.

Benjamin Franklin
Well known liar and womanizer, Franklin was never educated, but he convinced France that he was an American Doctor and inventor. True, he had a keen mind, but if you ask Thomas Jefferson, who has his own skeletons, Jefferson couldn't stand working with him because he would entertain the attention of every woman in France, married or not, and had incestual relationships at least allegedly with several. Franklin was incontinent in some ways, rarely exercised, ate decadently, and engaged in all sorts of immorality, then he helped write a Constitution fit for a "moral and ethical people". Paradoxical. I had more difficulty embracing him as a Founder and Framer than any other of the men of '76.

Mark Zuckerberg
Zuckerberg not only dropped out of college, but he became rich for creating a website meant to track who was currently having sex with whom. The entire premise behind Facebook as a part of Harvard life was to keep track of who was available to hook up for a fling. I guess so many people are driven by hormones that it caught on, grew, and somehow grew profitable. Now it's a means by which to become famous, albeit for a moment and albeit sometimes for embarrassing reasons, it encourages people to waste time on feelings rather than anything substantive and encourages and enables debauchery. Facebook censors conservative commentary, but if you want to spread child porn or advertise for Muslim extremism, Facebook will leave your page alone in the name of "free speech".

Errol Flynn
Renowned womanizer and heavy drinker, Errol Flynn died young at the age of 50. If you watch "Don Juan" you can see him shortly before he died, apparently and acutely aware of the consequences of his choices, but still unwilling to abandon the largess that lead to his ultimate demise. Did he ever quit? No, and his only known son followed suit but died as a war correspondent during WWII probably at the hand of Japanese soldiers.

Nikola Tesla
Often lionized by those who feel slighted by his marginalization in favor of Edison, Tesla was no paragon. He was addicted to billiards and rarely ever slept. He was exceptionally critical of people who were overweight, openly calling them out and in mean fashion. One wonders what he might have thought of Ben Franklin... Although some reference his belief that women were superior to men, they seem to forget that in later life he was extremely critical of women whom he perceived willing to trade feminism for power. Paradoxical since Tesla sought so much power. He was obsessive compusive, and demanded dinner precisely at 8:10 PM. He was also rude, one time calling a friend in the middle of the night for an audience while he talked out a problem with a theory after which, once solved, he promptly hung up. He believed in eugenics and selective breeding, but I never hear his fans mention his similarities with National Socialists. He disdained religion, but claimed that he would see visions and flashes that inspired his work. Tesla was essentially a man of vision who saw no real purpose in receiving them. In essence, he was two-faced.

William Shakespeare
Prolific playwright, Shakespeare abandoned his family in Stratford on Avon to work in London, having a series of alleged affairs, which may be the muse behind some of his more famous works. Before winning the patronage of Queen Elizabeth, he routinely bilked patrons by using their money for drink and debauchery and writing plays for other people to whom he was in arrears for work, the funding for which he already squandered. In fact, Elizabeth probably spared him from the shank or the gallows, and at the very least from debtor's prison, but his behavior didn't really stop. It just changed venue.

One thing is consistent about the people considered genius. They found their niche. If not for that, they would largely just be schmucks. What unites most of them is their debauchery- that most famous and powerful and rich and influential people are morally bankrupt in their debauchery, and we only know about them because they got lucky. If not for the chance to become famous, they would just be more schmucks who gave in to the natural order of instinct and followed their emotions and hormones to do whatever they liked when they felt like it because they could. As the Bard wrote, "the evil that men do lives after them. The good is oft interred with their bones" and President Lincoln once said that "If you look for the bad in mankind expecting to find it you surely will." Genius is nonsynonymous with virtue, and in fact it seems that in order to be a genius one must essentially eschew a life of virtue. Unfortunately, people only seem to look for the evil in people they don't like and see only the good in people they truly do like. Perhaps that is the truest genius...

20 July 2017

Classic Canards

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Enroute to work this morning, one of my radio stations entertained a caller as they do every Thursday who solicits input from the listening audience on a conundrum. Today's caller was a woman who wants to date a married man who called asking for feedback but who apparently really sought cheerleaders to endorse a decision already reached. In the City of Sin, she apparently thought that the listeners would tell her to "do what feels right", "just follow her heart", and do whatever is best "for her", since that's what she intended to do. Both she and I were surprised that most people thought she was bound for heartache owing to the logical fallacies she entertained in order to even consider this option. No matter what, she was going to date this guy, it was going to work out for her, and it didn't matter to her what facts contravened her expectations, who else might be hurt or at least inconvenienced by her single-mindedly selfish search for satisfaction. I was glad other people called her out for her nincompoopery and the canards that mislead so many other people. It is inhumane to continue the lie that rations the niceties of logical fallacy, that ignores empirical fact that this kind of behavior is not sustainable in a civilized society.

This woman labors under the mephistophelean argument: Heads I win; tails you lose. No matter what, she was going to be right. She was going to date him anyway, she was just hoping people would call in and support her decision so she could feel better. Instead, she took the opposition to mean that she was doing right on the auspice that opposition mounts most often when you are reaching a desirable and noble end. Well, that's true in MORAL things, but what she's doing isn't moral at all. Most of the respondents were critical, and I was frankly surprised that even the show hosts were critical since it's not exactly a paragonal program. Most people seem to think that she will crash and burn. I hope she does, not because I have any animus towards her, but for another reason altogether. No matter what they say, she was going to press forward, and no matter what happens, she will not be bound by any of their prophetic pronouncements. No matter what she wins. If it fails, she can lay the blame on others for "poisoning the universe against her" with their "negative thoughts", and if it works out, she can take credit for being smarter than all the nay-sayers. No matter what, it's a good idea and you are just hating on her or wish to deny her her happiness if you don't license and lend support to her cause. No matter what, it's not her fault and all the glory is hers. This argument based on emotion, on selfish search for satisfaction ignores the things you don't control and blames any outside influence for interference. It's the canard that accompanies every failed effort that amounts to nothing more than an ideological pursuit for utopia.

