Appearing to Care

Share

Those who do things to be seen of men usually do things to be seen of men. Sure, they tell you that they care, but most of the time they are more interested in appearing to care than doing things that actually provide care. They want credit for compassion without having to sweat to earn it, and most of what they do doesn’t amount to much. People who really care will try to keep it secret, because people who really care don’t care who gets the credit.

I remember helping to build the Grapevine Springs Park in 89121 in Vegas. At the time, I was too young to use a chainsaw, so I went around trimming trees with a hand saw. Some local politician showed up, not to help, but to appear on camera, and when the cameraman found me and watched me instead, she inserted herself into the frame to take the attention. I never actually saw her DO any work, yet she wanted credit for making the park, and I think she was very disappointed when it wasn’t named after her. You see, it wasn’t about us having a park. It wasn’t about the people. It was about her getting the limelight for something other people actually accomplished.

“At least she cares,” they will cry when politicians endorse a project “for the public good”. Yet, most of their efforts are relatively vacuous and ineffective. Despite the hashtags, the girls in Nigeria are still captive. Despite the benefit concerts, AIDS still kills people in Africa. Despite the number of likes on Facebook, children are still hungry, nations are still at war, and people are still unemployed. If they really wanted to do something, the people who champion these causes could do something immediately and powerfully. They want to get credit without doing work, and they want you to do the work so that they can unjustly take credit for things they didn’t actually do. Many of these people are rich enough they could do something for many people. No matter how much they say they care, their bank accounts tell another story.

The true measure of a man is how he treats those who can do nothing for him. Well, most advocates go out and promise pelf to people who prop them up. Politicians do it with votes; employers do it with raises and benefits; monarchs do it with land and titles; parents sometimes do it with candy. Whatever the situation, it’s all bribery, because most of the people in power are their own favorite constituent, beneficent and beneficiary. We love ourselves more than we love our neighbors. I know this because we will give gifts to strangers while we rush at the option to stick our grandparents in a retirement home. I know this because we rush to do favors for coworkers and groan when our kids need our help. I know this because we flirt with other people and yell at our spouse. All of those validate OUR worth.

Most of the people who need help do not receive it because they can’t do anything for the giver. What can homeless people or sick people or unemployed people do for politicians? Besides voting, they don’t usually have any money, and most of them aren’t really important outside their meager sphere of influence. If politicians really cared about people with autism, muscular dystrophy, cancer, or about people who can’t find a job or afford a home or can’t get care in the Veteran’s Hospital, they would spend time with them and know their names. Instead, they care about nameless faceless hordes and put illegal aliens over citizens, because the aliens can make sure that the politicians permanently retain power. I know people who suffer from these things, and not to toot my own horn, I do things for them.

Rather than posting to facebook and twitter or putting on benefits, these people should get in the trenches. They don’t because there are no cameras at the shelter or in the trauma ward or at the family dinner table. They want to be seen, they want to get credit, and they want to be able to say “what a good boy am I!” When they do give, they do so as the rich men decried by Jesus who cast in of their abundance in a manner that people noticed, so people would recognize them as great and noble and wonderful. If hashtags really worked, I’d just post things to twitter that I wanted much like children wish on stars, write letters to santa, etc. If these people really cared, they have power to do something. The first lady could have called her husband to act rather than holding up a placard with a hashtag. The celebrities could go donate money rather than holding a concert to collect donations from you. They have the power, but they want to have the credit and keep their power too (there are some exceptions).

Rather than give money through organizations that draw attention to charity, be the miracle in your neighborhood. We all have neighbors and friends and family who could benefit from our help. Yes, strangers may need new dentures, a job, or rescue from Special Forces. However, we also have family members in poor health, neighbors in financial duress, and strangers on the road who might need rescue, even if they just need their spare tire installed or a jump. When I tell you about times I do these things, it’s because the only examples I have are my own. I didn’t do them to get credit or because those people had something they could give me. I was there, and they needed my help, and I do not believe in coincidence. Beware when politicians speak of principles of faith and charity, because they do so usually not because they really mean it but because they hope you do. I hope you do too. Some poor sailor, temptest-tossed, trying now to reach the harbor in the darkness may be lost. Let the lower lights keep burning, send a gleam across the wave. Some poor struggling, fainting seaman you may rescue YOU may help save.

From King to Queen’s Pawn

Share

When I tell stories about the women I dated, people ask me “where do you find these women?” Truth is that for the most part I don’t; usually they find me. I have only pursued one woman who consented to date me without being interested in me first. This is one major reason why I don’t go out and why I don’t ask for numbers and why I am not sure I’ll go bowling tonight. You see, even women know that people make time for things and people that matter, and eventually I get the message when they ignore my messages and avoid me.

Perhaps some of them do this to see just how interested I am. Well, I don’t have an infinite amount of time, and even if I’m not doing something more important, I prefer to do other things than continually fish in an empty pond. Women who want you to woo them make efforts to encounter you, so if they ignore me, I write them off. I’m not a pawn. I’m a King, and if they want to be treated by their mate like a Queen, then they need to treat me like a King. I don’t want to be someone for whom anyone settles, and so if I’m not your primary interest, I’m not interested in playing the game. I am certainly not going to stick around as your last resort.

Most of the women I attempted to date made it clear to me that they were interested in me before I ever asked them out. Although they might not have acted consciously to get my attention, their actions evinced an interest and a willingness to welcome my affectations. The problem I had with this was that since they decided when and if a relationship started, apparently they felt like it lay within their power to decide unilaterally when it ended. They told me what I wanted to hear, and then they took it back when they decided to change their mind. However, this proved true in the case of the woman I pursued as well. She was persuaded to date me after her sister and mother laid out the case for me, and when different siblings and her mother sang a different song, she was convinced to part ways with me too. Although men may pursue, ultimately the woman chooses.

Dating is like a game of chess. The Queen is the most powerful and diverse piece, able to do more than any other piece in the game, but the King is the piece on which the game ultimately revolves. Although the Queen may seem to have all the power, when the man vanishes, the game ends. Far too often, women want to play games and see if we’ll chase them or test our love or see if we’ll sacrifice things, not because they want those things but because they want to test us. Usually, they don’t even tell us that it is a test until it’s over, and most of those are tests I apparently failed.

More often than not in my observation, flirtation is less about you than it is about the person flirting. I constantly hear women say “I still have it” when they don’t want the guy, they just want to be desirable to the guy. Maybe this is why so many men become jerks, because they get tired of being led on, shat upon, and left behind and lash out to get even. Maybe this is why so many people have affairs and NSA situations, because they don’t care about anyone’s value except their own. Well, I’m not going to do that, but I’m certainly not going to be a pawn just because you’re a queen.

The comparison to chess has to do with the reaction of the man involved. If you are devalued from your actual worth in the game, many men withdraw from playing. Most women are not pretty enough to be as mean as they are, particularly since I have nothing to do with the menstrual cycle. Most women are not sufficiently worthy of wow for me to subjugate myself to them all the time for any reason they imagine. The king may not be the most important piece, but he is critical to the game, and so if you’re not going to treat me as important, don’t be surprised when I don’t want to play. Whatever game you play, no matter what you bring to the table, and no matter who you are, if the man leaves, the games end.

We are important too. We are no more meant to be pawns than women are to be less than men. I tell women that I date, not that it matters, that I follow the following guildeline:

Woman was not taken from the head of man to be above him or from beneath his foot to be trampled on by him. She was taken from his side to be equal to him, from under his arm to be protected by him, from near his heart to be loved by him.

In my forthcoming book “Men Without Chests”, I explain why there are “no good men left”. Some of them got lucky and found a good woman, so single women can’t find them. The rest remove themselves from the pool of good men. Most of them become jerks because they watch women pick men that use and abuse them, and the rest give up trying and do their own thing because they can’t find a real life partner. Treat others how you want to be treated. If you want to matter, treat me like I do too. If you want the royal treatment, you must also give it.

Motivated to Learn Spanish

Share

I went to the DMV this morning on my state mandated furlough day to register my newer car. After standing in line this morning, I finally have motivation to learn Spanish. Until now, I resisted it because I felt that I was enabling them if I didn’t encourage them to learn English. Now, I feel like I’m enabling them because they use it clandestinely for purposes contrary to civil society, and I want them to know that just because I’m Nordic doesn’t mean I don’t know what they’re doing.

During most of the half hour I stood there, I listened to the two women behind me comment on other people in line. Although I know barely any Spanish, I know enough Italian and enough about laughter to know that they were mocking and commenting on everyone and everything around them with a derrogatory aire. When I turned around to take a closer look, I couldn’t figure for the life of me how they get off condescendingly judging everyone around them. They don’t look healthy or pretty or successful. I guess they’re just bitter and like most bullies find it helpful to lift themselves up by putting others down.

Shortly before they finally let us in, a woman came down the line repeating the same opening line asking if people spoke Spanish. True to form, when she came to me, she walked right on by. I was profiled, and I felt it somewhat racist that she just assumed that the fellow in front of me and I didn’t speak Spanish because we were white (he looks like Irish ancestry to me). I didn’t catch much of it, but it was canvassing, which I’m pretty sure is not allowed on public property like that, but she didn’t care because it was in Spanish, and none of us complained. If I did this in line and only spoke with people who spoke English, they would decry it as profiliing and racist. Apparently it’s compassionate to balkanize people as long as you’re not white.

After many years owning three levels of Rosetta Stone for Spanish, I’m finally motivated to start. I want to know what they’re doing, and I don’t necessarily want them to know I understand them. Like these women, they will probably assume I don’t speak Spanish because I’m white, sort of like the French tourist in Innsbruck figured he could avoid talking to me by saying in French that he only spoke French. Unfortunately for him, I spoke some French.

How can we be one people if we continue to do things that draw lines of separation between us and our neighbors? How can this people expect to coalesce around the common civil good until we have things in common? How can we possibly be equal if we continue to allow these things to render us anything but equal? I find it expressly repugnant that so many of our leaders talk about inclusion while practicing policies that lead to exclusion instead. My Faith may add a second Spanish ward to our building. While I understand for the elderly patrons of the Faith, most of the youth are bilingual and don’t need it. There are no Danish congregations or Gaelic ones or German ones in this nation, because my ancestors became one with their neighbors rather than setting up enclaves.

When I lived in Austria, I was motivated to learn German so that I would not have to depend on others who spoke my language. Unlike this country, there aren’t as many native English speakers in Austria, and so it served me well to do so. President Gerald Roth of the Salzburg Stake paid me a great compliment by speaking to me in German because he knew my German was fluent enough that I would understand, something I never saw him do with any other missionary from America. I find it sad that these people refuse to join us but have the benefits of our society, and I was offended to listen to them mock others openly thinking that nobody saw them in secret. Be warned. El gato no manejah el carro.

Using Time Well

Share

Each of us has a finite and fixed amount of time to live, and that is probably for the best. When the movie “In Time” came out, I eagerly went to see it, to see how they handled the fact that we trade our life to do things. Perhaps that’s what annoys me about so many disappointing episodes of my life, because they appear to be nothing more than wasted time when I look back. It’s not usually my fault, and so in essence someone else wasted my life. That is my right and responsibility to live my life as I decide, not theirs.