It boggles my mind how many people feel that no matter who is hurt in the process that the ends always justify the means. She labors under the delusion that she can build a sure relationship on the ashes of a former failed one. Men are told that a woman who will cheat on their other relationship with us will also cheat on us for someone else. I am sure that also applies to women, but this woman insists that he's not cheating and will never cheat. She knows what she wants, and she will doggedly pursue it no matter what. I cannot comprehend why so many people will bend heaven and earth to pursue and then maintain relationships with people who are aberrant and abhorrent morally and who will bend over backwards avoiding a relationship with me. The male caller they took on the show was dating three women at once while married, and everyone knew except his wife. So, he's out there schtuping three different women, and this woman caller wants to be the affair with another guy, but meanwhile I cannot get a date to save my life. However, something tells me that I wouldn't want any of these women anyway because the means they propose do not lead to the ends I seek. I have previously opined the maladjusted notion that delicious food can come from spoiled ingredients, but these people are all inherently selfish. It's all about what they want to be true, the actual facts and truth and opinions of others be damned. Unfortunately, this isn't the attitude of a spouse and partner; this is the attitude of a teenage girl, and no man of substance wants to date a teenage girl because teenage girls are never happy. In fact, it is not true that there are no good people to date, it's that so many people are competing for the attention of those already taken. A misbegotten notion exists that if someone is taken, they are desirable and we by extension ought desire them too. It makes as much sense as fighting over a single piece of cake when the rest of the cake remains available. You cannot build on earth, which is fallen, using the sophistry of man a utopia that heaven and its laws alone can sustain.

Most people are not the exception, they are the rule, or else the exception would be the rule. If dating married people always worked, nobody would date single people, because statistically single people are undesirable as aforementioned. Of course, then why would a married man want this unmarried woman, but that's overthinking it, isn't it? Most people discouraged it because natural law dictates that her efforts will likely end in failure, heartache, and disappointment, and then she will excoriate all men as pigs when the fault lies with her for following a false premise and promise. He's already broken promises to his betrothed; what makes her different? She's special, and things ought to work out for her because she's her. You don't really know all the faults of a person until you live with them, and in that tender point of their courtship, she probably sees him with rose-colored glasses as someone who can do no wrong, who is misunderstood or underappreciated by his wife, and that this woman can and will by extension do better. What hubris! What narcissism! Her opinions are unhinged from moral roots, from reality itself, caught up in the delusion that fairy tales are still real at least for her. What is she, six? If it works, she will doubtless not consider herself fortunate, lucky, or the exception but will consider herself exceptional, omniscient, and omnipotent. She will take this as a sign that she is always right about everything. This naivete is common to and defining of young people, and although I don't really know her age, by now she should know better than to think that people fart rainbows and vomit skittles. I cannot believe how fully she capitulated to contrarian canards of logic that she will be special, that he really loves her, that it will be different with her than with the current wife. Why do we delude ourselves? Why do we ignore all pretense at logic when in love and see only what we wish to see? This adolescent attitude and argument was met with appropriate scorn and disfavor from the listening audience. One woman went so far as to excoriate the woman as the worst person she's ever met (notwithstanding they have never met), which I felt was a bridge too far, but I digress. Before the hosts returned the program to music, even they predicted and prophesied misery and woe for this woman. I would love to see how her story plays out, but we only hear about the ones that do. Dating sites parade on the successful without telling you how many are failures. Mark Zuckerberg is heralded as a financial wizard when he's really a reprobate college drop out who built a financial empire on coitus, since that's what his social network was originally designed to do. These people are not the rule or EVERYONE would be rich, famous, or happy.

I know this may seem odd coming from a man who is himself divorced, but my marriage did not fail because I quit it. It failed because my wife quit the marriage and refused to entertain any effort on my part to repair the breaches, real or imagined, that led to her feelings of slight. With my cynicism came wisdom, that I am not the exception, that it is not all about me, and that only right things done for right reasons bring outcomes that I actually desire to keep. Rather than blame her or seek to rationalize or excuse myself, I took ownership of my faults and asked others for wisdom, and eventually I listened. At no point did I ever seek a relationship outside the confines of matrimony while married. In fact, that's how I got closure from most of my relationships; as soon as they married or moved in with someone else, it no longer mattered. Any romantic feelings I might entertain needed to die, and I let them, because to entertain them put their marriage at risk, even if that marriage was one of Common Law. I will not be the scapegoat for any failed marriage. I will not deserve the scorn that comes to a homewrecker. My late friend Tracie sought my affections while married, and she was totally taken aback when I declined.  After her divorce when she no longer seemed interested, I knew I had made the right move.  I truly hope that woman are not all this stupid, or else no wonder I can't find one I desire to keep, and it's no wonder that none of them are interested in doing what it takes to keep me. In their minds everything does and of a right ought to revolve around them. We all know that's not a persuasive argument even if it is a pervasive one. People like this are the problem- in religion, in relationships, in commerce, in philosophy, and especially in politics because, more often than not, if you think that you cannot possibly be wrong, you are, because pride comes before destruction.

21 June 2017

Musing Without a Muse

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I haven't had much to say by way of posts lately. Partially that's because I'm lazy. Partially that's because it's over 110F here, and I'm pretty drained. In truth, it's because I lost my muse, and I don't care so much about anything any more.