Since coming to work in academia, I have seen two hiring committees waste everyone’s time and money. The first was the search for a new president for my institution. I recall hearing one of the candidates irately ask that if they never intended to hire someone besides the temporary person in that position, why did they list the job? He and another fellow wasted time and money flying out for tours and interviews, when ultimately they were never really going to be considered. Even I received a rejection letter two years ago that I now understand essentially says “We’re sorry you applied, because you’re the best candidate, but we always intended to keep the temporary incumbent”. They got my hopes up, wasted days off I took to go for interviews, and ultimately chose someone who was not necessarily the best for the position. This will waste the time and money of the community and the students whenever we do not provide people who do the best job they can for the pay we offer.

Friday night, I actually got stood up for a date. As I put away things that I put together in preparation of this event, it annoyed me even more. I took time to ask, I took time to prepare, and I got emotionally invested in hope only to reverse my preparations and render twice the amount of time as useless work. When I sit down to waste time, that’s one thing. When you make a decision that renders my work useless when all things being equal it should have been productive, you essentially stole my time. For this reason, I continue to nurture relationships I already have in favor of fishing expeditions for new friends or lovers, because I know that it will bear fruit rather than speculate in “what might be”.

Unfortunately, much time and money is wasted because of fear and inadequacy. I think the GOBNet in academia is afraid to hire someone who makes them look stupid, who doesn’t play by the rules, and who shakes up the fiefdom they built for themselves. I think that many relationships fail because people fear and decide to abandon what they built. I just told another professor today something I told the last woman I dated: “Do not let fear of what might happen prevent you from discovering what will”. It might not be good, but if you quit then you have accomplished nothing at all.

I try to carefully use my time investing it in things that I think will make my life richer. I try to share things because enjoying them with someone is greater than doing it because I can. I cannot go back, and I cannot do things over, and I cannot change what has been. Time marches onward, and it became what I made of it. Some of you are special to me, and some of you still are. The fact that things change is what made spending time with you special, memorable, because it brought joy to living and meaning to time. Each time I felt it was well spent, it enriched my life. I thought I was investing more time in my future than appears to be the case.

For this reason, I rededicated my life and my time and my blog to the philosophical. There are things that are quite frankly not worth our time and effort. Matters of faith always have been for me. They buoy us up when we feel weak, and they give us courage when our hope grows dim, and they comfort us when we hurt. I lay in the other room just a while ago and felt the presence of my God reassure me that things will be ok, that I will reap what I sowed, even if it doesn’t happen until after I die. “Also it is an imperative duty that we owe to all the rising generation and to all the pure in heart, for there are many yet on the earth among all parties, sects and denominations who are blinded by the subtle craftiness of man, whereby they lie in wait to deceive, who are only kept from the truth because they know not where to find it. Wherefore that we should waste and wear out our lives bringing to light the hidden things of darkness wherein we know them, that they are truly manifest from heaven…”

I returned from a mission to Austria in June 2000 feeling very much a failure, that those two years had been a complete waste of time. In speaking with my cousin this Saturday, I realized that if nothing else it showed me that I mean what I say and live what I believe. I went forth with faith, served with valour, and returned with honour. Everyone at the airport, although they could tell I was worn out, when I walked off the plane knew that a valiant warrior had returned home having done everything in his power to do what he ought. I hope, despite my mistakes and weaknesses and laziness, that when I return home to the presence of God He will consider the time I spent a valuable investment. I hope that in continuing to do this and be me I will end up magnifying what few talents He gave me when He asks for a final accounting.

When you come before your Maker, each of you will have to account for the use of time, talents, and gifts given you by God. At that time, you cannot say that virtue was inconvenient at the time, that someone else made you do it, or that someone else is at fault. Even when the people who move you be kings or men of power, your soul is in your keeping alone. Fads and whims change, and so they do not give virtue to choice. Virtue comes when we do what we ought. Until you move yourself, you are playing another man’s game, living another man’s life, using your time to serve another man’s plan. Unless you are living your own life and living it well, you are wasting the greatest privilege given to you- to exist. Remember that many unborn children never have this privilege and that many more never become cognizant of their existence before disease or hunger claim them. You have a gift of time. Use it well.

Paid What We're Worth?

Share

Several times this week, I heard people assert that you are worth what someone is willing to pay you. I have several problems with this false premise. I bet you do too. For some people, I think this is used as a crutch, and for others, I think it's a grouse, but whatever camp in which you fall, I think it misunderstands the fact that things are not equal. There is really only one way for men to always be equal, and that is to be miserable, poor, and enslaved. The contest that animates life is one of struggle and work. That's what God told Adam to expect- by the sweat of thy brow shalt thou eat thy bread all the days of thy life.

If we buy the premise that pay equates with value, we ignore history. Besides the sordid episode in American history during which the British instituted slavery in what became the United States, slavery has existed for millenia. Even last week, some Nigerians kidnapped young girls intending to sell them into slavery. They will sell for a small and probably paltry price, and by this faulty logic, that's all they are worth. Historically, most money was concentrated in the aristocracy and with the powermongers because they were willing to pillage and raid in order to take what others had. Pirates might have been rich, but they are not the most worthy of us. The crusades enriched the Vatican, but many of those who pillaged Jerusalem became godless by committing atrocities. Highwaymen are not noble or sexy, and as much as women wanted to sleep with King John Lackland, it was more about power than about virtue. Your wage has never really equated with your true value.

If we buy the premise that pay equates with value, we ignore the present. Many of you probably fall into the camp that insists that CEOs don't deserve that much money, that they should pay higher wages. However, many CEOs are paid because they enlarge the value of the company, which is actually their job. The rest are paid because they are part of the GOBNet. People rise to positions of power and then reward their friends for helping them get there. I was rejected two years ago for a job in favor of a man of lesser demonstrable ability and credentials who now earns more than I do. Almost all of my coworkers outearn me. If I assumed that my paycheck equated with my value, then I would have to conclude that I am not worth very much. We still have slavery today. How asinine to assume that if I can buy someone for 12 pounds sterling that they are worth only that, particularly in a nation such as this.

If we buy the premise that pay equates with value, we ignore the future. You have value because of two things beyond your control. First of all, you have value based on what influence your life leaves on other lives, and secondly you have value because you are the child of a God. When Thomas More encouraged Richard Rich to become a teacher instead, he did so on the persuasion that his students and his Maker would be influenced by him. Ultimately Rich still went into politics and testified against More at his trial for treason, but I found something last summer at some eatery I forgot that said, "Teachers are in it for the outcome rather than the income". Yesterday, I read that the moral of "Breaking Bad" is that teachers are underpaid. Yet, women continue to choose firemen and doctors and stock day traders over me because they earn more than I do. They bought the false premise that people are valuable based on their wages. Christ taught that the laborer is worthy of his hire, and at the end of the day, every man receives wages according to his employ. That day is not today for most people; for most of us, it will come when we metriculate to the next plane of existence and return to God's presence to reap what we sowed in this life. Justice will have its day, and if you enjoy today things you did not sow, you will eventually have to pay for them.

Milton Friedman discussed on the Phil Donahue show that society does not reward virtue. Society rewards cronyism. This world rewards people according to the world. It's a quid pro quo arrangement most of the time. You have all heard that 'it's not what you know but who you know', and if that's true, then you are not paid based on your worth. You are rewarded based on your associations rather than your accomplishments. At the same time, many of us talk about the Law of the Harvest and Karma, insisting that we deserve rewards while our enemies deserve punishments. If you rose with the GOBNet, you rose by accident of your birth and associations, not necessarily on your accomplishments.

Almost everyone I know entering today is "settling" for someone or something because they can't seem to get what they want. Faced with a poor job market and rising home prices, most young people cohabitate and "live in sin" or with multiple roommates because they barely eke by. Far too many young people are accepting whoever will have them because they think that's all they deserve. Perhaps you feel that nobody will want you because you are used, because you have failed, because you made a mistake. This is inconsistent with the principles espoused by Christ during His incarnation. Maybe you aren't worth ten cows, but you shouldn't have to pay someone else ten cows to take you. There are people who are still worth ten cows to me because I know who they are, what they offer, who they can be, and what they could deliver. I wait patiently in promise of future rewards. I trust people because I know their divine nature. You have value because you are you, because you are a child of God, not because someone else thinks they can squeeze golden eggs out of you. What you do with your life will return to you, and so if you don't like what you're sending out, now is the time to change it.

Even in science we teach that for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction. If you send out good, good returns. If you punish the virtuous in favor of your cronies, do not be surprised when a different person with different cronies punishes you. Historically, it has always been the wicked who punish the wicked, because the wicked gather up things worth stealing. I have very little worth taking or that is for the taking, and so I think people mostly leave me be. Then, I go to work and try very hard to help my students make something great of themselves. However well I may be doing financially, the numbers tell a different story. Nobody seems willing pay ten cows for me. I don't ingratiate myself with them and validate their worth. If you need it from outside, from a paycheck, from a trophy spouse, from a fancy car, or from a lofty title, then it isn't real. If you're not enough without it, you'll never be enough with it. Do something worthy. The universe will pay you even when men fall short. God will restore, repay, replenish, and reward. No matter what you do, for evil or for good, He who seeth in secret shall reward thee openly.

Stupor of Thought

Share

This past week, I sat down several times intending to write only to have nothing to say when I started. I even had some “great ideas” that vanished completely from my mind as soon as I sat down to type them out to you. Previously when I felt this, I recognized that sometimes now is not the time to mention things even when you think them. Sometimes, in order to protect me and/or other people, God gives me a stupor of thought, and I forget what I intended to say. I know that if it’s important, I will remember it later.

Shortly after moving to Vegas, I tried to date a woman whom most would consider out of my league. Although persuaded initially to welcome my affectations, later on she decided to look for someone else, someone better, because I didn’t earn enough and wasn’t skinny enough for her. Even after she dumped me, she wanted me to continue to pay to take her out without any expectations, and every time she insisted that doing so was “charitable” and “noble”, I hung up the phone. Several times, I remember being upset, wishing I’d said something that only came to mind after we hung up. One night, she asked me if I had anything else to say, and the phrase popped into my head. “Yes I do,” I announced. “I know I will make a good husband and father. If you think you can do better, good luck and goodbye”. I waited until she hung up and then I hung up, knowing that this was finally the opportune moment.

I attended several events from a particular nincompoop congressman on campus. Before each affair, I prepared my thoughts and wrote down notes only to attend the event without any kind of scripted remarks. Each time I went, the congressman recognized me and opened the door for me to speak, and the things that I remembered were things I decided that needed to be said. Sure, after the fact we all think of things we could have said or ways we could have articulated ourselves better, but I felt pleased because only the things relevant to the moment and subject to inspiration came to mind.

By telling these stories, I’m not implying I have anything in particular to say to anyone, just that you will know when it’s time to say something. In fact, even as I write this, I cannot command the things to return to mind that I forgot! They are still things I should not share apparently. I sometimes ignore promptings to open my mouth, and sometimes I try to force things before their time. However, when the time is right, you will know because it will come to mind and because you will be calm. Far too often, we plan our lives and our conversations so much that we do not leave much room for inspiration and direction. We want to stick to a script, but the other person doesn’t have it, and so we end up deviating anyway, usually to ad lib on our own.