Most famous art, whether you like it or not, was inspired by something or someone. Most of the things people do, they do to obtain attention from or draw attention to that person or thing. It's called a muse, and it's the audience of many songs, the model of many paintings, and the impetus behind many actions. Sometimes, the muse isn't virtuous. Some men do things because a king leads them, because they are bored, because someone promises them money or fame, or because they simply feel like it. Sometimes it's motivated by a person, and when that person leaves, some time passes before we find a muse to motivate us to keep up with our art.

I first noticed the change last fall. I didn't really register it until March of this year, when I suddenly cared a lot less about whether or not I ever saw my muse again. When I realized that she didn't really exist anymore, that was the end. The person I miss no longer really exists. She decided to walk a path that renders the woman I knew incongruous with her choices. Now that the person I miss cannot really return, I find myself without much motivation to care especially about anything. I don't care about anything. I don't value anything. Sure, I'm not going to change my opinions or be silenced, but I'm also not really motivated to stick out my neck for anything or anyone in particular.

Today I watched coworkers slink out of work early. I don't really know why. I know most of them just sat at home in the air conditioning. I don't know why they are working and why they leave work when I know that they don't really have anything about which they are passionate. Last night, I watched "Operation Petticoat" and when the nurses come aboard the Sea Tiger, the men comment on how they finally know why they are fighting. i have everything i really want. My only friend moved to Ohio, and I think I might be settling into my "mid life crisis", if I'm going to have one, but I really don't care enough to change my clothes, my car, or anything about my life. I just don't have anything about which to care.

There are some posts in the drafts section, but I am holding off on them because they are either cynical or political, and both of those things create negative feelings and emotions. I wanted this blog to be a place of inspiration and hope, to show how I overcame obstacles and forged ahead, but I find myself mostly working off my keester just to maintain the status quo. I will continue to say what I really think and be who I really am, but I'm becoming more Don Quixote than I like, as much as I admire the character, and that concerns me.

For the next few weeks, I'm engrossed in a research project. It will keep me busy during the day. Even the campus locksmith acknowledged today that she doesn't see me much. I'm off campus for a few hours every MWF, and then I'm stuck in the instrument room for a couple more. It's all very exciting. Maybe afterwards I'll feel like writing again and find something about which I feel strongly to write.

09 May 2017

Too Much Exercise

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Since Nevada forced me to wear a Fitbit and prove I wasn't "too fat" because I was sedentary, I have obsessed over the feedback it gives me. I have also obsessed over reaching new heights and beating goals, mostly to beat myself. Yes, I compare my steps to some friends, and I enjoyed impressing some Brits at Yellowstone when I told them I was very proud of my two 45,000 step days. Of course, my best friend from high school marveled at my weekly totals, but he's doing more important things with his life and time. Exercise, when it goes to an extreme, is no longer about good health, being a good mate, or just routine health maintenance, because it becomes about YOU. Eventually, you exceed the capacity of your body, your genetics, to reach an arbitrary fitness ideal. That ideal becomes the goal, rather than fitness a means, and we become obsessed with exercise, essentially as addicted to it as other people are to drugs. They tell us to do all things in moderation, including moderation, but you can't always see yourself as you really are when you're in the middle of things.

Like most people who exercise, I do this for me. The problem is that too many people do it in order to vaunt themselves rather than as a means to improve themselves. I read today about the "revenge diet", in which people who lose their significant other turn their suffering into motivation to get in shape. However, this is about pride, about what CS Lewis called "the pleasure of appearing to be the best". For many years, I have maintained that a man who has the physique over which women drool does not do so for a single woman; he does so to get attention from as many women as possible. We know that's true with many women, particularly those who use their beauty to purvey pornography or sell salaciousness. I suspect many people who do this are doing it so they can brag and say, "look what you lost" or "look what you'll never get to have". It's not about being better for the sake of being better, it's so they can shove it in the face of someone they claim they loved that they traded down. Well, the women I dated "traded down" in my opinion, but they ended up with guys who were what they truly desired, and I am happy for them. I am unwilling to go to the effort required to be a body builder, and I don't care for the attention it might garner, so for the one who married her husband because he had a waist under 30", more power to you. I enjoy exercising, and I feel bad on days when I don't. I notice changes for the better. However, no matter what I do, I weigh around 203lbs all the time. I'm fighting genetics, and this is my "healthy" exercising weight and size.

Too much causes short term and long-term physical risk. Everyone wants to be attractive, but few of us have the genetics to be olympians or underwear models. Still, society preaches that we ought to be, and so we push beyond the wise limits of our genetic makeup rather than playing to our strengths. Even if we take care of ourselves, other forces conspire against us. As my step count rises, my shoes wear out. I burn through a pair of shoes every four months. However, before I realize I need to replace them, they lose the ability to cushion me, and as a consequence I hurt my foot a few summers ago. It was difficult to walk, to drive, to hike, and racquetball was out of the question. Anything done to excess portends problems. Later on, I possibly got sick running in bad weather. My obsession with fitness eventually started to become counterproductive, and I knew I needed to walk it back. I didn't. It's one thing I control, so I pressed forward and reached longer stretches of intense activity. I started doing this, in the summer of all times, to keep busy, to keep out of trouble, and to keep my mind off the Heartbreak of 2013. Soon, however, I began to do so intentionally to exhaust myself. The Music Man taught me "the idle brain is the devil's playground", so I would exercise to the point of exhaustion. On days when I don't have late class, I frequently fall asleep early, like around 9PM, because my body knows it doesn't need to do anything. Well, last weekend, after a record-breaking week of 256,000 steps, I went up to St. George to get out of town. Well, since you sit while driving and it was late at night, my body decided it was ok to shut down some non-essential functions like my eyes and rest, which is a huge issue driving at night in the Virgin River Gorge. A landmark study showed that prolonged periods of exercise have long-term consequences on health, leading to decreased quality of life later in exchange for peak fitness today. I have long wondered why so many endurance and performance athletes actually look unhealthy. Now I have an answer as to why.

Eventually, too much exercise becomes an end rather than a means. Even I now view the fitbit as an end rather than a tool. At first, I worked out to earn the incentive offered by insurance for meeting the fitness criteria provided. It earned me almost $1200/year in savings from my health insurance premiums, so I looked at it as getting paid $25/week to exercise, which was fantastic. Later, it became a way to compete in 5k, 10k, triathlons, and in preparation for difficult hikes. I managed to get back to a 33" waist and meet or beat all of the bloodwork goals that NV sets as standards for fitness, but it wasn't enough to impress people. So, it became the end itself. I tried to wear myself out every day so that I wouldn't have time for any pain besides physical. It was something I measured, that I controlled, and that I could achieve without other people, so I tried to beat myself. The first time I accidentally got to 39000 steps, I went out for a walk around the block just to get to 40k. Now, I get upset if I don't break 200k steps/week, and it is now the end rather than the means. Now, I obsess about getting a certain number of steps, of being up and about, and the fitness apps aren't any help. They alert you if you aren't active every hour, and they encourage you to compare yourself with friends. I know it's supposed to create motivation, but I'm already motivated. On Sunday, the day of rest, I get more steps than most people get in a regular day when they exercise. I find these new apps to be deleterious to the prescient participation in sports rather than encouraging. Pride gets no pleasure out of having a thing, only out of having more of it than the next man (CS Lewis). I even smugly look on prior days when I get more. I walk rather than run because running steals steps from me, and some days I walk the equivalent of 20 miles. Good thing I'm not also carrying a 130lb rucksack and fighting for my life.

Even a virtue, carried to an extreme, becomes a vice. Exercise is good for your health, water is good for your health, but too much of either can actually hurt you physically, emotionally, etc. I mean, in many cases, I am so much more interested in steps, so that I know I really care about someone when I'm willing to disrupt my routine to make time for them. The steps are THAT important. I am interested, not in health, but in steps. I am so interested in steps that I take more than I should under conditions that are bad for it and put my other health aspects and my life in jeopardy sometimes. Although I don't usually publish my success and I'm not competing with friends through apps to show who is the "most fit" I do compete with myself. I have 586 days with 30k steps, 282 days with 35k steps, 29 days with 40k steps, and my 2 days of 45k steps. As of January 2017, I logged 12,400 miles walking. I feel good about these achievements. I also feel tired. I wish I had something else towards which to strive. I believe in chi^2, goodness of fit, so I'm not interested in a revenge body. I want to live well if I live to be old, so I am not interested in doing the Ironman and risking my own death just to be average in a group of super athletes. I want something else out of life besides living a long one. Exercise doesn't mean as much. My high school friend is a bishop, a husband, and a father, and that's far more important. Besides, someone who really likes me will think the sun shines out my arse even if I'm a little fatter than maybe she or I would like.

02 May 2017

Unexpected Return

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When my fortune cookie last week prognosticated that "an old friend will return to your life" I admit my skepticism. Fortune cookies are notoriously unreliable for many reasons, but I read them anyway just for the halibut. Last night, before class, when someone unexpectedly called my name and walked towards me, I swore she looked vaguely familiar. I don't have many friends, and I don't usually have many people come back for any reason other than to borrow money, and so it was a great surprise to see Jennifer after several years, and she was surprised what I remembered about her and about the time when we knew each other. Usually I don't get to see other people's perspective on shared experience, because they leave before they tell me. Usually I don't get to see people again unless they need a loan or a letter of recommendation or some other sort of help before they vanish again into the nether regions of memory and time. Usually I don't get to feel what I expected it is like to see people you love again after a long period of separation, people who know private and intimate things about your attitudes and passions, because the people with whom I share those things have all married other men only to never return. Sometimes people come into our lives only for a season, and sometimes that season is shorter than we like. Sometimes they come back, and I'm curious to find out why Jennifer of all people returned.

It's interesting what people remember about your history together. Jennifer told me that she recognized my voice. Well, I didn't recognize hers, but I did remember that she's the one who suggested I go look at the house where I have lived since, even though she doesn't remember giving me that tip. As I mentioned, she was surprised that I knew her current last name; well, I remember when she introduced me to her husband and that I disproved, but it wasn't my decision or my consequences, so I let her do what she liked with her life. I didn't realize she knew where I lived, but I was touched that she had tried to find me and even remembered that I didn't use my real name on Facebook when I had an account. She couldn't find it because I deleted it four years ago almost exactly, so there was nothing to see. It's nice sometimes to meet up with someone from your past and find that they not only remember you well but that they still think highly of you even after all these years. You see, things and people do change, and all too often the evil that men do lives after them.

Honestly, most people who return do so in order to gain some benefit. Unlike those people, Jennifer is the only woman who ever borrowed money from me who paid it back. I don't think she actually expected to run into me, and I doubt very much that she spoke to me in the hope of some personal advantage. Even when we knew one another, she was actually independent, and she prided herself on the fact that, although her parents essentially disowned her when she converted, she paid her own way in honest employ and overcame most challenges without any help. Our friendship was one of the few that really reached what Aristotle wrote of as the highest form of friendship- for shared principles, but we would also commiserate and converse about anything and everything, and when a woman I liked broke my heart in 2009, Jennifer defended me and took my side, which is rare in my experience. Then again, she did that with others, and if anyone had ever written advertising for me about why you should date me, hers might have been the most laudatory, which is why I helped her when she needed it. I drive by the bank sometimes where we met for her to repay me in full, and on time I might add, and think about how embarassed she was to have to ask and how small she must have felt to know only one person in a position to help without guile. It was hard when her husband felt threatened by that.