While serving as a missionary in Austria, I remember how Elder Gene R Cook challenged us to allow God to lead our conversations. He asked us to prepare and then leave our notes behind so that our plans didn’t get in the way of what God wants for us. You see, in our arrogance to stick to the crutch of prepared comments, we hush the whisperings of the Holy Spirit when He tries to inspire us to open our mouths. God promised to give us words, to tell us what to say and when, to guide us to our Land of Promise, and when we are about to do something stupid or at a stupid time, sometimes He gives us a Stupor of Thought to protect us. We forget the thing that is not right and cannot recollect it frequently even when we try.

I know it’s hard to trust in something we cannot see, and I also know that it’s much more common than we think. We have never seen our own brains or hearts, but we trust that they are there because we are alive. We have never actually seen the sun because it would burn our eyes if we looked directly at it. We have never seen China, but we buy things made there and worry about military threats from there constantly. Most of us have ever really seen a plague or famine, but we sent money and other aid to people suffering from them. We take many things on faith. We say that "everything happens for a reason" only to discount and dismiss those who declare some divine design. It’s time to trust when God stops up our mouths as well that the things that vanish probably ought to remain forgotten. Like CS Lewis, “I believe in God as I believe in the noon-day sun, not that I can see it, but that by it I can see everything.” I do not have to see the sun to know that it is there, and I do not have to see the Son to know that He is too.

One of the most important words in all of scripture is the word “remember”. If you remember it, it is important. I tell people all the time that people remember things and people that matter. This is why we take pictures, buy souvenirs, post to Facebutt, reminisce, and thank people. We all know that it is nice to be remembered. The early Christians were urged to keep a record of the membership to keep in remembrance all those who declared themselves disciples. Things we forget are things that do not matter. Some things that do not matter ought also to be forgotten. The rest, well, those things really matter, and those are the things we share and the things we ought to cherish. God left them in your mind for a reason.

Clean Slate

Share

Change is in the air for me this week. My hiking buddy insists that in order to move forward with a new phase in life you need to clear out the old and make room for the new. To support that notion, when he moved to Vegas, he moved here with nothing at all and started over. In defense of people who are more normal, he still has a lot of stuff in the house he owns in which his eldest daughter lives, but he didn’t bring any of it with him. Old things, while reminiscent, do tend to weigh you down. Last time I reached this point, all loose ends were tied up, and I found myself uprooting and moving to Vegas. It’s possible that I have completed what I was sent here to do as well as I was able.

Often we miss the chance for a clean slate because we fear to start over. We fear to ask people for a chance. We fear to take the plunge and dive into a new albeit unknown situation and trust God. Comfortable with the tranquility of the familiar we sacrifice other opportunities. Afraid of loss, we jealously hang onto what we have. Sometimes, this is wise. Sometimes it’s otherwise. You don’t really know until you take the leap from the lion’s head and trust that a clean state offers a chance to start over and do better.

Out with the old

This past week, an era ended in my life. I’ve now lived in Vegas longer than anywhere else as an adult. Some things are clearing themselves up. I donated the last of my late friend’s stuff to goodwill, and rumors started to fly that my congregation at church will be reorganized, meaning that I may end up at church this next month with completely new congregation members. This summer I will celebrate four years since my ex wife last harassed me, and I consider that money well spent to buy my freedom. The state is supposed to vote to finally end the furlough program, and I may finally get a raise after six years of pay freezes.

In with the new

I finally decided to buckle down and get my household in order. For my birthday I filed paperwork and cleaned up the rooms, hung drapes, and wrote out a materials list to finish up the back yard landscaping this year. Then, I went out and bought myself another car (picture pending). I know I told myself that I’d wait until I had someone special, but it now seems that if I wait for that I may wait forever. Every now and then I buy something for myself, and even my dad was impressed with both the price I paid as well as what I got for my money, and this car should serve me 20 years like Car2D2 has. Next weekend, my dad’s coming to help me install a new AC unit, design new master bedroom closet shelves, hang cabinets, and hang blinds in the vaulted front entry. I’m planning trips to Maachu Picu, to Mayan ruins, and to Miami. I’ve slimmed up enough again that the clothes I bought back in November 2013 are loose. I continue to improve as I go into my prime.

Yet to come

Unfortunately some things remain the same. I just pulled the wage stats for last year, and the usual suspects at work were awarded raises for no justifiable reason I can imagine. The dean, who was supposed to step down in June, is staying for another two years because no qualified candidate was selected to replace her. I still hope that a wonderful woman, my geautiful birl, will choose to be with me after all, despite a dearth of prospects and signs supportive of that eventuality. I continue to work on my waist loss and waste loss goals so that maybe next year the state will ignore my weight. Everything I control is under control, and I’m trying to decide at which windmills to tilt and what things are worth risking in order to make a statement. I keep hoping that in the prime of my life I will have the opportunity to have the life I really desire to live and become a dad. We will see.

The story of Spring and the message of Easter is that we may all through Christ start with a clean slate. Although we remember what we do somehow God remembers our sins no more when we truly repent. The same thing comes of people. While I no longer hold any grudges against my ex-wife, I do remember what happened and use it as a bailiwick against repeating the errors that led to that resolution. As much as I hope that things with people I love may yet lead to happy endings that involve me, I really hope that their lives turn out well wherever they go. Looking back at the last decade of my life, I realized that I have learned to love myself, my fellow men (for the most part), and my Creator. Going to Alaska last year showed me that I am self aware and that I know who I am and that I like who I have become. Like Abraham Lincoln said, “I do the very best I can, the very best I know how, and I mean to go on doing so until the end. If the end brings me out all right, what is said against me won’t amount to much.”

I don’t really know what I would do if I had kids or if things changed. I know very little about how to survive in the world that has come to be. My morals and values and interests are uncommon and unappreciated by people in my peer group. As I get older, I sound more and more like an old, boring fuddy dudd, and I find I have more in common with people over fifty than people within ten years of my own age. I don’t know if I have any peers, and I think I may be bred out of the population, but that’s ok. This isn’t really the world for which I was born anyway. When I get there, I expect to fit in, blend in, and belong, because I expect in God’s presence I will be average at best. I hope that before that day He truly has granted me a clean slate there like He has here.