Like almost everyone, Jennifer and I parted ways because her family didn't like me very much. She and I met shortly after she converted to my Faith when I was assigned to minister to her as a fledgling member of the Faith. Naturally, her family was upset about her baptism, but she valiantly stood her ground and followed her impressions anyway even though she had been an atheist only six months before we met. Subsequently, her friends didn't like me because they, like Jennifer, were all latina, and I'm a Nord, but after some of them met me, they were impressed and sort of let it go since they no longer viewed me as a threat to their station. Finally, when she met her now husband, he protested our association, because he felt insecure about the kind of relationship Jennifer and I enjoyed. I wasn't interested in her romantically, and she wasn't interested in me, but he didn't want to take that chance, and shortly after they got together, he wisked her off to Idaho. Although Jennifer and I weren't bosom buddies who did a lot together, she was a kindred mind, someone with whom I could talk about anything, and she would make time for me. I suspect she regarded me as a trusted older brother given that I was about eight years or so her senior. As someone ostracized from her actual family, she probably appreciated having someone she trusted without an ulterior motive with whom to spend time and on whom to spend effort until someone wow came along for her to pursue romantically. It's too bad he never gave me a chance, but it's actually the rule rather than the exception that he did.

Since I was late to class, I gave her my phone number and rushed off. I don't know what this will actually produce. I keep telling myself that people who are important will return, so maybe Jennifer's season in my life isn't over, whatever that means exactly. It was unexpected. More than anything, Jennifer didn't ask me for money. Maybe she will yet, but she didn't last night, and I appreciate that. Maybe she really was and is my friend. So very few people from my past made it to my present. Most of them lasted only a year or two before vanishing into the ether from whence they initially sprang, and since Tracie cannot return from the grave, Jennifer is the only other woman I met here who knows anything firsthand of my proclivities, personality, and private thoughts. She has seen things most people never do, and it might be nice even if I only see her sparingly to see someone kind, someone good, and someone supportive from my past even if it's not romantic in nature. At the very least, I can hardly believe that my fortune cookie was true. Even a broken clock is right twice per day.

01 May 2017

Doug Does Dumb Things

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Last Saturday, I decided to drive up to Mt. Charleston to hike in preparation for my summer volunteering. Since I like to actually look like I am fit and since the mountain is more difficult than my regular hikes, I like to make a few trips up to the Bristlecone loop and carry a backpack with rocks just to get myself in shape for the more arduous terrain. I was also tired of the people down in the valley and thought it would be hot, and knowing the mountain to be cooler even without snow and cheaper since you don't need a pass to get in, I decided to drive up and stick to my routine. Except the day was anything but routine. This was probably the most difficult hike I've ever done at Charleston Peak. Last year, we hiked up in April at night to watch the sun rise, and as dangerous as the dark is, at least the trail was clear. This was not. It wasn't just blocked, but it was iced. I told myself I'd hike to the snow line, but in truth the snow line was visible from the parking area, so I went further than that of course to stave off boredom, and that's what I did. At least it was only I. Nobody else was put in jeopardy because my brow was brass, and even I wasn't hurt.

I knew there would be obstacles, but obstinately went anyway. It was maybe a half mile in when I felt for the first time the full impact of low oxygen levels. Since that trail starts at 8200 feet and the top of Red Rock is 6700 feet, any amount of summer hiking fails to adequately prepare me for the elevation. I stopped a lot more often than I like. Sometimes I stopped for literal obstacles in the path, but not willing to take that as a sign, I decided to climb over the giant ponderosa pine that came up to my waist and continue on, and so at about a mile in, I already cut my leg. When I arrived in the parking lot it was a balmy 38F and breezy, and I was woefully underdressed in shorts and a short sleeve golf shirt, but I had my heater (backpack) and just told myself I'd walk faster, and the last half would be in the sun anyway. Well, the snow made walking faster impossible, and the snow or really ice meant that the air all around me was cold, and I burned more calories in the six mile loop than I usually do in a day, probably just shivering to keep warm.

Although I knew the dangers, I pushed on. I probably should have turned back when I hit that first switchback and had to grab a tree to keep from sliding down the embankment, but I told myself that it would be fine in the sun, that the snow wouldn't be so bad. Well, it got worse, and it kept getting worse until going forward was just as bad as going backwards. There were about a half dozen stretches where the trail was completely covered with 1-3 feet thick drifts of ice, hard enough that I couldn't use my boots to kick in for a better footing, so I hoped that the footings from others headed the opposite direction and days before would accomodate my path. Several sections the ice stretched so far that I couldn't see the end, anywhere from 10-30 meter sections, and although I used my hands to steady myself, I found my hands go numb through my gloves. It was cold enough my camera stopped working. My stupidity never failed me. Despite all of that, I said a quick prayer to God and then trusted that if this was my final day I'd at least die doing something I liked, even if I did freeze to death in a cell phone dead zone.