Doubting Thomas and Faith

Share

Attacks on faith, however common they may be, are nothing new. At the beginning of the semester, I walked into the department office dressed in my customary white shirt and tie only to be asked by a geology professor, whom I like, if I was going out proselyting. She didn’t know that I already did that or that I even belong to that Faith, because for her it was meant as tongue in cheek. All through time, men of any Faith have been attacked for the “fantasies of their deranged minds” until far too many of them become as Doubting Thomas. Beset with a constant barrage of attacks that question the validity of divine manifestations, they forget what they know and look for signs.

The problem with things of Faith is that they lie beyond the metrics measured by men. As fascinating as science may be and as dependent as I am on it for a living, it has its limits. When we first left the atmosphere, we learned that things don’t work outside it like they do here. When Voyager I first tried to leave the solar system, we learned that the extra solar space wasn’t like we thought. As our tools increase in capacity, we find it necessary to correct our conclusions. While a student, I remember learning that Linus Pauling had actually built an inaccurate model of DNA before Watson/Crick presented theirs. He didn’t have enough accurate information. Likewise, I remember Dr. Schooley telling us to rip out pages of our book because recent discoveries showed that those things were not true. Despite those things, men of science, so called “men of reason” will insist that you prove them wrong even though science is regularly debunked, incorrectly taught and inexpertly articulated. If it is your premise that proof is required, why should I have to prove YOU wrong? The burden of proof is always really on the nay sayer.

Such arguments from ignorance are however the modus opporandi of the worldly. They continue the clarion call that faith is “the opium of the masses” meant to control whilst men of science regularly use science to control people (a al Global Warming). Interested in being gods among men, these men exalt themselves by virtue of their knowledge, their hubris, apparently unable to recognize that man is nothing. I took this picture up at Red Rock in Icebox Canyon, and it shows how the earth folded rock like it was paper. Show me a man who can do that. We are so insignificant, yet we believe ourselves to be powerful because we have thoughts. Big deal. So do psychopaths.

Far too many men are Doubting Thomas’s because they seek to be gods among men. Look at Pharaoh in Egypt. He knew Moses. He also knew that Moses was a tribal herdsman by his garb. Pharaoh ejected Moses from Egypt. In Egyptian tradition, Pharaoh was a GOD. How laughable to think nothing of this but insist when people of faith insist on a higher being that it’s bunk. Pharaoh was shown many signs by Moses, but he did not believe until his own son was slain. Even then, Pharoah did not believe; he let Israel go in order to forestall further decimation of his empire. Then, he chased Moses so as to not be made to look foolish in the eyes of other rulers. He was, after all, a god.

Other Doubting Thomas’s persist because God “let them down” by not following their commandments when they ignored His. King David first ranted at God for the loss of his son Absolom. Apparently it was nothing for David to arrange for the death of Bathsheba’s husband in battle but not acceptable for God to allow David’s son to die. David could have had anything he wanted for the asking, but he took rather than asking, and he broke several basic commandments to do so. He coveted his neighbor’s wife, he arranged for the murder of one of his own Mighty Men, and then he committed adultery with the soldier’s widow! Only Moses broke more commandments at once than David! When God told David that Solomon would assume the kingdom but that it would be broken apart after that, David was still upset, but he knew that because he had not kept God’s word, God was not obligated to keep His to David.

Many men of faith are required to prove faith. Apparently the intelligentsia misapprehend what Faith actually means. If you have faith, you hope for things unseen that are true. We have faith all the time. We believe the sun will rise in the morning. We believe that plants will continue to make oxygen so we can live. We believe that our employers will pay us two weeks from now for work that we do today. We believe that people care enough about us to at least contact us on our birthdays. Why is it so hard to believe in a Messiah, that Christ shall come and make it possible for us to rise above our baser natures? Why is it so hard to believe that there is a purpose to the universe, that a God organized it for a reason? Why is it so hard to believe that in a few “weeks” God will “pay” us for our deeds? Why are men, who are fallen, the only creatures that can plan and build and create? If there is a being more intelligent than we, could it not also keep itself hidden from us? Apparently, only if it’s an alien species. I love this cartoon from XKCD because it shows how silly we are to assume there is not God because we have not conclusively found Him yet. Remember that “everyone” once “knew” the earth was flat.

In the Book of Mormon, Korihor demands that Alma prove there is a God before he will believe. Why is the onus on Alma? He didn’t make the claim that there is no God. He didn’t even start the conversation. Yet, as is true in our courts, the burden of proof falls, not on the accuser as logic would dictate, but on the unprepared and unsuspecting respondent. We expect a coherant and cogent response from him in five minutes when the claimant took weeks, months, or even years in preparation. This isn’t debate. This is an ambush. They will attack the messenger as incompetent or bigoted because they cannot argue on substance. Rather than debate and disagree, they must make you out to look the fool, because of course then everything about you must also be foolish by association.

The Pharisees even did this to Christ. “Is not this Joseph’s son?” they asked. How could a carpenter birth a smart son let alone the Savior? That is a class argument that continues today protractedly that unless you come from a particular location or degree or socioeconomic status you cannot possibly be worthy. “Has anything good come from Nazareth?” they will ask. In doing this they forget that God chooses humble, obscure, poor, and untrained people because they do not have the biases of others. They don’t think they know everything already.

Expect opposition for believing in Christ. From their earliest days, His followers were called Christians as a mark of derision. His detractors meant to mock Him. Before Christ’s birth the detractors spoke of how foolish it was to believe in something to come; today, scientists declare the apocalypse with certainty unless we control the population or emissions or the size of our armies. If we can’t know of Christ in the future, how can they know of those things? Since Christ’s birth, people have tried to make Christ out to either be a loon or to be just an ordinary prophet. As CS Lewis wrote, Christ did not intend to make it a question in anyone’s mind. He declared Himself the Son of God. Either he was completely mental and raved about asinine delusions or He was what He says He was.

Maybe when you find it hard to believe in God it may help you to know that He believes in YOU. “For God so loved the world that He sent His Only Begotten Son, that whoso believeth in Him should not perish but have everlasting life.” When we need rain, it falls. When we are cold, the sun rises. When we are hungry, we find wild berries. When we are alone, someone finds us or calls us. When we fall, Christ lifts us. When we are humble, Christ leads us. When we submit to Him, Christ remakes us so that we are fit to return to the Father’s presence. Do not wait until you see Christ and feel the prints in His hands and feet to trust that the Lord Jesus was and is divine. Beware the temptation to retreat from a good thing. When men say that you must recount your faith or die, remember that you are not alone. Have More faith, have Liddell faith, and have lasting faith and tell them that until you die you shall not remove your integrity from you. For whoso saveth his life shall lose it, and whoso loseth his life for My sake shall find it.

This Easter Season, remember the reason for your rejoicings. Remember that most men are idiots. Remember that nobody has all the answers. Remember that you must choose your own adventure. Remember to look up, to look forward, and to look steadfastly to the source of your faith. God does not force you to follow. If you choose to, He promises you a bounty, a Land of Promise. I have personally benefitted from trusting His wisdom, His direction, His inspiration, His timing, and His love. In the last five years, He freed me from a vindictive and vicious ex wife, from a virulent and vile accusation from a coworker, from several violent vehicular collisions, and from many other potential disasters to my person and possessions. I testify that there is a God who sent His Son to help us on earth. I testify that on the third day Jesus rose. We can rise with Him if we remain faithful. Keep your faith in Christ, because that’s what it means, to believe in truths we cannot really understand because we cannot see them. When men prove faithful, other men reward them, so how much greater the potential for reward from the Creator for your faithfulness to Him! As you are faithful, He will be faithful to you.

On Thorns and Roses

Share

A female friend of mine in Vegas had a birthday this week but refused to tell me what day it was. I bought her flowers anyway. Originally, we were supposed to meet up Tuesday night, which turned out to be the day before her birthday, but she had to hurry off for something, and so the flowers sat in my house and then in my car until I finally got them to her last night. By then, they didn’t look as pretty, because I hit them with heat and with other things, but they still smelt amazing. Apparently she liked them better than roses, for the smell as well as for the absence of rose thorns, and I started to think about what roses mean and why people feel as they do about them.

One cliché that comes to mind is that we should be grateful that thorns have roses. There is some truth in this. Over the years, I have learned much about thorny, flowering plants. When you neglect them and they go wild, the vines will bramble, producing many thorns but very few flowers and fruits. Some berry varieties don’t make fruit at all unless you cut them. When my friend trimmed back his roses back in March, the bushes exploded with blooms so much so that his backyard is now full of bees! There is a principle in this, that without proper care, most of these plants bring forth very little fruit.

I know lots of people who quit early. Of the eight students I lost this term, seven of them quit because they were unwilling to pay the price. I suppose that’s for the best that we discover that now, but people who quit early never see fruits. I know lots of people who love to plant roses, my ex-wife included, who don’t want to take care of them, ibid. We all want to have things, but not enough sometimes to provide the nurturing care necessary to train them and work on them when the brambles of life appear in order to enjoy the blooms. Sure, we all love when people hand us flowers in bloom without taking much thought to the effort that went into cultivating, harvesting, and transporting the flowers. We pay the $29.99 to an online flower service and they just magically appear!

Tragically people do this far too often with other people. At the beginning, everything seems wonderful and we love the blooms because we get to see other people at their very best. Eventually, that bloom falls off, and we stare at the thorny bush that remains and wonder how we ever liked it in the first place. We think it’s become something else. The thorns are part of it. Just as natural roses do not have varieties void of thorns, normal people have their weaknesses as well as their strengths. During times of trial, we focus on the thorns in other people, and far too many people claim they “love” another only to flee when the wolves come. What we sometimes forget is that with the proper care and feeding of relationships the thorny vine can produce roses again.

The natural state of things is chaos. The natural state of things is that life is hard. It was meant to be that way God told Adam for our sake, to turn us to God and His Christ for help. This arrangement helps us discover what really matters to us because it asks us to stick with things to the end when we claim they really matter to us. By the sweat of our brow we eat our bread, and as we nurture and prune and tame and persist with the thorny vine it eventually bears fruit again. Each time we stick with something through the pruning season, we have the promise that there will be a harvest of beautiful flowers and succulent fruits for our efforts. Yes, the roses and the thorns come together, but it is not sad that roses have thorns but a boon that thorny vines also bear roses.

My mother taught me when I was young that anything worth doing was worth doing well. Consequently, when the going gets tough, I don’t quit. I dig in my heels and grunt with effort hoping and praying that things will work out as I like. Sometimes my endeavors fade quickly in the heat of the moment or under constant assault from outside forces, and sometimes the blooms fall off and reveal only the thorny bush. As I did with my yard, I continue to strive with things, knowing that sometimes I have brought back plants and opportunities from the brink of ruin and that if other people continue to stick with it our thorny bush can bear fruit again. We know the blooms, and we recognize their scent, and we know that it will be worth it if our efforts bear the fruit for which we hope. The thorns can give way to roses once more, and that provides us the hope to try again, the plant again, to work with renewed vigor towards the harvest. Sometimes we must put up with the thorns in order to be worthy of roses and to enjoy their fragrance and beauty in our lives. Only those willing to look past and go beyond them usually benefit from lasting blooms in their future. For the rest, I suppose there’s the internet and the low low price of $29.95 each time.