Unwilling to change my plans to accommodate others, I went alone. I hike all the time. What could happen- so you die a little? Nobody really knew exactly where I was, and my family would have wondered if I didn't show up Sunday to get them at the airport, but I really didn't feel like I should put my life on hold even for safety reasons. When I finally encountered people, I warned them, but if they disregarded my warnings, I can't blame them. I essentially said, "Do as I say, not as I do" since I'd already crossed *successfully* the section I advised they avoid. "Well if that idiot can do it, we can..." One looked relieved. Some looked disappointed. The last couple, the oldest people I met, looked like they took it as a challenge. They probably made it. So, I came across as that feral hypocrite who wanders the woods aimlessly and warns people of spooks in the elderberries. There was neither anybody young on the trail or anyone attractive. It seems like the elements dissuade all but the most foolish or dedicated from making an attempt to conquer nature. True, it's rare to still have this much snow in April here, but we did have a banner year, and the mountain has snow above 8400 feet in more places than you think. It was beautiful.

All too often, in life, we get in over our head. Unable or unwilling to see the dangers, we press on into paths unknown or unadvised because we can or because we think we're the exception. Unable or unwilling to forsee things, we go unplanned. Unable or unwilling to admit our faults, we go it alone. What need have we for a Savior? People warn us. People teach us. We have our own experiences. We know we've had close calls. We get into trouble again. Still all too often we don't reach out and insist that this is something that we can do. We're amazing, and even if we are, sometimes the mountains conquer us instead. This past week, some mourned the loss of a veteran Swiss mountaineer who was defeated in Nepal. Of course, he liked to hike in record time, but the principle remains the same. Eventually we get in over our head and either die or need rescue. Fortunately, I got down without incident, but that's not to say I didn't receive a rescue effort. I can't with certitude say that God didn't help me. If He decided not to, I wouldn't be surprised. I wasn't that stupid in Alaska. At church yesterday, one of the leaders admitted some deep-seated faults and asked me if I didn't like him. I told him that we all need the Savior. Just because you don't know my faults doesn't mean they don't exist. Doug does dumb things too.

06 April 2017

No Other Gods

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A plenipotentiary of interested, albeit unaffected, people tell me sometimes that I should abandon my Faith, and I think I found the best way to answer their concerns and yours if you feel like you are in that place. Fascinatingly, I was thinking this weekend about Moses and the Exodus, and I realized that it's the same story on a different scale, and that these people are doing the same things that the children of Israel did. While it is true that I am mistreated by members of my Faith and subject to some curious provisions of the bylaws, I am not going to leave. Some think I'm in the wrong congregation, the wrong Faith, that maybe I follow the wrong God or that perhaps I should create my own. Well, you don't know me very well, and some of them don't know their own religious tradition well either. The story of the Exodus is sometimes overemphasized in terms of the plagues and leaving Egypt without dwelling enough on the path they trod between bondage and prosperity. There is only one way to get from Egypt to the Promised Land, and it is not to puff up myself and build an idol, depose the prophet, return to Egypt, or surrender my allegiance once I have seen God's hand giving me a chance to leave. Thou shalt have no other gods before me, and I am not fool enough to think I could fashion one or that I have. I am the created; He is the creator.

Despite seeing miracles, they quickly forget. Each of the plagues affected apparently every region of Egypt except for Goshen. After the plagues led to their release, Israel plundered Egypt and took spoils, including money (which is where they got the gold for the idol later, but I digress). By the time they got the commandments, God had already provided mannah daily and pheasants for a change of pace (Exodus 16) and then found water out of a rock when they thirsted (Exodus 17) and then seen the mountain of transfiguration boom with God's presence (Exodus 19). What's actually eye-opening for me as I reread the account is that apparently the people knew about the commandments (exodus 24) BEFORE Moses got the tablets (exodus 31). People like to claim that if they could see God they would believe. If He only gave them everything they command they will do everything He commands. Well, as Exodus teaches us, God actually DID provide for them first and then they were still fools. After Moses told them God forbade idols (Exodus 20) they make one anyway (exodus 32). Lord, what fools these mortals be! Obviously we are no different from Israel. I have seen miracles, felt God's presence, and benefitted from His love; I know it, and I know that He knows that I know it, and I will not deny or forget it. Maybe I'm not getting the nourishment I need or making the headway I like, but I also feel very strongly like He is pleased with my stumblings (CS Lewis).

Unable to see God for themselves, they make their own. Many years ago, shortly after I was divorced, my friend Tom suggested I start my own church. He knew I wouldn't start one with beer and hookers, but I told him that who was I to presume myself called to that? Not even Martin Luther actually intended to create a splinter group from The Church- he only thought he would raise awareness and create change in the church he knew and served and loved. Other people took it upon themselves to do so, but "no man taketh this honour unto himself saved he is called of God as was Aaron". John the Baptist didn't start a church; he knew he was paving the way for the Messiah, and when he met Christ, he was reticent to think that he had any authority whatsoever in the kingdom, hesitating to baptize Jesus. The fact is that there was an organized church and congregations thereof run through a central heirarchy. If not, then why did Paul write so many epistles to the churches? He was directing the church. Even in his time, there were obviously miscommunications, misunderstandings, and misapprehensions, because if you read the Pauline epistles, you'll see that he says different things to some congregations and the same things to others. Obviously some central authority was necessary to direct the church. Paul didn't decide to do this. The other apostles chose him to be among their number after Judas' death. I do not presume to be a man called of God to start a church or even to lead my own. If that is what He wants, He will let me know the same way He has, even if I must see a burning bush.

Unwilling to follow a madman into Sinai, they insist on returning to Egypt. From the moment God spoils Pharaoh's army to the time when Moses goes to the mount to receive the stone tablets, Israel constantly complains that things would be better elsewhere. The problem is that this particular elsewhere, Egypt, was a country that enslaved them. People suggest that I should go somewhere else and enslave myself to another idea simply because it MIGHT be easier to bear, consistent, and predictable. Well, I know that wandering in the desert isn't exactly a rip-roaring good time, but I know that I would rather die with the harness off my back than deal with these alternatives. I have met my fair share of cotton-headed ninnymuggins in positions of leadership in the church. I know men who are corrupted by power and who imagine up in their own minds that they know better than God or speak for Him. Well, I know the pattern of prophecy, and I know that God doesn't call random nincompoops to positions of power without some sort of token, and I don't care what these men think, they are not fulfillment of some prophecy of which I've never heard. The only staph they might have is an infection. Finding something simpler, safer, suppler is not necessarily better. Finding something else isn't necessarily going to lead you to the Land of Promise. You left Egypt for a reason, and a VERY good one. I'm not going back to the mire just because it's comfortable. The right thing is rarely easy or immediately rewarding, and usually it costs you something upfront. If that's what you want to do fine, but don't force me to agree. "When we die and you are sent to heaven for following your conscience and I am sent to hell for not following mine, will you come with me for fellowship? (Sir Thomas More)".

Only those willing to trust God, follow His prophet, and remain true were allowed to see the Promised Land. When Moses came down and saw the throng engaged in their riotous and raucous reverie, he cried out, "Who's on the Lord's side (exodus 32:26)" and then instructed the Levites who gathered to slay the offenders. Eventually, as punishment for persistent and constant complaints against God, Israel was punished to wander in Sinai for forty years and only Joshua and Caleb were allowed to go into the promised land (at least of the men of the camp) because they were true to their God. I find it paradoxical just how many people think that they can do whatever they like and still get everything God promises. The prodigal son was welcomed back, but the inheritance remains promised to the faithful son. At every juncture where they opined the loss of Egypt, where they were slaves, God provided for them. At every point where they assumed Moses was a raving lunatic, who had gained their release from Pharaoh, God backed him up. At every instance where they had a change to prove what God they truly wanted to follow, even when they made their own or forgot the cloud by day and pillar of fire by night, God still protected them and let them see the land of milk and honey he promised. Not everyone who calls out, "Lord, lord" will get his due, for how knoweth the man a master whom he has not served and who is a stranger to him? How can I expect God to bless me if I follow your advice and abandon Him? If I want to see the promised land, I must remain true to the end.

Paradoxically and contrary to logic, people like to complain about how I am treated because of my Faith and suggest I leave it. What I suffer doesn't compare at all to what Moses had to bear, and nobody suggests he was a raving lunatic. No, I'm the fool and he was a prophet, and yet our stories are not so different in their undergirding principle- it is strange for mortals to keep faith and normal for mortals to criticize those who do. I am not a prophet, but I know what they teach and how to recognize them. I will not fashion my own God because the one I have doesn't happen to validate my worth or follow MY commandments. I am not going to find something easier or better fitting or connoiseur churches, because it's not a question of what I like but what God commands. I know what I know, and I will not go with you on a path that doesn't lead where I want to go just for company. The exodus is a pattern for our lives once we start living what God asks. Sure, it's difficult, demanding, draining, drudgery, but the only way to get from Egypt to the Promised Land on foot is to cross the Sinai Desert. There are no other options. No other roads connect those two places (interestingly enough). No other Gods can redeem us from bondage. No other Way exists. This is where I know I ought to be, and I will not be moved. I might falter or fall, but I will do all that I can to at least see that promised land if not ultimately dwell there. I am following the prophet, following Moses, and listening to God and His Christ, and as much as I appreciate your concern, I trust that if I'm on the wrong path they will tell me directly.

04 April 2017

As a Disciple of Christ

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Although I don't occupy a position of visible prominence and lofty titles, I occupy a position in my Faith of great responsibility. I teach Sunday School for all the teenagers in my congregation who are in High School. They are a variegated and complicated bunch, not because they are problematic, but because of the world into which they are about to enter. After General Conference this past weekend, I told my father that since I wasn't a priesthood leader, I wanted to find more ways to get involved and inspire them to action and growth. He told me that I already was, that I have been for a long time, often leading from the middle rather than at the head. He told me that he feels he is there to help train his bishop, and it made me think of a time when I had to train someone in a far loftier position than I who apparently didn't learn certain lessons and had to learn then from a 20 year old boy in the Alps. Those of you who know who Dieter Uchtdorf is have your own stories; mine are much different than yours, as you will see, and as he gently tried to use me to teach a man who once occupied a position of prominence and lofty title. During that brief interval, I got to work essentially directly under God's direction, which is quite a thing if you think about it, and learned just how involved He is, how much help He gives, and what He asks of those who truly accept Him and want to work with Him. You see, far too many people think about accepting Christ in order to be saved while ignoring the other scriptures closely akin to that. "And this is life eternal, that they might know thee the one and only true God and Jesus Christ whom thou hast sent" and "for how knoweth the man a master whom he hath not served and who is a stranger to him?" My missionary service was my time to become a disciple, to not just accept Him but to walk with Him and get to know Him as I got to know and serve and love those people whom He asks to call Him Father.