Words Unspoken

Share

After Sunday's Easter gathering, it seemed apparent to all of us that my grandparents are not long for this world. Consequently, I thank my parents and my God for the chance to see them all and speak with them at least one last time before they die. You see, too often we put things off until tomorrow, leaving gifts ungiven and words unspoken that we tell ourselves matter only to show otherwise. I have a picture hanging in my office at home that I never got to give to my paternal grandfather, who passed away three years ago this month, and I keep his picture around too.

Although I learned when I was young that this mattered, I apparently didn't make it stick until recently. When my father left for war, I was twelve I think, and I remember praying and asking God that He would bring my father back so I could tell him that I loved him at least one last time. During high school and college, there were times when I wanted to make sure they knew in case something happened to one or both of us, because I had friends in high school who died before graduation and friends in college who got into huge trouble just short of death. The year my grandfather died, I didn't feel too badly about it because I had learned to be better. When I traveled to Salt Lake City biannually, I made sure to stop by, and I called every other month or so, replied to my grandmother's letters, and sent pictures and updates. I only learned that after I was divorced, but at least I learned it now. Two nights before he died, I spoke with my grandfather on the phone for about a half hour, and I was on my way to visit the morning that he died. I dropped by anyway.

With this in mind, I have tried very hard to leave on the screen the words that I most desire people hear. Even though people give me repeated opportunities to comment on their asinine banalities, when I am direct, I decide usually to leave them with what I desire them most to know. Sure, sometimes I hold courageous conversations, sometimes I burn bridges, and sometimes I hold my tongue. However, sometimes there is nothing more to say. I have spoken my peace, and I hope that certain days will yet rather than be days that pass ignominiously become days I commemorate. The 24th of April means something to me, because someone special associated with it still means something to me, and if I could, there are words I would say, gifts I would give, and things I would do to reaffirm that I absolutely love absolutely.

At my grandfather's funeral, some of my cousins appeared inconsolable. Some of them live much closer to my grandparents and do not visit as much as they could, but I visited as often as I dared and communicated with them with regularity despite living hundreds of miles away. As much as it hurts to lose them, while they were here, I did try at least while in adulthood to realize what they were when I had access to them. When I spoke with my widowed grandmother this weekend, I told her how much I appreciate her now and how much I wish I'd appreciated her when I was younger and could have benefited more from a close association. I came to realize that some of my cousins had regrets about words unspoken, visits unmade, and "some days" that never came.  John Wadsworth Longfellow wrote, "Of all the words of tongue or pen, the saddest are these- it might have been." I did my part, and as sad as I am that things don't always turn out as I hope, it is some small consolation that I nourished when and what I could.

Words matter. Sometimes we say things that should not be said. Sometimes we make promises we cannot keep, and sometimes we do not mean the promises we make. Sometimes we keep back words that should be said. To be silent when they should protest makes cowards of men. Words can wound, but they can also salve. I have kept some words unspoken because they are not the lasting message, and I leave others for all the world to see because, at least for now, I still mean them. A few individuals who told me they didn't mean to hurt me had the opportunity to heal me. Instead, their silence deafens my ear. As the children's author wrote, "I meant what I said, and I said what I meant. An elephant's faithful, one hundred percent!" I am faithful. I try to live up to my word. Monday night in class, I delivered on a promise I made to a student two weeks before with something that may help her keep her job.  I might not do what you like when you like, but I do deliver, because I was taught to be an honorable man.  Furthermore, I have made other promises that I would like to keep if people give me the opportunity.

Time of loss offers us the opportunity to consider how well we say what we need to say. I wish sometimes that I had experienced loss of a family member when I was younger so that I could learn this lesson before I turned 30, but I thank God that when I learned it I was ready to learn it well. In the years since then, I have endeavored to be better and say things to people when I feel prompted and bite my tongue under similar conditions. I have gifts to give and words to say, and in some instances, I would simply reiterate the same things. If you meant something to me then, you mean something to me now. If you are still inclined to be part of my life, you meant something then, and so you mean something now. I cannot undo your choices, but I can decide how I regard them, and since I hope God will extend mercy to me, I stand ready to do the same. As He invites me to return, I extend the same opportunity.

The Word of God asked us to love our neighbors as ourselves. For this reason, He invites us to welcome back the prodigal, to continue to strive with the wayward, and to love people for who they are rather than on the contingency that they do what we prefer. Just as He loves us because of our natures, I continue to love some people because I know who they are and who they can be. I wish those well who made their decisions permanent. I still meant what I said. I still love them. I hope good things come their way. As much as I hope they do what I hope, their decisions do not make them bad people or unworthy of my love. Loving Christ means loving those who have earned the right to be strangers to us, to minister to them like the Good Samaritan. While it does not mean that we take them into our homes and give them all we have, it does require us to minister to their physical and spiritual needs, EVEN IF THEY HURT US.  Even more, it requires us to really love those we say we love and who are close and dear to us. It's a hard rope to walk, and sometimes we don't learn how until it's too late, but there is a probationary period set and a repentance granted, which repentance mercy claims. I find it interesting in the last year or so what God has NOT told me. I find it interesting that He has told me to continue to love, to hold my peace, and to hold my tongue and leave things on the screen that truly reflect what I feel. He tells me to remember what He told me.  He reminds me that even if His promises are not always swift, they are always sure.  I hope you know how I feel about you, that even if I never get to hold you or speak with you or kiss you that I love you. I will show that by being true. When you seek me, you will know how to find me, and you will know how I will be when you get there.

A very merry unbirthday to you all, unless of course today is your birthday, in which case I hope it is the most amazing day of the year for you because you are amazing, because you are worth 10 cows and more.