God directs the work. When I became the Zone Leader of Tirol, the Mission President called me about the Newmans. Elder Newman was a former member of the 2nd Quorum of Seventy, who was now serving in a much more humble position as clerk in the mission home in Vienna. Elder Newman wasn't happy about his assignment and wanted to be more involved, to proselyte, and, as I later learned, push people around by virtue of his experience as a leader, and nobody wanted to work with him. When President Schulze called me, I knew what he wanted, and I wasn't happy, so when he asked me if it was ok to send the Newmans to Tirol, I said to my great astonishment and pride, "If God wants the Newmans in Innsbruck, you do not need my permission." The President hung up and called me back. After the Newmans arrived, he set about immediately validating the rumors that came before him and immediately tried to exercise unrighteous dominion, demanding to be in charge of the missionary work and missionaries over which I was Zone Leader. I told him that if he thought God wanted him to be ZL, he should call the mission home and ask, thereby freeing me to do God's work and stop having asinine conversations with him. A few days later, Dieter Uchtdorf, the Area President of Europe, called and asked me if I'd told Elder Newman he should be the Zone Leader; Elder Dieter told me that he had discussed things with Elder Newman and made it clear that God decides whom He chooses to lead, and that I was the designated leader and that if I had any more problems I should call him directly. When I made decisions, I deferred to the Lord, involved the Lord, and acted on what the Lord commanded. I cannot tell you that things turned out peachy keen, but I do know that I said and did things I never could have known to do let alone that well at the age of 20, and I continue to live that way today.

God qualifies us to lead. When I became the ZL, I wasn't sure about the choice. I had never been a leader, and I wasn't really very successful if you talk about statistics and paperwork, so I asked if I was being promoted because there wasn't anyone else who really qualified. President Schulze just laughed and told me I was funny. I can however tell you that I was given phrases to say, activities to attempt, ideas of places to go, and ways to handle problems far above my experience and maturity level. So surprising were the interpolations of Providence that they sent the highest missionaries in Austria out to watch me to find out what I was doing and why when all I was really doing was living worthy of God's help and then trusting that it would come when I opened my mouth. As a Zone Leader responsible for missionaries in four different countries speaking three different languages, I was the only one who received an unrestricted EU travel visa, and I found that I was able to learn all the languages of the areas for which I was responsible. One young Elder wrote me about how he tried to picture what a good, down to earth, hard-working missionary would look like, and was pleased to meet me as his first zone leader, and another told me how he looked up to me as an elder brother. Not everyone liked me, but there was one who wrote how he was glad he picked up a few of my traits by serving closely with me. As I traveled around the alps and crossed borders to work with missionaries in Italy, Slovenia, Austria, and Germany, the work in my area suffered, and as their efforts bore fruit with my help and encouragement, they knew that I was giving up my time and opportunities for their success.  I spent a LOT of time on the train, and a LOT of time listening to conversations in different languages and doing most of the talking since I was the only missionary who knew what was being said.  I look back on that time as one of the best times, albeit one of the most difficult, of my life, not because of what I achieved but because of what I learned about my true propensities and qualifications for leadership and how God gives His mantle to whom He calls.

God's leaders sacrifice. When the Newmans came, I surrendered my car, my apartment, much of my time in the aforementioned verbal distractions, and even my decision to cease speaking English as a missionary. Sister Newman spoke only English, and so I had to speak English to her, which caused one other missionary to exclaim, "Is that what you really sound like?" when he heard me speak English for the first time. Only just before I returned home did the Newmans really learn about the way in which they came to be in Innsbruck and what I surrendered to help them be comfortable, and they felt ashamed that they complained about their accommodations especially when they saw the dive to which Elder Gertge and I had to move when they took what we had. As I mentioned, I spent a great deal of time in the areas where other missionaries were assigned, and on one particularly inauspicious encounter, I was assigned to proselyte in Hall in Tirol, a town where the Deacon of Tirol lived, a man who once ran the missionaries out of town. I was beat up at a train station, incarcerated by Italian border guards, frozen nearly to death in the mountains, and when I found people willing to listen they almost invariably lived in another missionary's area. Still, one elder wrote how when I returned home the people would know that I had served with valour, and my family can probably still remember how I looked when I debarked the plane in America, tired and worn but not defeated or finished. I spent most Sundays translating meetings for tourists, and if you've never translated before you know how difficult it is, and so I don't remember a single thing said at church in Tirol, because I had to translate rather than pay attention, and so I gave up my Sundays so that tourists could enjoy the meetings too. When an Elder's bike was stolen, I gave him mine and then when his was recovered, I went to court to translate for him since he was new.

My missionary service in Austria was the last time I held an official and lofty title. Since returning from that service, except for a brief period, I have spent all of my church service teaching Sunday School in one fashion or another. I realized this year that this is a position of great responsibility. I have the power, means, and opportunity to corrupt all the youth in my congregation if I choose, to teach for doctrines the commandments of men, to teach the philosophies of men mingled with scripture but deny the power thereof. I try very hard to still let God direct me, trust that He's going to help me, and sacrifice in order to achieve the best approximation of what He would do that I am capable. Connor prayed at the end of class back in January and thanked God for my faithfulness in and dedication to my calling, and they know that I care about them even though I have almost no reason to do so whatsoever. They are not my children; I don't even have a girlfriend. They are not my friends. THeir parents are not my friends.  They will probably not talk to me much when they matriculate to college. I learned as a missionary how to be a disciple of Christ. I am still trying very hard to do what He would have me do where I am, to lift where I stand, to act well my part, and to follow His direction even when I have no idea why. I face a lot of disappointment and heartache. I did in Austria, too. When I went home, the Newmans invited me over to their humble apartment in Thaur where they cooked a nice meal for me and thanked me for the lessons in leadership I taught them. I found a way to work with them and give them a place, something that nobody else apparently wanted to do. He and I still had problems, but I knew that he was also one of God's sons, trying to help others of God's children, and so that as a leader it was my job to get him connected to the work, and we found a way. Sometimes it was difficult to view these people as God's children, and except for the SS people we met, I think I can honestly say I managed to see them as God's children. I got to know God and work with Him, to start off well on the road to discipleship. IN that way, my missionary service was the best time for my life.